Conflict resolution
None of this is expert advice. It's what people worked out for themselves, usually the hard way — what actually helped, and what they'd tell someone standing where you are. Take what fits and leave the rest.
If you only read a few
Act as if you are being recorded during an argument to prevent saying things you will regret.
It helps you stay calm, make concise points, and avoid saying hurtful or silly things you don't mean. It may also help you appear more mature to others.
- One person reported this increased their paranoia and anxiety, making it hard to be themselves.
- Another noted it might prevent you from saying things you do mean, effectively forcing you to lie.
5 people, independently
Stop trying to be an 'easy to like' version of yourself.
One person reported feeling way calmer after losing a few people when they stopped doing this.
- You may lose a few people.
one person who lived it
Do not answer your phone before you are on the clock; call back at your start time.
You are not at work.
one person who lived it
Speak lower than normal when upset to encourage the other person to calm down and listen.
It prompts them to respond in kind and helps them listen.
- Some people may interpret calmness as not caring.
one person who lived it
Meet rudeness with stoicism and a hint of friendliness, such as smiling and thanking them for corrections.
This can infuriate rude people more than revenge.
- Some may interpret this as passivity or 'turning the other cheek,' which can justify passive aggressiveness.
one person who lived it
argument, prevent, arguments, avoid31
Enter arguments aiming for common understanding rather than trying to win.
Wait 24 hours until you are no longer emotional before taking on a difficult topic again.
A day can make a significant difference in emotional state.
- Based on one person's advice to their husband.
one person who lived it
Admit when you were wrong.
It is great practice for controlling impulsive reactions.
one person who lived it
If you feel a fight brewing, relax and hug each other instead of fighting.
One person reported this changed their initial response from wanting to fight to wanting to be held.
one person who lived it
If your partner needs space, treat it as their method for solving the problem rather than avoidance.
Talking immediately may prevent them from calming down and lead to a fight.
one person who lived it
26 more on this
Stop talking when interrupted; if asked what is wrong, state that you did not want to interrupt them.
They might get the hint.
one person who lived it
Do not get mad.
Anger is pointless, worsens bad situations, and interferes with rational thinking and good solutions.
one person who lived it
If arguments become too heated, use a humorous or absurd safe word spoken in a ridiculous voice to break the tension.
It is difficult to stay angry while saying or hearing such phrases.
one person who lived it
Enter arguments aiming for common understanding rather than trying to win.
Winning rarely changes minds; treating the other person with respect leads to more fruitful discussions.
2 people, independently
Phrase disagreements as personal thoughts (e.g., 'I think...') rather than dismissive corrections.
This avoids being dismissive of the other person's opinion while still offering your own.
one person who lived it
Focus on communicating your needs and working with your partner to find a solution instead of saying you are losing interest.
Saying 'I'm losing interest in you' burns bridges.
one person who lived it
When requesting a pause in an argument, validate your partner's perspective first by saying you hear them and need time to cool off, rather than abruptly ending the conversation.
This approach makes the other person feel heard.
one person who lived it
Directly ask if you have caused harm, stating your desire to avoid hurting them in the future.
To prevent repeating harmful behavior.
one person who lived it
If you are upset or angry, hold back from sending a letter until your emotions settle.
Sending it while upset may leave the recipient disconsolate; waiting allows emotions to settle.
one person who lived it
Avoid using 'you' statements.
They tend to make people defensive.
one person who lived it
Resist the urge to call people stupid to avoid developing resentment toward them.
Calling them stupid leads to resentment, which creates further problems.
one person who lived it
Avoid using the word 'I' in arguments to remove yourself from the conflict and appear more rational.
Unnecessary 'I's distract from the point and make it seem like you are defending yourself rather than your argument, which boosts credibility.
one person who lived it
Ask yourself if being right is useful before engaging in an argument, especially with strangers.
Being right is likely not useful when dealing with a stranger.
one person who lived it
Remain calm during an argument to prevent escalation and potentially de-escalate the other person's hostility.
Remaining calm can prevent escalation and give you control of the argument.
2 people, independently
- Walk away from an argument when both sides are angry and frustrated to cool off before resuming.1
Use 'I' statements in arguments to signal communication intent rather than an attempt to overpower the other person.
It helps keep the other person from becoming immediately defensive.
2 people, independently
Use the 'grey-rock' method by responding with neutral phrases like 'Huh, interesting' to deprive trolls of the emotional reaction they seek.
It makes you featureless and uninteresting, giving them nothing to latch onto or feed from.
one person who lived it
Use a timer during difficult discussions to limit conversation to 5-10 minutes and prevent tangents.
It keeps the discussion focused on the specific problem.
one person who lived it
If the argument is purely factual, look up the information immediately so the fact speaks for itself.
It avoids spending pointless time arguing.
one person who lived it
Ask gently if everything is okay; even if they lie and say yes, you have shown that you care.
It demonstrates emotional support regardless of whether they are ready to talk.
one person who lived it
When you realize the other person has made a valid point, pause and explicitly say 'You're right' to focus on rationality over emotion.
This keeps emotions subject to rationality, surprises the other person positively, and earns respect for your discipline.
one person who lived it
When an argument goes in circles, suggest taking a break to deescalate the situation and allow time to discuss later.
Taking a break massively deescalates the conflict.
one person who lived it
Label a colleague's behavior as naysaying rather than analyzing their motives.
You cannot know their internal mechanism and may be wrong; it also violates the social rule against ascribing motive.
one person who lived it
Unless specifically asked for your opinion, do not voice disagreement in casual conversations.
To avoid turning interactions into passive arguments or unnecessary outward disagreement.
one person who lived it
Maintain cool professionalism by using pleasant looks and phrases; acknowledge the other person's existence cordially without bringing up the past.
Learning etiquette helps you remain professional.
one person who lived it
If accused of transphobia, end the conversation with a question that invites collaboration rather than defensively insisting you are not transphobic.
Inviting collaboration is likely a better approach than angrily defending yourself.
one person who lived it
Have an adult conversation without name-calling.
Name-calling puts you in a perceived position of superiority.
one person who lived it
people, person, mutual, friends25
Understand that others' opinions about you are not your concern.
View becoming a better person as an endless quest that continues as long as you keep trying.
It helps overcome the feeling that you have failed or stopped improving.
one person who lived it
Do not take dislike personally; maintain politeness toward those who dislike you so that you do not become a bad person.
To ensure you do not become a bad person.
one person who lived it
Understand that others' opinions about you are not your concern.
6 people, independently
Stop associating with people you do not like, as staying around them is deceptive and unfair to both parties.
They will find other people to associate with.
one person who lived it
20 more on this
Consider whether mean comments might be right; if true, take them as advice, but if false, ignore them.
Mean doesn't necessarily mean wrong.
one person who lived it
Ignore people you do not click with or who refuse to overcome their bias, to save time for those who appreciate you.
Wasting time on incompatible people takes away from those who deserve your time.
one person who lived it
Recognize that being disliked by some is inevitable, as no one in history has been loved by everyone.
Every human in history has been hated by some; just as you don't like everyone you meet, others won't like you.
one person who lived it
Take up mutual back-and-forth conversation by responding to what the other person says, rather than waiting for your turn to speak.
It helps ensure you get along with people who communicate this way.
one person who lived it
In your private time, owe no one friendliness; a simple 'hi' is enough if you choose to acknowledge them.
Being friendly doesn't cost much effort.
one person who lived it
Balance your social time by ensuring you are not exclusively hanging out with one friend.
Exclusively hanging out with one person can be an issue for their other friends.
one person who lived it
Provide small verbal check-ins to friends to explain that your quietness is not directed at them, such as stating you are just relaxing.
This helps friends understand you better.
one person who lived it
Pick your battles regarding passing comments from strangers.
Chasing down every person who made a comment will leave you exhausted.
one person who lived it
Recognize that if you make someone feel bad, they will associate all negative moments about you with that feeling.
The negativity gets amplified.
one person who lived it
If a mutual friend has a hostile acquaintance, continue spending time with the friend and ignore the hostile person unless they become confrontational.
The mutual friend may eventually realize the hostile person is not kind.
one person who lived it
Invest your energy in people who actually care about you rather than trying to win over those who do not.
one person who lived it
- Direct your energy toward those who appreciate you rather than attempting to satisfy those who do not.5
Accept that you cannot please everyone and stop trying to win over bigoted people.
one person who lived it
Have friends proofread your apology letter before sending it.
To ensure you do not miss anything important.
one person who lived it
Normalize mutual incompatibility by recalling great people you met but did not feel connected to.
Often, a lack of connection is nothing personal.
one person who lived it
Distance yourself from toxic people, especially around holidays.
Human relations are intricately complicated and toxicity is never wanted.
one person who lived it
Withhold attention from negative behavior to avoid reinforcing it.
Paying attention encourages the behavior to continue.
one person who lived it
Expect to discover hidden dislikes only when conflicts arise or mutual friends reveal behind-the-back comments.
This is based on one person's experience of how such information typically comes out.
one person who lived it
Ignore dislike by pretending you do not recognize the person's negative demeanor.
Do not overreact and stop expecting people's perspectives on you.
one person who lived it
Deliberately misinterpret demeaning comments as compliments and respond with a big smile.
This turns the interaction into a game.
one person who lived it
Limit conversations with people who dislike you to necessary interactions; remain polite but avoid excessive friendliness, offering only a brief greeting before moving on.
3 people, independently
Objectively inform your supervisor that a client is tricky and difficult to deal with.
It may save you if the client reports you.
one person who lived it
Challenge children's beliefs in an educational manner rather than ignoring the issue.
Ignoring the problem allows racists to end up in charge.
one person who lived it
Ignore racist comments from family members if confronting them risks starting a fight with low reward.
They are unlikely to change.
one person who lived it
Refuse to take on the responsibility of educating coworkers on racism or microaggressions.
It should not be the burden of marginalized groups to teach others how to act human.
one person who lived it
8 more on this
Project indifference or confusion toward harassers by smiling blankly or suddenly breaking into a belly laugh.
This confuses them, scares them, or leaves them unsure of what else to say.
2 people, independently
Feign ignorance and ask clarifying questions to force people to justify their racist views.
Making them repeat or elaborate makes them appear foolish and removes the humor.
one person who lived it
Describe offensive comments as 'racially insensitive' rather than 'racist' to focus on the lack of awareness in the comment itself, preventing the speaker from becoming defensive or finding it funny.
Using 'racist' implies malice and shuts down dialogue, while 'racially insensitive' highlights a lack of sensitivity.
one person who lived it
Address fights constructively after they occur rather than brushing them off.
Unaddressed conflicts will blow up into bigger problems.
one person who lived it
Judge whether a comment stems from genuine curiosity or malice before deciding how to react.
Genuine fascination is different from intentional racism.
one person who lived it
Report racist workplace behavior immediately to management or Human Resources.
This is unacceptable behavior and you do not have to fight it alone.
one person who lived it
Pick your battles carefully in professional or socially rigid environments to protect your reputation.
Constantly policing speech in a racist culture can damage your reputation; picking battles helps succeed socially.
one person who lived it
Reject apologies that blame racist behavior on external factors like alcohol rather than owning up to it.
Such apologies are merely excuses for racism.
one person who lived it