Decision making
None of this is expert advice. It's what people worked out for themselves, usually the hard way — what actually helped, and what they'd tell someone standing where you are. Take what fits and leave the rest.
If you only read a few
Have a clear conversation about whether you want children before getting married.
It is better to know if one person wants kids and the other doesn't before tying the knot.
one person who lived it
Do not stop living while waiting for a partner to return.
Time can help things.
one person who lived it
If a relationship is not working, create a plan with a deadline to try fixing it before deciding to leave.
If it really doesn't work out, at least you both tried.
one person who lived it
Assume a partner will not change, as change is a slow, internal process.
Assuming they won't change is the safest option.
one person who lived it
If you need a change but not a major relocation, move to a different neighborhood within your metro area.
It provides the change you need without the magnitude of moving across the country.
one person who lived it
Stop spending time with people who do not spend time with you.
3 people, independently
Accept that all things change so you stop trying to hold on to them.
one person who lived it
Read 'The 5 Love Languages' by Gary Chapman to mature your understanding of relationships and reshape how you think about them.
It can mature you and completely reshape the way you think about a relationship, helping you understand that people communicate love in different ways.
2 people, independently
Stop searching for a mythical 'soulmate' and instead seek a partner willing to engage in mutual effort, compromise, and balanced give-and-take.
The concept of 'the one' is a made-up idea to sell romantic novels and movies; real relationships require work and commitment.
- Recognize if a relationship is beyond salvation and do not force yourself to remain in a broken one.
one person who lived it
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Check in on distant friends to see if they are okay, rather than assuming they are excluding you.
Distance may indicate a serious issue rather than exclusion due to a new relationship.
one person who lived it
Build independent connections in a new location instead of relying solely on a partner's network.
Relying only on a partner's network can make it feel like your whole life is them.
one person who lived it
Take time to reflect on what is better for both partners—sharing or not—rather than seeking a universal rule, as individual comfort levels vary.
There is no single good answer that works for every couple ever.
one person who lived it
Be your authentic self in a relationship rather than putting on a show, because pretending is unsustainable and only hurts yourself if they don't like the real you.
Putting on a show is unsustainable; if they don't like who you are, there is no point in pretending other than to hurt yourself.
one person who lived it
Find joy in solitude before forming an attachment to someone else.
7 people, independently
Hang out with friends without your partner to preserve the dynamic and avoid making friends feel awkward.
Having a partner present changes the dynamic drastically.
one person who lived it
Enter a relationship with the goal of becoming best friends and partners, not just lovers.
Lasting relationships are built on friendship; sexual attraction and friendship are both necessary but neither is enough on its own.
one person who lived it
Communicate your needs, as your partner's behavior may not reflect who they really are if you are not communicating.
Without effective communication, partners may guess what you like, and their behavior may not reflect their true self.
one person who lived it
View life as a scientific experiment where no outcome is a failure, but rather a lesson.
one person who lived it
Understand that relationships with kids involve an exponential factor of relationships to manage.
People often do not understand the complexity added by kids.
one person who lived it
Avoid rushing into new relationships; focus on refreshing yourself in the present rather than worrying about others' options.
Thinking about others' options is described as a negative approach.
one person who lived it
Maintain connections outside your relationship to prevent friends and family from becoming frustrated and to avoid smothering your partner.
Disappearing into a relationship frustrates others and can make a partner feel smothered.
one person who lived it
If you struggle with indecision about where to eat, create a 'dinner cup' filled with folded paper slips listing food options or assigning the choice to one partner, then shake and pick one.
one person who lived it