Saying no
None of this is expert advice. It's what people worked out for themselves, usually the hard way — what actually helped, and what they'd tell someone standing where you are. Take what fits and leave the rest.
If you only read a few
Find your own sense of worth rather than depending on outside praise.
You might be putting others first because you place more value on their approval than your own.
3 people, independently
When turning down an invitation, you are not required to offer a reason or justification.
People tend to judge if your reason is enough, and giving one allows them to push back.
19 people, independently
- Accept that you do not need to provide a reason for saying no.1
- Say no courteously; you do not need to justify your refusal.4
- When pressed for reasons to decline, state that it simply won't work for you and refuse to provide further justification.4
When told to smile more, challenge the person by asking them to share a funny joke.
It puts them on the spot and makes them feel awkward.
3 people, independently
Trust your gut instinct if someone feels creepy and avoid them.
Your first thought is often right; it is better to be safe than sorry.
3 people, independently
Read 'When I Say No, I Feel Guilty' by Manuel J. Smith to address guilt associated with setting boundaries.
It covers this topic well.
5 people, independently
- Read the book 'When I Say No I Feel Guilty' for advice on this topic.2
people, nice, people-pleasing, stop77
Accept that you do not need to be everyone's favorite person.
Cut ties with toxic people who take advantage of your kindness.
5 people, independently
- Match the effort others show you; be selective with your time and attention by not helping those who do not return the favor.4
- Do not expect kindness to be reciprocated; accept that some people will not be kind back.1
- Stand up for yourself to push away incompatible people and attract compatible ones.1
Focus on your own well-being over others' feelings when saying no.
4 people, independently
- Remind yourself that agreeing to help others should not come at the cost of your own well-being.3
- Choose yourself over others in decisions; remain considerate but do not sacrifice your well-being to keep others comfortable.1
Avoid covert contracts where you expect silent reciprocation for nice things; help others because you genuinely want to, expecting nothing back.
This is unhealthy.
3 people, independently
Distinguish between being 'nice' (superficial, self-serving social compliance) and being 'kind' (genuine intention rooted in caring).
Niceness can be interpreted as mere compliance or weakness used to undermine kindness; kindness is for your soul while niceness is for your ego.
4 people, independently
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Investigate your earliest childhood memories to identify when you learned to deny your needs or keep peace, which likely caused your people-pleasing behavior.
People-pleasing often starts as a coping mechanism in childhood, such as avoiding beratement or maintaining home peace.
4 people, independently
If you struggle with fawning, shift from being 'nice' to being 'kind' by prioritizing your own well-being.
Those who ensure their needs are met tend to have more capacity to be genuinely kind to others.
one person who lived it
Focus on your personal needs, time, money, and respect first, as long as you are not harming anyone.
Not defending these rights allows others to take advantage.
- Ensure you are not harming anyone.
one person who lived it
Decide to act bravely one time by stating what needs to be said to fix a problem.
Respecting yourself by speaking up can resolve issues and stop people-pleasing behaviors.
one person who lived it
Accept that others may get angry when you focus on your needs, recognizing that their anger is their issue, not yours.
People's negative reactions are often more about their own issues than yours.
- most people aren’t angry
one person who lived it
Say what you want and do what you want to see who remains around you.
Those who remain are the friends and people you actually need.
one person who lived it
Limit interaction with people who treat you poorly or refuse to get to know you.
They are not willing to look deeper, so it is a waste of time.
one person who lived it
Stop worrying about being likable and focus on being respected.
People will like you if they respect you.
one person who lived it
Do not judge grumpy or bitter people harshly.
They may still help others, be dependable, and do good for society.
one person who lived it
Say no to requests that require compromising your values or caving to peer pressure to fit in.
Sticking to your values is authentic and demands respect.
one person who lived it
- Do not peer pressure others.1
Focus on your own frame and stop giving your energy away to others.
One person reported that life has been much better since doing this.
one person who lived it
Retract niceness from those who do not respond well to it, as this often earns respect.
People who do not appreciate goodwill often begin to respect you when you stop being nice to them.
one person who lived it
Spend time with friends who are not people-pleasers; their presence can help you face the parts of yourself you have rejected.
One person found that being around non-people-pleasers helped them grow by forcing them to confront their own tendencies.
one person who lived it
If a roommate refuses to clean, accept their 'no' as reality and look for a new living space rather than trying to change them.
You cannot change who someone is; believing what they show you saves time.
one person who lived it
Recall that people who judge you are unimportant, while those who value you do not judge.
4 people, independently
Avoid hiding who you are to be acceptable, as this prevents people from genuinely liking the real you.
People can't genuinely like you if they don't really see you.
one person who lived it
Stop making fun of yourself for trying to please others.
Stopping this behavior feels refreshing.
one person who lived it
Read 'The Courage to Be Disliked' to learn that other people's opinions are none of your business.
It can be a game changer for realizing what others think is not your concern.
one person who lived it
Recognize that people-pleasing can be perceived as annoying or cloying by those you want to connect with.
Realizing this distasteful perception helped one person stop the behavior.
- Based on one person's realization
one person who lived it
Do not force attention on people who do not try to get it.
They do not want it.
one person who lived it
Accept that you cannot make everyone happy and that someone will always be unhappy regardless of your efforts.
5 people, independently
- Accept that you do not need to be everyone's favorite person.8
If you are perceived as too nice or boring, try standing up for yourself more without being arrogant.
People can sense when you are too tolerant due to seeking friendship, which may lead to passive aggressive behavior.
one person who lived it
Take risks in seeking out friendships rather than waiting for others to befriend you.
4 people, independently
Understand that charismatic people often succeed by convincing others to agree with them rather than agreeing with others.
They are doing what they want and are good at persuasion, not people-pleasing.
one person who lived it
Stop bending over backwards to help others when they treat you poorly.
Doing so signals that you have no spine and encourages them to keep seeking acknowledgment from you despite mistreatment.
one person who lived it
Read 'No More Mr. Nice Guy' to address issues with being overly accommodating.
7 people, independently
- Read the book 'Not Nice' to learn detailed strategies for stopping people-pleasing behaviors.4
Reflect on past mistakes of pressuring others as a lesson to avoid repeating them.
It serves as a good lesson in hindsight.
one person who lived it
Ignore people who call your sources of happiness stupid or worthless, as their criticism reveals they do not value your happiness.
Ignoring such people is a secret to happiness.
one person who lived it
Stop expecting people to change their behavior; learn who they are and accept it.
one person who lived it
Frame your acts of assistance as 'unburdening' others rather than being nice.
It projects strength instead of weakness and prevents you from appearing needy or eager.
one person who lived it
Recognize that others' dislike of your niceness may stem from their own insecurity or fear of being outshone.
People often project their threats onto kind people, fearing they will be favored over them.
one person who lived it
Spot your own people-pleasing behaviors and stop them immediately; repeat this process until the habit fades.
It is like fixing any other bad habit and gets easier with time as the neural pathways change.
one person who lived it
Only agree to requests after you have satisfied your own needs first.
one person who lived it
Stop giving in to everyone's demands to avoid appearing unreliable.
Giving in to everyone makes you seem like a 'wet rag' who cannot be counted on.
one person who lived it
Put yourself first and focus on making yourself happy; it gets easier over time.
3 people, independently
Treat reckless driving as a red flag for a person's respect and character.
If someone cannot respect others' space or time while operating a vehicle, they are unlikely to do so in other situations.
one person who lived it
Help others only when you genuinely want to, not out of a sense of obligation.
Others' dissatisfaction does not mean they disapprove of your ideas, so do not be ashamed of failing to please them; keep your integrity first.
one person who lived it
Accept that not everyone will be your 'cup of tea' and that it is normal to feel differently about well-liked people.
Realizing that not everyone will suit your preferences can be freeing.
one person who lived it
Act nice and generous to buy yourself time to work out trustworthiness, rather than trusting immediately.
This allows you to remain suspicious while preventing immediate hatred, giving you time to grow trust (or not).
one person who lived it
Work out whether a request serves the greater good or is merely an assertion of authority before deciding to accept it.
The motive behind the request is more important than the request itself.
one person who lived it
Seek out communities that already share your ethic of genuine kindness rather than trying to change people who are merely nice.
Confronting them to make them kind will likely create an antagonistic relationship.
one person who lived it
Discard gifts or favors from people who turn small requests into uncomfortable guilt trips.
Such interactions often result in feeling obligated rather than helped.
one person who lived it
Work out actions based on motivation rather than the action itself; consider an action selfish if it is done without a fair reason.
The motivation behind an action changes its meaning; refusing to share without a fair reason (like past loss) is selfish, but refusing with a valid reason is not.
one person who lived it
Wait at least 10 minutes before responding to requests to counteract impulsive people-pleasing and allow time for reflection.
It helps you understand what you want rather than automatically accommodating others.
one person who lived it
Be authentic, genuine, and assertive; do not sacrifice your happiness for others, especially those who do not care about you.
People like authenticity in others.
one person who lived it
Ensure your kindness is authentic rather than performative, as people will detect disingenuousness.
Being overly nice as an act makes you appear disingenuous; authentic kindness rarely produces hostile reactions.
- If authentic kindness triggers hostility, it is likely the other person's issue.
one person who lived it
Accept that some people are not well educated or lack the capability to do simple things, and view your own ability to handle instructions properly as a reason for gratitude rather than stress.
Being stressed because others lack capability makes you no different from them.
one person who lived it
Stop feeling bad for coworkers' shitty behavior when you professionally stand your ground against their laziness.
Their negative reaction is a reflection of their behavior, not your failure.
one person who lived it
Judge character by actions of consideration rather than superficial niceness.
People may play nice to gain advantage or favors.
one person who lived it
Recognize that helping someone repeatedly does not guarantee gratitude; they may resent you for refusing help just once.
one person who lived it
If you have experienced unreliability when covering shifts for favors, require upfront cash payment instead of relying on future reciprocity.
One person found that colleagues who owed them favors failed to acknowledge or help them when they needed it.
one person who lived it
Remove people from your life who do not respect your choices regarding alcohol consumption.
one person who lived it
Understand that those who insist you drink are often poorly raised or alcoholics in denial, and may themselves have drinking problems.
3 people, independently
Avoid forcing positivity when a situation calls for empathy, as it can feel invalidating to those who are upset.
It comes across as obnoxious and invalidates the other person's feelings.
one person who lived it
Recognize that thoughts about you inhabit other people's brains for only seconds before they return to thinking about themselves.
one person who lived it
Use flattery sparingly and only when it is truly warranted to avoid appearing insincere.
Excessive or unearned flattery makes you appear insincere, and people will eventually notice if it is not genuine.
one person who lived it
Do not expect others to reciprocate your level of social energy or cheerfulness.
Expecting reciprocity when someone is not matching your energy creates a problem.
one person who lived it
Embrace imperfectionism to accept your flaws and increase confidence.
Accepting ourselves more naturally increases our confidence.
one person who lived it
Limit repeated assistance to avoid creating anticipation rather than appreciation.
Giving something once yields appreciation, but a second time creates anticipation.
one person who lived it
Recognize that consistently lending money enables bad financial habits and prevents the borrower from developing responsibility.
It is difficult to teach someone financial responsibility if you are always bailing them out.
one person who lived it
Avoid bragging or acting pretentious; stay modest regarding your achievements.
5 people, independently
Avoid assuming that people-pleasing is always manipulative; sometimes it is simply being nice or considerate, and nuance is often lost online.
The internet kills nuance, leading people to label considerate behavior as people-pleasing.
one person who lived it
Stop mitigating yourself; your existence does not make people uncomfortable.
one person who lived it
Accept that feeling 'too much' is often a reflection of the other person's insecurity or incompatibility, not your own flaw.
one person who lived it
Distinguish between genuine kindness, which involves discipline and responsibility, and people-pleasing, which sacrifices your authentic self.
one person who lived it
reasons, decline, why, reason28
Deflect questions about work, schedule, or age with witty non-answers like 'I work for the highest bidder' or 'You don't want to know.'
Decline invitations by saying you are not in the mood but appreciate the invite, or thank them and state you cannot attend this time.
This avoids over-explaining.
4 people, independently
- Use the short phrase 'it doesn't work for me' to turn down things you don't want to do without hurting the asker's feelings.3
- Say 'thank you' instead of 'sorry' when declining a request.3
- Communicate if you appreciate explanations when others decline invitations.1
- When declining an invitation, simultaneously propose a different activity you control.4
- Cite an unavoidable personal appointment as the reason for not attending and refuse to elaborate if pressed.1
- Be direct and clear when declining invitations rather than leaving the door open with vague responses.4
- Firmly and politely say 'I’d rather not' without providing reasons or answering follow-up questions about why.4
Respond with 'because I don't want to' if asked why you said no.
It is a valid reason that cannot be argued with.
one person who lived it
- Provide a specific excuse such as being busy, not available, or not in the mood when saying no to help others accept the refusal.2
- If someone asks why you said no, provide a short, firm explanation rather than ignoring the question or responding rudely.1
Ask for a detailed reason why your no is not enough; if they argue, smile and repeat no.
Most people do not expect this and may shut up.
one person who lived it
- If someone insists after you decline, simply repeat your answer without adding new reasons.1
Reply 'Thank you, but it's personal' when asked for a reason.
This helps the asker realize how invasive their prying is.
one person who lived it
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If pressed for a reason, give a generic or trivial excuse such as needing to feed your goldfish.
People usually stop asking why after hearing this.
one person who lived it
Say 'no thank you' in a firm and friendly tone to politely decline favors.
It works wonders.
one person who lived it
Do not feel obligated to participate in social events if you are not interested.
You are not missing out.
2 people, independently
Turn the obligation back on the questioner by telling them to find you a partner if they pressure you to settle down.
One person reported this stopped the conversation entirely.
one person who lived it
Avoid citing busy schedules or tight budgets as reasons for refusing free work.
This invites scrutiny of your leisure time and spending.
one person who lived it
- Decline offers for free work without providing explanations.1
If you feel bad about refusing a close friend, offer an explanation; otherwise, simply say no without providing reasons.
Decent people will understand your right to refuse even without an explanation, and those who are presumptuous do not deserve one.
one person who lived it
Keep explanations for saying no vague and avoid providing specific details about why you are refusing.
Reasons that don't give much information are difficult to refute; giving too much detail allows the person asking to come back with counter-arguments.
one person who lived it
Deflect questions about work, schedule, or age with witty non-answers like 'I work for the highest bidder' or 'You don't want to know.'
8 people, independently
Be honest about age differences and boundaries when declining invites from younger acquaintances.
Honesty is the best policy, especially when you are an adult the young person trusts and the boundary exists for good reasons.
one person who lived it
Decline invitations from teenagers by honestly stating you are too old.
This helps you avoid looking like a creep and demonstrates responsible adult behavior; a normal teenager will likely understand.
one person who lived it
Frame refusals positively by stating you are busy rather than expressing disinterest.
Saying 'I'm not interested' can be interpreted as rejecting the person themselves.
one person who lived it
Deflect pushy colleagues who pressure you to socialize by questioning their premise, such as asking if you are more enjoyable when drinking.
one person who lived it
When saying no, point people to resources or explain your schedule transparently.
one person who lived it
share, talk, conversations, personal20
Redirect the conversation by immediately asking a question about the other person after giving a vague answer.
People love to talk about themselves and will take the hint to switch topics.
6 people, independently
Read books and newspapers to expand your small talk repertoire.
One person reported this expanded their small talk.
one person who lived it
Accept that not everyone will mesh well with you; view small talk as enough for those connections rather than forcing deep relationships.
2 people, independently
Perform routine tasks alone, such as running errands, to practice interacting with strangers you will not see again.
This removes the fear of disappointing people you know.
one person who lived it
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Practice scaling down your response to strangers by pausing before reacting to compliments or small talk.
It helps if you're being overly nice.
one person who lived it
Answer personal questions with short, vague responses while smiling to keep a friendly demeanor.
It keeps your life private while appearing friendly.
one person who lived it
Keep making social efforts despite awkwardness.
Almost everyone is awkward and does not judge harshly; continuing will make you better at it.
one person who lived it
Write down strong urges to overshare personal information instead of speaking them.
It is tiring but comforting once you start.
one person who lived it
Memorize stock phrases beforehand so you can use them to deflect questions without improvising in the heat of conversation.
You may not remember you can use them if you try to improvise in the moment.
one person who lived it
Share personal information on a strict need-to-know basis, assuming anything you say could be used against you or traded as gossip.
People may gather ammunition to use against you or trade gossip.
one person who lived it
- Withhold sensitive information during conversations with known gossipers or untrustworthy people.1
Enter new circles of strangers gradually rather than abruptly, and do not force conversation to continue.
Abrupt entry can come off as self-centered or nosy.
one person who lived it
Start by cutting out half-hearted 'maybes' and taking baby steps to build confidence.
Practicing this helps tremendously with confidence.
one person who lived it
Prepare a deflection script in advance to make refusing personal questions feel more natural.
Having a prepared deflection helps when you are shy.
one person who lived it
Write down thoughts you would otherwise share with others in a journal.
5 people, independently
Excuse yourself from conversations as soon as you notice the other person is draining your energy.
Protecting your energy from toxicity early is key.
one person who lived it
Prepare non-personal stories and conversation-ending phrases in advance to appear social without sharing details.
It helps you come off as social enough.
one person who lived it
State your contradictory opinions during conversations instead of agreeing with everything, as this makes interactions more interesting and engaging.
Expressing contradictions makes conversations interesting and engaging.
one person who lived it
Make a list of topics you commonly discuss to determine who is appropriate to share them with, avoiding oversharing problems or context-less stories to start conversations.
one person who lived it
One approach that helped: Be completely transparent and do not shy away from making others uncomfortable to establish realistic expectations for future interactions.
one person who lived it
uncomfortable, person, questions, information40
Give vague or humorous answers to maintain privacy without shutting down the interaction completely.
Use calm, curious deflection by asking why the person would ask, say, think, feel, or tell you that specific thing.
This buys you time.
one person who lived it
Clearly and politely tell the person that you dislike being touched and ask for more personal space.
It makes you uncomfortable.
3 people, independently
Start expressing what you feel gradually; trust that if your current partner doesn't appreciate the real you, someone else will.
You are not offending anyone by saying what you don't like.
one person who lived it
Set boundaries by stating your discomfort or disengaging if jokes about serious issues make you uncomfortable.
You have the right to feel uncomfortable and focus on your well-being.
3 people, independently
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Turn the question back on the asker by asking why their own partner is not present.
Let them figure out the implication themselves.
one person who lived it
Remind yourself that front-desk employees are paid to be welcoming and that their conversational attempts are part of their job, not a personal demand.
They likely will not care if your response is dry, as they are just trying to do their job well.
one person who lived it
Use 'What makes you ask?' instead of 'Why do you ask?' for a less confrontational tone.
It sounds more connecting and objective.
one person who lived it
Do not ask questions if you are unwilling to accept the answer.
3 people, independently
Tell colleagues the reason for your behavioral change rather than simply saying you are okay.
Humans hate sudden change, which scares them.
one person who lived it
Use terms like 'dude' or 'mate' when referring to female friends to ease the transition into friendship.
One person found this clarified platonic intent.
- Based on one guy's experience
one person who lived it
Avoid surprising online friends with last-minute plans to meet in person or send gifts.
Last-minute surprises can make recipients uncomfortable and awkward.
one person who lived it
If someone crosses a line with a joke or suggestion, use a long silence to signal that it is not okay.
Uncomfortable silence makes everyone aware of the situation and shares your feelings about it.
one person who lived it
Ignore a friend who makes rude comments and acts as if nothing happened.
Putting up with such behavior yields no benefit.
one person who lived it
Deflect intrusive questions by giving vague, noninformative answers and immediately asking the other person a question to preempt further probing.
To avoid answering directly and redirect the focus back on them.
4 people, independently
- Deflect intrusive questions by humorously claiming that sharing the information would endanger your life.1
Explicitly express your opinions instead of expecting people to read your mind or guess your feelings.
People cannot see that you are interesting on the inside unless you actually communicate it.
one person who lived it
Be authentic about your preferences in close relationships, such as telling a partner what you actually like to eat, to build knowledge intimacy.
If you habitually defer, your partner will never learn what you like.
one person who lived it
If discussing controversial topics hurts feelings and ruins your enjoyment of time together, agree to stop discussing them.
It prevents hurt feelings and preserves the enjoyment of time spent together.
one person who lived it
Avoid explaining why pickup artist tactics are creepy to the recipient.
The recipient may take their frustration and incomprehension out on you.
one person who lived it
If a coworker makes lazy assumptions, create distance by becoming busy when they approach and withholding personal details until their tone becomes respectful.
This strategy worked over several weeks, causing the coworker's tone to change as you became more formal and professional.
one person who lived it
Do not give out your phone number or social media handles to strangers who make you uncomfortable.
Giving contact information rewards unwanted behavior.
one person who lived it
Limit contact with friends who dismiss your concerns about their behavior or repeatedly put you in compromising situations.
Dismissing your reaction suggests they are not sorry and may repeat the behavior.
one person who lived it
State simply that you are not comfortable sharing the information.
3 people, independently
- Politely state that you do not feel comfortable talking about a specific topic right now.4
Assume casual questions about your partner's absence are habitual small talk rather than a sign of disinterest.
The asker is likely just wondering where the partner is, not implying they don't care about you.
one person who lived it
Judge whether interest is mutual by noticing who initiates plans and text conversations.
This helps determine if the situation is objectively one-sided or if the other person is just being polite.
one person who lived it
Set up your environment to meet your comfort needs, such as bringing a mini heater, rather than silently enduring discomfort.
Asking to be comfortable isn't rude.
one person who lived it
If you care about someone's feelings, give a brief explanation for your rejection.
Questions are often subconscious bids for connection, and repeated rejection can lead to pessimistic thinking.
one person who lived it
Explicitly state that you lack the bandwidth for extensive communication if someone messages too frequently.
It is honest but not explicitly hurtful, and some prefer this over being ignored.
one person who lived it
Treat private information like money; require the asker to justify why they need it rather than explaining why you won't give it.
one person who lived it
If you stare at someone, do not apologize unless they confront you first, as pointing out an unnoticed stare creates awkwardness.
The other person might not have noticed, and drawing attention to it makes the situation awkward.
one person who lived it
Ask for permission before discussing sensitive topics to avoid triggering others who may have similar experiences.
Oversharing can be triggering for people who have also gone through difficult things.
one person who lived it
Give vague or humorous answers to maintain privacy without shutting down the interaction completely.
It allows you to be tactful while protecting your personal information.
6 people, independently
If someone who is not in a position of authority asks about your past mistakes, state that you made bad decisions with consequences and explicitly say you are uncomfortable discussing them further.
Persisting after this boundary indicates the person is disrespectful, giving you further reason to disengage.
one person who lived it
Answer intrusive questions with 'I don't know' to signal disinterest.
It discourages further probing.
one person who lived it
- Politely express that a line of questioning is inappropriate or uncomfortable, and explicitly tell the person to stop if they continue.3
If a close friend struggles to grasp the discomfort of casual racism, compare it to shared experiences of gender bias in the professional workplace.
one person who lived it
Acknowledge that unintentional, friendly touch has disappeared as a necessary tragedy of our time.
one person who lived it
Inform friends upfront that you struggle with responding to text messages and offer phone calls as a more consistent alternative.
one person who lived it
When discussing sensitive topics with close friends, clarify that you can only speak for yourself, not your entire community; if explaining this distinction is difficult, consider avoiding these conversations.
one person who lived it
boundaries, set, setting, people36
Demonstrate that you have limits and will not be trampled on, no matter how kind you are.
Set clear boundaries by seriously telling people you do not like their jokes if they bother you.
You will set a boundary and live a better life.
one person who lived it
Allow people to dislike you if that is the consequence of setting boundaries.
It is scary at first, but you get over it.
one person who lived it
- Prepare to lose relationships with people who push back or demand reasons when you set boundaries.1
Add boundaries to your warmth.
Without boundaries, you may feel that your feelings do not matter to other people.
one person who lived it
Demonstrate that you have limits and will not be trampled on, no matter how kind you are.
5 people, independently
- Signal clearly that you do not want to talk about certain things so others respect your boundaries.1
- Block or ignore people who react aggressively or disrespectfully to a simple refusal.1
- Assert boundaries politely but firmly with intrusive strangers, then disengage completely if they persist.1
- Stop apologizing for having boundaries.1
26 more on this
Read the book 'Not Nice' to improve your boundary-setting skills.
One person found it helpful for their boundaries.
one person who lived it
Start new jobs with a cold and distant demeanor, then gradually allow those who deserve it closer access.
It is easier to set boundaries this way than to pull back later.
one person who lived it
Communicate your needs clearly instead of expecting good people to guess them.
Good people may be thrown off if you fail to communicate needs or set boundaries.
one person who lived it
Practice boundary-setting with a trusted friend by having them set up scenarios while you are not paying much attention.
Practice helps because this is hard.
one person who lived it
Set firm boundaries and say no to unreasonable requests, especially those that disrupt your sleep.
Standing up for yourself improves how you feel about yourself and boosts self-confidence.
one person who lived it
Place respectful boundaries while being nice to prevent being taken advantage of.
People tend to lack respect for those without boundaries and will walk all over them.
one person who lived it
If you need to set boundaries with intrusive family members, state your need for alone time firmly and loudly.
A louder voice demonstrates that you mean what you are saying.
one person who lived it
Be frank and direct about your boundaries, but maintain kindness.
The person may be socially awkward and just trying to connect.
one person who lived it
Distance yourself from people who do not respect your boundaries.
5 people, independently
Mind your boundaries and say no when requests feel like too much, prioritizing your own needs.
3 people, independently
Clearly define your specific boundaries so you can identify when others are stepping over them.
It is difficult to know if boundaries are being crossed if you are not clear on what they are.
one person who lived it
- Decide beforehand what boundaries you will allow in your life so they are not blurry during interactions.1
Clearly state that you want no contact unless it is related to the specific shared activity.
It allows you to be clear and direct while setting a strong boundary.
one person who lived it
Develop a strong, assertive 'no' to prevent others from exploiting your lack of boundaries.
If you do not know your boundaries, others will take advantage of your lack of assertion.
one person who lived it
Expect that setting boundaries after long-term compliance may initially be perceived as 'mean' due to unfamiliarity.
People are not used to you setting boundaries, so the sudden change boils to the top when you're upset.
one person who lived it
Set a timer for social interactions with an intrusive person and leave immediately when it buzzes to condition them to respect your boundaries.
Consistently disappearing when the timer goes off may lead them to learn to respect the limit, similar to Pavlovian conditioning.
one person who lived it
Set boundaries early by refusing hugs and withholding your name or number if you feel uncomfortable.
Accepting physical contact can be misinterpreted as consent for more.
one person who lived it
Establish clear boundaries to prevent others from exploiting your friendliness.
Many people are hardwired to exploit others.
one person who lived it
Set a specific time boundary for conversations with siblings who monologue, or pick a designated day for quality time to manage expectations.
It helps manage expectations and is helpful for later stages of the relationship.
one person who lived it
Use a workbook focused on boundaries to practice communicating your needs.
Communicating needs is difficult when you are not used to it.
one person who lived it
Establish and maintain boundaries directly rather than avoiding conflict out of fear.
It is an important exercise in social skills.
one person who lived it
Maintain kindness and empathy while setting boundaries so others learn to behave appropriately.
Others need to learn appropriate behavior through boundaries.
one person who lived it
Stop acting as an unpaid therapist for friends and set boundaries on emotional labor.
one person who lived it
Report persistent boundary violations to HR, as continued action indicates intentional violation.
Continued behavior after setting boundaries constitutes intentional violation.
one person who lived it
Do not remain silent when others overstep your boundaries; failing to complain enables abusive behavior rather than demonstrating politeness.
Overstepping boundaries while the victim does not complain is abusive behavior.
one person who lived it
Use humor and ridiculous fabricated answers to communicate boundaries without damaging the relationship.
Humor is an effective way to set limits without degrading the connection.
one person who lived it
Develop an 'alter ego' persona that has pre-practiced difficult conversations to create emotional distance when setting boundaries or delivering feedback.
one person who lived it
saying, refusal, avoid, yes40
Treat 'No' as a complete sentence without providing explanations or excuses.
Use the 'Yes, and...' technique to validate the person before pointing to a better way.
People want to feel understood emotionally; being told no suggests otherwise. Avoid 'Yes, but...', which is worse than a plain no.
- Do not use this for offensive statements (e.g., advocating sterilization).
one person who lived it
Recognize that true friends may trust you more when you set boundaries because your 'yes' becomes meaningful.
When you say yes, they know you mean it.
one person who lived it
View saying no as an act of vulnerability that builds trust.
You are trusting that they will care about you enough to respect that.
one person who lived it
Add 'thank you' to your refusal (e.g., 'no thank you') to remain polite while setting a boundary.
Saying just 'no' can sound rude.
- One person noted that if you say 'no, thank you' without attempting to reschedule or explain, they will not invite you out again.
one person who lived it
- When someone says no, respond with simple acceptance phrases like 'I respect that' or 'oh ok!', optionally add a quick sorry, and then move on.2
- Use the phrase 'I wish I could, but...' to deliver a refusal that sounds softer.2
- Pay close attention to your tone when saying no.1
- Deliver a simple refusal with a warm, kind tone rather than offering excuses.1
- Cushion 'no' with phrases like 'no, thank you' or 'no, but I appreciate the offer' to avoid sending unintended negative messages.1
- Say 'not today' instead of 'no' when declining charity donations to reduce awkwardness and self-consciousness.1
- Add 'thank you' to your refusal (e.g., 'No thank you') to signal finality and politeness.1
28 more on this
Politely tell people to back off if they keep pushing you to try food you dislike, rather than lying to avoid conflict.
Lying to avoid conflict isn't great advice.
one person who lived it
Use a silent thumbs-up to acknowledge a coworker's command if you wish to decline it without verbal engagement.
It conveys 'thanks, but no thanks' for being told what to do.
one person who lived it
Say 'no' firmly when it matters, understanding that it is reassuring rather than mean.
Saying no is reassuring, not mean.
one person who lived it
Stop using 'maybe' when you mean 'no'; be direct to avoid giving false hope or inviting negotiation.
People often assume 'maybe' means 'yes' or interpret it as an invitation to negotiate better.
one person who lived it
Let people voice their own refusal rather than assuming rejection for them.
Many people avoid asking for what they want because they assume they will be rejected.
one person who lived it
Avoid using 'not today' or 'not now' instead of a hard 'no'.
These phrases often lead to follow-up questions asking when you might be available.
one person who lived it
Say 'no' authentically when you do not want to do something, rather than agreeing resentfully.
Saying yes resentfully causes more problems.
one person who lived it
Avoid saying 'maybe' or 'I don't know' when asked for favors; be upfront and clear to prevent others from trying to persuade you.
Ambiguous responses signal openness to persuasion without concern for your wants.
one person who lived it
Skip the explicit 'no' and immediately offer a consolation or alternative solution.
It saves time and keeps people calm.
- Explicitly say 'No I can't do that' if the person is clueless or insistent.
one person who lived it
Say no when you genuinely do not want to do something; if the other person lashes out, recognize it as their insecurity and walk away to maintain your peace.
Saying no distinguishes kindness from being a stepping stone.
one person who lived it
- Say no clearly first without leading with excuses.1
Replace apologies with gratitude, such as saying 'thanks for thinking of me,' 'thanks for understanding,' or 'thank you for your patience.'
It is considered far better than apologizing.
one person who lived it
Treat 'no' as a complete sentence and stop offering immediately when refused.
Consent is important in all matters, not just sexual ones.
one person who lived it
Use phrases like 'It’s on the list' or 'Thanks for the reminder' when a coworker commands you to do something you were already planning.
It indicates you are busy, aware of the work, and not following their orders.
one person who lived it
Say 'Let me come back to you' to create distance before deciding whether to say yes or no.
It provides necessary distance before making a decision.
one person who lived it
If someone declines a nice offer with 'No thanks, don't bother!', respect their refusal and do not proceed.
Insisting after a refusal crosses their boundaries.
one person who lived it
Say no instead of giving non-committal answers to avoid wasteful obligations.
Saying 'maybe' or 'I'll look into it' often leads to getting involved in wasteful obligations.
one person who lived it
When greeted by service staff, say 'good' and move forward without extending the conversation if you do not wish to talk.
This satisfies customer service expectations without requiring further interaction.
one person who lived it
Recognize that an overreaction to your 'no' is often a manipulation technique, not proof you are wrong.
Research indicates this reaction is a manipulation technique.
one person who lived it
When asked for a favor, reply with 'It depends' to gauge the requester's reaction and assert boundaries without immediately saying no.
If the person reacts poorly or demands an automatic yes, it reveals their toxic expectations, allowing you to decide whether to engage further.
one person who lived it
Use semi-polite shutdowns like 'No thank you' or 'Please don't judge my facial expressions' instead of snarky comebacks.
It avoids permanently gaining a reputation for being snappish.
one person who lived it
State 'I can't' without providing a justification or reason.
Giving reasons invites argument and negotiation.
2 people, independently
Accept insisted-upon money graciously to avoid rudeness, then donate it or use it to pay forward if you are uncomfortable keeping it.
If you've already refused and they insist, it's practically rude not to.
one person who lived it
Treat 'No' as a complete sentence without providing explanations or excuses.
8 people, independently
In contentious situations, particularly with employers, refuse to give reasons for saying no to avoid inviting debate.
Providing reasons invites others to argue against those reasons rather than accepting the decision.
one person who lived it
Recognize that culture influences communication styles, such as direct versus indirect refusal.
Some cultures favor direct communication and view waffling as rude, while others favor indirect communication.
one person who lived it
Say 'no' immediately before offering any explanation to avoid giving false hope or causing confusion about partial compliance.
Explaining first can lead listeners to believe you might partially fulfill the request, whereas a clear immediate 'no' reduces hurt feelings.
one person who lived it
Frame saying no as giving the asker a gift of clear communication so they can consider alternatives.
one person who lived it
Use positive alternatives like 'you're welcome', 'my pleasure', or 'any time' instead of 'no problem' when responding to thanks.
'No' and 'problem' are negative words; keeping it totally positive is better.
one person who lived it
headphones, audio, wearing, device26
Assume that people wearing headphones do not wish to be disturbed or engaged in conversation.
Pack earplugs when traveling or staying in hotels to block out snoring, loud neighbors, traffic, or late-night noise.
It ensures better sleep quality and prevents resentment toward roommates or strangers.
- Standard foam earplugs may not be enough for very loud snorers; silicone swimmer plugs are an alternative.
- Earplugs reduce decibels but do not produce silence.
4 people, independently
Politely inform someone their headphones are leaking sound by commenting on the music, as they may not realize it.
They might not know the sound is audible to others.
- Some people know and do not care; confrontation can lead to negative outcomes or potential violence.
- One person was unaware their expensive headphones leaked sound until told.
one person who lived it
Use AirPods or headphones when walking to avoid disturbing others with music.
No one likes hearing your music while you are scooting or walking down the street.
- Do not drive with headphones in; it is stupid and illegal.
one person who lived it
Bring an eye mask along with earplugs to get a much better night's sleep.
It compliments the earplugs and improves sleep quality.
one person who lived it
17 more on this
Test headphone functionality at low volume before increasing it in shared spaces.
The jack might be broken, causing sound to blast out instead of into the headphones.
one person who lived it
Connect headphones to the device before putting them in your ears to prevent sudden loud bursts of audio.
This prevents ear damage.
one person who lived it
- Mute the device before plugging in headphones to prevent audio from blasting if they disconnect unexpectedly.1
Plug headphones into your laptop before opening it in public to prevent accidental loud audio from speakers.
Videos or audio may autoplay loudly, potentially exposing private content like pornography.
- Bluetooth headphones may disconnect when the laptop is closed.
- Closing porn tabs is also recommended.
4 people, independently
- Keep headphones plugged into your laptop at all times during class or meetings to ensure audio routes to them if media auto-plays.1
Tuck the headphone cord into a bag or pocket to reinforce the 'do not disturb' signal.
When people glance and see the headphones, they realize you are occupied and leave you alone.
one person who lived it
Wear only one earbud in public spaces to maintain awareness of your surroundings and hear others speaking to you.
It allows you to listen to audio while remaining safe and aware of what is going on around you.
- Some people wonder if this appears rude.
4 people, independently
Use in-ear headphones instead of loose earplugs for sleeping to prevent losing them.
The cable ensures you won't lose the device during the night.
one person who lived it
Do not eat while using a headset with an active microphone to avoid broadcasting chewing sounds.
Chewing and swallowing sounds are disgusting to listeners.
- One person reported genuinely enjoying these sounds.
- In high-stakes situations requiring constant concentration, pressing buttons to mute may be impractical.
one person who lived it
Politely speak up and ask others to use headphones or move away if they are playing videos or audio aloud in shared spaces.
If you do not speak up, the behavior will continue and likely get worse.
one person who lived it
Accept that wearing headphones may not stop persistent people who seek interaction.
One person reported that people still try to talk to them despite headphones.
2 people, independently
Do not initiate conversation with someone wearing headphones unless the matter is urgent or business-related.
they are signaling they do not want to talk
2 people, independently
- Take off headphones when entering social situations, such as buying something, to appear approachable and polite.3
- Avoid wearing headphones at social gatherings or dances, as it signals rejection and makes the event about you.1
- Assume that people wearing headphones do not wish to be disturbed or engaged in conversation.5
Assume people wearing headphones can still hear you and adjust your language accordingly.
One person overheard an intimate conversation despite having headphones in with nothing playing.
one person who lived it
Mute your device and close all browser tabs before closing or hibernating your laptop.
to prevent accidental audio playback
2 people, independently
Close browser tabs with sensitive content after use.
To prevent accidental exposure if others access the device.
one person who lived it
Walk without headphones occasionally to experience calming natural sounds and be present in the moment.
Hearing birds, random conversations, and your own thoughts can be weirdly calming
one person who lived it
Prepare class materials before entering a lecture hall to cut down on distracting noises upon arrival.
It minimizes the distraction caused to others.
- Some consider this inefficient and prefer to simply accept being late.
one person who lived it
Carry spare pairs of cheap headphones to offer to people who are playing media without headphones in public.
one person who lived it
Keep speaker volume muted on devices unless actively using speakers.
Many devices keep headphone and speaker volumes separate.
one person who lived it
say, requests, saying, practice25
Say 'no' without providing a justification or explanation.
View saying no to things you are uncomfortable with as an act of self-love and self-care, prioritizing your own well-being.
Saying no to external demands can be interpreted as saying yes to yourself.
2 people, independently
Reframe saying yes to unwanted requests as saying no to yourself.
This mindset shift helped.
one person who lived it
- Remind yourself that most people do not care about you to make saying 'no' easier.1
Rehearse refusing minor, low-importance requests to build the skill for bigger ones.
This practice makes it simpler to decline when the stakes are higher later.
7 people, independently
- Judge your priorities and stick to them with discipline. When declining requests outside those priorities, simply say no without offering excuses or reasons.3
- Practice saying 'no' politely in situations where you normally agree but wish you could decline.1
- Begin by declining minor requests from trusted people to gain confidence before handling more difficult scenarios.4
Say 'no' without providing a justification or explanation.
Explaining allows people to judge you unfairly or argue with your reason; a decision is harder to challenge than a reason. It also prevents feeling guilty or needing an excuse.
11 people, independently
15 more on this
Stop looking for a 'good enough reason' to say no; simply say no because you don't want to do something.
Defining boundaries clearly is very freeing.
one person who lived it
Say no the first time someone asks you to do something you absolutely don't want to do, without explanations or excuses.
The peace is worth the original pain felt when you say no.
one person who lived it
- Accept that it is okay to say no without providing an elaborate reason.1
Consider 'no' a full response that requires no further elaboration.
The only justification you need is for yourself; providing reasons can invite pressure to comply.
- Some find zero explanation infuriating.
- It may ignore social norms in casual conversation and encourage associations with rudeness.
6 people, independently
Define clear personal goals so you have a concrete reason to say no to requests that do not align with them.
Having goals and values helps you say no while still being a nice person and avoiding being taken advantage of.
2 people, independently
Pause before agreeing to requests to check if you are acting out of genuine desire or a need for approval.
This pause helps reduce guilt and resentment.
one person who lived it
If you are young, remind yourself that the urge to fit in is biological wiring; knowing this helps you say no.
Knowing the feeling is biology equips you to say no.
one person who lived it
Use stalling tactics like 'let me check my schedule' to buy time before making a decision.
This allows you to practice refusing without having to reject the request immediately.
4 people, independently
- If you face an unreasonable request that requires a firm refusal, say you will think about it to buy yourself time to structure your response.1
View the difficulty of saying no as a signal that the skill needs more practice.
Difficulty indicates areas that need more work.
one person who lived it
Make difficult purchasing decisions at the store rather than at home to avoid repeated temptation.
It is easier to say no once at the point of purchase than to resist the item repeatedly while it is in your home.
one person who lived it
Say 'No' without craving validation; recognize that feeling guilty does not mean the refusal is wrong.
The feeling of guilt will persist but is not necessarily correct or right.
one person who lived it
Accept that saying no will feel horrible and physically uncomfortable at first, but trust that it gets easier with practice.
Courage often causes physical illness initially, but growing courage leads to confidence.
2 people, independently
Immediately get busy with another activity after saying no.
To stop yourself from thinking about it and going back on your decision.
one person who lived it
Set new short-term objectives based on your motivation after making a major decision.
It is the actions following the decision, not the decision itself, that determine its value.
one person who lived it
Introduce yourself as a 'recovering doormat' to new people to set expectations.
The first hard refusal is the hardest, but realizing you survive it makes subsequent refusals easier.
one person who lived it
Accept that saying no may initially feel awkward or rude, but persist as the feeling subsides and productivity improves.
The difference in productivity is immediate.
one person who lived it
end, calls, stating10
Threaten to report telemarketers to the FCC to deter unwanted calls.
The threat of fines seems to work well.
- This does not apply to religious or political callers due to noncommercial exemptions.
one person who lived it
End a conversation by stating what you are going to do next, such as reading a magazine or washing your hands.
It acts as a gentle rejection.
- It seems rude but is actually quite nice.
one person who lived it
Carry a whistle as a deterrent against harassment.
You need a deterrent when people are trying this stuff.
one person who lived it
Bait telemarketers into talking for a long time before declining at the end to waste their time.
It is more satisfying knowing they have wasted their time.
one person who lived it
6 more on this
Politely excuse yourself from a clingy person by stating you are going to mingle or network, then walk away without further explanation.
You do not owe them an explanation.
- It may feel raw because it catches them off guard.
one person who lived it
When asked to switch seats, offer a trade (e.g., 'trade you for your popcorn') to make the requester give something up.
That's how negotiation works; if they don't have anything you want, you can say it doesn't seem like a good trade.
one person who lived it
End phone calls where you owe nothing to the caller by stating you have to go and hanging up immediately.
You owe them nothing.
one person who lived it
If someone persistently borrows money from you, start asking them for money yourself.
It works.
one person who lived it
Name a ridiculously high 'fuck off' price to deter casual requests.
Most of the time, this causes them to go away.
one person who lived it
Use 'do not disturb' mode on devices to block calls immediately, creating space for your own goals.
It allows you to state you are busy without interruption.
one person who lived it
assertiveness, work, makes, people18
Stay kind while firmly holding your ground and respecting your limits.
Challenge the proposer to go first using a sarcastic tone to deflate the situation and put them in your shoes.
It puts the proposer in your position.
- This is a risky approach; do not use it if you suspect the other person would not consent to physical contact.
one person who lived it
Speak less so that your words carry more meaning and are harder to ignore.
Less is more.
one person who lived it
Express negative feelings using 'I' statements (e.g., 'I didn't like when you did this') instead of shaming language to work through conflict and build closeness.
Working through conflict this way makes you two closer.
one person who lived it
Stay kind while firmly holding your ground and respecting your limits.
7 people, independently
14 more on this
Speak your truth and accept that disapproval from others is their problem, not yours.
It becomes easier with practice.
one person who lived it
If you are indecisive, tell people directly when you do not want to do something rather than beating around the bush.
This helps you become more assertive.
one person who lived it
Calmly and directly tell someone you do not like their immature or mocking behavior.
It is a skill needed throughout life to address how others treat you.
one person who lived it
Say 'I disagree' with a smile to express your truth kindly.
The smile makes the disagreement more kind.
one person who lived it
If you struggle with assertiveness, try getting a job that requires standing your ground, such as one involving negotiations.
This helped one person improve a lot.
one person who lived it
Learn and use the assertiveness techniques known as 'Broken Record' and 'Fogging'.
They are popular because they work.
one person who lived it
Be assertive rather than acting like an asshole.
Being an asshole is needlessly mean, less effective, and destroys social capital, whereas being assertive gets you the respect you want.
one person who lived it
When seeking clarification, phrase your request as a humble question using upward inflection to avoid appearing corrective or superior.
Using an upward inflection like a question makes the request come across okay.
one person who lived it
Reframe confrontation as communication to reduce fear.
Words matter, and most people dislike confrontation.
one person who lived it
Treat coworkers with cordial respect rather than forced niceness, recognizing that work relationships differ from family ones.
Focusing on showcasing unique skills in this context can stop criticism.
one person who lived it
Consistently enforce a preferred method of communication or request submission to train others on how to interact with you.
People eventually get the message after consistent enforcement.
one person who lived it
Be polite while expressing your opinions.
You can be opinionated without being impolite.
one person who lived it
Be decisive in low-stakes daily decisions to practice assertiveness.
3 people, independently
Strive for a balance between excessive niceness and rudeness.
5 people, independently
Ask taxi drivers if they can help you practice their native language to engage them positively.
Taxi drivers go from tired to happy and alive when asked to help practice and learn.
one person who lived it
If you help someone move, treat it as a social event with physical effort; the gratitude received often makes it worthwhile.
People are usually grateful for the help.
one person who lived it
work, late, time14
Avoid spreading yourself too thin by saying yes to excessive tasks like working late or on weekends.
It consumes all your free time for socializing.
one person who lived it
Use a written, signed contract for all work, including with friends.
To prevent surprises on either side.
one person who lived it
Protect your energy to improve the quality of your actual work.
The more you protect your energy, the better your work gets.
one person who lived it
Be selective with your time to gain a sense of control and reduce the debilitating feeling of missing out.
It feels awesome to have control of your life.
one person who lived it
10 more on this
Say 'I'll have to check my calendar' to buy yourself time.
It gives you some time.
one person who lived it
Carry extra granola bars or gift cards for fast-food chains to give to people in need.
Gift cards ensure the aid is spent on food.
one person who lived it
Sleep on stressful decisions to gain clarity upon waking.
Things are often much clearer after sleep takes over than when staying up late stressing.
one person who lived it
Decline meetings that could be emails, tasks outside your responsibility, and distracting brainstorming sessions to protect your productivity.
It allows you to finish real work without staying late.
- It may initially feel awkward or rude.
one person who lived it
Accept that work may be unpleasant for the long term and separate your personal life from your job, resuming your real life only after the workday ends.
one person who lived it
Adopt a policy of never working for free to avoid having to do so for everyone and to prevent ruining friendships over errors.
Working for one person implies you must work for everyone; mistakes can damage the relationship.
one person who lived it
Underpromise and overdeliver on timelines.
An elder coworker advised this, and it rings truer as one gets more senior.
one person who lived it
If a client requests work outside the scope, get it cleared through project managers to secure a work order before proceeding.
This ensures you have authorization for billing.
one person who lived it
Add extra time to your timeline estimates to account for unexpected issues.
Someone always comes up with an issue.
one person who lived it
Judge each situation individually to decide how to react.
There is no universal tip that applies to every situation.
one person who lived it
photos, people8
Set a rule that people must ask for your permission before recording or photographing you.
Recording strangers or friends without consent should not be considered normal.
one person who lived it
Do not overthink being included in a stranger's selfie; assume they found it funny or confident rather than serious.
If they didn't want you in it, they would likely delete it or take another one alone.
one person who lived it
Stop hanging out with friends who continue to take and post numerous photos of you after you have voiced your discomfort.
one person who lived it
Initiate group photos by stating you want to capture the moment because you are having a good time.
Many people appreciate being included in pictures.
one person who lived it
4 more on this
Look directly into the camera lens when someone is photographing you without permission.
This unexpected action makes most people feel uncomfortable and causes them to stop.
- Based on one person's experience with this issue.
one person who lived it
Respond to unwanted frequent photos with low-effort reactions like heart emojis without writing text.
It makes the sender happy with zero effort.
one person who lived it
Report unauthorized photography to venue staff immediately to create an official record of the incident.
Venues want to avoid liability and protect their reputation, so they are likely to address the situation seriously.
one person who lived it
Report unauthorized filming to school administration to create a formal record in case harassment escalates.
It creates a record if more harassment happens.
one person who lived it
Dismiss arguments that fail basic sanity checks as nonsense, treating them like spam emails to be deleted rather than engaged with.
Smart people constantly sanity-check statements; dismissing nonsense is not about avoiding disagreement but rejecting invalid data.
one person who lived it