Authenticity
None of this is expert advice. It's what people worked out for themselves, usually the hard way — what actually helped, and what they'd tell someone standing where you are. Take what fits and leave the rest.
If you only read a few
Stop trying to please people who do not accept who you really are.
They don't deserve your time.
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- Stop trying to please everyone and focus only on people who mean something to you.3
Be your true self and move on from people who cannot appreciate you, keeping only those who accept you close.
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Be yourself around older adults, provided you are not embarrassing or immature.
Don't try to be liked because people will take advantage of it.
- Don't try to be liked. People will take advantage of it.
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Lean into your quirky side if your friends accept it, as getting comfortable with your weirdness can make you feel more normal.
Most people enjoy hanging around a quirky person.
- Only if your friends do not have issues with it.
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Work on being true to yourself rather than acting differently to belong.
It is better to be true to yourself than to fake belonging.
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- Act authentically and be sincere with yourself rather than pretending to be someone you think people will like.10
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Visit venues where people with shared hobbies congregate to locate your community.
Accept that one-third of people will love you, one-third won't care, and one-third won't like you.
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Meet new people who talk about things you are interested in to find your true tribe.
You may just haven't found your true tribe yet.
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- Visit venues where people with shared hobbies congregate to locate your community.11
Leave social situations when you want to; do not stay just to appear outgoing.
Others can easily sense if you do not want to be there.
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Be genuinely chill and friendly instead of forcing it.
People can read if you aren't being genuine with them.
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Say what you feel instead of holding back; if it is awkward, remember there are many other chances.
You often have the same thoughts as others but hold yourself back.
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Share your immediate thoughts and feelings to break free from scripted reactions.
You may have long viewed your own opinions as defective, leading you to rely on external scripts rather than recognizing your true state.
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Show genuine interest and openness to get to know someone, avoiding fake personas.
People can detect when you are being fake or do not actually care about them.
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- Be honest and upfront without feigning interest or high energy, while taking a genuine interest in others.1
Stop feigning care and instead cultivate genuine caring from a deeper place of interest and warmth toward others.
Genuine care creates a positive vibe that helps people forgive social errors.
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Be yourself and connect with people who share your interests.
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- Seek out people on the same wavelength who engage in conversation styles that interest you, rather than forcing enjoyment of mundane topics.4
Aim simply to avoid offending people rather than trying to please them.
It is much easier.
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If you are a performative person who leans into emotional moments for social success, view this as a learned skill rather than a flaw.
You have learned that doing so makes things work.
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Don't try to be impressive; instead, be interested in others.
People hate when others try to be impressive.
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Test the genuineness of a vague social invitation by proposing a specific activity with a set time and place.
If they say yes or make time for it, you can assume they are being genuine.
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Join clubs or groups based on specific interests to find friends who share those interests and avoid gossip.
It is refreshing to have conversations with people that don't gossip.
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Know yourself, your values, and why you do or don't do things.
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- Get to know yourself and decide what kind of person you want to be.1
- Decide who you are yourself, recognizing that labels given by others do not define you.1
Get people to talk about themselves without spamming questions; one view is to pretend to care, while another dissenting view is to actually care or redirect the conversation to topics of interest.
Half of being social is perceived as giving a shit about others' lives.
- Some argue pretending to care is bullshit and prefer to actually care or direct the conversation elsewhere.
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Accept that everyone is making it up as they go using their best guess.
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Practice 'faking it' until the behavior becomes natural and no longer feels fake.
With practice, the behavior can become your style.
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Stop measuring yourself or others by superficial social metrics or the opinions of others.
At your deathbed, those with inferiority complexes will not shed a tear.
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Accept that there is no single 'real' self; view your different social masks as valid versions of you drawn out by specific environments.
Humans are multi-dimensional, and different situations reveal different sides.
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Be genuine in interactions and avoid playing a role or appearing fake.
Insincerity gives off a vibe that is highly irritating and hard to stand.
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Own your current situation honestly instead of faking success.
Faking it can backfire if you have to improvise, causing people to notice and view you as insecure and dishonest.
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Do not assume people are uninterested; give them the benefit of the doubt that they are socially or physically exhausted.
There are many things one genuinely wants to do but doesn't because of exhaustion.
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Tune into what specifically is weirding people out to learn how your behavior comes across.
Social settings are tools for learning about behaviors.
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Gradually peel away facades put on to fit in to discover who you want to be.
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Understand that masking true feelings with niceness is a common strategy people use to avoid social isolation.
Being exactly as you feel might instantly isolate you from others who are also trying to be nice.
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Recognize that being overly nice can be perceived as unnatural or uncomfortable because it signals you want something from the other person.
It makes people feel like you want something from them.
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Reframe others' social masks as necessary barriers for insecure people rather than signs of malice.
Many people are insecure and use masks to make a good impression or handle social interaction issues.
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Say exactly what you mean and refrain from speaking on autopilot to reduce the risk of saying something offensive.
People are less likely to make mistakes if they pause rather than letting their mouth run automatically.
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Do not try to act sophisticated; instead, be polite and demonstrate competence.
Trying to act sophisticated makes you come off as stuffy.
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Do not change your personality to impress others at social events; stay authentic so you can actually have fun.
Putting on a different persona prevents you from enjoying the time together.
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Act civilly toward people you do not vibe with to avoid pointless conflict and toxic environments.
It prevents creating a toxic environment and avoids pointless conflict.
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If you struggle with appearing too polite to form connections, go to places where no one knows you, such as a book club, and allow yourself to be awkward and make mistakes.
your reputation doesn't matter there, so it won't affect your life
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Be more authentic and less people-pleasing to reduce post-socialization bitterness.
being more authentic makes the aftertaste of meetups less bitter
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Embrace your 'dark side' by showing unhappiness, anger, or annoyance rather than always pleasing others.
This is described as part of what makes someone 'interesting'.
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View regulating emotions and engaging in conversation as goal-oriented efforts rather than being fake.
Doing something you don't enjoy to get something you do is focusing on your goals, not fakeness.
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Gradually reveal your true personality to new acquaintances to see if they accept you for who you are.
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- Bring the authenticity you show to people you are most comfortable with into broader social worlds.1
Reframe social interactions as a game with made-up rules to engage without fear.
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Keep ideas that might offend people to yourself unless you can convince them otherwise.
If ideas are disparaging enough to cause offense before being told, they should definitely be kept private.
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Be open about your true personality and opinions early in a relationship to filter out incompatible people.
It prevents the development of fake friendships that may end badly later.
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Personalize your goodbyes by linking them to something discussed earlier in the conversation, such as a career change.
One person reported this made the other person's face light up.
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Treat your persona as a tool for reducing social friction; if it causes exhaustion, change it to one that is comfortable.
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If you struggle with the effort of masking, schedule time alone to decompress and veg out after socializing.
One person reported needing this time to recover from social interactions.
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Tone down effusive compliments to avoid appearing fake or having an ulterior motive.
Many people are not used to such behavior and may suspect an ulterior motive.
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Reframe social politeness as a universal human behavior rather than a personal defect.
Most people adjust their persona to fit different contexts and norms to varying degrees.
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Base your identity on your principles rather than the standards of others.
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Replace people-pleasing with curiosity by asking questions about others' lives and sharing about yourself.
It creates more satisfying connections.
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Do not downplay your interests, passions, or integral parts of your identity just to be liked.
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Learn to act normal by moderating your emotional demeanor so it does not exceed the tone of the environment.
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Respect others' choices by responding positively and engaging actively when they share what they love, viewing this as a social skill rather than fakery.
It is an awesome social skill.
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Avoid fake smiling if it feels inauthentic.
practicing forced social techniques can fail and feel terrible
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Express your genuine feelings and observations in the moment instead of following a script or forcefully asking questions when uninterested.
Forcefully asking questions when uninterested creates an ingenuine interaction.
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Remove yourself from situations where you feel compelled to fake interest or behave inauthentically.
It prevents wasting energy.
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Embrace both authentic and performative social approaches to master adaptability.
Adaptability is more useful than being disruptive.
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Talk naturally even if it feels silly or uncomfortable rather than faking likability to build genuine confidence over time.
Initial discomfort gives way to comfort with yourself and increased confidence.
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Live for yourself, recognizing that everyone works differently.
- Everyone works differently.
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Stop worrying about popularity to be more authentic; this may lead others to idolize you.
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Wait for someone to mention a topic you are genuinely interested in before steering the conversation.
This allows you to express interest without expressing inauthentic thoughts or feelings.
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Smile and thank someone when receiving a gift, even if you dislike it.
Politeness dictates it; failing to accept with positive affect is considered unthankful in American culture.
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View behavioral adjustments as being adaptive and relevant to the situation, rather than phony.
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Be genuinely nice by changing your perspective and behavior holistically, rather than faking niceness to elicit a specific response.
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Consider saying nothing at all as a valid option in social interactions.
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Adapt your communication style to the context (such as a funeral versus a bachelor party) and view this adjustment as reasonable rather than fake.
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Acknowledge jokes with a slight smile and a verbal 'hah' without laughing if you do not find them funny.
It acknowledges the joke was told and shows you see how someone else might find it funny.
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Report coworkers who make inappropriate sexual, racial, or homophobic jokes to management.
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Find joy in discovering someone's story.
Other peoples' stories can serve as a source of inspiration or help with creative work.
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Open up emotionally to become closer to people in your life.
One person found that becoming emotionally open and authentic made their relationships much closer.
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Increase your sense of fullness by helping others, expressing appreciation, remembering birthdays, and giving meaningful gifts.
Making others feel fuller makes you feel fuller.
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