Mindset
None of this is expert advice. It's what people worked out for themselves, usually the hard way — what actually helped, and what they'd tell someone standing where you are. Take what fits and leave the rest.
If you only read a few
Live, learn, grow, and mature rather than actively seeking love.
Love always comes when you are not looking for it.
one person who lived it
Use positive affirmations such as 'I am worthy of having good friends' to shift your mindset.
Changing your mindset helps you attract genuine people.
- It may sound like bullshit at first.
one person who lived it
Be happy for others rather than feeling bitter.
This may help you find what you want as well.
one person who lived it
Accept that there is no instant fix for connection; keep a state of constant alertness and openness, accepting the time, effort, and risk involved.
Rare connections are worth the time, effort, and risk.
one person who lived it
Accept that high school social circles often change completely and view college as a fresh start.
Most people in college are starting over, making it a good place to build a new social circle.
one person who lived it
Do not believe you are owed sex due to frustration; handle it privately and move on with productive activities.
Life does not work like that.
one person who lived it
Face potential rejection rather than living with uncertainty, as knowing the truth allows you to move on instead of wasting attention on false hope.
Living with uncertainty is preferable to a dead truth for some, but facing rejection prevents wasting attention on someone who won't reciprocate.
- One perspective suggests that living with uncertainty and hope is better than knowing certainly that it will never happen.
one person who lived it
Remind yourself that a judgment about someone or something is just your opinion and that you are free to change it.
Retaining the opinion changes nothing, whereas changing it constitutes learning through self-reflection.
one person who lived it
Send the morning or afternoon text without worrying about looking desperate; if it puts them off, they are not worth dating.
Sending the message reveals reality quickly.
one person who lived it
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Treat online teasing or being called 'silly' as a test of your reaction rather than an attack; respond with humor, playfulness, or flirtation instead of aggression.
You can gain points by showing you can handle banter without getting upset.
one person who lived it
Reframe women as equal human beings with mundane habits and flaws, such as imagining them performing bodily functions or viewing them as family members.
They are just like men, with similar good and bad qualities.
2 people, independently
Recognize that marriage is a legal document that does not dictate or change how a partner treats you.
one person who lived it
- Accept that there is no guarantee of permanence in any relationship, including marriage.1
If you hesitate to ask someone out, recall that starting the action often eliminates the initial discomfort.
Once you begin the effort, you tend to forget the comfort of inaction.
one person who lived it
Focus on the benefits of being single, such as freedom from negotiation and having more money.
Relationships involve baggage and decision-making compromises, whereas single life can be freeing.
one person who lived it
Avoid idolizing people indiscriminately.
Some people are not good, and doing so leads to disappointment when reality fails to meet the fantasy.
one person who lived it
Stop analyzing whether you 'fucked up' when someone loses interest; instead, explore new relationships.
Unless you did something extreme, you likely could not have done anything differently; the hint is that they are bored or moving on.
one person who lived it
Recognize that emotional connection, humor, kindness, and passion for life can be more compelling than physical appearance, as attraction often grows after noticing these traits.
One person fell in love with their fiancé's character first, which then made his physical features appear attractive.
one person who lived it
Accept that inconvenience is the price you pay for community.
one person who lived it
Stop making a relationship your primary goal and instead focus on living well regardless of your status.
Actively searching can prevent serendipitous connections; letting go allows relationships to happen naturally when they are meant to.
2 people, independently
Recognize that despising women may be a defense mechanism masking your own inadequacies and sense of entitlement, which hinders your likability, while being aware that many women can detect this resentment.
Hating women is easier than changing oneself, but it protects against facing inadequacies that actually prevent likability; additionally, women often perceive when men feel owed a relationship.
one person who lived it
Lower your expectations of others' time commitments to reduce feelings of rudeness and upset.
You only feel something is rude when an unmet expectation exists; lowering expectations reduces upset.
one person who lived it
Treat love as an action and commitment rather than relying solely on fleeting feelings, which are unstable and ephemeral.
one person who lived it
Stop assuming you will remain single indefinitely, as this mindset can become a self-fulfilling prophecy.
3 people, independently
Stop idealizing women by viewing them as imperfect humans on your level, which requires stopping the habit of devaluing yourself.
one person who lived it
View waiting for intimacy as stewardship of the forgiveness given, not an altruistic gesture.
one person who lived it
Stop generalizing women as inherently sweet or maternal; view them as complex humans instead.
one person who lived it