Expectations
None of this is expert advice. It's what people worked out for themselves, usually the hard way — what actually helped, and what they'd tell someone standing where you are. Take what fits and leave the rest.
If you only read a few
Focus on changing your own actions and reactions rather than trying to change other people.
You cannot control others, and focusing on yourself is more efficient.
- Do not change yourself *for* other people.
8 people, independently
Influence others through example instead of trying to change them with words.
People hate being told what to do.
one person who lived it
Accept that no one will put your needs above their own, but do not put your needs behind anyone else's either.
It is normal for others to focus on themselves.
one person who lived it
Know when to disengage from arguments to protect your own sanity.
Some comments and tweets can ruin your day.
one person who lived it
Admit when you were wrong to demonstrate integrity and prevent others from using your past stance against you.
It deflates anyone trying to use your previous position against you.
- Refusing to admit defeat can sometimes win people over by appearing intimidating.
one person who lived it
Do not insult someone or call them names when trying to change their opinion.
Using insults indicates a weak argument or excessive emotion.
- Wait until you are calm and respectful before arguing so your point might land.
one person who lived it
View listening as an active two-way conversation where your partner absorbs your words, rather than expecting them to sit silently while you talk at them.
Listening involves absorbing what is said and engaging in a two-way exchange; expecting a partner to just sit there like a lump is not a good model for a relationship.
one person who lived it
Lower unrealistic standards for friends, acknowledging that no one is perfect.
Expecting too much or having high standards can be problematic since nobody is perfect.
one person who lived it
Avoid pointing out how different someone's new behavior is from their old habits.
Reminding them of past behavior subtly puts them down and draws unwanted attention, making it difficult for them to continue the new behavior.
one person who lived it
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Expect negativity from others when making positive changes, but do not let it stop you.
Those who criticize may lack willpower, be jealous, or fear how your change affects them; getting criticized for self-improvement may indicate a toxic environment.
one person who lived it
Avoid placing friends on a pedestal, as doing so sets you up for severe disappointment when their flaws eventually appear.
Idealizing others leads to intense disappointment and avoidance when their imperfections are revealed.
one person who lived it
Discard solutions that rely on everyone behaving perfectly, as human behavior is hard to influence and habits resist change.
People will not simply change habits, especially if it disrupts them, and requiring strong majority agreement is contrary to human nature.
one person who lived it
Point out potential negatives of a decision to encourage reconsideration.
This approach is preferable to being dismissive and may make them reconsider.
one person who lived it
Take responsibility for your own happiness by not expecting others to magically know what you are thinking or feeling.
one person who lived it
Accept that real people are imperfect but capable of genuine love and connection, unlike idealized fictional characters.
one person who lived it
Recognize that intense feelings for someone you haven't spent substantial intimate time with are likely infatuation with an imaginary idea, not love.
one person who lived it