A friend is going through something hard — what do I say?

Less than you think, and one question first. The four pages behind this answer agree on the shape: find out what kind of company they want before you offer any, and then build the conversation with seats in it.

Ask: commentary, or just a listening ear? The page of that name began as a confession from someone whose lifelong style, relate with an anecdote and help with a suggestion every time, turned out to be what some people had meant by annoying. The tool they were handed is six seconds long: before the wisdom, ask whether they want your take or just to be heard. One person there went deepest on why unrequested solutions land badly even when they are good. Most of what people say aloud was never a request for a logical response. It is how humans check that they are understood. Advice answers a question nobody asked while skipping the one everybody does. The asked-for opinion is a gift; the same opinion unasked is a grade. And the page refuses to convict the story-swappers: for many friendships the swapped stories and floated ideas are the intimacy. The question is not a rule about which style is right. It finds out which conversation you are in.

If you are the one who needs to talk, say what kind of listening you need. The companion page, Tell them what kind of listening you need, is for the other chair. One sentence up front, I’m not looking for advice, I just need to get this out, and the conversation changes shape to fit you. The case came from the fixers themselves: present them with a problem and something in them has to start solving, not from ego but because watching someone they care about struggle is intolerable. Without a label your vent reads as a work order. Couples who adopted the standing preamble, venting or feedback wanted, said it retired a whole species of argument. Pass this page to your friend if they seem stuck between wanting to talk and dreading your fixes.

Listen to hear, not to reload. That page came from four reformed over-talkers, and its diagnostic is one stroke: you are not building your reply from what they said, you are waiting your turn to say what you had already decided. Their fix is additive, not silencing. Keep your stories, and between them turn the conversation back, what do you think, what has been going on with you, then actually follow what returns. One of them runs a single gauge the whole time: does the other person still seem to be enjoying this?

If the hard thing is a job search, let them bring it up. The page Let them bring up the job hunt is built from people who have been asked any luck? at dinners and parties, again and over. The question arrives as a scoreboard, the answer is no again, said out loud in company, and some of them stopped coming to gatherings because it was waiting at the door. Ask how they are and what has been good, and if there is news they will enjoy telling you. That page is honest that the people in it disagree: some found the silence worse than the question, and it lays the argument out with both sides and no winner. Its decider is the person in front of you. If they raise it, they want to talk. If they deflect, stop. If you are close, ask once which they would prefer. What never helps, on either side: the forwarded listing, the advice from another era, have you tried.

Who this is not for. If you share a home and a budget with the person, a proper conversation about money is owed, once, and it is not small talk. And if your friend is in danger or talking about not wanting to be here, this is not a listening-style question: in the US 988 answers by call or text, in the UK Samaritans on 116 123, and you can sit with them while they call.