Personal growth
None of this is expert advice. It's what people worked out for themselves, usually the hard way — what actually helped, and what they'd tell someone standing where you are. Take what fits and leave the rest.
If you only read a few
Learn to accept, forgive, and love yourself.
This aids progress and fosters kindness toward your defensive traits.
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Focus all your energy on building the new rather than fighting the old.
This is described as the secret of change.
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Challenge your egoic mind by asking what you are afraid of and how you would act if you had nothing to prove.
You have created false stories and narratives that trip you up.
one person who lived it
Tell yourself it will be a great day every morning and list three good things in your phone before sleep each night.
Focusing on things that bring joy and intentionally avoiding those that do not.
one person who lived it
Try a different type of exercise if you dislike the ones you have tried.
One person found they enjoyed riding their bicycle.
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Identify role models from history, media, or real life who possess traits you admire, and consciously emulate those characteristics in your own actions.
Focus on achieving one specific trait of your desired new self at a time rather than trying to become perfect all at once.
Trying to suddenly become a perfect person is too much and hard to commit to.
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Build structure based on your wish to change rather than relying on guilt.
Guilt burns out, but structure does not.
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When slipping back into old behaviors while trying to change, think 'I have evolved past that.'
It helps when trying to change something in your life.
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Accept your current appearance and build upon it rather than trying to fit a mold you do not fit.
It does not mean staying as you are, but working with what you start with.
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Play on as long as you do not hurt anyone.
Living involves play.
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Try things on your own to build trust in yourself to succeed and fail; do not give up, even if progress is slow.
Trying on your own builds self-trust.
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Let things go rather than relying solely on self-control, which may just make you move in circles.
Self-control can make you move in circles; letting things go is part of finding power within and reaching maturity.
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Decide on your deepest values and align your behavior with them.
The better the match between behavior and values, the better you feel.
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Stop overthinking and start doing; accept that stumbling is part of learning.
Stumbling is how you learn.
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Fake confidence until it becomes real.
People cannot read your mind and do not know how nervous you are feeling.
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Embrace who you are now while still striving for growth in every area of life.
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- Admit your problems and flaws as the first step to becoming better.6
- Accept that personal evolution is non-linear and involves slipping up and starting over repeatedly.2
Take your time when making decisions or express that you need time to think to avoid being easily swayed.
It helps ensure you are not easily swayed.
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Talk to strangers to practice social interaction before opening up to people you know.
It may be easier to start with strangers before opening up to people you actually know.
- Talking to strangers is hard.
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Be mindful that your social circle influences your habits and how you speak to others.
We may grow up with habits that aren't fun to be around due to our surroundings.
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Read for 30 minutes right after yoga instead of cramming at night.
Retention is like 4x better now compared to cramming at night when you pass out and forget everything.
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Spend time with people who inspire you and steer clear of those who dampen your spirit.
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Practice slowing down your reaction time to give yourself space to think by figuring out where you feel emotions in your body.
This helps you recognize the signs.
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Stop acting to manage others' feelings about you; instead, act in ways that reflect who you are.
Acting to manage feelings is approval seeking, while acting from self-reflection is self-respect.
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Focus on the positive outcome you want to get rather than trying to avoid a negative one.
Trying to avoid something keeps it constantly in your thoughts, which does not help; focusing on where you are trying to go helps you move forward.
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Use curiosity to drive your search for answers to what you do not know, especially skills needed to survive.
Some things must be learned to survive.
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Build habits one step at a time to create a lasting lifestyle.
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- Share your progress with friends to help maintain persistence.1
- Write down specific goals or issues you want to address, then identify habits you can build to get them.3
- Pay attention to your current state and start with small changes.4
Act like the person you want to be rather than who you currently feel like, until those behaviors become habitual.
Eventually, acting that way becomes who you are.
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Go out and socialize by joining leisure activity clubs or learning new skills to master.
Mastering a new skill will make you shine bright.
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Stay committed to small changes and keep moving forward.
Eventually you will be closer to where you want to be than you were yesterday.
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Clean your living space and do minor exercise to boost confidence.
You'll be more confident.
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Build multiple pillars of identity rather than relying on just one, so that if one falls, you don't revert to your old self.
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Take the VIA Character Strengths survey to identify hidden strengths you may not realize you have.
You might find strengths there you never thought were strengths, such as love of learning.
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Simply do the next good thing instead of overthinking the entire process.
Overthinking is often the problem.
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Reflect on where your beliefs come from, identifying when they started or who taught them to you.
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Write down three things you are grateful for every night in a journal.
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- Pause twice daily to reflect on aspects of your existence you appreciate.6
- Record a minimum of three items you appreciate daily.4
Volunteer to gain experience with different people and take focus off yourself.
Focusing on giving to others takes you out of your own head.
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- Volunteer to increase human interaction and gain experience outside your comfort zone.1
- Volunteer to help others to develop appreciation for what you have and shift focus away from yourself.4
Test if a trait is integrated or just a coping mechanism by asking if it still shows up when nothing is at stake and no one is watching.
- If the trait disappears the moment pressure does, it is probably still mostly coping.
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Analyze before speaking and speak based on how you actually feel, not to please everyone.
What others think stops bothering you.
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Make persistent small changes rather than trying to fix everything at once.
The longest lasting changes come from persistent small change.
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Change the question from why you can't become the person you want to be to why you CAN become that person.
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Learn to be your own best friend and nurture that bond so you can enjoy your own company.
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Acknowledge your impulses and then choose not to act on them.
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Ask good friends to identify social cues you might have missed and provide feedback on your interactions.
This approach worked well for one person's problem.
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Stand up for yourself or others during harassment or mistreatment to demonstrate courage.
It means you have courage.
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Gain real-world experience to build confidence.
Experience makes you confident.
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Catch one moment a day to respond differently to negative triggers to start changing patterns.
Responding differently in even one moment is enough to begin changing the pattern.
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Try being honest about what you actually love and sharing your real interests; one person found this led to significant personal change.
One person reported changing the most when they started doing this.
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Deliberately place yourself in uncomfortable situations to encourage personal development.
Growth typically requires facing challenges; staying in familiar territory rarely leads to significant progress.
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- Deliberately put yourself in challenging situations to humble yourself and force growth.3
Create specific, concrete action plans for self-improvement goals offline, rather than relying on general intentions.
General lists often just make you feel better while you keep doing what you're doing.
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Define your 'WHY' by understanding the reasons behind your desire for change to provide purpose.
It provides a purpose behind the changes.
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Write out and be mindful of simple pleasures.
It helps cultivate appreciation for small joys.
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Publicly acknowledge and joke about your weaknesses to disarm critics.
Ignoring weaknesses makes them palpable and easier to target, whereas admitting them can show strength.
- Be careful not to reinforce or encourage the weakness while embracing it.
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Have a workout partner to keep you accountable for exercising.
Having a partner kept one person accountable.
- Based on one person's experience.
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Show gratitude and value what you possess rather than complaining.
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Find alternative sources of satisfaction, such as sports, money-making, or studies, rather than hurting others.
Bringing pain to others does not make you cool or powerful.
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Practice forming your own opinions before hearing anyone else's.
It helps when you are unexpectedly asked for your thoughts.
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Respond to requests or opinions by saying 'I have to think about that' instead of immediately agreeing or refusing.
This approach helps you discover things about yourself and establish ground to stand on.
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Catch yourself before speaking reactively to defend your reputation or ego.
It is a superpower unless the matter is truly serious.
- unless it's a truly serious matter
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Journal your thoughts, including both positive and negative feelings, to understand yourself better and identify patterns and triggers.
It helps in reflection and identifying patterns and triggers.
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Surround yourself with better or ambitious people to change your perspective and habits.
One person reported this changed their perspective and habits.
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Teach yourself proper social skills if you grew up being ignored or treated with contempt.
- Based on one person's experience of having to learn these skills independently.
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Put yourself out there and try new things, starting small with manageable challenges to build confidence through experience.
One person reported that starting small snowballed into greater confidence.
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Pause and breathe before responding impulsively to ensure you are listening to understand.
This helps manage the urge to talk quickly, especially for those who struggle with impulsive speech.
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Post a list of goals publicly to create accountability and track progress.
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- Establish objectives that are timely, realistic, attainable, measurable, and specific.6
Ask questions when you are unsure rather than pretending to know what is going on.
It is better to appear foolish by asking than to look foolish by guessing incorrectly; asking questions is severely underrated.
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Own your actions; while others contribute to problems, you cannot control them.
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Find your tribe of like-minded, tender people who suffer similarly rather than trying to fit into a tough world.
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Identify time wasters like social media or video games and physical blocks like cluttered desks, then control access to them or remove them to make starting work effortless.
Sitting down to work becomes an effortless task.
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Redefine success to include even brief efforts, viewing discipline as a muscle that grows rather than a button.
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Learn to pay attention to things around you to start caring about them, rather than seeking instant gratification.
that way you'll start caring about things
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Distinguish between wanting external validations like wealth or status and needing them, recognizing you are already complete.
Wanting and needing are different approaches; you are already complete just by being you.
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Talk less and listen more; address problems right away to avoid lashing out from buildup.
Addressing problems immediately prevents lashing out from buildup.
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Reframe mistakes as lessons to learn from rather than labeling them as failures.
Letting go of bitterness for failures is important.
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Reframe goals using positive phrasing rather than 'stop' to avoid consuming willpower on resisting urges.
The word 'stop' makes you feel the urge you are resisting, which consumes willpower.
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Study Stoic philosophy to clarify what constitutes a good person and how to live well.
It offers a framework for dealing with external events equanimously and becoming immune to suffering.
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Help other beings in a positive way without seeking credit or recognition.
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Require solid information before incorporating new opinions into your beliefs.
You cannot agree unless you believe what is being said is true.
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Go to comedy shows.
It brings joy and counters negativity.
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Acknowledge that initial conditioned thoughts are uncontrollable, but direct your energy toward managing how you perceive, analyze, and respond to them.
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Recognize that your emotions are reactions to the stories you tell yourself about your life.
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Focus on bettering yourself to handle future criticism more.
Self-improvement prepares you to manage such situations better next time.
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Develop confidence from within so you are less obsessed with how you are perceived by others.
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Plan your workouts in detail, including the specific time and clothes you will wear, to make starting easier.
to reduce friction in starting
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Stop demanding total, permanent change immediately, as this demand creates paralysis.
Trying to guarantee you'll never fall back prevents movement; trust and momentum come downstream from letting small steps count.
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Politely inform people when their behavior is inappropriate instead of ignoring it or criticizing them harshly.
They may be receptive to constructive criticism and try to change.
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Track where your opinions come from and when they changed, as failing to notice shifting opinions is dangerous.
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Figure out what you do not enjoy about your life and accept full responsibility for fixing it.
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Give reasons for saying 'no' sparingly, as providing reasons invites rebuttal; sometimes silence is stronger because it leaves no room for argument.
Without a reason, the other person cannot say anything in response.
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Practice responsible actions in low-stakes situations where no one would notice if you skipped them, to teach yourself the habit doesn't need fear underneath it.
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Identify role models from history, media, or real life who possess traits you admire, and consciously emulate those characteristics in your own actions.
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Use the Pomodoro method.
It makes habit-building feel more manageable.
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Stop trying to prove anything to others and accept that being wrong is acceptable since nobody knows everything.
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Allow yourself to experiment with different paths to open new doors for self-discovery.
Experimentation reflects a growth mindset versus a fixed mindset.
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Be confident internally but do not express confidence externally to impress people.
You'll be more likely to impress people.
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Keep learning, practicing, and working to gain understanding.
Understanding grounds your opinion (fixing lack of information) and slowly clarifies your vision.
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Know thyself by identifying your strengths, weaknesses, likes, and dislikes.
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Apply the 'Cantaloupe Rule': remove any item smaller than a cantaloupe to reduce clutter.
Items smaller than a cantaloupe create clutter.
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Be rigorously and emphatically honest.
Honesty equals authenticity, empathy handles goodness, and this approach prevents draining yourself.
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Take classes on nonviolent communication and empathetic listening.
They have been great for improving interactions.
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Act kindly and considerately until those behaviors become natural habits.
Faking kindness can eventually lead to genuine goodness.
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Meditate regularly.
There are many benefits to meditating occasionally.
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Stop negotiating with excuses.
It quietly changes everything.
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Use the discomfort of awareness to motivate small actions, associating 'doing' with relief from that discomfort.
The awkward feeling of awareness eventually pushes you toward action to relieve it, creating a positive association with doing.
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Start small by replacing bad habits with positive ones, such as swapping morning phone scrolling for reading a book.
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Concentrate on your repeated recovery rather than the initial fall.
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Establish strong core principles to guide your thoughts, then analyze information against them and discard anything that does not align.
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Use Nonviolent Communication to express needs without judgment: state observations, feelings, needs, and requests.
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Stay quiet to save energy and avoid derailing momentum unless sharing your take is worth it, recognizing how draining it can be to add noise just to have an opinion.
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Read 'Surrounded by Idiots' to learn how to adjust your behavior without smothering your personality.
It suggests making adjustments to behavior but not necessarily smothering our personality.
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Aim to offer a compliment to everyone you encounter.
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Focus on personal integrity over societal definitions of good and bad, avoiding success that comes at the cost of harming others.
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Embody the scientific method for personal growth: Observe, Hypothesize, Test, Iterate.
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If you feel socially inadequate, try befriending people older than you; one person found they accepted their dull interests without judgment.
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Learn practical adult skills through direct experience and mistakes at your own pace, avoiding intolerant criticism.
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Daily, recognize your actions and examine them closely.
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books, help8
Read 'Daring Greatly' by Brené Brown to help with recognition of vulnerability and shame.
Read 'How to Have Your Best Year Ever' by Jim Rohn and 'The Laws of Success' by Brian Tracy.
The laws contained within are valuable.
- Brian Tracy's book may only be available on tape.
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Read a book.
It could help you a lot.
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Read 'The Will to Change: Men, Masculinity, and Love' by Bell Hooks.
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Read non-fiction books, listen to audiobooks, or watch videos on topics like psychology, self-help, and personal finance to develop your brain.
These resources help you change aspects of yourself you want to improve.
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Read 'Daring Greatly' by Brené Brown to help with recognition of vulnerability and shame.
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Read books on emotional maturity.
It is very helpful.
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Read and research topics that interest you, then gradually expand to understand politics, economics, history, and philosophy by following news from different sources.
It helps with self-awareness and improvement.
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Grow personally through reading books and enrolling in online classes.
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Learn to turn off the water valve under sinks and toilets to handle leaks.
Closing the oval or circle knob stops a leak if it is above that valve.
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Admit when you are not mature enough for a specific situation.
This admission is described as the most mature thing one can do.
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Recognize that age does not define maturity.
Men at 50 can act like children while 17-year-olds can handle heavy responsibilities with grace.
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Aim for better choices more often rather than striving for a perfect record of discipline.
Discipline is grey, not black and white; it involves making good choices slightly more often without gaps.
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View age as cumulative, retaining useful skills and perspectives learned from your younger selves.
You use skills learned at ages 16, 17, 18, etc., because they were useful for getting by.
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See girls as real people rather than objects that owe you their time.
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Practice future-forward thinking by listening first and speaking only when necessary, or not at all.
This is described as a practice of maturity.
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Learn by attempting tasks directly and adjusting if you fail, rather than waiting for expert demonstration.
Trial and error is how both children and adults learn; avoiding it prevents competence building.
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Draw a line between having fun and being irresponsible.
Fun adds joy to life, while immaturity detracts from responsibility.
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Focus on being respectful, friendly, kind, and non-selfish rather than changing your hobbies to feel like an adult.
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Focus on responsibility rather than worrying about behavioral maturity.
How you behave and what you enjoy have nothing to do with maturity; it is all about responsibility.
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Take on responsibilities commensurate with your age or higher, such as jobs or family duties.
You cannot fake the projection of maturity.
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Value privacy and avoid gossip as signs of maturity.
Gossip and oversharing are immature behaviors.
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If you are frequently called immature, work on your demeanor and attitude rather than just your hobbies, focusing on reducing insensitivity, irresponsibility, or entitlement.
Demeanor and attitude are easier to work on than hobbies and values; coming off as insensitive, irresponsible, or entitled falls under 'immature'.
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Reframe 'childish' as positive: be like children who are happy creatures that enjoy basically everything.
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If you cannot answer simple preference questions, recognize that this inability may stem from having retired your authentic self rather than from apathy.
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Do necessary tasks you dislike, such as paying rent, because they are required for your basic living situation.
If you do not pay rent, you will not have a place to live.
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Stop waiting for motivation; start doing things simply because you have to.
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Maintain habits through discipline rather than relying on motivation, even when you dislike them.
It is necessary for having a decent life.
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Get a minimum wage job to gain money and discipline, which is necessary for dressing better, taking care of yourself, and developing a positive mindset.
Money and discipline lead to better self-care and a positive mindset.
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Become financially independent by living on your own and paying your own bills.
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Exercise more to trigger hunger, eat more in response, and see physical gains.
Exercising more makes you hungrier, leading to eating more and seeing gains.
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If frequent moves or instability leave you isolated, use that time to focus on yourself.
Keeping to yourself during such periods allows plenty of time for self-focus.
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Try a digital detox by designating a day for analog activities like reading, walking, or cooking.
One person reported their mind felt freer and they came up with ideas more readily.
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Listen to Eckhart Tolle's 'Journey Into Yourself' podcast for insights on identity.
Some of his content can be enlightening.
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Attend social gatherings like bars, concerts, or karaoke nights to practice interactions without the obligation to engage.
These settings provide security from forced interaction while offering many opportunities to connect.
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Read books in public to leverage embarrassment as a motivator to avoid using your phone and maintain engagement.
The fear of appearing rude or distracted in public can help overcome a lack of patience for reading.
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Communicate with women as friends without romantic intentions to see what they face every day and build sympathy for their uncomfortable experiences.
Understanding their struggles is enough to start stopping misogyny.
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Focus on in-person interactions with friends over digital communication to foster meaningful connections.
Real-world person-to-person interactions are more meaningful, whereas social media and messaging apps tend to be superficial and used mainly to waste time.
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Take up conversations by asking questions to value others' perspectives, rather than feeling pressured to hold pre-made opinions.
Asking questions shows you value their perspective and acknowledges that conversation is about interpersonal dynamics as much as literal words.
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