Confidence

Focus on the small number of people who see your worth and ignore feedback from those who only point out negatives.

The vast majority will not like you, so focus on those who think you're awesome.

one person who lived it

Pursue what you love rather than a safe path you dislike, because failing at a dream is preferable to failing at something you never wanted to do.

Failing at an unwanted path feels worse because it wasn't your goal.

one person who lived it

Remind yourself that strangers forget who they walked past within seconds, so their opinion of you is irrelevant.

They will treat you the same way you treat them—by forgetting them quickly.

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• Recognize that you are insignificant to strangers, similar to how you cannot recall details about anyone in a building once you leave.1

Reframe 'being yourself' as becoming the best version of yourself through active improvement, rather than staying static.

Being the best version of yourself is not trying to change who you are inherently; it aligns with actively working to fix problems in your social skills.

• Be careful not to assign greater worth to traits like extroversion and good fitness.

one person who lived it

Cultivate strong self-love so that judgment from others does not affect you.

Loving yourself enough ensures you will be okay even if others think you are weird.

one person who lived it

Work on fixing things that hold you back, but do not change how you present yourself or hide what you really like.

Self-improvement is fine and good, whereas hiding who you are is not being yourself.

one person who lived it

Listen not only to what people say but try to discern how they feel.

This takes time.

one person who lived it

Show up, adjust, and don't quit; try, screw up, learn, and tweak continuously.

This is what people who 'make it' do.

one person who lived it

Look far beyond your 'self' when trying to improve, rather than directing focus only inward.

Focusing only inward is a trap.

one person who lived it

Share details about your own life so people can get to know you and remember you.

If you do not share, people may never remember you even if you remember them.

one person who lived it

Continue trying to be friendly, but set boundaries so that people do not take advantage of your desire for connection.

Those who exploit your need for friends are users and are not good for you.

one person who lived it

Realize you are not superior to others to help recognize that you are not inferior either.

It makes it easier to realize you're not inferior to people.

one person who lived it

Stop taking yourself so seriously to reduce stress and increase laughter.

It leads to less stress and more laughing.

one person who lived it

Do not pretend to be someone you are not, as this leads to making the wrong friends who will eventually move on or slight you.

Acting inauthentically attracts incompatible friends.

one person who lived it

Read 'Ego is the Enemy' by Ryan Holiday.

One person reported that the book changed their life for the better.

2 people, independently

Embrace your true self and identify what makes you stand out rather than trying to force a change.

6 people, independently

• Act as your ideal self until the behavior feels authentic.3
• View being yourself as developing what you have rather than refusing to change or improve.1
• Aim to improve your current self instead of transforming into someone else entirely.3

If you struggle with social skills, actively practice being the future version of yourself you want to be rather than just 'being yourself'.

In time, this new behavior will become your true self.

one person who lived it

React to arrogance with a confused look and continue your business to make the person feel invisible.

It causes them to crumble.

one person who lived it

Calm yourself by taking a deep breath and recognizing that difficult people simply do not know any better, which allows you to feel sorry for them.

This perspective calms you down.

one person who lived it

View 'be yourself' as an effort to become your most improved self.

4 people, independently

• Define being yourself as doing things true to yourself, which allows for change if you are working on it.1
• Separate 'being yourself' (which relates to others) from 'bettering yourself' (which relates to yourself), as these two pursuits are not exclusive.1
• Envision a specific, achievable version of yourself, defining how you want to be perceived, react, and make others feel, then work internally to become that person.1

Do not claim to be humble.

Stating it is not humble.

one person who lived it

Be awkward and confident, as continuing on without correcting yourself can be perceived as charming.

Not stopping to correct yourself signals that you are okay with yourself.

• This perception applies to 'the ones worthwhile'.

one person who lived it

Avoid being a disingenuous people-pleaser or doormat.

You will end up hurting yourself.

one person who lived it

If trying to be 'normal' makes you miserable, stop; own your flaws and unique traits instead.

Authenticity attracts people who appreciate you for who you are.

one person who lived it

Ask people directly what specific behaviors make them perceive you as arrogant.

You cannot fix what you do not understand, and you may discover you are not the one that is broken.

one person who lived it

Use people you currently envy as role models for the qualities you want to improve.

They often possess the specific traits you wish to develop.

one person who lived it

Divide your perceived rating of a social faux pas by two to get a realistic assessment.

Many people judge their mistakes too highly.

one person who lived it

Detach from your ego and fear immediate judgment; instead, fear the regret of not becoming who you could be in 10 years.

one person who lived it

Reduce stress over others' opinions by recognizing that most people play no significant role in your life.

Most of the time, you play no role whatsoever in other people's lives.

one person who lived it

Adopt the mindset that you will be okay no matter what happens.

2 people, independently

Spend a few months socializing with a different group and acting naturally to see if you genuinely want to change your personality.

This approach is more satisfying than drastically changing yourself to fit in.

one person who lived it

Be prudent about the self-descriptions you give people, as they will interpret your future behaviors through those lenses.

You plant confirmation biases in people's heads.

one person who lived it

Stop beating yourself up by accepting that you will not change who you are to satisfy others.

There is no point in self-criticism if you refuse to alter your identity for others' satisfaction.

one person who lived it

Remind yourself that others are absorbed in their own thoughts and insecurities rather than judging you.

It is human nature for people to be focused on themselves; those who judge you are lacking.

one person who lived it

Stop worrying about whether strangers will like or approve of you when entering a room or approaching a group.

Most socially adept people don't worry about the opinions of strangers.

one person who lived it

Adopt the mindset that your personal feelings do not entitle you to social interactions from others.

Personal feelings aren't worth more than anyone else's and others don't owe you social interactions.

one person who lived it

Project confidence in your decision not to drink so others respect it without needing justification.

Friends may be initially thrown off but will quickly realize you do not care about drinking and will respect that.

2 people, independently

Accept that messing up is fine and analyze what went wrong later.

It provides data for future improvement.

one person who lived it

Stop trying to constantly prove yourself; secure people do not need to demonstrate their worth.

one person who lived it

Stop worrying about impressing anyone and listen more to your own judgment than to others' criticism.

Listening to oneself has shown great results.

one person who lived it

Give up on trying to get better to remove performance pressure.

one person who lived it

Present your positive traits first, then gradually introduce your negative traits in manageable amounts.

This allows you to control how people remember you, influencing whether they choose to spend time with you again.

one person who lived it

If you cannot be yourself in your current circle, find a new social group where honesty is valued.

one person who lived it

Learn self-improvement and charisma by reading books, watching videos, and observing people you aspire to be, then emulating what you like about them.

Self improvement and charisma are skills that can be learned.

one person who lived it

Forgive yourself when social interactions go wrong by recognizing that factors outside your control may be responsible.

The other person might simply be having a bad day.

one person who lived it

Assert yourself without worrying about appearing rude; if you feel too aggressive, soften your tone with a smile or a joke.

Your perceived bad qualities are usually exaggerated in your head.

one person who lived it

When accused of negative traits like snobbishness, ask with genuine curiosity why they see that in you.

It may spark an interesting conversation.

one person who lived it

Accept that others' opinions will differ because they possess different information, and do not let those opinions control you.

Other people cannot think the way you do due to the specific information in your mind.

one person who lived it

Let go of the fear of being perceived as an asshole.

Excessive politeness is often a conditioned response to avoid conflict.

one person who lived it

Avoid judging others' spending habits based on your own frugality, as it is irrelevant to your own finances.

You are not buying what they are buying.

one person who lived it

Focus your energy on reasonable people and let unreasonable ones be.

It is logically easier to teach reasonable people to ignore comments than to change weirdos.

one person who lived it

Accept that you are a flawed human being and stop taking yourself so seriously because life is too short.

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Improve your communication skills so others perceive your true self correctly rather than their distorted impression of you.

Poor communication skills can cause people to dislike their perception of you rather than you.

one person who lived it

Take small steps forward without comparing yourself to others, remembering that improvement is not a race.

Comparison is not good.

one person who lived it

Focus on your own opinion of yourself over others' perceptions to reduce worry about social judgment.

Your own opinion is the one that actually matters.

one person who lived it

Let curiosity drive you to pursue new interests and experiences as part of growing up.

Curiosity provides the strength to pursue new experiences.

one person who lived it

Be yourself until you feel shame about an aspect of how you live, seeking lasting change from within rather than because others told you to.

one person who lived it

Treat interactions with grumpy people as opportunities to grow your own empathy.

Positive things will follow.

one person who lived it

Be present and authentic in the moment without overthinking, allowing words to flow naturally.

3 people, independently

Maintain politeness and a good mood around nasty people.

Their inability to match your positivity can frustrate them, while genuine friends will gravitate toward you.

one person who lived it

Fix your smile and walk taller; one person reported this changed how they were treated.

one person who lived it

Take pride in helping others even when you are financially tight; it reflects well on your character.

one person who lived it

Practice radical personal responsibility and honesty by admitting when you are wrong and working on solutions, rather than lying to yourself or others.

Accountability and honesty led to positive life changes.

one person who lived it

Question the assumption that you must play specific roles, such as a 'good party guest,' in every situation.

Subconsciously adopting different roles for everything creates unnecessary pressure.

one person who lived it

Do not take negative or neutral reactions personally; the other person may be shy, insecure, or having a bad day.

3 people, independently

Apply the Triple Filter Test before sharing information: verify if the claim is true, if it is good/benevolent, and if it is useful to the listener.

This separates useful information from gossip.

one person who lived it

Enter competitive activities where you will be defeated by experts to learn humility.

Being destroyed by someone who knows their craft teaches humility.

one person who lived it

Act with confidence before you feel it, recognizing that behavior shifts mindset.

Actions precede mindset changes; growth moves from unconscious failure to unconscious success.

one person who lived it

Recognize that success may stem from being born with social advantages rather than secret tricks.

one person who lived it

Check if you are constantly seeking validation, as this can appear arrogant.

It comes across as 'look at me,' whereas humility is generally appreciated.

one person who lived it

Train yourself to speak kindly to yourself, recognizing that errors are acceptable.

3 people, independently

Adjust your behavior to fit your audience and maintain moderation to avoid being perceived as stuck-up or obnoxious.

People may judge identical behaviors differently based on context and perception.

one person who lived it

Remind yourself that angry people look ridiculous and stupid when flustered over material issues.

They look stupid because they are losing their composure over trivial matters, whereas you remain composed.

one person who lived it

If you are unhappy with who you are, intentionally change yourself by repeatedly acting out the ideal version you choose (e.g., being more assertive) until it becomes mindless, recognizing that your ideal self is generated by your own choices.

one person who lived it

Find a balance between being your true self and meeting social expectations.

7 people, independently

Cultivate non-neediness by accepting that you cannot make others like you and being comfortable with failure.

one person who lived it

Make your own mistakes and challenge your own beliefs to avoid becoming a blind follower, then seek people who respect that independence.

one person who lived it

Study Bowen family systems theory, specifically differentiation and the concept of a solid self versus a pseudo self.

It contains great information on maintaining a solid self.

one person who lived it

Master self-expression to translate your experiences properly instead of viewing social struggles as inferiority.

Struggles often stem from ineptitude in translating experiences into self-expression, not from being inferior.

one person who lived it

Project optimism and openness in social interactions instead of masking insecurities with annoyance or anger.

An attitude of optimism equals pleasure in social engagement, while projecting a closed disposition equates to being unfriendly and rude.

one person who lived it

Unapologetically display your preferences and improvements.

Doing so makes it easier for compatible people to find you.

one person who lived it

Combine kindness with assertiveness.

They pair amazingly together and are not mutually exclusive.

one person who lived it

Address annoyances immediately rather than stewing in frustration.

Stewing leads to exploding, which appears as an overreaction.

one person who lived it

Take accountability and admit when you are wrong instead of blaming others or making excuses.

Lack of accountability and refusing to admit fault becomes exhausting.

one person who lived it

Remember that everyone, regardless of status, has basic human vulnerabilities like needing to use the toilet.

Everyone is only human and shares basic biological functions.

one person who lived it

• Remind yourself that everyone shares basic biological needs like eating, sleeping, and using the bathroom.1

Stop mean self-talk by consciously redirecting focus or replacing negative thoughts with positive ones.

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Remind yourself that you are the universe experiencing itself and therefore cannot get it wrong.

one person who lived it

Reject the belief in a 'master race,' recognizing such ideas as stereotypes.

one person who lived it

Reduce self-consciousness by realizing that the world does not focus on you and that adults become more self-aware while caring less about others' opinions compared to children.

one person who lived it

Follow basic rules of socializing even when being authentic.

Unfiltered authenticity can come across as obnoxious and give off bad vibes.

one person who lived it

Avoid making cringingly unfunny self-deprecating jokes if they reveal insecurity.

It makes the situation worse.

one person who lived it

Recognize that inflation affects many people.

Economic conditions are widespread, not individual failures.

one person who lived it

Turn social faux pas into jokes at your own expense to become more likable and relatable.

Self-deprecating humor increases likability and relatability.

one person who lived it

View social hierarchy as temporary, recognizing that everyone shares the same destiny of being born, living, and dying.

one person who lived it

Build rules for good behavior by learning from mistakes, such as checking for rings before asking someone out.

one person who lived it

Set boundaries calmly without anger to maintain assertiveness and gain respect.

6 people, independently

Reframe conversations as opportunities for either success or comedy, rather than success or failure.

one person who lived it

Imitate only one specific trait from a character, such as confidence, while remaining yourself in other aspects.

one person who lived it

Pass along compliments you receive for items made by others to the creators.

We often forget to transfer compliments to those who made things for us.

one person who lived it

Praise employees in public and condemn them in private.

This keeps a person's integrity and helps employees respect you.

one person who lived it

Do not give a stranger a compliment if your motive is romantic or sexual interest.

It feels less genuine and can be perceived as a tactic to start talking.

one person who lived it

Stop apologizing for minor inconveniences or self-conscious traits, as most people do not notice them until you draw attention to it.

Apologizing does not change their opinion when they do notice.

one person who lived it

Give compliments that may serve as a future source of self-confidence for the recipient.

They may remember your words when doubting themselves later.

one person who lived it

If someone insults you, loudly say 'what' to force them to repeat it.

Repeating the insult often removes the humor and embarrasses the speaker.

2 people, independently

Seek real-time feedback to improve immediately rather than waiting for formal reviews.

Real-time feedback is more effective and allows for immediate improvement instead of waiting six months.

one person who lived it

Address disrespect directly by discussing how the other person's actions affected you, without being an asshole.

It brings a good time to discuss why they don't show you respect.

one person who lived it

Ensure compliments are genuine and spontaneous to avoid awkwardness.

Awkwardness usually happens because the compliment didn't feel genuine.

• Do not compliment something you do not actually like.

one person who lived it

Apologize for and confess voluntary wrongdoings.

It demonstrates strength and stability, and helps you learn what is right.

one person who lived it

• Deliver necessary apologies with confidence to appear strong rather than submissive.1

Consider whether the issue can be fixed quickly or if it is something the other person cannot control before offering blunt feedback.

Many people are cruel under the guise of brutal honesty when they are just being mean.

one person who lived it

If you are in a rush, politely tell people you will follow up later, then return to them afterward to continue the conversation and apologize for being in a rush.

People understand this behavior.

one person who lived it

Claim you do not speak English to quickly disengage from charity workers.

By the time they puzzle out what happened, you have already walked past them.

one person who lived it

Use 'At your convenience, please...' or 'At your earliest convenience, please...' in business emails.

It is polite while still putting the responsibility in the recipient's court.

one person who lived it

Use silence or claim ignorance for subtler attacks to purposefully take note of them.

Ignoring these attacks signals that you will not take direct attacks, making them less likely to continue.

one person who lived it

Replace 'very' with stronger, more precise adjectives to make writing more formal and articulate.

Using 'very' is often a lazy habit that fails to emphasize ; specific words present a neutral tone better than intensifiers.

• Use 'very cold' rather than 'frigid' for frank, less evocative writing or international audiences.

one person who lived it

Speak sincerely and positively about others behind their backs.

Hearing someone speak well of you behind your back is highly valued.

one person who lived it

Center your apology on the specific harm you caused, rather than criticizing your own character or dwelling on self-blame.

Apologizing for personal flaws can seem manipulative, make the listener uncomfortable, and shift the emotional weight onto them instead of accepting responsibility.

3 people, independently

Reject non-apologies that shift blame onto the victim, such as 'sorry you got offended.'

It's so insensitive

one person who lived it

Keep compliments simple and non-flirty; avoid language that could be interpreted as sexual or overly personal.

Women often want to go about their day without being bothered by flirty or crude advances.

one person who lived it

Precede statements with 'I heard that...' to present information as another perspective rather than a correction.

It opens up conversation.

one person who lived it

Do not interpret a lack of romantic interest personally.

One person noted it is often just a matter of timing rather than anything personal.

one person who lived it

Keep apologies short and remove explanations unless specifically asked.

Explanations are for you, not them, and can sound like excuses or indicate something else is wrong.

2 people, independently

Avoid the word 'obviously' in professional communication.

Clients may interpret it as implying that only an idiot would not know the information.

one person who lived it

Apologize with the firm intention that the mistake will not happen again.

Otherwise, future apologies may not be believed.

one person who lived it

If you receive a compliment, simply say 'thank you' and move on rather than deflecting with self-deprecation.

Self-deprecating responses can easily cross into insulting the person giving the compliment.

one person who lived it

Deliver a compliment briefly and then physically disengage, such as by sitting down or walking away without breaking stride.

This gives the recipient respectful distance and avoids trapping them in an awkward interaction.

2 people, independently

Say 'Thank you, you've been very helpful' to signal satisfaction and end the interaction politely.

It communicates that you have been satisfied and that the interaction is over; if they still look angry, it is not your fault.

one person who lived it

Read 'Influence: The Psychology of Persuasion' to understand persuasion tactics, such as using the word 'because' when asking for favors.

It lets you understand people and helped with inviting people or asking for favors, specifically regarding the use of the word 'because'.

one person who lived it

Use head nods to display respect and observe body language, as most communication is non-verbal.

Head nods earn and display respect; most communication occurs through body language.

one person who lived it

Say 'excuse me' instead of 'sorry' when bumping into people or needing to pass.

3 people, independently

Trust your gut and use original compliments rather than generic ones, adjusting your approach based on feedback.

Original thoughts are more appealing as people are tired of the same old lines.

one person who lived it

Use innuendo in social interactions to avoid confrontation.

It allows both parties to save face, maintain human dignity, and protects the receiver from the difficulty of direct questions.

one person who lived it

Avoid oversharing early on in relationships.

It burdens others, is not endearing, and can cause awkwardness or hurt; understanding when to escalate intimacy helps prevent this.

one person who lived it

Express gratitude for unexpected help, as even the offer can reduce feelings of misery.

The offer itself makes one feel less miserable.

one person who lived it

Avoid elongated 'well's as they can signal disagreement or stalling for excuses.

They often imply disagreement without explanation or indicate stalling to generate an excuse.

• Sometimes the usage is merited.

one person who lived it

Do not disguise cruelty as honesty or bluntness.

Thinking bluntness gives permission to be disrespectful gets unattractive very quickly.

one person who lived it

Make compliments specific and personal to elicit a stronger emotional response.

More personal compliments result in stronger emotional responses and are easier leads into conversation.

one person who lived it

Avoid commenting on hair texture or color across ethnic lines, particularly regarding African-textured hair or red hair from a different ethnicity.

Such comments can be perceived as offensive, fetishistic, or reminiscent of colonialist fantasies.

one person who lived it

Compliment specific, non-sexual items like glasses or jackets instead of attractiveness.

This avoids giving the wrong impression of romantic interest.

one person who lived it

Ensure your apology contains genuine empathy and acknowledges specific actions and feelings, rather than offering hollow phrases like 'I'm sorry you feel that way' to fulfill social expectations.

Without empathy, words ring hollow; real apologies acknowledge actions, specific feelings, and commitments for change.

one person who lived it

After an awkward interaction involving romantic interest, act like nothing happened instead of sending multiple explanatory texts.

Text bombing makes it weirder.

one person who lived it

Limit yourself to one compliment per interaction.

Multiple compliments can sound obsessive, fetishistic, or boost ego to the point of ignoring you.

one person who lived it

Laugh off a mishearing rather than apologizing.

It goes better than just apologizing.

one person who lived it

Reframe over-apologizing not as admitting fault, but as showing grace.

one person who lived it

Share stories, pictures, or videos smartly to signal connection rather than oversharing.

It communicates that you like the person and are sharing specifically with them.

one person who lived it

Practice directness without malice, ensuring you do not deliberately offend someone.

3 people, independently

Use smilies in text messages to provide metacommunication and clarify tone.

They are metacommunication.

one person who lived it

Deliver compliments in a low-key manner rather than enthusiastically.

Spontaneous compliments are typically low-key, not enthusiastic.

one person who lived it

Understand that women in Western society may apologize more frequently due to societal expectations.

as a society it's what is expected

one person who lived it

Frame corrections or requests as questions rather than accusations so the other person can correct themselves without defensiveness.

one person who lived it

Ask questions during conversations to show you care about what is being said.

It builds trust and respect.

one person who lived it

• Make observations and vocalize them during conversations instead of asking questions.1

Join a conversation group through a friend who is already present, letting them do most of the social work.

You get more friends while the friend handles the effort.

one person who lived it

Say 'excuse me' and wait for the person to listen before asking your question.

It helps ensure you are heard by getting their full attention first.

one person who lived it

Spend time with well-liked people who have strong conversation skills and learn from them to improve your own abilities.

Learning from them helps you level up quickly.

one person who lived it

If you want nicer treatment from others, try smiling at everyone and wishing them well.

One person reported that people treat them much nicer when they do this.

one person who lived it

Keep your gaze at eye level instead of looking down, practicing until it feels natural so you appear friendly and inviting.

Looking friendly and inviting may cause complete strangers to greet you.

• It may feel awkward at first.

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Talk to the bartender if you arrive early and the bar is not busy.

They may chat with you and introduce you to regulars.

2 people, independently

Improve eye contact and ask questions to show interest and reduce self-consciousness when talking to talkative people.

Poor eye contact may make them feel you don't want to relate.

one person who lived it

If you are starting college or high school, join campus organizations and clubs to meet people.

One person found this helped them make connections during those times.

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Ask 'How’s your day going?' instead of 'How are you?' to encourage more honest and open responses from strangers.

People respond better to this question and open up more.

one person who lived it

Act as if you are already friends catching up when meeting someone new.

It works a charm.

one person who lived it

Treat conversations like jazz improvisation: listen for the rhythm to find natural moments to speak and limit how long you hold the floor.

It helps get your opinion heard.

one person who lived it

Stop looking at your phone constantly and smile more to appear engaged.

It helps.

one person who lived it

Actively seek fun and be silly in social settings.

It allows others to be silly too, and people are attracted to it because they secretly want that too.

one person who lived it

Inquire about someone's day, hobbies, or distinctive features like tattoos, and offer sincere praise.

People generally enjoy discussing themselves and their preferences, and they appreciate compliments.

• be genuine

3 people, independently

• Start conversations by complimenting something specific, like a shirt, and asking a related question.3

Learn social dynamics through trial and error by interacting with many people.

Those who interact with many people learn these things faster.

one person who lived it

Learn body language to help navigate social events and mingling situations.

One person reported that learning about body language helps a lot.

• Based on one person's experience.

one person who lived it

Talk to attractive people like normal persons to avoid falling under their spell.

Talking to them like normal persons gets you farther than compliments.

one person who lived it

Simply be present, ask questions, and react normally in conversations.

Most people just want someone easy to be around.

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• Initiate conversations by asking simple questions relevant to the immediate situation, such as commenting on their activity or asking about lunch.9

Make friends with bartenders or regulars at local sports bars to help adjust to a new city.

One person found that connecting with locals who watched sports together helped them adjust to a new city.

one person who lived it

Ask open-ended questions to let the other person do most of the talking.

It makes you appear more interesting and increases your success rate.

one person who lived it

Practice saying 'hi' or 'good morning' to random strangers to build the habit of initiating contact.

It makes it less awkward to approach people you are attracted to because you have already called your own bluff.

one person who lived it

Drag out simple sentences in conversation by adding details or reactions instead of giving short answers.

This helps make good conversation.

2 people, independently

Start with text-based communication before attempting face-to-face interaction.

Texting can be easier than face-to-face talking for some people.

one person who lived it

Keep saying 'hi' or 'have a good one' to stay engaged with people you have met.

This keeps the connection open for future opportunities to hang out or spend time together.

one person who lived it

Share your contact details rather than requesting theirs to lower the pressure.

6 people, independently

Accept that determining which strangers are open to conversation requires trial and error, as reactions vary widely.

Strangers are varied: some find it rude, some love it, and others hope someone will talk to them.

one person who lived it

Continue asking for help regardless of the service worker's demeanor, as you are a paying customer and helping you is their job.

Whether they are smiling or stoic does not matter.

one person who lived it

Focus on finding out what interests the other person rather than just trying to further the conversation.

Asking lame questions or sticking to safe, boring topics fails to engage the other person.

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Put yourself in situations where you have a specific topic to discuss, rather than relying on small talk.

Having something specific to talk about makes it much easier to engage with others.

one person who lived it

Read 'How to Talk to Anyone' or its summary for practical tips on starting and keeping conversations going.

The book provides good practical advice on these topics.

one person who lived it

• Read the book 'Conversationally Speaking' to help get started with social skills.1

Wave and smile at people who are recording you to turn the interaction into a positive experience.

It is great to make someone's day.

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Ask people if they have tried local food to engage in small talk.

People love to talk about trivial topics and will like you for it.

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• Facilitate small talk by asking questions, pretending to be interested, and listening well.1

Temper your social behavior by avoiding blurting out niche interests that others don't share, so they can connect with you.

People try to connect, but cannot talk to you if you discuss things they know nothing about.

one person who lived it

Strike up conversations with strangers in crowded places, as many secretly hope someone will mix up their day.

Many people are secretly hoping for this interaction.

one person who lived it

In conversations, look for details to follow up on instead of asking repetitive questions or one-upping their stories.

Asking the same things or one-upping gets repetitive.

one person who lived it

Keep enthusiasm in check during initial interactions with men, as they may have higher social barriers.

they have higher 'social walls' so to speak

one person who lived it

Act on your immediate inclinations to socialize, such as making a silly comment or introducing yourself.

Doing so can lead to positive responses, such as people expressing they look forward to spending time with you.

one person who lived it

Keep your body language open by standing with your back straight, pointing your body toward others, and avoiding crossed arms.

Body language is important.

2 people, independently

Ask for directions instead of the time to initiate a conversation, as it opens up more dialogue.

It opens up more conversation than asking for the time.

one person who lived it

• Start small talk by asking about weekend activities early in the week or weekend plans later in the week.3

Use short, humorous quips related to the immediate shared situation to break the ice.

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Seek employment in roles requiring constant interaction with strangers, such as customer service, to practice being upbeat and engaging.

These environments force you to interact with hundreds of random people daily, building social skills through necessity.

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Keep asking questions to keep people engaged.

People love talking about themselves.

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• Ask questions to encourage extroverts to talk about themselves so you do not have to carry the conversation.3

Use leading questions about a pet to encourage the owner to talk.

It helps them relate easily and opens up conversation.

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Allow arrogant people to talk about themselves while you daydream, using minimal encouragers like 'oh really' or 'that's hilarious' to keep them engaged.

They are easy to talk to and will talk for hours if given the floor.

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Pay for the person behind you at a drive-thru to generate instant smiles for everyone involved.

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Initiate quick, quirky conversations in brief encounters like elevators to practice thinking on your feet and getting used to stepping out of your comfort zone.

It helps you realize that messing up is fine.

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Join clubs to find avenues for conversation, unless you are in a class that encourages peer interaction.

Otherwise, you may not find many opportunities to talk without stepping outside your comfort zone.

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• Join hobby groups to create natural contexts for striking up conversations and getting comfortable with socializing.3

Focus on discussing a passion or doing something you enjoy rather than focusing on the other person's gender.

This eliminates inhibition and shows your best self.

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Open conversations with an engaging question to help the other person forget the awkwardness of the situation.

They will likely ignore the oddity of the context and focus on answering you.

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Commit to initiating conversation with at least one total stranger daily for a defined duration.

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Ask a barista for their favorite drink recommendation and order it.

It provides extra social practice and allows you to try new drinks.

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Be actively available by making plans and reaching out to people.

If you make people feel good about themselves, they will respond positively.

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Look for open body language before talking to someone; if they appear approachable, proceed, but if they are wearing headphones or looking down, leave them be.

• Be sure it's not an interruption or imposition.

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If you think the gym isn't for you, try going anyway; one person found a best friend there despite their initial reluctance.

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Pursue genuine interest in other people rather than trying to make yourself interesting to incentivize them to seek you out.

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Practice giving compliments on cashiers to build social comfort.

Cashiers serve as good 'social batting practice'.

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Break eye contact frequently; do not force it if it feels unnatural.

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• Look at a person's forehead or nose if direct eye contact is difficult.4

Make it a daily goal to chat with strangers to practice social interaction.

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Smile at everyone you pass while riding your bike on local trails as practice.

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Practice small talk and compliments with salespeople.

They expect such interactions.

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Read books on communication and social skills to learn practical techniques.

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View socializing as an opportunity to learn from others' experiences and perspectives.

One person finds value in learning so much more from people's experiences and perspectives.

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Use eye contact, smiling, and open body language to signal that you notice others, which may encourage them to initiate conversation.

Non-verbal cues act like conversations themselves.

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Give genuine compliments to strangers, such as on their appearance or outfit, to initiate positive interactions.

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• Begin with small gestures like smiling at others or offering a morning greeting.3

Ask follow-up questions relevant to the current discussion to maintain natural flow during silences, rather than asking random questions.

Relevant questions create a natural flow, whereas random questions can sound forced, unnatural, and robotic.

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Initiate casual conversations with strangers without expectations of romance or deep connection.

Removing expectations allows for normal, low-pressure interaction.

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Use selling items online as a way to force interactions with strangers, leveraging monetary reward as motivation.

It provides a literal monetary motivator and forces interaction.

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Use prepared prompts, such as asking about someone's weekend or week ahead, to structure interactions and engage fully.

It reduces intimidation because rejection is less daunting once experienced.

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Enjoy conversations by talking about things that excite you and are meaningful to you.

Talking about exciting and meaningful topics helps you enjoy the conversation.

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Talk about yourself genuinely in conversations.

Being genuine is nice.

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If you have an extroverted friend willing to mentor you, let them introduce you to activities you wouldn't normally try on your own.

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Initiate interactions without acting shy or seeking permission to talk to someone.

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Consult the 'Ask A Manager' blog for interview strategies.

It contains helpful advice on maximizing interview performance.

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Make brief eye contact with everyone upon entering a room to establish micro-engagement.

It acknowledges everyone, establishes rapport, and makes jumping into conversation easier.

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Hold a sign with a simple greeting like 'hi' to help with low-pressure interactions, which can also increase comfort in making eye contact and saying hi without the sign later.

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Start conversations with casual, current topics that require no inside knowledge.

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Begin socializing through low-pressure actions, like strolling locally and greeting passersby.

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Take up space, act confident, and be genuine to attract others.

People gravitate towards you when you are unbothered and proud.

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Define confidence as the acceptance that others do not have to like your actions, which allows you to remain unshaken if things go wrong.

Confident people aren't shaken up by unexpected or wrong outcomes because they accept others don't have to like their actions.

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• Define confidence as the ability to speak and act while trusting you will be okay, rather than knowing exactly what to do.1

Pretend to be confident even when you are afraid, acting like a good actor.

One person found this makes them actually confident.

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• Project self-assurance and behave calmly until the demeanor feels genuine.5

If others perceive you as a leader or attractive but you fail to lead conversations, lean into that belief and work toward confidence.

They are offering you the lead; failing to take it may confuse others.

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Build confidence while staying humble.

Confidence is described as your greatest weapon.

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Set and accomplish personal goals or tasks you have been wanting to do to build confidence through pride in completion.

Completing desired actions leads to pride and gradual confidence gain.

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Identify things that make you feel less confident and find ways to work with, around, or change them.

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Reach a state of complete happiness with yourself so that external outcomes, such as getting a partner or promotion, do not alter your genuine self-satisfaction.

This allows you to start radiating confidence because you know your worth is independent of those outcomes.

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Listen to confidence-boosting music before going out.

It helps some people feel more confident.

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Practice stating bold assertions in the mirror until you can say them without laughing; being completely confident in something others might think is insane eliminates fear in the real world.

It signals readiness and removes fear.

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Project calm assuredness to make others believe what you say.

The manner of delivery can compel belief in your statements.

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Care about your appearance by buying nice clothes, getting clean haircuts, and exercising.

One person reported that this approach made their confidence skyrocket.

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Read 'Atomic Habits' to build good habits that increase confidence.

Building good habits helped build confidence.

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Become confident by being honest with others instead of trying to convince them you are confident.

Trying to convince others makes you less charismatic; honesty builds actual confidence.

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Build confidence through experience rather than thinking or pretending.

Confidence can only be built through experience.

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Speak with confidence rather than hesitation to make your statements appear normal.

Confidence makes things seem normal, while hesitation makes people question why you are speaking.

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Leverage caring deeply about someone or something to boost confidence.

Confidence goes up when helping someone or caring deeply.

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Pretend you are interviewing the employer to judge if they are worth working for.

Adopting this mindset reduces pressure and boosts confidence, based on one person's experience turning a formal interview into a successful habit.

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Build competence in any area to spill over into social confidence.

Competence breeds confidence and spills into other areas.

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Focus on developing genuine self-confidence and the ability to playfully spar with strangers, rather than mimicking specific catchphrases or rapid-fire speech patterns.

Rapid-fire, catchphrase-ridden speech is not an effective goal; being sure of yourself is a reasonable goal.

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Define true confidence as recognizing when you do not belong in a social circle and seeking out like-minded people instead of forcing a bond.

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Maintain eye contact to project confidence and avoid appearing skittish.

Looking down or avoiding eye contact signals skittishness.

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Accept that social confidence is a skill you will always grow in and never reach perfection.

Growth happens slowly and often goes unnoticed; realizing imperfection allows for continuous improvement.

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Distinguish between confidence (internal capability, quiet) and cockiness (external validation seeking, loud).

Confidence comes from within and doesn't care whether others believe it, whereas cockiness constantly tries to convince others because they don't actually feel capable.

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Make sure you completely understand what you are talking about before speaking with senior leaders.

That will help overcome uncertainty and insecurities.

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Define confidence as liking yourself regardless of what other people say.

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• Define confidence as allowing others to have the spotlight without feeling your own worth diminish.1

Practice standing in front of a mirror to break habitual insecure body language and adopt confident, purposeful movement.

You are likely used to standing nervously; practicing helps replace fidgeting with confidence.

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Read fictional books featuring confident characters.

It may subconsciously increase your own confidence.

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If you feel insecure after a disagreement, recognize that assertiveness and confidence in your opinions often improve with age and experience.

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Clarify that confidence is neither cocky nor arrogant; distinguish dislike of those traits from confidence itself.

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Project confidence by viewing yourself positively; one person found that while others didn't notice their physique, they did respond to this confidence.

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Gain some muscle to deter bullies without fighting.

One person found that gaining even a small amount of muscle stopped the need to fight.

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Reframe embarrassment as a future story to share with new people or to amuse a crowd.

It can strengthen bonds and get people talking.

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Start small and develop social skills gradually rather than turning your sociability dial from zero to ten all at once.

Turning the dial too fast can scare people off and leave you feeling isolated.

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Keep trying to interact despite feeling awkward.

The awkwardness is all in your head, and you will eventually stop caring about it if you keep trying.

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Treat social adjustment like acting: play a character who leans back, nods slowly, and speaks slower.

This approach helps you chill out and appear more composed.

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• Pretend to be outgoing or confident in social situations using the 'fake it until you make it' approach.8
• Adopt a cheerful and confident persona when interacting with strangers until that behavior becomes natural.1

When you feel ridiculous or self-deprecating, step back and focus on the positive effect the action has on your social skills to push through those thoughts.

Seeing the positive effect helps you keep at it.

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Force yourself to try new things and interact with people despite discomfort.

One person reported this helped them overcome awkwardness.

• Based on one person's experience.

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Push through the initial 'awkward bubble' of social interactions.

It gets easier after pushing through.

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• Push yourself to interact socially and accept awkward moments, understanding that others rarely notice your discomfort.8

If you want to feel more extroverted, put effort into your appearance and makeup on days when you need a boost.

Feeling better about how you look makes you feel more extroverted.

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Practice social skills in low-stakes environments like grocery stores or coffee shops where the outcome doesn't matter.

Social skills are built through practice, not talent, and you should not practice on people you are trying to befriend or impress.

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Respond to bullies with brief phrases like 'Attitude' or 'be civil,' then walk away.

One person found this word very effective.

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Do bold adventures and scary things to prove to yourself that you can survive.

Coming out the other side makes other people's capacity to intimidate you vanish.

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If you struggle with planning, start with spontaneous, imperfect lists to build structure over time.

Perfect planning often leads to giving up; adding random tasks to a list can help structure build gradually.

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Talk to people you find intimidating to realize they are as human as you.

Getting to know someone helps the intimidation factor wear off.

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Acknowledge the embarrassment and continue on your way, recognizing that strangers will forget what happened within minutes.

Strangers do not know your name or recognize your face.

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Focus on taking the first step of initiating action, as overcoming this initial hurdle makes the rest easier.

The first step is the hardest part; once initiated, subsequent steps become easy.

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Stop identifying as a 'shy person' to avoid adopting a limiting identity that prevents social effort.

Believing you are shy leads to taking on that identity and not trying to be more social.

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Set a visible goal to overcome the fear of approaching people.

It makes the mission easier despite rejection.

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Push yourself into social interactions to practice and realize that people are not inherently hard to talk to.

We often make people seem difficult in our heads, but practice reveals they aren't.

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Practice being fine if a social interaction does not go as expected.

Knowing you will be fine no matter the outcome builds outcome independence.

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Identify the worst-case scenario of a situation and immediately accept it to reduce its power over you.

Accepting the outcome allows you to learn and improve next time rather than fearing failure.

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Reframe awkward moments as stepping stones toward becoming more comfortable in your own skin.

This shift in mindset lessens fear of awkwardness.

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• Embrace awkwardness, recognizing that it is often our interpretation of the awkwardness that stops us.1
• Acknowledge that awkwardness is a standard part of developing social skills and cease self-punishment for it.3

Choose to engage socially even when you feel nervous.

The decision to act is what enables positive outcomes.

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Place yourself in uncomfortable scenarios to work through fear.

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Step out of your comfort zone and initiate interactions even if you expect them to go poorly.

Being uncomfortable means you are making progress, and repetition engrains these experiences into your subconscious to improve social skills.

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• Be shameless about starting conversations oddly to gain experience.1
• Expose yourself to slightly uncomfortable social situations in small, manageable increments rather than overwhelming steps.2

Learn social skills by changing habits, getting repetitions, and adapting.

Social skills are learned, not just innate.

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Look into the work of experts on social topics to improve social presence.

One person reported their cold vibe thawed considerably after doing so.

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During presentations, act as the teacher and ignore or laugh off unexpected mishaps.

You are the teacher for the length of the presentation, and fearing failure guarantees it will happen.

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If you feel cold or awkward smiling at strangers, imagine everyone has angel wings to foster a sense of shared connection.

This visualization helps you view others as part of your group, making smiles feel natural rather than creepy.

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Practice new social behaviors until they become natural and routine.

The hardest part is remembering to do it.

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Allow yourself to shake after a confrontation rather than trying to stop it.

Shaking is a normal recovery response from adrenaline and stress.

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Remember how good it feels to be approached warmly and replicate that feeling for others to overcome apprehension.

Knowing the positive feeling of receiving warmth helps get over the fear of talking to people.

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Challenge yourself with small daily tasks, such as texting a friend once a week, then gradually take on bigger challenges.

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Use humor to unload tension in social situations.

It is good at unloading tension.

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Power through an embarrassing public speaking gaffe by laughing along with the audience, making a joke about it, and transitioning to something more heartfelt.

This approach helped one person take control again.

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Give genuine compliments to help overcome social awkwardness.

Being genuinely positive has worked tremendously for one socially awkward person.

• Based on one person's experience.

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Gain significant experience interacting with women to make feelings of intimidation more manageable.

Experience helps manage the feeling, though it may never fully disappear.

• The feeling of nervousness may never fully disappear, even for experts.

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Smile big and laugh.

You've immediately dodged the embarrassment of shame.

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Join online groups as practice for social interaction.

It reduces pressure because you can leave if you start feeling uncomfortable.

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Practice simple social tasks repeatedly over long periods to build experience and comfort.

Repetition adds tools and experiences that make similar future situations feel more comfortable.

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If an encounter escalates, focus on safety by leaving the situation rather than trying to respond or win.

Not feeling pressured to respond demonstrates a lack of intimidation.

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Adopt the mindset that 'I'm awesome' during conversations to help maintain positivity.

This mindset helps with being positive.

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Observe people in everyday settings who appear likable and appreciated, then adopt their successful social behaviors.

Adopting these behaviors fills social gaps over time.

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Make social interaction process-oriented by slowly increasing the difficulty of challenges rather than facing unsurmountable tasks.

Small victories reveal warped misconceptions about trivial actions.

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Consciously look for positive things in others during social situations.

One person reported this made them more relaxed, reduced negative or anxious thoughts, and led to automatically noticing positives.

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Practice conversations beforehand to reduce awkwardness, even if you feel socially inept.

Preparation can make interactions feel less awkward.

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Actively engage in manageable confrontations or disagreements to normalize uncomfortable situations and gain experience.

This helps you get comfortable with conflict.

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Relax your vocal chords and release tension through techniques like chi gong to improve tone and depth.

One person found this made their voice deeper and improved its tone.

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Slow down your movements and speech, adopt relaxed body language such as leaning back and uncrossing your arms, and speak slowly to articulate better and gain time to think.

Speaking slowly allows for better articulation and more time to think.

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• Slow down your speech and take it easy during conversations.1

Practice passing gas quietly while alone to build a repertoire of techniques for various situations.

Practice makes perfect and helps you find what works best.

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Practice raising your voice above your usual volume for sustained periods to train your vocal cords.

Your vocal cords will eventually get used to the higher volume.

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Improve your humor and social skills by learning public speaking and storytelling to find your voice.

Finding your voice through storytelling makes social interactions easier.

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Structure your stories into a setup, climax, and conclusion before telling them.

This improves your delivery.

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Stand up when speaking to activate abdominal muscles for better projection.

Sitting down prevents you from activating as many ab muscles.

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Make the first move in social interactions by asking questions, as quietness is often misinterpreted as disinterest or discomfort.

People may assume you don't want to talk or are uncomfortable if you are quiet.

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Do not force conversation if there is none to be had.

Forcing it makes the situation awkward.

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Work through 'The Assertiveness Workbook' by Randy Paterson to learn how to stand up for yourself.

It helps internalize assertiveness, moving from passive to aggressive tendencies.

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If you have nothing to say, lean into the silence and avoid panicking.

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Seek out people who are comfortable with quietness if you are introverted.

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Accept the label of 'the quiet one' to help coworkers accept it, and prepare for awkward conversations where you have nothing in common.

Accepting the label is the first step to having coworkers accept it as well.

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Actively listen to others in social interactions, even if you have little to contribute yourself.

Few people try to listen these days.

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Read 'Quiet' by Susan Cain if you enjoy quietness.

It provides perspective and validation.

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Record your conversations to listen for dull or off-putting verbal habits.

Hearing yourself reveals why interactions may seem dull.

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Avoid nervous, maniacal laughter in social interactions.

It can be perceived as worse than being serious.

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Bring a book to the bar to occupy yourself and potentially attract conversation.

It helps avoid boredom if you are not very extroverted and can't easily chat up random people.

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If you struggle with outgoing social demands, target quiet, autonomous jobs like data entry, research, or technical writing.

These roles do not require being outgoing and are pretty autonomous.

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Avoid interrupting people who appear busy, are talking to someone else, or have headphones on.

It can feel like an aggressive interaction.

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Read 'The Social Skills Guidebook' by Chris Macleod for insights on social interactions.

A therapist recommended it as covering these topics.

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Do not conflate extroversion with arrogance; recognize that introverts can be egotistical and extroverts can be insecure.

These traits are not correlated; one has met quiet people who think they're smarter than everyone else and loud party-goers who are terribly insecure.

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Emphatically tell interrupters to let you finish speaking.

Talking over someone louder does not make a difference.

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Eliminate time-wasting habits, such as frequent social media checking, to make room for important events.

These habits are analogous to life stuttering and prevent engagement with more important events.

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Switch from solitary hobbies like video games to social ones like board games to force social interaction.

Social hobbies require interaction, unlike single-player activities.

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Invest in yourself to generate positive energy and confidence without needing to be extroverted.

Interesting people radiate self-generated positive energy that does not require outgoing behavior.

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Avoid making every conversation about yourself, bragging, interrupting, or seeking constant validation.

Such behavior becomes emotionally draining.

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Consciously balance negative inner dialogue with positive comments during social interactions to create better conversations.

This approach leads to better conversations for those with negative inner dialogue.

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Remove headphones upon entering social spaces.

Having them on provides an excuse to avoid talking.

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If you feel awkward at a social event, put away your phone and actively seek conversation to overcome isolation.

Passive behaviors like scrolling reinforce isolation, while active engagement breaks the ice.

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If a business refuses a refund, recognize it as a tactic to make you give up so they can keep the money; do not feel guilty for insisting on your rights.

Businesses use this psychological trick because they want you to stop fighting so they can retain the funds.

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Be aware that multiple same-price withdrawals or consecutive charges in a short time may trigger fraud alerts and freeze your account.

Bank algorithms may interpret these patterns as attempts to defraud.

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If your card declines, calmly explain that you need to resolve the issue and return later.

Cashiers generally do not care, and other customers likely understand the situation.

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Call your bank to inform them before traveling overseas.

To prevent legitimate transactions from being blocked.

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Use self-checkout lanes to handle payment issues privately if available.

It reduces embarrassment if a card declines.

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