Relationships
None of this is expert advice. It's what people worked out for themselves, usually the hard way — what actually helped, and what they'd tell someone standing where you are. Take what fits and leave the rest.
If you only read a few
Distance yourself from people who drain your energy or whose vision does not align with yours.
It makes a huge difference.
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- Work out your social circle and stop spending time with people who drain your energy; keep only those who give you energy.1
End friendships with people who downplay your successes, unless they are close friends gently checking your ego.
Downplaying success is a sign of a bad friend; gentle correction can be a sign of a good one.
- Cultural norms may influence how relationships function, such as in Scotland where keeping everyone in their place is common.
one person who lived it
Apologize to those you have hurt and change your actions to show repentance.
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Improve yourself for your own sake and desire to be better, not to win back an ex or validate yourself through another's love.
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If friends show disloyalty two or three times, drop them.
Loyalty is overrated.
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Keep close company with encouraging people who support your success, while minimizing contact with harmful or pessimistic influences.
Choose happiness over being right in arguments, as they cannot coexist.
One doesn't exist when the other does.
one person who lived it
Avoid putting friends on second spot in your relationship.
Doing so has consequences that will come 100%.
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Talk to people of other ethnicities to find brotherhood and grow your mindset away from old teachings.
One person found that doing so helped their mindset grow away from old teachings.
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Consider distancing yourself from harmful family members if doing so brings you peace.
- This is based on one person's experience.
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Set a clear goal or vision to avoid struggling with this issue.
Having a clear goal or vision prevents struggle with this specific issue.
one person who lived it
Create pro/con lists and ask yourself if you would want your friends to be in your current situation.
These methods have always been helpful to one person.
one person who lived it
Cut ties with negative people ('people in the basement') to feel freer.
You'll feel freer too.
one person who lived it
Re-work out friendships that cause doubt, as that time could be spent improving your own life.
Every hour spent doubting if they are true friends is an hour lost for self-improvement.
one person who lived it
Stop talking to friends who tell you not to write.
They are limiting your potential.
one person who lived it
If you are trying to force a situation that is obviously not meant for you, walk away.
It saves time.
one person who lived it
Focus on impressing yourself rather than others, acknowledging that most social connections from school or work eventually fade away.
Most people you tried to impress in high school or coworkers are gone from your life permanently.
one person who lived it
Stop listening to people whose opinions grind you down.
Listening to such people pulls you down to their lowest level.
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Cut off toxic people and make new friends who bring happiness.
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- Stop wasting time and energy on friendships that are not helpful.3
- Distance yourself from people who are negative, complain, or put others down.4
- Keep close company with encouraging people who support your success, while minimizing contact with harmful or pessimistic influences.14
Nurture at least one friendship.
It improves life quality.
one person who lived it
Do not make excuses for someone who treats you poorly; choose to be single rather than stay in an unhappy relationship.
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Build a foundation of local friends early, as meeting new people becomes harder after age 35 when social circles settle.
It is easier to meet friends in your 20s and 30s; by 35, many people have established families and circles.
one person who lived it
Recognize that falling out with close people can sometimes increase drive and remove limiting beliefs.
One person felt more inspired and believed the sky was the limit after close people left their life.
- This is a personal observation from one individual; it may not apply generally.
one person who lived it
Do not sleep with friends you intend to keep long-term, as it creates messy complications.
Sleeping with friends makes things really messy.
one person who lived it
Spend time with people who embody the version of yourself you aspire to become.
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Make an effort to visit parents or spend quality time with them despite a busy schedule.
It brings happiness to catch up and spend time together.
one person who lived it
Learn from the breakup and move on without giving it power over you.
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Connect with others without seeking affirmation or making them feel they must act a certain way to validate you.
It allows you to connect clearly without the burden of validation.
one person who lived it
Remove yourself from social media to identify who your real friends are by seeing who actually reaches out.
It reveals which contacts make the effort to connect without digital intermediaries.
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Surround yourself with people who share a similar enthusiasm for life and goals, even if interests differ.
People who drag you down or are incompatible with your chosen path can hinder your progress.
one person who lived it
Occasionally speak honestly to your close ones about what you are thinking.
It makes you feel a lot better.
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Be selective about who you share your life details with, as not everyone genuinely wants the best for you.
Not everyone, even so-called friends, genuinely wants the best for you.
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Treat setting boundaries as a new skill that requires practice; expect it to feel formal or harsh initially.
It represents a change in how you relate to others.
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Leave behind people who hold you back and learn to be comfortable thinking and being with yourself.
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Reduce your presence on social media.
It is awesome.
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Set boundaries with family members to ensure you have time to progress on your own goals.
Without boundaries, you may spend all your time accommodating others and neglect your own progress.
one person who lived it
Cut ties with people who do not support your forward movement or make you feel like you are progressing.
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Review early photos and conversations to remind yourself of bad times and red flags from the relationship.
It reminds you of the negative aspects and red flags.
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Keep company with positive people who truly have your best interests at heart.
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Read books on stopping people-pleasing if you suspect it is negatively affecting your life.
One person reported that this approach helped them stop people-pleasing, which they realized had been ruining their life for decades.
one person who lived it
Focus on connecting with people and making a positive impact rather than seeking personal comfort.
One person finds happiness and motivation in connection and impact, not comfort.
- Based on one person's experience.
one person who lived it
Stay genuine and gentle rather than becoming bitter, as bitterness can repel others.
One person reported having better luck in relationships when they were soft and a five-year relationship with their dream partner, whereas becoming bitter started repelling everyone.
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Rely primarily on yourself, recognizing that family and friends may not always be dependable.
Family may mean nothing and friends come and go.
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Switch from calling to texting a friend who ignores you to space out contact and reduce personal pressure.
Texting is less personal and spaces out contact.
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View friends as complementary assets who can compensate for your weaknesses, fostering mutual value.
Humans are stronger together; for example, a lawyer friend helped with taxes and a driver friend helped choose a car.
one person who lived it
Stick around good influences and avoid bad ones to prevent getting into hard drugs, domestic violence relationships, or jail.
Avoiding bad influences prevents negative outcomes like hard drugs, DV relationships, and jail.
one person who lived it
Take up constructive conflict to bring diversity of thought.
It prevents overconfidence cycles, helps stay humble, surfaces doubts, and makes us curious.
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Recognize that distancing from old friends may be a natural part of breaking out of past ruts and pursuing new goals.
Old friends may no longer serve your emotional needs or align with your evolving identity.
one person who lived it
Reach out to people when facing obstacles instead of giving in to negative emotions, which will pass.
negative emotions pass
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Distance yourself from friends whose complaining and bad attitudes negatively influence your personality.
Surrounding yourself with such people can let their negativity influence you too much.
- These are not necessarily bad people, just negative influences.
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Get your thoughts down on paper rather than verbalizing them to people constantly.
Seeking external validation through verbalization can be tiring for friends.
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Initiate making plans to show interest in friends, especially if insecurities have prevented you from doing so in the past.
Past friendships may fizzle out because one person never initiates plans due to insecurity.
one person who lived it
If you have experienced intense aggravation from past relationships, choose partners carefully to avoid those who treat you poorly.
Choosing the wrong partners caused regular, intense aggravation; choosing someone who wouldn't treat me horribly changed everything.
one person who lived it
Build a track record of accomplishments and confidence to earn respect, rather than chasing validation from others.
People gravitate towards those who do not constantly seek support and reassurance; respect comes from having something to appreciate, not from begging.
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Become knowledgeable on various subjects to engage in deeper conversations beyond small talk.
Being able to discuss and debate many subjects is attractive.
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Trust your instincts about whether a person is worth keeping around; what feels like self-sabotage may actually be self-saving.
one person who lived it
One approach that helped: understand that the only thing you can do for others is set an example, rather than trying to relieve their difficulties.
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Reframe your thoughts around negative events to improve your outlook.
- Based on one person's recent experience
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Return to hobbies such as learning languages, working out, and playing music to pull yourself out of a rut.
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Be highly selective about who receives your time and energy.
You cannot please everyone, and people-pleasing invites exploitation.
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Accept that not everyone will like you; be genuine so those worth keeping make the effort, then focus on few meaningful relationships.
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Cease investing energy in relationships that do not return the effort.
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Avoid oversharing personal information with friends or coworkers who may eventually fade away.
Many friends and coworkers will fade away, becoming strangers who might know private details.
one person who lived it
Work out negative people by asking if they truly care about you, especially if their behavior involves constant criticism or attacks rather than concerned questions.
Constant criticism raises doubts about whether the person actually cares.
one person who lived it
Cultivate only cherished relationships rather than seeking everyone's approval.
It is not important to gain everyone's approval; focus instead on relationships you cherish.
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Establish boundaries in relationships without cutting people out completely.
Relationships involve give and take; sometimes small gestures, like buying lunch occasionally, maintain connections worth keeping.
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Set boundaries because they are necessary, not mean.
they're necessary
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Focus on being present with loved ones over productivity when considering limited time.
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Open up about a problem early in interactions in an optimistic way to weed out people uncomfortable with deep conversations and allow others to connect.
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apologize, behavior5
Understand that angry outbursts usually reflect the speaker's internal state rather than your actions.
Apologize to people you hurt when you were in a haze.
It wasn't you.
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Apologize directly for racist behavior regardless of the other person's response.
If you are sorry for what you've done, their reaction doesn't matter; it is about apologizing.
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Consider the other person's perspective to understand why they took action, which helps prevent taking their behavior as an insult.
Seeing it from their perspective enables understanding rather than offense.
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Understand that angry outbursts usually reflect the speaker's internal state rather than your actions.
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Treat an apology that is not followed by changed behavior as manipulation.
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feelings, accept, whether, love19
List desired partner traits, then cultivate those same characteristics within yourself.
Before speaking or acting on anything of consequence, ask if it is consistent with the person you want to be.
It can stop you from saying things you might regret.
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Shift from pursuing love to giving it freely, becoming a net giver rather than a net taker.
Giving love is often reciprocal.
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Accept others as they are and resist the urge to fix or change them.
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Accept that you do not have control over whether someone will cheat on you.
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Give without strings attached and do not expect appreciation or anything in return; enjoy the act of giving itself.
Expecting something back turns giving into a business transaction for attention or praise rather than an act of kindness.
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Communicate openly about whether things feel right or wrong, sharing your feelings and questions because they are valuable.
You will learn about yourself.
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Accept being alone without beating yourself up about it, and work to create a life pleasing to you.
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Work out your own motives, but judge others based on their behavior.
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Smile, be polite, and treat people with respect consistently.
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Practice Nonviolent Communication.
It allows you to understand your feelings and unmet needs.
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Maintain self-respect by refusing to work harder for someone's love or friendship than they do for you.
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Define your boundaries by the actions you will take yourself, rather than demands placed on others.
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Seek mutual pleasure and care enough to please your partner, even if it requires a small, temporary emotional connection.
Animalistic desire alone is not enough
- This reflects one person's personal experience
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Ask yourself if you would wish you had treated anyone differently if they died today; if yes, make improvements now.
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Cultivate relational maturity by engaging and influencing without clinging or grasping.
It is much more rewarding than simply letting go.
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Act as if you are already the person you hope to become, showing up authentically rather than perfectly.
one person who lived it
List desired partner traits, then cultivate those same characteristics within yourself.
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Question whether negative feelings you perceive in others are actually projections of your own feelings onto them.
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Recognize that unspoken expectations lead to premeditated resentments.
one person who lived it
partner, dating, women, partners30
Participate in hobby-based groups or classes—like photography, running, cooking, yoga, biking, barcades, team sports, university clubs, or meetup.com events—to organically connect with compatible people.
Ask your partner for the favorite part of their day at bedtime as a ritual.
It can shift your perspective positively.
- Based on one couple's experience
one person who lived it
Work on becoming self-enough and seek genuine love rather than marrying for money.
Marrying for money leaves you back at square one if the relationship ends.
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Choose a partner who sees potential in you and is willing to work together toward mutual goals.
One person reported being much happier with such a partner.
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Ensure you contribute to the relationship so your partner is not pulling all the weight.
A partner can only pull all the weight for so long.
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Avoid training your brain for variety through casual sex if you desire marriage one day.
Training your brain for variety in young single years will not help if you want to get married later.
one person who lived it
Choose a life partner with extreme care and continue dating and improving yourself after marriage.
Love often fades if partners stop making an effort to build a good life together.
one person who lived it
Pursue dating if it is something you desire.
It is worth it regardless of your current status.
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Once you feel comfortable with a partner, open up about your lack of dating experience.
She will appreciate it if she is decent; some women are turned off by men who have been with many women.
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If you are between 18 and 30 years old, avoid stressing about finding a romantic partner.
You can always wait until later.
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Focus on self-improvement rather than actively searching for a partner, as the best partners often appear when you are not looking.
Things started falling into place when the focus was solely on self-improvement.
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Continue dating while improving yourself.
Self-improvement is attractive to many people, and there are people willing to support you through the process.
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Start dating by building a friendship first, then look for signs of attraction like attention to detail and frequent smiling.
Friendship provides comfort and allows you to observe these signals.
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Join cultural center activities like hiking, book clubs, or salsa dancing to meet women and improve social skills.
You will meet women and it helps with social interaction.
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Focus on being kind, interesting, compassionate, funny, and smart, as personality matters more than physical traits like height when choosing a partner.
Personality will always matter more than height.
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Avoid dating shallow women who focus on arbitrary physical standards.
You are not missing out on anything by doing so.
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Approach potential partners with questions about them rather than about yourself to show interest in them.
To find someone interested in you by showing you are interested in them.
one person who lived it
Shift dating focus from seeking validation to assessing whether the two of you are a good fit.
It is incredibly freeing.
one person who lived it
Participate in hobby-based groups or classes—like photography, running, cooking, yoga, biking, barcades, team sports, university clubs, or meetup.com events—to organically connect with compatible people.
You will naturally encounter people who resonate with you.
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Avoid comparing your new partner to the highlight reel or peak moments of your previous relationship.
It is an unfair comparison, like comparing apples and oranges.
one person who lived it
Say 'I love you' to your partner before sleeping and upon waking.
It prioritizes your partner over distractions like phones.
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Prepare a casual response if she rejects your date invitation to reduce awkwardness.
It helps make the situation less awkward.
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Stop engaging in casual hookups to avoid leading people on and managing unreciprocated feelings.
It is rare to find someone who wants only sex with no other implications, and leading people on is considered skeezy.
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Work on yourself rather than settling for incompatible partners just because it is easier.
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Do not change core aspects of yourself to be desirable; only consider a partner if they improve your already loved life.
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Wait for the initial infatuation phase to subside and the relationship to feel secure before re-establishing strict discipline routines like going to the gym.
The infatuation subsides on its own once security is established.
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Stop thinking about women and romantic relationships if focusing on virginity status distracts from actual success or if your life situation is poor.
Focusing on virginity can distract from success, and a relationship during a poor life situation can act like a drug with an inevitable destructive crash.
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Approach potential partners even if afraid of rejection, as the attempt itself feels great.
- Based on one person's recent experience
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Recognize that your first partner is not necessarily your lifelong love.
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Interact with women in real-life settings without sexual or romantic expectations to humanize them.
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Avoid oversharing personal details on the first date.
It is considered unattractive.
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Build better habits through slow change rather than seeking quick fixes, as gradual adjustments stick.
Slow change sticks.
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Read 'Attached' to learn about attachment styles in relationships.
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Read or listen to Jocko Willink’s 'Extreme Ownership' to cultivate a sense of responsibility in your life.
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