Getting better at talking

None of this is expert advice. It's what people worked out for themselves, usually the hard way — what actually helped, and what they'd tell someone standing where you are. Take what fits and leave the rest.

How this was put together

If you only read a few

Make yourself start brief chats with strangers to strengthen your social skills.
It feels difficult at first but becomes simpler as you develop the habit; practice yields results.
- For some people shock therapy confirms their worst fears, making it worse.
10 people, independently
- Push slightly beyond your usual limits by starting talks and breaking the ice a bit more than you normally would.6
- Actively work on your social skills rather than expecting them to be innate.3
- Visit public spots like stores every day and chat briefly with strangers to normalize social interaction.4
- Build confidence by beginning with easy interactions, like asking for directions, and gradually increasing the difficulty.3
Accept that not everyone will like you and you do not have to like everyone; do not dwell on it.
Thats life
3 people, independently
Adopt a mindset of not caring what others think of your actions or words to become comfortable in your own skin.
This mindset resulted in comfort in one's own skin.
- Based on one person's experience.
one person who lived it
Let go of the fear of being 'cringe' to feel free in social situations.
Letting go of this fear leads to freedom.
one person who lived it
Observe socially skilled people and mimic their behavior, including small actions, to see what works for you.
One person found that pretending to do successful behaviors led to realization and improvement after about a year.
7 people, independently

social, people, conversation, skills88

View social skills as a capability that develops through practice, not an inherent quality.

Pose questions and allow others to discuss their own lives, then share related personal insights based on their answers.
People often enjoy discussing themselves and will continue talking if you ask relevant follow-ups.
- The strategy fails if the other person uses the same approach and keeps asking you questions.
4 people, independently
Join a local Toastmasters group or read books on confidence to immerse yourself in social skills practice.
You can improve your social skills quickly.
- Small talk may still be painful initially.
one person who lived it
- Google 'how to improve social skills' and watch videos or read articles from experts.1
Use reason, logic, and facts to handle arguments instead of back-talking or smack talk.
It makes people think about what they are saying.
one person who lived it
Go out and socialize by joining groups, classes, or meetups to make new friends.
This is described as the only way.
one person who lived it
- Attend group meetups centered on shared interests to expand your social circle outside of school or work.1

69 more on this

Ease into talking to people by paying simple compliments on specific items like their shoes, sweater, or necklace.
It is the easiest way to get used to talking to people.
2 people, independently
Act despite fear, understanding that bravery is acting despite it rather than the absence of it, and keep doing it.
Practice makes perfect.
one person who lived it
View social skills as a capability that develops through practice, not an inherent quality.
Similar to any skill, it involves a learning curve, but proficiency increases with significant practice.
35 people, independently
- Refine your social skills through trial and error: attempt an action, watch the response, and if it doesn't work, adjust one factor and try again.3
- Keep trying to improve your social skills without compromising your core values, accepting that mistakes are part of learning.1
- View social skill development as a game where you gradually increase your level as confidence grows in particular actions.5
If you struggle with social skills, work in public-facing jobs like hospitality or retail to learn small talk through practice.
4 people, independently
- Work in hospitality, retail, call centers, or customer service to gain frequent social practice.3
- One approach that helped a person overcome social ineptitude was working in hospitality for 15 years, which led to excelling at conversing with anyone.1
Read 'What Every BODY Is Saying' by Joe Navarro and 'How to Win Friends and Influence People' by Dale Carnegie.
These books can completely change your social life.
one person who lived it
Start reading generally to fill your mind with thoughts from books, which serve as good conversation starters.
It replaces idle thoughts with content from what you are reading.
one person who lived it
Relax by letting go of concerns about others' opinions of you or your words.
- Keep quiet if it is something terrible.
3 people, independently
- Stop caring about what others think of you before attempting to refine specific social techniques.1
Interact with people even if you feel unskilled, accepting that poor outcomes are part of the learning process.
That is how we learn.
one person who lived it
Get a dog to serve as a natural conversation starter with strangers.
4 people, independently
Get used to others being uncomfortable, recognizing that their nervousness may not be due to your social skills.
They were just nervous; it wasn't my social skills.
one person who lived it
Read books on social skills by Patrick King.
They are all fantastic.
one person who lived it
If the other person cannot answer or seems caught off-guard, share a story of your own to help them think.
It sometimes gets them thinking.
one person who lived it
Try talking to relatives since they care, but be prepared that they may not always be helpful.
Relatives care about you.
- They may turn things around on you or go on tangents instead of helping.
one person who lived it
Volunteer for causes you care about to meet new people.
It provides built-in conversation topics because you care about the cause.
one person who lived it
Be warm and relaxed while making eye contact, smiling, and nodding your head.
5 people, independently
- Keep your facial expression relaxed and pleasant during interactions.3
If you are an introvert, set boundaries to avoid burnout from sharing too much.
Sharing too much is exhausting for introverts.
one person who lived it
Briefly greet everyone you encounter, such as asking store clerks about their day or neighbors about their pets, keeping interactions short and mellow.
If someone does not respond, it reflects on them, not you.
one person who lived it
Value your tendency to speak only when it is worth saying, rather than viewing it as a flaw.
one person who lived it
Find out a person's name and use it when asking them a question to give the question more weight and encourage engagement.
Using their name makes the question hold a little more weight.
one person who lived it
If awkwardness arises, directly state that conversation is difficult for you or that you lack a starting point.
They typically offer assistance in these situations.
3 people, independently
Join an improv class to practice bantering and public speaking while learning to stay relaxed.
It helps you make friends and exposes you to public speaking in a fun environment.
one person who lived it
Instead of forcing a smile during conversation, ask a genuine question about what the other person just said.
It reduces pressure on you and makes the other person feel that you care.
one person who lived it
Volunteer at places that directly help people in need to get out of your routine and build confidence.
can build confidence
one person who lived it
Listen more and speak less; ask open-ended questions relevant to the situation.
11 people, independently
- Take up active listening by mentally recapitulating the speaker's points while they talk, instead of drafting your reply.3
- Keep conversations going by making affirming comments and asking questions.3
Join activities with built-in repetition, such as classes, recreational leagues, or weekly clubs, to recreate the environment where friendships naturally form.
Friendships often form because people see the same people every day.
one person who lived it
Join a beginner dance class, such as salsa, to help read other people's emotions.
It helps read other people's emotions
one person who lived it
Stop beating yourself up over brief embarrassing moments or mistakes.
Most people won't even remember it.
2 people, independently
Learn about the other person's interests, such as listening to music they like, and share your thoughts on them.
Showing genuine interest makes them more comfortable and talkative; finding common ground helps build rapport.
one person who lived it
- Start conversations with basic topics like weather, location, pets, or travel to find common ground.25
Stop trying to fit in or be someone you are not; instead, identify your favorite hobbies and passions and seek out people who share them.
2 people, independently
Pose broad inquiries rather than binary ones to sustain dialogue flow.
Questions limited to affirmative or negative responses halt interaction; once a speaker starts elaborating, they typically continue speaking.
4 people, independently
Read literature rather than watching movies.
Reading engages more of the mind.
one person who lived it
Start conversations by talking about your hobbies, recent trips, or what you did yesterday.
Talking about hobbies does not make you weird.
one person who lived it
Learn things and form opinions to become interesting rather than just following small talk scripts.
Following small talk advice and adhering to expectation leads to making only mediocre friends.
one person who lived it
Focus entirely on listening to the other person's response rather than planning your next statement, letting them do the work of talking.
People often enjoy hearing themselves talk.
one person who lived it
Write down topics beforehand or start with simple questions and share interesting items to initiate online conversations.
It can help get the conversation going.
one person who lived it
Focus on the substance of the conversation instead of worrying about how you appear to the other person.
You cannot focus on the conversation if you are only focused on your perceived appearance.
one person who lived it
Dare to be vulnerable and honest about insecurities, even if worried about seeming weird, to bond with others who relate.
Someone will likely relate to your insecurities, demonstrating you own your weirdness and making connection easier.
one person who lived it
Accept that misunderstanding and embarrassing moments are inevitable parts of socializing.
It is a reality that will never stop.
one person who lived it
Pick one tiny element of social interaction, such as how you say something, master it quickly, and let the resulting pride seep into other parts of your interactions.
Seeing changes after trying it a few times likely leads to pride that affects other interaction aspects.
one person who lived it
Start with social settings that feel less threatening, selecting environments with low pressure.
9 people, independently
- Begin with low-pressure exchanges, like asking acquaintances about their day or offering compliments, then slowly increase the difficulty.11
Use negative social feedback as data to immediately adjust your behavior, such as changing your vocal tone, rather than taking it personally.
It allows you to hear what others are thinking and use that information to improve, for example by stopping monotone speech.
one person who lived it
Be patient with yourself and persistent, understanding that change occurs over months rather than days.
3 people, independently
Calm down by realizing nobody cares about minor social interactions, such as someone asking you for a pencil.
People rarely replay minor interactions like being asked for a pencil.
one person who lived it
Focus on your physical sensations and emotional state before approaching someone.
It helps your words flow naturally.
one person who lived it
Avoid discussing sex, religion, and politics in casual conversation.
These subjects are volatile and prone to causing conflict.
one person who lived it
- Keep conversations light by discussing uncontroversial and popular topics.1
Pose broad, somewhat unexpected queries, like asking about a notable event in their recent life.
4 people, independently
- Show genuine curiosity about others by inquiring into their passions and pastimes.4
Watch podcasts and study how hosts sustain conversations, handle silence, and use fillers to improve your own conversational flow.
it helps
one person who lived it
Share positive emotions and personal feelings to strengthen bonds.
Sharing positive emotions strengthens the bond.
one person who lived it
Practice speaking by using voice chat in games like CS:GO or Valorant.
3 people, independently
Focus on a few solid connections and positive people rather than attempting to please everyone.
3 people, independently
Gain general knowledge about cultures, cities, and famous places to have topics ready for conversations with people from diverse backgrounds.
Knowing these things can give you conversation starters when talking to people from other countries.
one person who lived it
Reflect on how you connect with people without sacrificing your values, who you are trying to connect with, and what makes connection meaningful.
one person who lived it
Ask friends to help you practice specific social skills, such as detecting sarcasm.
one person who lived it
Step outside your comfort zone to initiate or reciprocate social interactions, accepting that mistakes, awkwardness, and rejection are only temporary consequences.
Mistakes and rejection are only temporary consequences.
one person who lived it
seek out social interactions by leaving isolated environments rather than waiting for opportunities.
The more variety of social and life situations you’re in the more comfortable you’ll be
one person who lived it
Initiate conversation at parties by asking 'how do you know [host/mutual friend]' or 'who else do you know here'.
3 people, independently
Accept that stepping out of your comfort zone is difficult, but recognize that noticing the need for change is already a significant step.
one person who lived it
Reframe socializing with strangers as a necessity for personal development rather than a burden.
- Based on one person's experience of reframing their mindset.
one person who lived it
Identify specific weak points in your social behavior, such as info-dumping or awkward exits, and focus your improvement efforts on those areas.
4 people, independently
Find something you are passionate about to talk about.
Having passion provides enough material to start a conversation.
one person who lived it
Watch videos by Jordan Peterson on social improvement topics.
I found them useful
one person who lived it
Rehearse social interactions out loud by imagining scripts and potential responses to practice using your voice.
4 people, independently
Start a conversation by complimenting or responding positively to someone's clothing, book, bag, or pet.
People broadcast their interests through these items, making them open to engagement.
one person who lived it
Use prepared maps or scripts to start conversations naturally, then rely on intuition and assessment of the vibe once the conversation is underway.
Scripts help start conversations; mid-conversation allows for natural talk after assessing the person.
one person who lived it
If mutual attraction or reciprocating energy is absent, abandon the conversation rather than forcing it.
Forcing a conversation can get awkward.
one person who lived it
Approach socializing like debugging code: identify patterns, test solutions, and iterate.
one person who lived it
Probe deeper into a topic by asking additional questions after the first response.
3 people, independently
Commit a set of conversation prompts to memory to avoid freezing during exchanges.
4 people, independently
Establish concrete, attainable objectives, such as aiming to start a dialogue with at least one unfamiliar individual.
5 people, independently

Avoid going to bars if you do not drink or smoke.
You will likely be miserable.
one person who lived it

Respond firmly but maturely to aggression, avoiding anger, or walk away to take the high road.
The aggressor wants an angry reaction; acting mature or walking away denies them that satisfaction.
one person who lived it
Assume positive intent in interactions to disarm suspicion, anger, and defensiveness.
It disarms negative emotional responses.
one person who lived it

Study behavioral sciences and comedy writing to understand timing and pattern deviation for better wit.
Taking these classes helped things come together.
one person who lived it