Marriage
None of this is expert advice. It's what people worked out for themselves, usually the hard way — what actually helped, and what they'd tell someone standing where you are. Take what fits and leave the rest.
If you only read a few
Only propose if you are certain the answer will be yes.
If you do not know the answer, you likely do not know your partner well enough to propose, and neither of you may be ready for marriage.
3 people, independently
Talk extensively about marriage with your partner well in advance of proposing.
A good proposal feels like a natural progression rather than a shocking revelation.
9 people, independently
One approach that helped: extend the proposal with a scavenger hunt ending in a puzzle box.
It was worth it.
one person who lived it
To estimate a partner's ring size without direct measurement, slide one of their rings onto your own fingers to find the best fit.
Different rings fit differently on each finger, and comparing the fit to your own hand can provide an approximate size that a jeweler can adjust.
- Do not use this method for expensive or important items like engagement rings; find out the actual size instead.
- The estimate may be slightly off.
3 people, independently
Consider living together before marriage to ease into the lifestyle shift and see your partner outside of date mode.
It acts as a test-run to identify potential issues early and prevents marriage from being a huge lifestyle shift.
- Data suggests co-habitation before marriage is generally associated with higher divorce rates beyond the first year.
3 people, independently
- Live with your partner before marriage to see their full habits and baggage.1
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Involve your partner in selecting the engagement ring to ensure it matches their preferences and size.
It is something they will wear every day for the rest of their life, and it is important to get something they like.
5 people, independently
Do not spend an amount equivalent to a house down payment or three months' salary on an engagement ring.
Spending that much is described as absurd.
2 people, independently
Take a long road trip or cruise with your partner to see how they handle being locked in together.
You'll know them soon enough
one person who lived it
Choose a partner who is also your best friend rather than basing the decision solely on looks or money.
Choosing based on irrelevant factors like looks or money leads to a bad time.
one person who lived it
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Avoid asking long-term couples when they plan to get married.
It may cause discomfort if one partner has not proposed or does not intend to.
one person who lived it
Never propose at someone else's wedding unless you have explicit permission from the bride and groom.
It is their day, not yours.
one person who lived it
Move in together for 2-3 years before considering marriage to get a better picture of long-term habits and changes.
People change, especially in their formative years.
one person who lived it
Marry someone you respect, as other feelings fluctuate over time.
Other aspects of the relationship wax and wane.
one person who lived it
If you are waiting for your partner to propose, consider proposing yourself.
They may want to but be afraid to initiate due to gender norms.
one person who lived it
Do not propose at large public events like sporting games.
The crowd pressure coerces the partner into giving a quick answer to please the audience rather than expressing their true feelings.
one person who lived it
Accept high fives as a valid reaction to proposals, viewing them as cute moments that make for good stories later.
Marriage partners are friends, and friends high five; it is not a social faux pas.
one person who lived it
Marry someone who is comfortable not taking on massive debt to fund the wedding.
Starting life together in unnecessary massive debt builds resentment.
one person who lived it
Do not attempt to create multiple 401(k) accounts with the same employer to separate pre- and post-marital contributions.
This is not an option; employers do not allow it. QDROs can date 401(k)s back to specific days if needed.
one person who lived it
If proposing in a scenic or public location, warn your partner beforehand so they can prepare for photos.
To avoid them being upset about not having time to look their best for the pictures.
one person who lived it
- If prioritizing photos is important to you and your partner, delay the proposal until conditions are favorable.1
View a prenup as intentional planning for your marriage's future, since state laws already provide a default plan if you do not create one.
Without a prenup, the jurisdiction's default rules apply automatically.
2 people, independently
Give small-denomination bills as wedding gifts if the couple is traveling immediately after the wedding.
Small bills are easier to spend than larger bills during travel.
one person who lived it
Write wedding checks payable to the bride OR the groom, using pre-wedding last names if necessary, so either party can deposit it without the other's signature.
Couples may not have a joint bank account yet, and 'and' requires both signatures.
one person who lived it
Consult your partner's friends for ideas on ring style, proposal locations, or behind-the-scenes help.
They often have good insights and can assist with setup.
one person who lived it
Do not expect an engagement just because you have been dating for a long time, as this expectation can ruin a relationship.
Nobody owes you anything regardless of how long you have dated.
one person who lived it
Do not get married to fix a boring or problematic relationship.
Marriage does not fix broken things; it only formalizes what is already there.
one person who lived it
Before marrying, ask yourself who you would bet everything on to come through for you no matter what.
one person who lived it
- Do not propose if you are unsure about your own readiness for marriage.1
Ask your partner's friends about their ideal ring style.
Women often discuss their ideal engagement ring details with close friends.
one person who lived it
Avoid opening joint bank accounts unless necessary.
You become liable for your partner's debts and overdrafts.
one person who lived it
Be aware that hiding a pregnancy at a wedding may fail.
Experienced observers may notice signs such as not drinking or dancing.
one person who lived it
Do not marry your first girlfriend if you mistook her friendliness for genuine friendship.
one person who lived it
Initiate difficult conversations when your partner is relaxed and receptive.
This is the best time.
one person who lived it
Marry someone you genuinely enjoy talking with, ensuring conversation is mutual and stimulating even on bad days.
A stimulating conversation can help turn a bad day around; physical attraction fades, but irritation or boredom will not change.
one person who lived it
Take a premarital class or complete questionnaires comparing values, finances, and life goals.
It ensures discussions happen around critical topics like when/if you want kids.
one person who lived it
Do not use a marriage proposal as a last-ditch effort to save a relationship where your partner is losing interest.
one person who lived it
Avoid proposing if you have not discussed the future enough to feel relatively sure they will say yes.
Proposing without certainty risks rejection and embarrassment.
one person who lived it
Consider proposing on a holiday you personally dislike.
If successful, you can enjoy the day together; if it fails, your feelings about the holiday remain unchanged.
one person who lived it
Ask your partner directly what their dream proposal looks like.
To avoid embarrassing scenarios where they are photographed in uncomfortable positions or settings.
one person who lived it
Avoid grand public gestures for proposals.
To prevent potential embarrassment or heartache if the response is negative.
one person who lived it
- Determine your partner's preference for public versus private proposals before asking.1
Question the assumption that marriage is a default state before signing legal contracts.
one person who lived it
Open new investment accounts for contributions made during marriage and stop contributing to pre-marital accounts.
This keeps 'before marriage' and 'during marriage' funds separate.
one person who lived it
Ask guests about their intended last names before writing wedding checks to avoid banking delays.
Assumed names may require extra trips to the bank and signing under incorrect identities.
one person who lived it
Include both partners' names on wedding gift envelopes, cards, and checks to avoid appearing dismissive or passive-aggressive.
Omitting one partner's name can come across as dismissive.
one person who lived it
Travel together before marriage to see how you both handle uncontrolled environments, unforeseen stresses, and obstacles.
It illuminates how partners work together under different kinds of stress.
one person who lived it
Keep the intent to marry known, but make the specific timing, location, and method a surprise.
5 people, independently
Resolve any uncertainty about whether your partner will say yes before buying a ring.
one person who lived it
Propose with a cheap placeholder ring and choose the actual engagement ring together with your partner.
one person who lived it
One approach that helped: joke about ugly engagement rings in public by pointing out hideous ones; this prompted my partner to point out ones she actually liked and try them on.
one person who lived it
Discuss last name preferences (keeping, changing, or hyphenating) before marriage.
one person who lived it
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Use the book or card game 'Fair Play' to divide chores in a way that genuinely removes the mental load from your partner.
Try to work out problems before giving up, as giving up is easy.
Giving up is easy.
one person who lived it
Clean on Thursdays so you have a chore-free weekend starting Friday evening.
This allows you to have the whole weekend free of chores after work on Friday.
one person who lived it
Use the book or card game 'Fair Play' to divide chores in a way that genuinely removes the mental load from your partner.
3 people, independently
Read 'Atomic Habits' to understand how tiny changes compound into big results.
Small actions build deeper roots over time.
one person who lived it
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Provide cash only for shopping trips to enforce a hard limit on spending.
The spender cannot exceed the amount of cash provided.
one person who lived it
Read 'How to Keep House While Drowning' (available as an audiobook) for helpful household management strategies.
It is described as so helpful.
one person who lived it
If cleaning standards are causing marital conflict due to executive functioning struggles, consider hiring a cleaner.
One person reported it was the best money they ever spent after their marriage nearly fell apart.
one person who lived it
Calmly correct blame-shifting without anger to encourage accountability, then form a plan together to avoid future issues.
It gives the other person the ability to accept blame knowing you won't be angry.
one person who lived it
Approach household responsibilities like a project by using critical path planning and thinking a few steps ahead.
Critical path planning used at work can be applied here.
one person who lived it
Swallow your pride and accept assistance when you cannot provide basic necessities.
one person who lived it
Build an IKEA furniture piece together as one approach to testing compatibility under frustrating conditions.
one person who lived it
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Verbally express gratitude and respect for specific contributions your partner makes.
Accept that new annoying habits will arise over time as people change, and focus on love rather than perfection.
People change over time and it is normal.
one person who lived it
Say 'thank you' frequently to your partner for small contributions like cooking or grocery shopping.
It is important to see and acknowledge your partner’s contributions.
2 people, independently
- Verbally express gratitude and respect for specific contributions your partner makes.4
Never compare your partner's cooking or household methods to your mother's.
Doing so implies you expect your adult partner to care for you like a child.
one person who lived it
Untangle all shared finances if you want to stay friends but separate lives, so you are not the emergency fund when your partner is broke.
To avoid being the emergency fund when the spouse is broke.
one person who lived it
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Understand and manage both your own needs and your partner's needs.
Putting aside your own needs to focus on a partner in everything leads to unhappiness, resentment, and being taken advantage of.
one person who lived it
Communicate openly when you are having a bad day or are upset, rather than hiding your feelings to protect your partner.
Hiding feelings does not work; stating the cause helps the other person go on with life.
one person who lived it
Re-work out friendships to distinguish between those who lift you up and those who drag you down as you grow.
Clarity emerges as you grow into yourself
one person who lived it
Handle minor complaints and unexpressed feelings promptly to stop them from becoming resentment.
Small annoyances may accumulate over time if you are not careful.
3 people, independently
Treat fixing financial issues now as an investment to prevent them from recurring later.
To ensure the problem does not come up again.
one person who lived it
Observe your partner during deep upset or intoxication to see their worst traits, but focus on how they respond the next day when you discuss their behavior.
Deep upset and intoxication often reveal the worst sides of personality.
- Aggression under anesthesia is a negative side effect and does not mean the person is aggressive.
one person who lived it
Treat marriage as an active effort requiring daily decisions and maintenance.
Like a car, it requires fuel, parts replacement, and a careful driver to avoid crashing.
one person who lived it
Explicitly state when monthly spending limits are reached to help a partner with low impulse control manage their hobby expenses.
One partner expressed that hearing 'we spent enough already' helped them control spending, despite the other partner feeling controlling.
- The partner setting the boundary may feel like they are controlling purchases.
one person who lived it
Be upfront with your partner about your past issues and acknowledge how you have behaved in the past.
Acknowledging these issues is powerful.
one person who lived it
Avoid complaining exclusively about your partner to friends and family.
They will only hear the negative aspects, which can cause loved ones to resent your partner for their mistakes.
one person who lived it
Make ring selection a collaborative decision involving finances and aesthetics rather than following arbitrary spending rules.
Rules like spending three months' salary are absurd.
one person who lived it
Listen to women about what they need in a relationship rather than relying on advice from other men.
Women often state they value simple, meaningful attention consistently over big gestures.
one person who lived it
Write daily notes about your feelings and your partner's behavior to compare progress over time.
Comparing notes from months later reveals significant changes.
one person who lived it
Approach marriage as collaboration toward shared goals rather than compromise.
Constant compromise means no one gets what they want, whereas collaboration works toward a common aim.
one person who lived it
Interpret complaints about doing too much or requests to stop activities as a desire for more time and attention together.
The underlying message is often a request for connection rather than criticism of activity.
one person who lived it
Examine your spending habits to see if you are mistakenly treating non-essential items as critical expenses.
Many people overspend on groceries due to this tunnel vision.
one person who lived it
Demonstrate your personal growth through concrete actions rather than just verbal assurances.
Words without action are meaningless; action and change serve as the sincerest apology.
one person who lived it
Adopt a 'bias for action' mindset where any choice is acceptable for trivial decisions to avoid inertia.
Inertia is the enemy; making a choice is enough even if the specific option doesn't matter.
one person who lived it
Make changes for yourself and the betterment of the family to ensure sustainability.
Doing something daily can become repetitive and disliked; mixing small gestures helps keep it sustainable.
one person who lived it
Watch educational content on marriage communication together to improve appreciation and reduce conflict.
It may address a lack of appreciation or 'thank yous' in the relationship.
one person who lived it
Apologize by taking responsibility for your actions rather than making excuses or apologizing for your partner's feelings.
Saying 'I'm sorry you feel that way' is powerless and does not accept responsibility.
one person who lived it
Forgive genuinely without holding grudges to create peace in your relationship.
2 people, independently
Avoid buying diamonds as an investment.
Their resale value plummets.
one person who lived it
Avoid handing physical checks or gift cards at unguarded wedding reception tables.
Envelopes are prone to being stolen or lost in such situations.
one person who lived it
Offer menial labor to store owners in exchange for items you want, as they may prefer this over hiring a professional or a temporary employee.
Store owners may prefer trading items for menial labor rather than paying professionals $50/hour or hiring temp employees.
one person who lived it
Choose lab-created diamonds or moissanite instead of mined diamonds.
Synthetic diamonds avoid supporting a monopoly with harmful advertising; moissanite is cheaper, similarly shiny, and often mistaken for diamond by jewelers.
2 people, independently
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Review local jewelers' websites before visiting in person to judge their inventory and skill level.
It prevents wasting time in person.
one person who lived it