Emotional intelligence
None of this is expert advice. It's what people worked out for themselves, usually the hard way — what actually helped, and what they'd tell someone standing where you are. Take what fits and leave the rest.
If you only read a few
When a scenario seems off, adjust your course and trust your gut.
Your subconscious may sense issues before you can consciously identify them.
- Do not apply this if you suffer from anxiety or PTSD, as these conditions may cause false 'off' feelings.
- Intuition is frequently mistaken; for example, serial killer Ted Bundy was charming and did not initially make victims feel uncomfortable.
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Answer criticism with a calm or positive tone instead of anger or excuses.
Anger and excuses tend to make things worse, while a gentle reply can defuse tension.
- Some view responding politely even when wrong as being a pushover.
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Admit when you are wrong to appear stronger, humble, and intelligent.
Most people will respect you more and see you as smarter; denying it looks weaker than swallowing your pride.
- Some people may view this admission as a sign of weakness.
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- Admit when you are wrong or have made a mistake.3
- Happily admit when you are wrong to gain respect.2
Treat people kindly without seeking a reward or needing a reason.
Genuine kindness is not driven by an attempt to gain something from the act.
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Accept that friends' or family's disinterest in your projects does not mean they devalue you as a person.
Their love for you is separate from their interest in what you do; pushing them to care can damage the relationship.
- Disagreement may indicate they still care, whereas disinterest simply means it doesn't resonate with them.
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Confidently state 'I don't know' or 'I'm not familiar with that' when you lack knowledge.
Focus on finding the truth over proving yourself right, even if it means admitting you were wrong.
Truth is more important than being right in school, work, or arguments.
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Be nice to people while rising in your career or status.
You will likely encounter the same people when your status declines.
- Based on an old showbiz saying.
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Forgive someone once, but accept responsibility for how you process it if they fool you again.
The first time is on them; the second time is your problem to digest.
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View criticism as feedback on your actions rather than a personal attack on your character or worth.
Defensiveness is often just ego; detaching helps avoid interpreting feedback as warfare.
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Gladly change your thought or action if someone proves you wrong and shows your mistake.
Seeking truth never harms anyone; the harm is persisting in self-deception and ignorance.
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Avoid holding people accountable for statements made over five years ago unless they still hold those views today.
People mature and change over time; consequences for old posts are dumb if the person no longer says those things.
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Choose not to let rude words get under your skin by viewing them as just noise.
Only you can be upset by rudeness; if you choose not to let it affect you, the words lose their power.
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Say 'I don't know' freely, knowing there is nothing wrong with it and you will find out later.
It is one of the most freeing things you can say.
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- Confidently state 'I don't know' or 'I'm not familiar with that' when you lack knowledge.13
Judge character by how someone treats you when they are losing, rather than when they are winning.
The person who remains kind when you cause them to lose is the true MVP.
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Treat the next customer nicely after a rude interaction to shift your mood back to good.
The next person is not at fault, and their niceness can shift your mood straight away to good.
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Practice changing your mind to improve yourself and become more rewarding to discuss with.
People will notice the skill and reward you for it.
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Be nice when correcting others to remain effective.
Being right alone is not enough; being right without being nice can lead to losing out to those who are wrong but assertive.
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Avoid silently judging people for decisions you would not have made yourself.
Even if you do not say anything, people will know you are judging them.
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If you consistently feel a certain way after interacting with someone, consider that they may be projecting their own feelings onto you.
People often want to make others feel the way they themselves feel.
- This is a flawed statement because it heavily generalizes complex human emotions.
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Be cautious with people who claim credit for successes using 'I' but shift blame for failures using 'we', as this indicates they will likely throw you under the bus.
It is a tell that they will throw you under the bus when things go wrong.
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Address interpersonal frustrations on the first day they occur rather than letting them build up.
Allowing frustration to build without speaking up can cause you to act in an unkind manner later.
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Reflect on your actions after the moment has passed rather than judging yourself in the heat of the moment.
A person is defined by who reflects on their actions once done, not just what they do or say in a moment.
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Correct instances where you could have acted nicer in the future.
You will become the nicest person you'll ever see.
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Consider that you will likely never see the critic again, so let the incident pass.
The critic will go home, forget about it, and give it no further thought.
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Keep visible anger or fear under the surface during criticism.
Most people giving criticism expect a fight; do not give them one.
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Persist through hard work and failure to build confidence in your ability to handle setbacks.
It proves you will be okay during times when you do not succeed.
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- Build genuine confidence through past experience and overcoming tough situations.1
Do not tell someone they are freaking out over nothing.
They already know that, and telling them will just stress them out.
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Mind your own business regarding others' lifestyle choices such as clothing, food, and work.
These matters are not your concern.
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Judge if criticism addresses something you can fix; if so, improve, but if not, ignore it.
Replaying unchangeable criticisms in your head will not change the outcome.
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Learn to distinguish valuable criticism from noise ('haters gonna hate') to find nuggets of wisdom regardless of tone.
Most things are subjective, and weeding through bullshit allows you to learn.
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Think before you speak and always be kind.
Witnesses of unkindness will remember that behavior above all else, regardless of your success or accomplishments.
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Use the phrase 'that sounds like a you problem' to detach from solving others' issues.
This helps empathetic people stop feeling compelled to fix everyone else's problems.
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Listen to counter-arguments to decide if they have merit rather than assuming you are wrong.
It allows you to consider things you didn't know or find better sources of information.
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Remember that others' actions stem from their own experiences, perceptions, or attitudes, not from anything you did.
It is never about you; people act based on their own life context rather than reacting to you specifically.
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- Remember that what others say reflects on them, while your reaction reflects on you.1
Put down your knowledge instead of using it as a weapon to feel superior; aim to be helpful, humble, and kind rather than insufferable.
Considering yourself superior is foolish.
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Do not mistreat people unnecessarily.
People you mistreat today may be those you need to appease tomorrow.
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Adopt the principle of not being a dick as your only commandment.
It is super easy to remember.
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Admit when you didn't consider a point or acknowledge a good one, rather than refusing to understand reality.
It is more honorable.
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Strive simply to not be a jerk rather than forcing kindness.
Basic decency is enough.
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Focus on yourself and those around you rather than trying to fix everyone.
You can't fix everything and everyone; focus on improving things within your control.
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Offer quick, specific apologies for minor slights to save time and show respect.
A brief apology can prevent trouble and demonstrate respect.
- Overusing apologies can decrease their impact and make them seem too light.
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Remain teachable and avoid being overly sure of yourself to prevent ego-driven behavior and help with learning.
Being always sure makes it harder to learn or admit being wrong; remaining teachable helps avoid being an 'ego maniac.'
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When at fault, own the mistake instead of shifting blame or offering excuses.
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Learn to say no to requests for help and enforce boundaries to avoid being taken advantage of, even if you are known as a helper.
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If someone insists you just 'don't understand' why you dislike something, be polite and lie through your teeth.
People who say this are widely insufferable.
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Do not take angry customers too seriously at work; use a smile as armor.
It is only the beginning of your career journey, and there will be countless other opportunities if this job is not the right fit.
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Let a lagging person decide when to resume moving after catching up, as they are likely winded.
They are probably behind because they are out of breath.
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Do not assume you fully know anyone, as stress, substances, or fright can cause unpredictable behavior.
Stress, alcohol, drugs, and fear can alter behavior instantly, even in coached people.
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Ask others why they dislike something to understand their perspective rather than to convince them otherwise.
This approach keeps the conversation going and reveals the root of their opinion.
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Apply Hanlon's Razor: assume ignorance or carelessness rather than malice when explaining behavior, particularly during initial encounters.
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Recognize that others operate based on different goals and priorities than your own.
Realizing this improved my outlook on people.
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Avoid criticizing someone behind their back, especially if driven by mood or group vibe.
It's almost never worth saying and makes you look petty.
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If you encounter rude people constantly, consider that you might be in the wrong environment or have the wrong friends rather than assuming personal failure.
Changing friends and leaving difficult people behind can stop the negativity.
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Pause before reacting to criticism to allow time to process emotions and consider the other person's perspective.
Time and space help determine if the criticism is warranted.
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Keep calm under fire; losing your composure causes everything else to fail.
Losing your calm makes basically everything go out the window.
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Judge others by their intentions rather than just their actions.
We typically judge ourselves by our intentions but others by their actions.
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Focus on avoiding repeating the same mistake twice, rather than striving to never make mistakes at all.
Avoiding repetition shows growth into your role, while demanding zero mistakes can signal being a slow learner or poor listener.
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When blocked from a goal, slow down and remind yourself that the obstruction is not a specific threat to your survival but a difference in perspective.
Reacting otherwise is completely counterproductive.
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Adopt the concept of 'perspective' to help detach from personal reactions to others' behavior.
It helped one person get over themselves.
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Recognize that others' opinions of you are often projections of their own fears, insecurities, values, and experiences.
People's opinions of you equal their fears/insecurities plus their values plus their experiences.
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Respond with kindness to distinguish yourself from negative influences, whereas responding negatively reveals similarities to them.
Using kindness allows you to assert your difference, while negative responses show you are not so different from those acting poorly.
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Practice sincerity and respectfulness while thinking of others without hate.
Many hurtful thoughts disappear, allowing focus on important things and improving life quality.
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Treat cashiers, cleaning staff, and waitresses with dignity.
Economic differences are superficial; everyone is vulnerable to job loss and financial hardship.
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Think of everyone as yourself in a different body to reduce frustration with their actions or unintended consequences.
Viewing others as a piece of yourself helps reduce frustration.
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Admit when you are wrong tactfully to maintain professionalism.
Common sense isn't actually common, and many professionals lack tact.
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Remember that people are often acting for themselves rather than against you.
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Before criticizing someone as hypocritical, ask how you would act in their situation to help empathize with them.
Putting yourself in another's position helps you empathize.
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Frame admissions of error as opportunities to learn and rectify the situation.
Everyone comes out ahead if presented this way.
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Avoid shrinking yourself to fit others' limitations, but also keep your ego in check.
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- Set boundaries non-judgmentally by accepting others' nature while standing up for your personal needs.3
Instead of just considering whether you agree with criticism, consider what impression you intentionally or unintentionally gave off.
This helps improve people's views of you.
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Combine not taking things personally with avoiding assumptions to improve life interactions.
Putting them together changes your life.
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Acknowledge mistakes to reduce the likelihood of repeating them, as failing to acknowledge and learn from errors dooms one to repeat them.
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Put yourself in other people's shoes to understand their motivations before deciding whether to trust them.
Understanding motivations provides better insight into whether someone deserves your trust.
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Ask for feedback on specific techniques rather than general aesthetics.
Specific questions elicit better responses from instructors.
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Thoroughly research opposing viewpoints instead of looking for strawmen.
Looking only for weak opposing arguments further entrenches preconceived notions.
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Refuse to let another person's opinions or words change how you feel about yourself.
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Maintain calmness during problems to allow your mind to find solutions and see new perspectives.
Calmness minimizes repetitive worry noise, helps you focus on what needs fixing, and allows you to see from perspectives you didn't previously imagine.
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Do not give unsolicited advice to others.
It is considered common manners.
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Avoid bitter criticism as it yields no results; base any criticism on observed facts rather than invented ones.
Criticism not based on observed facts is demeaning behavior and unlikely to produce results.
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Develop thicker skin and stop latching onto meaningless disagreements.
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Perform random acts of kindness or pay it forward to start a virtuous cycle that changes the environment for the better.
Focus on being kind to others and securing enough financial freedom to act as you wish, rather than trying to appear tough or rebellious.
People with good judgment do not aspire to be like those who act out recklessly.
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Avoid asking people why they choose not to drink alcohol.
People are dumb.
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Avoid anyone who claims that drama follows them, as they are likely the source of the drama themselves.
Most people who rant about hating drama actually love it.
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Perform random acts of kindness or pay it forward to start a virtuous cycle that changes the environment for the better.
It creates a virtuous cycle of kindness that eventually comes back.
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Do not support artists whose free-time actions are illegal and harmful, such as sexual assault, murder, or genocide.
Such actions are illegal and harmful.
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Ask for consent before hugging someone.
Uninvited hugs can be perceived as sexual harassment.
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Perform small acts of generosity, such as paying for a stranger's meal.
Little gestures can provide unexpected relief and make someone's night better.
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Replace time spent consuming critical content with unrelated productive activities like reading history or true crime stories to generate work ideas.
Continuing to consume critical content can become a form of 'productive' procrastination.
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Be unapologetically yourself regarding your interests and do not hide parts of yourself to conform to stereotypes.
Do not add coworkers as friends on social media platforms like Facebook.
If a coworker does not know enough about you after working a 12-hour shift together, they do not need to know more.
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Reach out to fellow humans to make their lives easier, recognizing that we all share the same emotions and struggles.
We are all the same species experiencing life troubles, and we are all we have.
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Share a smile with others to improve their day.
A smile can make the difference between a terrible day and a mediocre one.
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Avoid saving face when you are wrong.
Saving face makes people look even dumber than they intended.
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Do not criticize friends for poor performance when they are learning a game you invited them to play.
Berating someone for not understanding mechanics or playing well can cause them to lose all interest in ever playing again.
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Openly express your nerdy interests to connect with like-minded people and build friendships.
Revealing these traits helps you discover how many fellow nerds exist around you.
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Adopt the mindset that there is enough happiness for everyone to reduce competitive negativity regarding tastes.
Recognizing this allows you to find your own joy while letting others find theirs.
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Be unapologetically yourself regarding your interests and do not hide parts of yourself to conform to stereotypes.
Hiding yourself prevents you from meeting true friends; ignoring others' opinions about your interests is seen as manly.
- Within reason
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Use sarcasm or self-deprecating humor to appear confident without bragging.
It signals that you do not need to boast, and if you lack skill, it invites laughter rather than belief in false competence.
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Pursue what you enjoy without viewing yourself as weird, understanding that everyone has different preferences and some will align with yours.
Having niche preferences is not inherently strange; it simply means finding someone who shares them.
- Some people may not share your specific interests.
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Say 'Thanks for sharing that with me' when someone reveals something personal or vulnerable.
It validates the speaker by acknowledging the value of their secrets and the trust placed in you.
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Withdraw from social groups where you lack the patience to interact positively, rather than forcing compatibility.
One person reported being happier after withdrawing from most social groups to avoid being an asshole.
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Do not be rude or speak down to service workers, recognizing they are people with families and feelings who are following instructions.
It doesn't help anyone
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Call an employee's supervisor to compliment their performance.
Supervisors rarely receive positive feedback from customers and may reward the employee as a result.
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When giving criticism, acknowledge and praise the recipient when they make changes based on your feedback.
Punishing good behavior discourages improvement.
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