Emotional intelligence
None of this is expert advice. It's what people worked out for themselves, usually the hard way — what actually helped, and what they'd tell someone standing where you are. Take what fits and leave the rest.
If you only read a few
Do not dampen someone else's good mood.
Some people in a bad mood feel it is rude for others to be happy and try to bring them down, which can silence the happy person.
one person who lived it
If you cannot fix your own bad day, try to make someone else's day better.
You can only improve other people's days when you cannot make your own less terrible.
one person who lived it
Remind those who claim 'life isn't fair' that while life may be unfair, they can choose to be fair themselves.
Fairness is within your control, such as deciding whether to accept assignments.
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Reach out to teachers who had a positive impact on you to update them on your life.
Nothing brightens their day more than old students coming back and telling them what they're up to now.
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Set limits on giving to takers because they have no limits themselves.
Takers have no limits.
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If you cannot answer what would change your mind, reflect on why, as this may reveal unconscious intransigence.
It can jolt you into realizing you might be being intransigent without conscious awareness.
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Do not use life's unfairness as an excuse to treat others poorly; take responsibility for your own behavior.
Being a jerk is a choice, not a result of life being unfair.
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Respect yourself by not offering to perform extreme favors for others on a daily basis.
If you do not respect yourself in this way, others will not respect you either.
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Assume ignorance or incompetence before assuming malice when interpreting unclear intentions, but do not rule out malice entirely.
This approach, known as Hanlon's Razor, suggests attributing actions to stupidity rather than malice where possible.
- Ignorance can be just as infuriating as malice.
- Malice should not be ruled out completely.
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Accept that you will not get along with everyone; remain cordial without trying to be friends with all.
You cannot be everyone's friend.
one person who lived it
When someone wrongs you, consciously recall the good things they have done to prevent resentment from overshadowing your relationship.
Forgetting the good allows the bad to fester and hurt.
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Smile or move happily to trigger your body to produce happiness hormones.
Your body reacts as if you were indeed happy.
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Use the 'shit sandwich' approach when criticizing: start with something good, state the criticism, then end with something good.
Leading off with a compliment works wonders socially.
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React to hostility with kindness and respectful dignity.
Nothing frustrates those trying to provoke you more than failing to anger someone who refuses to get angry.
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Read and manage other people's emotions to deescalate situations.
Men tend to lack empathy.
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Do not belittle people's problems by comparing them to others' worse situations.
Everyone has their own unique struggles to solve, regardless of how significant other people's problems are.
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Start opening up by sharing random thoughts with trusted siblings or asking if they have time for a serious talk.
Communication is essential for maintaining relationships.
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Critique the argument or idea rather than attacking the person holding it.
Focusing on people reflects small minds, whereas focusing on concepts is superior.
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Assume rude behavior stems from physical distress rather than malice.
It increases patience and reduces stress.
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Emulate a respected figure you admire in the moment to maintain composure when angry.
It makes you feel better.
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Allow yourself to experience emotions fully instead of stifling them, even if strict adherence to Stoic principles suggests otherwise.
Strictly following Stoicism may not be fruitful in all cases.
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Recognize that hostility in others may stem from a lack of self-love to generate compassion instead of frustration.
It lessens frustration and generates compassion rather than pity.
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Avoid 'topping' or one-upping others when they share complaints or accomplishments.
This behavior is disrespectful and alienating.
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Emulate positive conduct rather than admiring specific people, recognizing you cannot be them but can copy their actions.
You can emulate positive conduct even if you cannot be the successful person.
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When someone offends you, assume ignorance rather than malice and respond with gentle education instead of anger.
Usually it's ignorance or misunderstanding.
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If 'vulnerability' feels uncomfortable, try using words like 'earnestness,' 'openness,' or 'full disclosure' instead.
Using different terms can make the concept feel less 'dirty' while accomplishing the same goal of honest communication.
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Read novels or poetry and discuss characters' feelings and actions to practice identifying and articulating feelings indirectly.
This helps if you feel uncomfortable talking about yourself.
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Recognize that each person gets only one special thing at a time, rather than viewing others as having multiple advantages simultaneously.
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Interpret ambiguous phrases by listening to tone and considering context rather than assuming a single meaning.
Tone can indicate empathy or insult; if the context is unclear, it likely was not empathetic.
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Live with uncomfortable emotions without fixating on getting rid of them, allowing them to exist without taking over your life.
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Maintain respect for others even if they are disrespectful, but rescind trust when someone proves untrustworthy.
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Label specific emotions like 'betrayed' or 'angry' instead of using vague terms like 'shit' to help others understand your experience.
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Imagine yourself in another person's position to gauge how your behavior appears to them.
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Withhold personal details from others if you are uneasy about their awareness.
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