Ethics
None of this is expert advice. It's what people worked out for themselves, usually the hard way — what actually helped, and what they'd tell someone standing where you are. Take what fits and leave the rest.
If you only read a few
Play board or card games with groups of four or more to occupy time and attention.
It amuses us for hours.
one person who lived it
If you lack positive things to share about someone, remain silent.
- Avoid saying extra or negative things about anyone.
9 people, independently
Do not mention receiving free or extra items from service workers in public reviews or surveys, as it may get them in trouble.
Mentioning these gifts can hurt the business or the employee, as it may be viewed as stealing or a violation of integrity.
3 people, independently
Speak praises of someone when they are not present, as this is a genuine act that likely makes them smile if heard.
It shows that you are being genuine.
one person who lived it
Show interest in people as they are, without drama, to build trust and change perceptions.
This changed how they viewed me once they knew I was trustworthy.
one person who lived it
gossip, person, people, change22
Before criticizing someone, consider if you would say it to them directly; if not, keep it to yourself.
Avoid lies that hurt others or break trust, but consider white lies to avoid needless conflict or harm.
Lies that avoid harm can be useful.
one person who lived it
Adopt a personal rule to avoid discussing people who are not present in front of you.
3 people, independently
Politely shut down gossip by stating that private issues should not be discussed unless the person shares them themselves.
Doing this enough times causes them to stop bringing gossip to you.
2 people, independently
- Stay above pettiness and accept that gossips may become annoyed with you for not joining in.1
- Avoid directly contradicting gossip by using vague responses or shifting the conversation to a different topic.3
- Physically leave the conversation if the other person insists on continuing to gossip after you try to redirect.2
- Change your social circle to remove yourself from environments where gossiping is normalized.1
- Defuse gossip by responding positively to the subject matter and then quickly changing the subject to a related but safe topic.1
- Be mindful and recognize every instance of gossiping, reminding yourself of the harms to eventually lessen the behavior.1
Accept that refusing to gossip may lead to being targeted as a threat or feeling isolated.
You become something manipulators can't ignore.
one person who lived it
12 more on this
Before criticizing someone, consider if you would say it to them directly; if not, keep it to yourself.
6 people, independently
Do not use psychological knowledge to manipulate people into loving you.
It is unsustainable and leads to your downfall.
one person who lived it
Remain silent during gossip sessions.
Staying silent feels empowering and makes your life easier.
one person who lived it
Before speaking, ask yourself if what you are about to say is True, Helpful, Inspiring, Necessary, and Kind.
3 people, independently
Define venting as discussing specific actions that affected you rather than attacking character, and discuss the issue directly with the person involved after calming down.
Venting first helps clear your mind so you can remain calmer when speaking to the person who caused the upset.
one person who lived it
Surround yourself with people who do not talk negatively about others to reinforce your own behavioral change.
One person felt 'dirtier' when around gossipers and wanted to change after surrounding themselves with positive peers.
one person who lived it
When people vent, listen and commiserate rather than trying to solve their problems, unless they explicitly ask for help.
People often seek validation and companionship in their frustration rather than active intervention.
one person who lived it
Recognize that gossip can serve as a middle ground between dangerous direct confrontation and ignoring strife.
Direct communication is the most ethical but also the most dangerous, while ignoring strife is the safest.
one person who lived it
Catch yourself when you slip into gossiping and immediately change the subject, repeating this correction until gossiping is no longer your default reaction.
Gradually correcting yourself changes the habit over time.
one person who lived it
React with visible shock or ask directly if the person speaks about you similarly in your absence to create awkwardness.
The resulting awkwardness highlights the impoliteness of the behavior and makes the tactic effective.
2 people, independently
Imagine the person you are talking about is listening in on every word you say via a muted phone in the listener's pocket before you speak about them.
one person who lived it
If you dislike gossip but fear isolation, act busy to avoid participating.
It prevents isolating yourself while avoiding participation in gossip.
one person who lived it
free, items, reviews, service12
Focus reviews on problem-solving skills rather than receiving free items or discounts.
Do not publicly thank a server for comped food in front of their manager.
Publicly announcing free food can get the employee fired.
one person who lived it
- Thank servers who provide freebies with an extra tip rather than mentioning it to management.1
Report unresolved issues with a service provider to the Better Business Bureau.
This can compel the store manager to compensate you to keep the report off their record.
one person who lived it
Avoid offers where you pay shipping for a 'free' item.
The product is likely worth less than the shipping cost, involves hidden fees, or ropes you into monthly subscriptions.
one person who lived it
Accept small payments for items you intended to give away to preserve the recipient's dignity.
It validates the recipient's pride and can create an emotional connection.
one person who lived it
- Charge a small symbolic price for items you intend to give away to avoid dealing with difficult recipients.1
6 more on this
Focus reviews on problem-solving skills rather than receiving free items or discounts.
Mentioning free stuff leads others to expect it, puts the business in an uncomfortable position, and may cause future customers to question why they are being charged.
2 people, independently
Do not rate products poorly just to obtain free items; give good ratings if the product is good.
Help other people make informed decisions about lousy products.
one person who lived it
Tip higher during your first few visits to workers who accept tips.
They may provide better service and occasionally give discounts or free items later.
one person who lived it
Accept that you will slip up, but recognize that feeling worse after each incident will naturally reduce the frequency over time.
The negative feelings affect you harder each time, causing the behavior to happen less often.
one person who lived it
Consistently post honest reviews over time to build credibility.
This increases the weight of your negative feedback and may increase the odds of receiving free items.
one person who lived it
Search for independent reviews on other sites instead of relying solely on platform-specific reviews.
Sellers may get factual reviews removed, making platform reviews resemble paid advertisements.
one person who lived it