Approachability
None of this is expert advice. It's what people worked out for themselves, usually the hard way — what actually helped, and what they'd tell someone standing where you are. Take what fits and leave the rest.
If you only read a few
Treat everyone as if you already know them and are friends.
Many people are open to friendly, casual conversation when approached this way.
- You can't win em all
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- Say 'hi' or ask how people are doing when passing them to appear more approachable.1
- Greet people with simple phrases like 'hi' or 'hey guys' without initiating full conversations.1
Start interactions with a welcoming facial expression or slight smile to signal you are approachable.
It signals that you are a friend rather than a foe and prevents people from assuming you dislike them.
- Some individuals cannot smile due to facial conditions.
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- Wear a relaxed or slightly goofy smile to appear welcoming, especially if you have a naturally cold expression.1
Avoid looking at people with hatred or a scowl, even if your mind is elsewhere, so they feel welcome to approach you.
If you look like you hate the world, you cannot expect people to approach you.
- Men are notorious for scowling when their mind is just elsewhere.
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Take the initiative to approach others rather than waiting to be approached.
Others may be too terrified to approach you, and taking charge allows you to choose who you converse with.
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Pretend you have known the person for a while to display warmth.
Convincing yourself they are a close friend changes the warmth you display.
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Be proactive in social interactions by engaging with people and asking them to hang out.
Jingle keys or whistle when walking at night to alert others of your presence.
It lets others know you are there.
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Keep approaching people even if they do not engage with you.
Their lack of engagement may not reflect on you, and stopping might cause you to miss out on finding your people.
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Pose questions and steer the dialogue toward the other individual.
People enjoy discussing their own lives.
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Say hi or good morning to everyone you walk past to initiate friendly contact.
Saying hello can go a long way.
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Try to be silly and funny rather than forcing a serious demeanor.
It is endearing, makes you seem more real, and avoids the risk of messing up by trying too hard to be cold or serious.
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Do not correct people on facts during casual conversation, as it can sound condescending rather than helpful.
Correcting facts often sounds like 'I think you're stupid' to most people, even if intended as sharing knowledge.
- This is based on one person's experience as an autistic individual who learned this late in life.
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Stop caring what others think of you, try starting conversations, and be nice to people.
Overthinking such matters makes it worse, while this approach improves social standing.
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If you make accidental eye contact with someone, force a brief smile and look away.
It comes off as friendlier.
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- Hold eye contact for about two seconds, blink naturally, smile slightly, and then look away slowly.1
Accept that being initially standoffish or shy is valid.
There is nothing wrong with it.
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Paraphrase what the other person has said.
This makes people feel understood.
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Focus on your own feelings and safety while practicing social skills through trial and error.
Reminding yourself that you are still safe helps manage the process.
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Embrace being perceived as reserved or chill rather than trying to force extroversion, recognizing it is a valid personality trait.
There are worse things to be.
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Keep your phone away and greet people to appear more approachable.
Greeting people is normal behavior where I grew up.
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Put your phone away and avoid holding it to signal that you are available for interaction.
Holding a phone is considered a strong 'do not approach' signal.
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Check your body language for signs of insecurity, frowning, or closing off.
Others will project their discomfort onto you based on what they see.
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Remove earphones or headphones in public to signal that you are open to being greeted.
Wearing them signals a desire not to talk and creates a barrier for others who want to say hello.
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Ask shy people directly if they want to talk or if you should leave them alone.
One person reported feeling extremely relieved and happy by this direct question, regardless of the answer.
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Give a compliment if you are stuck in a conversation.
It will help move the interaction forward.
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Offer a smile from time to time, even when alone.
Projecting positivity increases approachability; one user noted being noticed most while absorbed in their own thoughts and smiling inwardly.
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Avoid using sophisticated words or specialist concepts, as people do not speak like textbooks.
People don't talk like a textbook.
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Watch the TED Talk '10 Ways to Have a Better Conversation' to learn how focusing on the other person makes you seem warmer.
focusing on the other person will make you seem warmer
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Be proactive in social interactions by engaging with people and asking them to hang out.
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- Force yourself through social situations regularly.1
Approach people directly despite assumptions about their body language, acknowledging that this may cause discomfort.
Assumptions about non-verbal cues can be misleading.
- This approach can make you uncomfortable.
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Avoid touching strangers, such as holding hands, if you have not yet exchanged names, as it may be too forward.
It can be perceived as too forward and inappropriate without prior name exchange.
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Pay close attention and demonstrate interest in what others share.
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Focus on listening skills and paying attention rather than trying to become a chatterbox.
People become more interesting, and natural conversation topics emerge from that interest.
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Wear items with interesting details, such as unique shirts or tattoos.
It gives strangers something to work with.
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Mirror people's mannerisms and speech to get them comfortable around you.
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Adopt a warm attitude and belief internally, as it will reflect in your mannerisms.
It'll come across in your mannerisms
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Force yourself to keep a gentle, smiling expression until it becomes natural and flexible.
One person found that forcing this demeanor while tutoring led to more natural facial expressions over time.
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Accept the risk of rejection when approaching someone new, viewing a negative response as an indication of incompatibility rather than failure.
Avoiding interaction ensures the other person never knows you exist.
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Give compliments to men, as they rarely receive them and are likely to appreciate it.
Men rarely get complimented, so they react positively and it serves as a great conversation starter.
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Remind yourself to relax your shoulders.
Tension can make you appear unapproachable.
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Shift your mindset from wanting to appear nice to feeling genuinely excited or intrigued by the other person.
This creates beautiful, sincere facial gestures.
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Visualize yourself being approached to shift your internal vibe toward openness.
Anticipating that people will approach you makes you more approachable.
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Pair statements with appropriate non-verbal communication.
It usually works out well.
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Avoid initiating only serious, deep, or political conversations early on.
It may push people away because they feel pressured to vent rather than connect casually.
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After an initial opening, introduce yourself clearly by stating your name and why you are there.
Usually they will reciprocate.
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Study comedy writing techniques and practice adding humor to your personality.
Humor serves as a deflator and social lubricant.
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Develop hobbies and passionate interests to collect different mindsets and topics for conversation.
People respond positively when you talk passionately about your interests, and relying on one mindset isn't appropriate everywhere.
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If you have an unassuming appearance that causes people to underestimate you, use that lack of seriousness to your advantage by saying something interesting to surprise them and initiate social interactions.
Surprising people with interesting content is an effective way to kick off social interactions when they don't take you seriously initially.
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Look for workplaces where employees behave similarly to your natural energy level instead of high-energy environments.
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To build friendship, show genuine interest by paying attention; if someone seems down, reach out and express concern, and reply positively or ask questions when they post social media updates.
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Display bubbly, chipper energy and heavily tone positive emotion if the employer expects that style of friendly service.
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Listen to the podcast 'Shrink for the Shy Guy' by Aziz Gazipura for valuable free content on social confidence.
It contains valuable free content.
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Ask trusted friends for feedback to improve self-awareness regarding your social presence.
to improve self-awareness
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Read about and practice pro-social behavior.
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Read the book by Aziz Gazipura titled 'Not Nice' and treat it like a course by doing the exercises chapter by chapter to build social confidence.
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Read the Steve Pavlina blog for quality self-improvement content.
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