Identity
None of this is expert advice. It's what people worked out for themselves, usually the hard way — what actually helped, and what they'd tell someone standing where you are. Take what fits and leave the rest.
If you only read a few
Accept that you are likely average rather than in the top 25%.
This changed my life.
one person who lived it
Focus on your own well-being and seek validation from yourself rather than others.
This builds internal security so you remain secure regardless of what happens with others.
3 people, independently
Adopt the mindset that 'the obstacle is the way'.
This saying has done me well.
2 people, independently
Create yourself rather than trying to find a pre-existing self.
3 people, independently
- Create your life and identity through choices rather than waiting to find yourself.1
- Work to make your image of your ideal self your actual identity.1
- Do not grow dependent on anyone else for confidence; rely only on yourself.3
- Explore your identity rather than creating it; isolate aspects you like from others and make them yours instead of modeling yourself on other people.1
- Take control of making yourself through discipline rather than waiting for inspiration to find yourself.1
- Accept that your identity is constantly changing and experiment with different expressions of self.1
Accept that serious commitment to passions can happen later in life and find value in the process despite frustrations.
One person wasted time in their 20s and 30s but became better and enjoyed art after getting serious in their 40s.
one person who lived it
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Use an alter ego to help embody desired traits or behaviors.
Put yourself in others' shoes to understand how your words affect them.
One person noted it took 4 years to learn this lesson by considering how they would feel if spoken to rudely.
one person who lived it
Allow failure to deflate your ego rather than trying to control it directly.
You don't control it; failure does.
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Give credit where it is due, accept your mistakes, and listen with an open mind.
These are great starts.
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Write out the worst-case scenario of doing something hard until you realize things will keep going and you will have a plan.
This helps face fears head-on.
one person who lived it
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Instead of trying to reinvent your personality to be more charismatic, decide to simply be yourself.
Attempts to force a new persona often fail, whereas being authentic allows you to stay and succeed.
- Based on one person's experience starting a new job as an electrician.
one person who lived it
- Stop bending your personality to accommodate others, even if it means losing people on different paths.1
Shed parts of your old identity in baby steps to make room for the person you want to become.
- This involves stepping out of your comfort zone.
2 people, independently
- Move forward as if your old self is already dead, letting that version go because you have somewhere else to be.1
- Use an alter ego to help embody desired traits or behaviors.5
- Change your identity statement to reflect the person you want to be and abstain from distractions during specific hours.1
- Change your identity or self-image by seeing yourself differently.1
View yourself as constantly changing, accepting that you are different every second.
Like a river, you are not the same man twice.
one person who lived it
Define your own goals and improve daily without seeking approval from unsupportive family members.
No one else will do it for you, and you do not need their approval.
one person who lived it
If you struggle with commitment, start small by dedicating 15 minutes a day to learning skills like talking, dressing, or presenting yourself.
It isn't a huge commitment.
one person who lived it
Avoid bad areas altogether.
It is not worth the risk.
one person who lived it
Share a small amount of your suppressed authentic self with friends instead of hiding it.
Most people will likely respond positively and engage with the idea.
one person who lived it
Do not change who you are to match others if it conflicts with your core beliefs.
3 people, independently
Curate your consumption of media, music, and conversations as these inputs shape your brain and identity.
You become what you consume.
- Listening to music to mimic an audience's style can be disingenuous to your true self.
one person who lived it
Adopt the behaviors of the personality you wish to have to rewire your brain over time.
Faking desired traits can eventually rewire the brain.
- One person reported that faking confidence and extroverted traits never felt organic even after extended periods.
one person who lived it
Lower your standards for positive change so you can aim upward, starting with a daily goal you can manage today.
You may feel unmotivated because the bar is too high.
one person who lived it
Avoid pointing your phone at others in the park.
They might think you are taking photos of them.
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Dress nicely, groom yourself, and take a shower before going to the park.
It may help boost confidence and make you appear less anxious.
one person who lived it
Align your internal and external selves.
One person reported feeling better after doing this for 23 hours.
one person who lived it
Treat and view women exactly like your male friends, avoiding any special treatment based on gender.
You will find someone.
one person who lived it
Embrace being a loner if it suits your personality, rather than forcing yourself to be outgoing.
Not all outgoing people are happy.
one person who lived it
Focus on who you become during the journey rather than obsessing over the destination, because that is what lasts.
3 people, independently
Define yourself by your character rather than external circumstances.
No one can take your character away from you.
one person who lived it
- Define yourself by your actions rather than by an inner essence or identity.2
Respect those exploring new philosophies by recognizing their effort and risk rather than mocking them.
They are choosing a risky route over a safe one and trying to do better, even if they start from a different place.
one person who lived it
Be brave enough to be yourself, accepting that rejection means they rejected the real you.
- Being rejected can hit your ego.
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Accept and integrate different modes of your personality, such as both the social/goofy side and the quiet/antisocial side.
It is nice to like both aspects of yourself.
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Remind yourself that your inner child still exists within you, even when it doesn't feel like it.
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Find friends with shared hobbies and interests to allow natural interaction, as your humor may simply not match the people you are currently hanging out with.
Humor mismatches can occur if you are not with people who share your interests.
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Right your ship by building a strong deep self that serves as your true inner compass and center of gravity.
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Initiate social interactions yourself, rather than waiting for others to reach out.
Others may assume you are uninterested if you do not initiate, just as you might assume they are.
one person who lived it
Write a detailed profile of your ideal future self and strive to live according to that persona.
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Consider adjusting your conduct for various social contexts as natural adaptation, not a lack of authenticity.
It reflects the nature of being a multifaceted person.
4 people, independently
Combine practicing in the outside world with thinking inside.
Both are necessary.
one person who lived it
Own your unique life story with pride, recognizing that no one else has lived your exact path.
one person who lived it
Stop pretending to be someone else; just be yourself, and compatible people will find you over time.
one person who lived it
View life as an experiment where you are both the subject and the observer, learning from it.
one person who lived it
Write down all your thoughts about 'Who am I?' without censorship, then label the author of each thought (e.g., you, parents, teachers) to separate your true persona from imposed expectations.
one person who lived it
Adopt a broad, mundane identity like 'average joe' instead of a narrow title.
It removes the pressure of protecting an ego and increases your courage to face failure.
one person who lived it
View yourself as a verb (an action/process) rather than a noun (a fixed entity).
one person who lived it
When you notice self-judgment or judging yourself through others' eyes, stop, breathe, and recognize those thoughts as unreal.
one person who lived it
Identify your core self by observing how you behave around people with whom you feel most at ease and do not filter yourself.
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Act like someone you respect, even if it feels fake initially; the authenticity comes with time.
The fakeness becomes real when sustained over a long period.
one person who lived it
Recognize that your identity is inherent and cannot be taken away by others' opinions or stereotypes.
Identity is what you are literally, not defined by music, shows, or speech.
one person who lived it
Follow your passions to naturally build confidence.
Confidence will follow if you follow your passions.
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Differentiate between being inspired by others and borrowing their thoughts or personality.
Borrowing others' thoughts and personality does not work for you.
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Recognize that giving yourself an identity (like 'I am smart') causes suffering when deviations occur.
Buddhism addresses this subject regarding constant change.
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Separate your identity from your work to avoid becoming someone you are not.
One person found that focusing solely on work shaped them into an unwanted version of themselves.
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Show interest and attraction to others early in dating, finding a comfort zone between being reserved and revealing yourself.
Being attractive is more about approach and willingness to show attraction than looks.
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View finding yourself as a lifelong process of figuring out what you like and dislike.
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Speak to strangers naturally, as if you already know them, to foster immediate connection.
This approach draws people in and creates natural conversation.
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Accept that you decide who you are, recognizing that this choice is what makes the process difficult.
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Allow your identity to evolve daily instead of forcing yourself into a fixed definition.
It is impossible to fit into a self-built definition because you change every day; however, shaping yourself can be worthwhile when natural tendencies are useless.
one person who lived it
Define what manhood or adulthood means to you personally, rather than adopting someone else's image.
Acting unnatural to get someone else's image is counterproductive.
one person who lived it
Work on yourself and cultivate a good personality instead of relying on pickup artist tactics.
It avoids the culture of selfishness and lack of self-awareness associated with those tactics.
one person who lived it
Identify why you behave certain ways in specific environments to address unwanted personality shifting.
The people around you may cause you to enter that certain state.
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View consistency as part of your identity rather than just an action.
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View friends' jealousy as evidence that they recognize good qualities in you.
one person who lived it
Use self-deprecating humor to loosen up when struggling with composure.
Composure is difficult to gain easily.
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Become deeply aware of your inner identity and consciously choose to shift it, rather than just noticing thoughts.
one person who lived it
Develop yourself professionally and physically.
This development can increase confidence and improve the quality of your conversations.
one person who lived it
Practice imitating confident behaviors to build self-confidence.
Confident people learned this way through imitation.
one person who lived it
Embrace the different sides of yourself that different people bring out, recognizing it as natural if it happens organically.
It is natural if happening organically.
one person who lived it
Practice daily meditation to nurture clarity, thoughtfulness, and introspection.
It leads to positive changes.
one person who lived it
Recognize that actions performed consistently, even only when angry, define your character, while acknowledging that change is still possible.
- Change is possible despite current patterns.
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Adopt the mindset that you do not know everything and that every person knows something you do not, even if they seem unintelligent.
one person who lived it
Focus on existing and experiencing the magic of existence rather than seeking a secret path to complete life.
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Accept silence instead of blurting out irrelevant comments to fill pauses.
Blurted irrelevancies are often more awkward than quietness.
one person who lived it
Check if you are seeking improved traits only to convince others you are better while remaining toxic in private, which is manipulative rather than genuine change.
one person who lived it
Choose your beliefs deliberately and focus on actions over words.
one person who lived it
Accept minor social embarrassments gracefully rather than retreating.
One person reported that accepting a silly moment led to laughter and a shared connection.
one person who lived it
Recognize that your true self exists beyond surface identities imposed by others and remains unchanged.
one person who lived it
Choose one direction over others based on what matters most right now, allowing identity to emerge from repeated small decisions rather than abstract self-knowledge.
one person who lived it
View your identity as an organized collection of different personality parts rather than trying to fit into a single label.
one person who lived it
Recognize that having a personality that is responsive to other people's personalities rather than independent is not necessarily a bad thing.
one person who lived it
View code-switching as a sign of social proficiency; recognize that your personality is complex and uses different parts in different situations.
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If expressing preferences feels physically wrong, recognize it as identity friction from leaving an easy-going persona, not a skill deficit.
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Actively adopt traits you admire in others to build your own character and reduce insecurity.
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Try writing to feel alive, acknowledging it may sound cliché.
One person reported that the only time they truly feel alive is when they are writing.
- May sound corny
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Try growing succulents as a resilient gardening option if you struggle with motivation.
They are adorable and require less attention than other plants.
- Gardening can cause guilt for years if you let it slide and plants die.
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Allow yourself to explore life in light, easy ways rather than forcing it.
It is about allowing exploration, not pushing yourself.
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If you struggle with self-discovery, try hiking alone with protection like bear spray or meditating in nature.
One person reported that this helped them slowly find themselves.
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If you have hidden interests to fit in, try joining groups that share those hobbies instead.
One person reported feeling relieved after embracing their 'nerd side' and joining relevant groups.
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Take up crafting outlets like embroidery, painting, or starting a blog reviewing media.
Embroidery provides a nice crafting experience.
one person who lived it
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Use structured self-exploration programs similar to journaling, such as the Self Authoring Program, for introspective learning.
Ignore others' expectations and do what you want because it is more fulfilling.
Doing things because you want to, rather than to please others, is more fulfilling.
one person who lived it
Read 'Peace Is Every Breath' by Thich Nhat Hanh.
It helped one person.
one person who lived it
Read the book 'SuperBetter'.
It's perfect for you right now.
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Commit every day to learning, taking notes, and taking one action from high-quality podcast content.
One person found themselves after four years by following this routine.
- This is based on one person's experience over four years.
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Use emotions like excitement and joy as guides to discover your true self.
Emotions guide you to you.
one person who lived it
Use an elimination list by identifying what you do not like, which brings you closer to finding what you do like.
It is often harder to decide what you like than what you don't.
one person who lived it
Seek valuable experiences.
You will forget that you are just living.
one person who lived it
Pursue activities and topics that spark your natural curiosity.
You are defined more by what you do than by what you think.
one person who lived it
Journal messily to distinguish your own desires from actions taken to please others, starting with small choices like what to eat.
It helps you reconnect with what is yours versus what you do for others.
one person who lived it
Spend time alone and try new hobbies to avoid losing yourself by constantly catering to others.
It is easy to become someone else when always doing things for other people.
one person who lived it
If you feel pressured by others, spend time away from them until that pressure subsides to help find yourself.
Distance from people can remove the feeling of pressure, allowing you to find yourself.
one person who lived it
Choose activities based on what makes you happiest rather than comparing yourself to others.
Other things won't make you happy even if you had them.
one person who lived it
Start a journal to write down your likes, dislikes, daily experiences, and best and worst times to learn more about yourself.
Journaling helps with self-understanding.
one person who lived it
Read 'Living To Learn, Learning To Live' by Micheal Wilfong for guidance on self-discovery.
It is described as a great read.
one person who lived it
Allow yourself to get bored to help with self-reflection.
Boredom is where self-reflection comes out and leads to inventions or discoveries.
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Try everything without fear, such as reading random books or watching random videos, to bypass internal bias that may stop you from finding something fun.
Internal bias can prevent us from finding enjoyable things.
one person who lived it
Use structured self-exploration programs similar to journaling, such as the Self Authoring Program, for introspective learning.
It is a powerful tool for introspective learning.
3 people, independently
One approach that helped: spend time alone to remove external influences and discover what you actually like.
You may not realize how much external influence prevents you from finding your true preferences until you are alone.
one person who lived it
Schedule your day and make task lists to overcome procrastination and align actions with expectations.
One person mostly got over procrastination when they learned to do this.
one person who lived it
Ask yourself what you have chosen even when you didn't have to, as this reveals more truth about your identity than abstract self-reflection.
one person who lived it
Switch from passive searching language to active creating language to take responsibility for your happiness.
This linguistic shift triggers an 'aha' moment and puts responsibility back in your hands.
one person who lived it
Find a job rather than focusing on finding your 'dream job', as making money provides independence and eventually leads to feeling happier and satisfied.
Making money makes you feel more independent and eventually happier and satisfied.
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Avoid announcing that you are quitting bad habits like smoking.
Receiving social validation provides false satisfaction, similar to the feeling of quitting without actually doing so.
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Wear nondescript clothing like jeans and t-shirts without bright colors to blend in.
People ignore those that don't stand out.
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Dye plain white socks yourself if you cannot find men's colored socks in stores.
One user prefers Dylon dyes over RIT.
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Get a dog to build good habits through mandatory walks and receive supportive companionship.
Dogs require walks which builds habits, and they are supportive.
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Start with small steps to build initial momentum, then apply discipline to do things you don't want to do, ultimately forming habits.
Small steps create a spark; discipline provides the fuel; habits sustain the fire.
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Choose city parks with walking trails or scenic views rather than playgrounds to avoid looking suspicious when alone.
Plenty of people go to those areas alone without issues.
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