Assertiveness
None of this is expert advice. It's what people worked out for themselves, usually the hard way — what actually helped, and what they'd tell someone standing where you are. Take what fits and leave the rest.
If you only read a few
Remind yourself that others are focused on their own thoughts and likely do not consider your actions a big deal.
Everyone else is in their head just as much as you are.
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Pause for two seconds before replying to someone.
It gives time to reconsider and emphasizes that you have thought about what you are saying.
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Refuse to agree to requests in the moment by saying you need to check your budget, calendar, or capacity and will get back to them later.
It helps if you normally realize what is going on later; it gets easier with practice even if conflict is hard at first.
- Hard if you aren't used to conflict
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Send a direct text stating exactly what is owed or reminding them not to forget.
It is clear and not considered rude by the recipient.
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Remind yourself that you have a right to the service you paid for.
This thought process helps keep a polite but firm tone when requesting items like sauce.
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Explicitly communicate your boundaries because people cannot know them without being told.
Talk slower and react slower during interactions.
Talking too fast when nervous can cause your brain to not keep up.
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Stop scrutinizing what others think of you and instead consider that they are projecting their own views.
People use others as mirrors to see themselves.
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Look around for chores or work tasks to do before being asked.
Choosing to act yourself makes the tasks easier and applies to both home and work contexts.
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Change the company you keep to find a kinder cohort, since you cannot change other people.
You can only change yourself and the people you associate with.
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If you are unsure what to do, take action; if the result is unpleasant, treat it as data on what to avoid in the future.
It provides knowledge of what not to do again.
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Laugh and ask why someone wants to know your age, forcing them to justify their curiosity.
It makes the asker look like a nosy fool if they have to defend the question.
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Treat yourself like someone you love by prioritizing your needs equally with others' rather than discarding them.
Putting others first puts yourself last and discards your needs.
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Treat others as you wish to be treated to avoid pushing them around while standing your ground.
You likely do not like being pushed around, so do not push others around.
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Remove the person from your comment by stating facts about the situation instead of accusing them.
Stating facts (e.g., 'my order is fucked up') is less accusatory than blaming the person (e.g., 'You fucked up').
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Speak up when mistreated to prevent others from targeting you.
People tend to pick those who ignore mistreatment rather than those who respond.
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Stay calm when others are losing their composure.
Being calm is powerful in these situations.
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Refuse to perform further favors for someone until they repay money they owe you.
It prevents people from walking all over you.
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Address service workers with 'please' rather than 'you', assuming they want to help since it is their job.
They get paid to help you.
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Let mean comments slide by recognizing they reflect the speaker's unhappiness rather than your worth.
Happy people do not treat others that way.
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Explicitly communicate your boundaries because people cannot know them without being told.
There is no natural flag indicating boundaries, so others do not know them unless you speak up.
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Learn to say no to avoid becoming the 'nice guy' who is taken advantage of repeatedly.
Repeatedly doing nice things leads to being labeled as someone who will always do the thing.
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Block people who do not respect your stated boundaries.
They have demonstrated their true feelings or character toward you.
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Continue speaking without reaction if someone talks over you.
They will usually stop.
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If someone continues acting poorly after being asked to stop, give them the cold shoulder.
Ignoring them may deflate their ego.
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Make fun of yourself or tell quick embarrassing stories to appear candid.
People like when you are candid.
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Avoid dating people who are vulgar, mean, or only interested in sex.
People may go to extraordinary lengths to get sex but become cold afterward.
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Accept that feeling weird after stepping out of your comfort zone is normal.
It is one of your brain's strategies to save energy.
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Stop people-pleasing by listening to and prioritizing your internal needs over external demands.
People-pleasing stems from ignoring one's own needs to remain available to others.
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Adopt a Stoic approach by focusing on conducting yourself respectfully, since you cannot control others' actions or your own emotions.
You cannot control other people's actions or your own emotions, but you can do your best to conduct yourself in a respectable manner.
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Ask rude commenters why they made the remark and press for a reason until they feel uncomfortable or provide feedback.
They may regret the comment or offer valuable hints on improving your outside perception.
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Ask ignorant people to elaborate on their nonsense to force them to dig a hole for themselves or back down.
Pretending interest forces those with baseless opinions to expose their flaws or retreat.
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State your intentions and needs clearly while accommodating others only within your boundaries.
Stop caring so much about what other people think.
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Ask manipulative people to rephrase subtle insults by asking what they mean.
They usually cannot explain hidden insults.
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Be comfortable with silence and avoid apologizing unless there is a genuine reason to do so.
An apology is an admission of guilt.
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Make sure you are not the person judging yourself poorly, regardless of how others judge you.
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Perform unsolicited acts of kindness, such as offering help or buying a meal, to decouple your identity from merely complying with requests.
This ensures your identity as a nice person isn't tied just to doing what's asked.
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Recognize that not everyone is an intellectual equal willing to change their mind, so some debates are not worth having.
Some people have single-layered arguments, haven't thought through how to accomplish their suggestions, or take offense at having their ideas questioned.
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Enforce trash disposal boundaries by removing misplaced items and returning them with a clear statement that they must take care of their own trash.
Some people are not circumspect and will not notice boundary violations unless given direct feedback.
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Show your real self without masks to make genuine connections, accepting that this will polarize people so some will like you more and others will dislike you more.
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Stop judging yourself and put yourself out there even when it feels uncomfortable.
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Thank people for waiting instead of apologizing for being late.
Being less apologetic makes it easier to maintain boundaries.
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Make decisive choices focused on completing the job rather than trying to keep everyone happy, while remaining calm and respectful.
Realizing that making everyone happy is not your job helps change your attitude toward others.
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If interrupted, ask the person to hold off for a few seconds so you can finish your point, then quickly rejoin the conversation.
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Express how specific comments make you feel rather than criticizing the comment itself.
This approach is usually more effective than criticism.
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If you ignored someone due to stress and they ask about it, explain that you were under pressure and not in the mood for conversation, then resume normal interaction.
Explaining your state helps them understand what happened.
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Stand straight, breathe naturally, and use a slight smirk to appear unbothered.
Many people hold their breath without realizing it; this combination projects calmness.
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Respond to unsolicited comments about looking tired with a polite deflection like 'thanks, you too'.
It confuses the commenter and shuts them down quickly.
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Use 'No' as a complete sentence without qualifiers or apologies.
Qualifiers are unnecessary and apologizing for boundaries is not required.
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Replace saying 'sorry' with 'thank you' as often as possible in social interactions.
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Practice saying 'no' regularly, even when it feels uncomfortable, and mean it without being swayed.
If you can be brave enough, use straight talk like 'please can you not?' to stand up to bullies.
They may be taken aback by straight talk.
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Internalize that you can walk away at any time, set hard personal boundaries, and enforce them by walking away when they are crossed.
You must be assertive to yourself before being assertive to anyone else.
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One approach that helped: join a martial arts class to improve posture and confidence, which may lead to greater respect from others.
It improved body posture and confidence, leading to feeling more respected due to how one carries oneself.
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Use phrases like 'that doesn't work for me', 'I don't think I can do that', or 'I'm not comfortable doing that' instead of saying 'no'.
Saying 'no' directly can be difficult.
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- Practice saying 'no' regularly, even when it feels uncomfortable, and mean it without being swayed.15
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Listen to the podcast episode featuring Chris Voss and James Altucher on negotiation.
One person reported saving money on a house purchase after listening.
- Based on one friend's experience.
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Eliminate empty words like 'like' and 'um' from your speech to convey strength and competence.
Using them can convey weakness.
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Read 'Nice Girl Syndrome' if you struggle with people-pleasing issues.
One person reported it helped them tremendously with this exact issue.
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When starting to be assertive, do not let the fear of seeming rude hold you back; apologize later if you realize you were unnecessarily harsh.
Worrying about rudeness in the moment hinders progress.
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Adopt a decisive attitude when confronting bullies to signal that you are not an easy target, which often commands respect rather than fear.
Bullies dislike hard prey; showing you will stand for yourself signals you are not taking their behavior and commands respect.
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Define your personal likes and dislikes to establish integrity and stay true to yourself rather than conforming.
It helps you become more assertive as you get to know yourself better.
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Try acting assertively a few times before looking up methods, so you identify your specific problems and solve them rather than trying to mold yourself to a best method.
This prevents you from feeling like you are forcing yourself into a specific method.
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Create firm boundaries, be confident in your decisions, and say no to those who try to take advantage of your kindness.
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Set boundaries with family and coworkers to become more assertive.
This helped one person become more assertive.
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Cultivate indifference to defuse attempts at manipulation, which builds respect and becomes a reflex.
Calmly defusing manipulation gains new skills and commands respect from others.
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Deliberately practice entering unknown situations to gain experience and reduce fear of the unknown.
More practice leads to more experience, which leads to more confidence.
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Listen to the audiobook 'Never Split the Difference' by Chris Voss.
Described as a significant improvement in approach.
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Learn the difference between assertive and aggressive communication to establish respected boundaries rather than causing dislike through disrespect.
Assertiveness establishes boundaries that people respect, while aggression makes people dislike you.
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Read 'Nice Girl Syndrome' by Beverly Engel to address conditioning toward excessive politeness.
Women are often conditioned more to be 'nice'.
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Work in security or regularly deal with confrontational people to build confidence in discerning unreasonable behavior.
Frequent exposure to belligerence helps you become confident in your own reasonableness.
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Read books on assertiveness, such as 'Assertiveness Workbook' or 'The Courage to Be Disliked', to build confidence.
Reading related topics might help.
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Look into Nonviolent Communication to improve assertiveness.
Others have had miraculous results implementing it.
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State that you will shop elsewhere if the price cannot be lowered.
A sales instructor notes this tactic works.
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Push back immediately if a transaction amount or item size seems incorrect rather than accepting it passively.
It can result in corrected math or receiving the correct portion size.
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Flip your default response from 'yes' to 'no'; say no unless there is a good motivation or personal preference to say yes.
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Recognize sales tactics like manufactured scarcity or social proof lines in real time to separate what you actually want from what you are being pushed toward.
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Interrupt a rant by asking the other person to explain their point again.
It breaks up their momentum and prevents the rant from starting.
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Lower your volume slightly on the last two words of a sentence.
It is effective.
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Do not take rudeness personally, as arguing rarely helps such people see logic.
Most people who act this way are simply difficult, and arguments do not help them see logic.
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Recognize that men may avoid confrontation due to fear of physical escalation, whereas women may feel protected from violence.
Standing up to a man can escalate into violence for men, but hitting a woman is widely known to be wrong.
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Vocalize your reasons for agreeing to practice speaking up.
It makes disagreeing out loud easier.
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If you struggle with aggressive dominance displays, try maintaining eye contact and not flinching; one person reported this made the aggressor uncomfortable and back down.
The aggressor becomes uncomfortable and backs down.
- One female user noted she doesn't know if this tactic works for everyone.
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State clearly and loudly that a comment was rude to spotlight the behavior without showing emotion.
It disarms the person because it is not aggressive but places direct focus on them.
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Practice expressing displeasure calmly about minor issues that don't bother you much to exercise your voice.
This creates distance from the event and gives you a chance to practice speaking up.
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Address issues early rather than letting them persist.
Delaying makes it awkward to stand up for yourself later and allows pressure, tension, and frustration to build.
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Memorize phrases that soften the blow of disagreement.
Subtle nuances in wording make a huge difference.
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Address irritations sooner rather than later to prevent resentment from building up.
Dwelling on problems too long affects your tone; rehearsing what to say helps manage this.
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Carry yourself casually and react with slight skepticism rather than pressuring yourself to form a perfect retort.
Slowing down delivery and not raising your voice helps.
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Prepare a generic response in advance, such as asking an insulter to explain their joke.
Asking for an explanation can make the situation uncomfortable for the insulter.
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Stay emotionally neutral and unreactive with straight posture, a clear voice, and direct eye contact.
It is usually not intentional disrespect but a nervous response.
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Speak in a calm voice using 'I' statements to express your feelings and needs while acknowledging the other person's intent.
A calm voice avoids evoking an emotional response, and 'I' statements frame sentences as assertions rather than requests.
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Avoid escalating conflicts with rude strangers to protect your safety and ego.
It is not worth proving who has the bigger ego or wasting effort on someone worthless to your personal life; avoiding escalation is not cowardice.
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Reframe confrontations from fights into collaborative problem-solving sessions aimed at finding a solution that satisfies everyone.
Finding a solution together helps heal hurt feelings.
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Use phrases with strong meaning instead of polite ones to ensure others realize the behavior is unacceptable.
Polite phrasing misses the goal of signaling that the behavior is unacceptable.
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Highlight an aggressor's actions without getting mad by asking them to repeat themselves and questioning if they intended to hurt you.
Highlighting bad behavior without retaliation makes it seem petty and shameful.
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Replay past arguments in your mind focusing on facts and logic to identify illogical assumptions or false arguments used by the other party.
This provides practice for enforcing logic in live conversations once you feel confident.
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Move confrontations to neutral ground.
To limit power imbalances.
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Walk away from situations that are not worth engaging in to reduce drama and prevent giving others material to paint you negatively.
It reduces word exchanges and limits opportunities for others to characterize you poorly.
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State things directly without softening your language to avoid giving the wrong impression.
Sugarcoating can cause misunderstandings about your intent or character.
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Correct others politely by focusing on spreading knowledge rather than personal feelings to make confrontation easier.
Focusing on spreading knowledge makes confrontation much easier to handle.
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Determine which battles are worth fighting by distinguishing between defending your ego and defending your pride.
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