Conflict
None of this is expert advice. It's what people worked out for themselves, usually the hard way — what actually helped, and what they'd tell someone standing where you are. Take what fits and leave the rest.
If you only read a few
Treat conflicts as a shared challenge to solve together, not a battle between you two.
This shifts focus to finding solutions and can deepen your connection through new insights.
- Most relationship strategies assume both parties are acting in good faith; one bad actor will ruin it every time.
3 people, independently
Be honest with friends in private when they are wrong, rather than blindly taking their side.
Blindly taking their side obstructs their personal growth.
- Do this in private conversations, not during public confrontations.
one person who lived it
Be wary of rephrasings like 'So you're saying...' in discussions.
These often lead to strawman arguments.
one person who lived it
Refrain from running loud appliances between 9 pm and 9 am.
This is all that is needed for downstairs neighbors to appreciate you.
one person who lived it
Talk about what is bothering you when it happens, not a week later; do not wait more than three days to communicate irritation.
Your partner won't know what you are talking about if you wait.
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argument, person, avoid, people61
Frame conflicts as you and your partner working against the problem, rather than against each other.
If you cannot leave a hostile situation, maintain strong posture, do not engage, and never appear affected by taunts.
This is for cases where you cannot get away.
- Only if you cannot get away.
one person who lived it
Ask yourself if you would speak to anyone else in the same way you are speaking to your partner.
If the answer is no, it triggers shame that can correct behavior.
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Write or type out your side of the argument when you feel the urge to talk.
You aren't yourself when hopped up on adrenaline.
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Phrase conflicts as 'us vs. the problem' instead of 'me vs. you' to remove the focus on blame.
- Non-compatible partners may default to a constant 'me vs. you' dynamic.
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Stop arguing if the goal is merely to win, since nobody ever truly wins an argument.
People argue for the pleasure of winning, but nobody ever wins.
one person who lived it
Plan to use a de-escalation word to make your intent clear.
It helps ensure the argument doesn't snowball.
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Choose happiness over being right.
Being right is less important than being happy.
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Address core values (e.g., fear of guns) before trying to change someone's specific stance on an issue.
You may need to address inherent fears before they can accept opposing views.
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Avoid arguing with people who cannot provide constructive arguments or are acting like idiots.
You'll never win against them.
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Wait 24 hours after a conflict before discussing it with the other person.
Cooler heads may prevail, and real thinking happens only after emotions pass.
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If an argument does not go your way, do not ruminate on how you could have won it; instead, identify mistakes in your points or delivery and move on.
Ruminating on winning only increases anger.
- One perspective suggests arguments are for testing ideas and require time afterward to analyze how they went.
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Use a pre-agreed signal word like 'cut' and 'take two' to pause an argument, reset to a few minutes prior, and start over.
One person reported this works amazingly well.
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Ask yourself and your opponent what evidence would change their mind; if the answer is 'nothing,' stop arguing.
It reveals close-mindedness and prevents wasting time on unresolvable conflicts, which can improve relationships with relatives.
- Some suggest not engaging at all to avoid legitimizing bad-faith actors.
2 people, independently
Initiate the conversation once you have processed your feelings and know what you want to say.
One approach that helped: it was a way my partner compromised with me.
one person who lived it
Let go of your ego and compromise, even when you aren't majorly wrong.
It builds respect in your significant other's heart and eyes.
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Admit you are wrong when presented with overwhelming evidence to avoid becoming unteachable.
Refusing to accept being wrong convinces yourself you are omniscient, making you beyond the ability of common people to help.
- This practice is not often followed, particularly in US politics.
one person who lived it
View arguments as opportunities for productive understanding rather than selfish attempts to win or embarrass the other person.
This is how many important ideas develop and grow.
- Viewing an argument as 'something to gain' is selfish.
2 people, independently
Address issues directly with the person involved rather than using passive-aggressive tactics or jumping to drastic conclusions.
Communication resolves conflicts, not attraction or indirect hints.
- In some cultures, directness is seen as rude and passive aggression is the norm.
- One person reported that talking to a host led to threats and stalking.
3 people, independently
Separate yourself from your ideas to focus on determining what is right rather than who is right.
Becoming attached to a single hypothesis causes trouble; separating self from idea shifts the goal from winning to finding truth.
one person who lived it
Set aside quiet moments to discuss your relationship and air issues in a non-aggressive way.
You will have fewer arguments.
one person who lived it
Read 'Getting To Yes' by Roger Fisher and William Ury.
It is related to this way of thinking.
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Ask questions like 'why do you think that?' or 'why is this something you're passionate about?' to encourage listening instead of shouting opinions.
Focusing on listening helps even when the other person seems off-base or slanderous.
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Change your behavior quietly without announcing it to others.
They will notice the proper behavior on their own.
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Keep relationship dramas private and confide only in trusted close people.
Others may cause further damage when they know about your issues.
one person who lived it
Frame conflicts as you and your partner working against the problem, rather than against each other.
6 people, independently
Listen more and avoid cutting someone off.
Cutting people off causes them to do the same, resulting in nothing getting done and creating bitterness and resentment.
one person who lived it
Imagine how a stranger would judge your behavior during an argument to lose heat and regain perspective.
Being heated prevents introspection; imagining an observer's view can help cool down the situation.
- This may not work if you do not care what others think.
- You might rationalize that the stranger agrees with you, causing further escalation.
one person who lived it
Do not attack people verbally or physically when they hold different points of view.
Attacking only creates a wider gap between you.
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Avoid directly using the word 'why' in questions.
It can put the other person on the defensive.
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Make a hard effort to listen actively rather than just pausing to wait for your turn to speak.
Active listening is helpful.
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Invest in conversations by actively trying to understand the other person's perspective instead of just waiting for your turn to speak.
Respect is owed to people you care about.
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Solve problems outside your immediate job description to build a reputation for handling difficult issues.
It leads to other teams bringing you the hardest problems, which can be fun and lucrative.
one person who lived it
Shift the goal of an argument from winning to finding a mutual solution.
3 people, independently
- Before resolving a disagreement, identify and state the common ground you share.3
Avoid playing devil's advocate or nitpicking statements to create arguments.
It mostly just wastes time and annoys people.
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Admit fault and offer to fix mistakes quickly rather than defending yourself or blaming others.
Fixing things is valuable; blaming rarely leads to rewards.
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- Resolve mistakes immediately and focus on preventing future occurrences rather than assigning blame.1
Attack the delivery of the insult rather than the message using rhetorical questions, then do not reply.
This shuts down the conversation.
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Resume normal interactions the day after an argument, then revisit the root cause when both parties are calmer.
Solving problems is more effective than reacting to emotions.
one person who lived it
Avoid engaging in battles of witty comebacks if the other person is experienced in joking.
You will likely lose due to their experience alone.
one person who lived it
If dishwashing is a source of conflict in your relationship, consider getting a dishwasher.
One person reported that this change saved their marriage by removing the strife associated with doing dishes.
one person who lived it
Avoid arguing via text or email; have difficult discussions in person to prevent misinterpretation and permanent records of hurtful words.
Text lacks tone and feeling, and written words remain long after the event blows over.
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Leave the situation if you cannot change their opinion and do not feel compelled to respect it.
You save yourself headache by leaving before becoming emotionally involved.
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Identify the assumptions the other person is making to help interpret their argument.
Understanding underlying assumptions aids in interpretation.
- One person's finding.
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If someone disrespects your boundaries, say 'please stop' once; if they persist, leave the situation and ignore communication until the next interaction, treating it as normal.
The behavior was hurtful.
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Keep arguments focused on the current issue; do not bring up old conflicts or unrelated topics.
3 people, independently
If someone blames you for a mistake they made, recognize that they may be avoiding responsibility rather than communicating honestly.
People often blame others because they cannot accept their own mistakes and know they are wrong.
one person who lived it
Focus on becoming right rather than seeming right; seek feedback on the quality of your argument instead of just trying to win.
Worrying about winning prioritizes appearance over actual correctness.
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Avoid arguments with loved ones over meaningless material stuff.
Such arguments seem silly afterwards and help one become less selfish.
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Hold relationship check-ins in a distraction-free environment with soft background music, avoiding dinner time.
Dinner is a distraction; this setting helps you focus on each other.
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Confront problems directly instead of ignoring them.
Problems generally do not go away if ignored.
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If a conversation partner becomes defensive or silent, clarify your intent to help them feel safe.
Defensiveness and silence indicate the person feels unsafe; clarifying intent helps keep the dialogue flowing.
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Avoid investing emotional energy in matters where you lack authority to enforce outcomes.
You may be happier.
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Agree to disagree and move on from topics that provoke strong emotions but lack true relevance to your life, such as opposing politics.
It is a mature approach to avoid unnecessary conflict over irrelevant issues.
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Explain your side clearly without being submissive or attacking.
Attacking or holding grudges won't help anything.
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Do not hold an opinion on any topic unless you know the opposing argument better than the proponents do.
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CC senior management or decision-makers on emails regarding unresolved issues to compel attention and action.
Seeing high-level executives copied forces people to listen and gets things moving.
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Avoid assigning gender stereotypes to emotional traits, such as labeling men as angry or women as overly emotional.
It comes across as sexist.
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Frame difficult conversations with roommates, neighbors, or colleagues as talks rather than confrontations to preserve the relationship.
You will still need to be around them after the interaction.
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Replace the redundant phrase 'as per' in professional communication with clearer alternatives like 'as we discussed' or 'per our conversation'.
'As per' is considered redundant.
one person who lived it
Write out your side of a disagreement, including references with your opinions, in a note-taking app like Google Keep.
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neighbors, neighbor, noise, sounds20
Politely tell the neighbor their dog barks constantly before taking legal action.
Move to a new residence if other measures fail, as neighbors, landlords, and police may not care.
Moving is described as the only option in these cases.
one person who lived it
Politely tell the neighbor their dog barks constantly before taking legal action.
People reported that neighbors often do not know they are causing a problem, and fixing it preserves relations.
3 people, independently
Install an ultrasonic dog barking deterrent near the fence to emit high-pitched tones when dogs bark.
The tone is safe for humans but disliked by dogs, potentially stopping the barking.
- One person reported it did nothing.
- Some consider sound torture a poor method for calming animals.
3 people, independently
If you live in an apartment complex and are willing to relocate your belongings, request a move to a ground-floor unit.
It solves noise conflicts from upstairs or downstairs neighbors.
one person who lived it
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If the neighbor does not stop after being asked, tell the Resident Advisor.
The neighbor may stop because they are embarrassed.
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Replace noisy furniture, such as a creaky mattress, with a quieter model.
You are not doing anything wrong if the noise is involuntary.
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Make friends with other neighbors and discreetly ask about the difficult neighbor.
Find out if the behavior is an aberration.
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If you can, move out; one person moved prior to their lease ending because the neighbors were assholes.
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Play unexpected music genres, such as death metal instead of your usual style, via a cell phone to confuse obsessive neighbors who are monitoring your sounds.
To throw them off.
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Talk to neighbors politely about noise issues early, as they may be unaware and willing to fix the problem.
One neighbor was apologetic and fixed floorboards once informed they were causing noise.
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Ask the neighbor to close their curtains to block visual triggers for the dog.
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When complaining about noise, focus on the sound itself rather than identifying the source to avoid making the neighbor defensive.
The neighbor likely already knows the source.
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Retaliate by intentionally creating noise, such as rolling over in bed loudly, if neighbors are obnoxious about normal living sounds.
To be petty and do back what they are doing to you.
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Ignore the noisy neighbor so they do not get satisfaction from annoying you and invest their energy elsewhere.
When they don't get satisfaction from annoying y'all, they'll invest their energy somewhere else.
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Allow children to tantrum in a safe, enclosed area where they cannot run into traffic, while ignoring the negative behavior and praising correct behavior.
Non-response to negative attention-seeking combined with praise for good behavior stops the tantrum.
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Bang on the wall or ceiling while the noise is occurring to alert neighbors immediately.
One couple reported that being banged on during intimacy made them stop immediately.
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Anonymously escalate complaints to the property owner if the manager is ineffective.
The building loses money when tenants are kicked out without cause.
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Install a security camera and inform management that you feel unsafe due to harassment.
To document harassment and protect yourself.
one person who lived it
Contact property management to handle noise complaints instead of confronting neighbors directly.
Property managers are paid to send formal complaints, sparing you from having to do it.
one person who lived it
Study in a busy library while drowning out noise with classical music, as staying home may lead to boredom and phone distractions.
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Take up productive, mindless tasks like doing dishes or pulling weeds while waiting to talk.
It lets you process and reflect.
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To gain a deeper understanding of a subject, argue with yourself by imagining both sides of the issue.
Imagining both sides provides deeper understanding.
- This requires having some prior knowledge of the subject to argue either side effectively.
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Interview yourself by asking and answering questions about a topic to gauge your actual level of knowledge.
It provides insight into the amount or lack of knowledge you truly possess.
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Question your own position to develop an informed viewpoint and understand what others are trying to say.
Understanding the other side increases your ability to influence their viewpoint.
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Stage fake phone conversations criticizing the neighbor's complaints when you know they are listening.
To humiliate them and deter further complaints.
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Document the times and descriptions of noise incidents in a ledger to provide evidence to landlords or authorities.
It helps prove your point with concrete records.
2 people, independently
Keep a dated list with full descriptions of actions and words for potential legal remedy.
Courts view a dated list as an official timeline in legal remedies.
one person who lived it
If you find proof of a parent's infidelity, tell the betrayed partner immediately before any upcoming trip, ensuring privacy to avoid chaos.
To avoid chaos if tempers flare.
one person who lived it