Workplace
None of this is expert advice. It's what people worked out for themselves, usually the hard way — what actually helped, and what they'd tell someone standing where you are. Take what fits and leave the rest.
If you only read a few
Avoid talking shit about other people.
There is a 100% chance they will talk shit about you behind your back.
one person who lived it
Build friendships beyond your job and view employment solely as a source of income.
Expecting colleagues to be close friends is often unrealistic.
3 people, independently
Document every incident of misconduct and get everything possible in writing to create an undeniable record of behavior.
So that if anything happens again, it is clear what is going on and you have evidence to back claims.
3 people, independently
Document all interactions thoroughly because no one else will cover your back.
No one else will cover your back.
one person who lived it
Keep being friendly and patient, understanding that trust takes time to build with newer people.
Existing groups may exclude newcomers because they are unsure if they can trust them yet.
one person who lived it
coworkers, people, avoid, talk23
Restrict comments about supervisors or peers to things you would be comfortable stating directly to them.
If a coworker lingers at your desk, get up and walk them to their own workspace to end the conversation.
They will instinctively sit down when they reach their own desk, allowing you to sever the conversation.
one person who lived it
Test whether the issue lies with the coworkers or your own manner by attempting to converse with the most receptive person; if they still do not engage, it is a negative sign.
This helps determine if the problem is that the people are terrible or if something in your manner is putting them off.
one person who lived it
View reality as a spectrum rather than in black-and-white terms to see it more clearly and gain insight.
one person who lived it
Control your emotions and set the tone during conflicts by being consistent and leading by example, regardless of the other party's reactions.
You control your own emotions and can lead by example.
one person who lived it
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For a flaky colleague, match their energy by not replying.
It is not confrontational but subtly hints at the issue.
one person who lived it
Clarify with a coworker that saying 'please' is not required when asking them to perform their job duties, and state that their comments about manners were rude and inappropriate.
Their behavior is described as a power game.
one person who lived it
Avoid using your phone during social gatherings or break times.
It kills the mood and may cause others to perceive you as rude or uninterested.
one person who lived it
Initiate conversations to signal that it is acceptable for others to engage with you.
Quietness can make others feel weird engaging; starting a conversation teaches people it's okay to start one.
one person who lived it
Initiate low-stakes conversations with coworkers using content-free topics like the weather or the day of the week.
They require only a grunt or nod to respond.
one person who lived it
Discourage gossip by playing devil's advocate or stating you haven't noticed the issue.
Gossipers get bored when their talk hits a wall.
one person who lived it
- If you are drawn into gossip, respond with neutral phrases like 'interesting' or 'wow' without confirming or denying, then immediately change the subject to avoid encouraging further talk.1
Limit information shared with gossip-prone coworkers and establish email trails for discussions.
Some people warp information to management and prey on being 'in the know'.
one person who lived it
Do not bring proof to disprove a colleague's rude correction in casual conversation.
You may look insecure, create awkwardness, or cause them to double down with excuses like photoshopping.
one person who lived it
Avoid oversharing personal struggles with coworkers to maintain privacy, as they are not friends and gossip can reach security or worsen your situation.
Coworkers are not friends, do not owe them personal conversations, and gossip could make its way to security making you worse off.
one person who lived it
Smile at coworkers, even slightly, to signal shyness rather than a bad attitude.
It dissolves the perception that you have an attitude.
one person who lived it
Withhold information from coworkers that you would not want widely known or repeated by others.
3 people, independently
Respond to hostile coworkers with excessive friendliness in front of others to prevent them from playing the victim, while withholding personal information.
Witnesses seeing your kindness prevents them from claiming victimhood; withholding secrets prevents them from using info against you.
one person who lived it
Stop gossiping and stay silent when others speak negatively about colleagues; one person reported this changed their life for the better tenfold.
one person who lived it
When someone vents negatively about others to you, ask them what they say about you behind your back and then walk away.
one person who lived it
Avoid interrupting coworkers when they are speaking.
People hate being interrupted.
one person who lived it
Let go of minor disagreements where proving you are right offers no real benefit.
The behavior often reflects the other person's attempt to establish dominance rather than genuine belief, revealing their character instead of yours.
one person who lived it
Consistently greet coworkers and keep a generally friendly demeanor.
Their responses will grow over time.
one person who lived it
Restrict comments about supervisors or peers to things you would be comfortable stating directly to them.
4 people, independently
friends, exclusion, coworkers, exclude20
Keep a cordial but professional distance with coworkers; avoid treating them as close personal friends.
Accept that coworkers likely view the relationship as acquaintance-level because they prefer to spend their limited free time with family, outside friends, or alone.
They want to recuperate or be with personal connections during their downtime.
one person who lived it
Ask coworkers directly where they are going when you see them leaving together to clarify if you are invited.
Coworkers often assume you do not want to join and fail to ask, which is rude but common.
one person who lived it
Do not call out coworkers for exclusion tactics.
It makes you look desperate and forces them to reveal what they dislike about you, asking for trouble.
one person who lived it
Invest energy in finding friends outside of work instead of trying to force connections with coworkers.
You cannot choose your coworkers.
2 people, independently
14 more on this
If coworkers exclude you because you are not friends, either actively befriend them or withdraw from trying to socialize with them.
Exclusion occurs because you are not friends with them.
one person who lived it
- Consider that a coworker might exclude you to prevent you from feeling out of place or overshadowing their close friends.1
Keep a cordial but professional distance with coworkers; avoid treating them as close personal friends.
- Coworkers can feel like friends, but there will always be someone ready to stab you in the back.
8 people, independently
- Reframe work social gatherings as work obligations rather than opportunities for friendship.1
Consider that coworkers may exclude you because they assume you are uninterested or have your own life, rather than disliking you.
They may perceive you as being 'beyond' them or having a separate social life.
one person who lived it
Interpret exclusion as a desire for a specific group with shared history rather than a rejection of you.
The event may be planned around a small circle that you have not yet been integrated into.
one person who lived it
Ask one person privately if you can join future group activities rather than leading with feelings of exclusion.
Leading with 'I feel left out' creates awkwardness.
one person who lived it
Initiate social interactions by greeting coworkers first or inviting them to events rather than waiting to be included.
Those who initiate conversations are often the most popular.
3 people, independently
Let go of exclusion from events organized by departing colleagues, recognizing it was about their need to vent rather than a reflection on you.
They may have wanted to gather to vent without interacting with those who still have jobs.
one person who lived it
Take genuine interest in other people to build friendships and receive invitations.
Taking interest in others is necessary to make friends and get invited to places.
one person who lived it
Stay in group chats but engage far less often rather than leaving abruptly, which can be seen as rejecting others.
Leaving the chat is perceived as rejection rather than acceptance.
one person who lived it
Book your own trip separately if others have already done so while you were away.
There is no exclusion happening if they booked separately while you were gone.
one person who lived it
Interpret intermittent flirting from a coworker who ignores personal texts as attention-seeking behavior or boredom rather than genuine romantic interest.
They may be trying to get you to do things for them at work by flirting when required.
one person who lived it
Initiate casual greetings to gauge reaction and ensure the rejected coworker does not feel avoided or punished.
To prevent them from thinking you are avoiding them or creeped out.
one person who lived it
Keep conversations with coworkers low-stakes and avoid making romantic moves to potentially build a friendship instead.
Low-stakes interaction can serve as an opening for friendship.
one person who lived it
If you suspect intentional exclusion, stop planning activities with those coworkers but remain friendly to maintain professional dignity.
It preserves self-respect while maintaining professionalism.
one person who lived it
document, boss, recognize, difficult21
Record details of each incident where a coworker bosses you around or is mean, including date, time, location, and specific words used.
Decline emergency calls to cover shifts unless you desperately need the money.
Your time is valuable.
- Only decline if you do not need the money.
one person who lived it
Document all conversations and build a case against a difficult boss, potentially consulting a lawyer or using a voice recorder if legal in your state.
Documentation can catch leaders in missteps or lies.
- Check that you are in a one-party consent state before recording.
one person who lived it
- Document every interaction with a problematic boss by keeping copies of emails and sending follow-up emails summarizing phone or in-person conversations.1
Warn new employees about difficult bosses carefully, as the warning itself may be reported back to the boss.
Bosses may take warnings personally and fire the person who gave them.
one person who lived it
Keep a detailed written log or journal of work events and conversations.
Detailed records can protect you against false accusations or blame.
one person who lived it
16 more on this
Avoid taking breaks back-to-back, especially as a new employee, because it appears suspicious.
It looks suspicious, especially when you're the new employee.
one person who lived it
Consider switching jobs to secure a decent wage increase, as internal raises often fall short.
Internal raises often fail to cover inflation or provide a decent increase.
one person who lived it
Recognize that anonymous surveys may not be truly anonymous in small departments.
In very small departments, stating your department and years of service can be a dead giveaway.
one person who lived it
Be cautious about discussing salary raises or job searches with coworkers, as this information can lead to termination.
Coworkers may report such discussions to management out of self-interest.
2 people, independently
Decline job offers from companies that expect you to answer work calls during vacation.
one person who lived it
Be cautious of overly friendly coworkers who may report your actions to management or sabotage projects for personal gain.
Some people use deception and reporting others to managers to secure promotions.
one person who lived it
Recognize that HR represents the company's interests, not yours.
one person who lived it
Record details of each incident where a coworker bosses you around or is mean, including date, time, location, and specific words used.
4 people, independently
Allow younger generations with fresh education to teach older people about rapidly changing software and fields.
New software changes fields completely every year.
one person who lived it
Request clarification from upper management regarding protocol discrepancies to resolve confusion about the chain of command.
To avoid further confusion.
one person who lived it
Stay professional and civil while actively gathering contacts and resources for future opportunities.
Preparation is necessary in case of unexpected layoffs or other workplace instability.
one person who lived it
Quit jobs where the culture requires walking on eggshells, where honest feedback is met with retaliation, or where people hate receiving constructive feedback.
one person who lived it
Add your manager to email chains involving third-party colleagues to ensure visibility and oversight.
It is important for oversight when communicating with people not on your direct team.
one person who lived it
Make copies of all important documents and evidence.
Paperwork can be lost by superiors, requiring resubmission.
one person who lived it
Recognize that managing an employee's feelings and behavior is the responsibility of the individual and their boss, not you.
one person who lived it
Ask your manager to clarify reporting lines and task delegation when a peer oversteps authority.
one person who lived it