Mindset
None of this is expert advice. It's what people worked out for themselves, usually the hard way — what actually helped, and what they'd tell someone standing where you are. Take what fits and leave the rest.
If you only read a few
Focus on showing genuine curiosity in others rather than trying to be entertaining, as people enjoy speaking with those who listen attentively.
People generally favor interacting with those who appear engaged in what is being said.
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- Engage people with sincere interest in their actions and motivations.3
Think about the joy you bring to shy people who wish they had the courage to approach others.
Many people you approach are stuck in a frame of mind where they cannot approach.
one person who lived it
Pause for a second or three after someone stops talking before responding.
Give them and yourself time to think.
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Stop trying to be likable.
One person found that people considered them way more likable after making this change.
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Set no expectations for the night.
Knowing that nights will vary between good and bad is part of the thrill.
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Cultivate genuine curiosity to become interested in other people.
Accept that not everyone will like you if you are truly being yourself, knowing this helps you attract people you truly connect with.
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Stop treating quietness as rudeness and loudness as confidence; recognize that quiet people may be thinking and loud people may just be filling space.
Bad social reads often start from these assumptions.
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Challenge yourself to cut down on phone usage at parties to force social interaction.
It is hard but worth it.
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Focus on other people rather than being self-conscious to appear genuine.
It makes you come across as genuine and not a 'look-at-me' moment.
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Accept that not everyone will click with you and allow time to find someone who matches your vibe and interests.
People come and go naturally.
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Focus on enjoying the interaction over worrying about whether others accept you or what you want from them.
5 people, independently
- Focus sincerely on getting to know the other person rather than worrying about how you are being perceived.1
Attend amazing parties in your area even if you have no one to go with.
You should not miss out on legendary events just because you are solo.
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Repeat to yourself that you want the other person to impress you, rather than trying to impress them.
It puts less pressure on yourself and keeps you in your natural state, avoiding the urge to amp yourself up.
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Consider forcing a smile to boost mood, but be aware this method is controversial and may not work for everyone.
Some claim it releases dopamine and feel-good chemicals; others argue it is a debunked myth or cognitive bias.
- Research replication failed.
- It may make you look crazy or like the Joker.
5 people, independently
Change your belief from viewing initiating contact as bothering people to viewing it as showing people you care.
Friendships may fade because people assume you aren't interested in them.
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Accept yourself and be comfortable with who you are rather than forcing extroversion.
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Approach new acquaintances with the mindset of already being in a friendship rather than trying to make friends.
This approach works better and leads to more connections.
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Focus on anything else except people to leave them alone.
If you leave people alone, they will likely do the same for you.
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Focus on doing what you enjoy rather than trying to be interesting for others.
Life is too short to focus on appearing interesting over personal fulfillment.
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View socializing as a numbers game rather than a reflection of personal worth, accepting that many initial connections will not work out despite early interest.
Meeting hundreds or thousands of people often results in connections that do not last, regardless of initial impressions.
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Adopt a casual, laid-back attitude.
This approach works best.
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Explore your own personal world and stop trying to be 'likable' to cultivate truly genuine, fulfilling, and impactful connections.
One person reported this was when they made such connections.
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Accept that some people will not be interested in you, recognizing this as evidence of having a distinct identity.
Having an identity means you do not appeal to everyone.
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Ignore insecure people who try to make you feel worse about your appearance, especially in high school contexts where this behavior stems from their own insecurity.
People worth knowing will not care about your appearance.
- This dynamic is noted specifically in high school environments.
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Adopt a mindset of simplicity in social interactions by not trying to look or sound impressive, nor trying to sound dumb.
Simplicity always wins.
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Accept that calmness and quietness are often perceived as having one's life in check, especially as you age.
While this trait might not be seen positively as a teen or in college, it is viewed favorably as an adult.
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If you hold the mindset that you don't need friends, recognize that this may lead to regretting a wretched and boring life as it flies by.
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Pursue being someone you are excited about being, doing what moves you rather than just trying to be worth talking to.
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Maintain mystery by not exposing all your plans to others.
In a world of over-exposure, keeping things private can make you stand out; if you don't inform anyone, they will be surprised and pay attention to what you do.
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Stop worrying about why people don't approach you and focus on the positive outcomes of your own initiatives.
Wondering why people don't approach you is wasted energy; those who don't approach are missing out if your interactions are good.
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Re-calibrate your thinking to focus on learning about others rather than worrying about how you are perceived.
Focusing on learning is learning-driven rather than ego-driven, which drastically changes the experience.
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Avoid judging shy or socially isolated peers, as they may have much to offer but are simply painfully shy.
They might be similar to you in having value to share despite shyness.
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Consider that friends may not initiate because they are also shy or lack conversation skills.
Try looking at things from their viewpoint; perhaps they are not good at starting conversations.
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Make deliberate changes to become the type of person who knows how to get their goals, rather than just 'being yourself' if that hasn't worked.
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Realize that influencers and trends can distort perceptions of normal behavior, making standard actions seem 'cringe'.
Friends may be convinced normal behavior is cringe after seeing videos labeling it as such.
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Define success as the act of approaching someone or saying hi, rather than getting their number.
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Reframe pessimistic 'what if' fears into optimistic possibilities when hesitating to approach friends.
Focusing on positive outcomes, such as forming long-term friendships, can counteract hesitation.
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Recognize that engaging with strange strangers is often a reflex from being caught off guard or raised to be polite, not a sign of immaturity.
It stems from different brain processing and public interaction training rather than maturity levels.
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Reframe lack of engagement from others as potentially unrelated to you, considering they might be focused on another activity.
it's not necessarily on you
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Approach finding compatible friends as a search problem involving trial, error, and backtracking, accepting that there is no perfect algorithmic solution.
Like computational search problems, social matching lacks a perfect heuristic and requires iterative testing.
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Practice socializing with the sole intent of holding a conversation, removing goals such as flirting, getting a number, being remembered, or hoping the other person finds you attractive.
This helps reduce creepy vibes.
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Approach people with genuine interest rather than viewing them solely as tools for self-serving motives.
4 people, independently
- Cultivate genuine curiosity to become interested in other people.14
Act without expectations or ulterior motives to appear and feel more confident and chilled.
Pure actions without motives help you appear and actually be confident and chilled.
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Recognize that confidence can sometimes be seen as cockiness and that factors like jealousy may cause disdain regardless of your actions.
People are ultimately looking out for themselves.
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Accept that unimportant messages may not receive replies because the communication form makes it acceptable to ignore them.
It is often not personal; it is the nature of the communication form.
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Relax and be comfortable with yourself to increase your chances of making others comfortable around you.
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Focus on the company and conversation to enjoy social evenings, regardless of whether you are drinking alcohol.
The company and conversation are what make an evening fun, not the beverage.
one person who lived it
Be externally focused on others rather than internally focused on yourself.
External focus improves interactions, while internal focus worsens them.
2 people, independently
Reframe socializing as an 'adult playground' where you explore different stories and personalities without needing a specific outcome.
Shifting your mindset this way helps you gain energy from interactions rather than losing it.
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Manage expectations by treating social interactions as a challenge to 'fake' having social skills rather than hoping for deep interest in your personal life.
One person reported being more satisfied when expecting to be outside their comfort zone and focusing on performance rather than genuine connection.
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Adopt the mindset that everyone knows something you don't, viewing every interaction as a potential source of learning or story.
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When working a cash register, pretend you are hosting a party to transform boring interactions into engaging ones.
One person found this shifted interactions from a boring job to friendly greetings.
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Replace regret about not verbally expressing appreciation to a celebrity with excitement about the meeting, recognizing that actions like wearing merchandise and asking for photos already demonstrated support.
Your actions spoke volumes regarding your admiration even if you felt you missed the verbal opportunity.
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Answer with 'No reason' to avoid validating the premise that an explanation is required.
Providing an explanation ascribes meaning to the question, encourages repeated checking, and forces you to self-justify your behavior in the asker's categories.
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View non-native speakers as fascinating because they often express logical concepts in fresh ways that challenge habitual thinking.
They say perfectly logical things in totally different ways due to tradition rather than error.
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If you are mature enough, experiment with removing the protective filter that makes you see others as non-player characters.
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Adopt a mindset of genuine curiosity by treating every person as having hidden value to uncover.
Viewing others as 'treasure' shifts focus from self-judgment to discovering their unique qualities.
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Reframe social avoidance as a lack of interest in most people rather than a dislike of talking, keeping yourself open to interesting exceptions.
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Approach social interactions with childlike spontaneity, ignoring fear of judgment.
Children approach peers without worrying about what others think; adults forget this natural pack behavior.
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if you are a freshman, one person found it easier to let friendship happen naturally rather than putting yourself out there
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View socializing as a dynamic probabilistic process where each interaction increases the likelihood of connection rather than guaranteeing an outcome.
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Visualize your ideal self and imagine what that version of you looks like.
Let yourself be embarrassed.
Viewing it as good for the soul.
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Drop the timer regarding your age; accept that you are your current age now.
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Ask yourself if the current mistake will matter in five years; if not, realize no one will remember it.
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Reframe your language from 'using' service workers to 'depending' on them to avoid sounding demeaning.
Saying you 'use' them sounds demeaning.
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Approach experiences with the mindset of 'liking to try' rather than 'trying to like' them.
Expectations and hype can ruin things.
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View your current situation as a temporary stepping stone and focus on enjoying your friend's company.
It is something you are working on and not a source of shame.
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When anxious, separate yourself from the situation by viewing it as a short trial run of your life that will end soon.
Reminding yourself that the stressful moment is temporary and just a 'trial' reduces stress.
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If someone teases you for language mistakes or your accent, stop talking to them.
Anyone with empathy would understand that English is not your first language.
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Assume everybody likes you and that people will understand and forgive your mistakes, just as you would for them.
It helps avoid getting embarrassed easily.
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Visualize your ideal self and imagine what that version of you looks like.
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Work on being caring, loving, and helpful toward others to counteract self-centered thinking that leads to social fear.
Self-centered thinking contributes to fearful states.
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Focus on being kind even if you feel anxious or awkward.
Kindness will not go unnoticed regardless of social awkwardness.
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To reduce self-consciousness, imagine that you do not exist and that only the other person exists in your mind.
Shifting focus entirely away from yourself makes it easier to talk to others.
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Force yourself to interact despite feeling shy or embarrassed.
You are already capable even if you feel nervous.
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Slip in mitigating comments when complaining to keep things in perspective.
It helps keep things in perspective.
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Remember that getting high has been part of being human since forever.
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Do not assume your interpretations of situations are true just because they make sense in your head.
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If you find yourself idealizing a woman, imagine her performing a mundane bodily function to break the pedestal.
It stops the pedestal pretty quick.
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Choose the temporary embarrassment of rejection over the lasting disappointment of inaction.
The feeling of embarrassment goes away.
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Avoid putting women on a pedestal; remember they are normal humans with the same worries and concerns as you.
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Visualize an activity from an outsider's perspective to realize it is normal and nothing to be shy about.
Viewing the action objectively often reveals there is no reason for embarrassment.
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Challenge negative assumptions about how others will react to your greeting by hoping for the best rather than fearing the worst.
Anticipating rejection (like being ignored) is less productive than expecting positive responses.
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If you have a unique name, accept that receiving opinions and jokes is inevitable and try to become desensitized to them over time.
After a lifetime of experience, it becomes part of the routine dance, though patience may vary by day.
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Acknowledge that many others face similar internal challenges.
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Care about things only in proportion to what they warrant, avoiding both excessive and insufficient concern.
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Don't take yourself too seriously, recognizing that others aren't either.
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Accept that everyone stumbles in social interactions and do not expect perfection from yourself.
Take baby steps and focus on one thing at a time to improve your social situation.
Rome wasn't built over night.
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Keep practicing social skills through repetition even if progress feels slow and unnoticeable.
Social skills improve like any other skill, such as playing the piano, where daily practice leads to significant improvement over a year.
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Remind yourself that charisma is partly learned and possible to develop.
This counters the belief that it is entirely innate and encourages trying.
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Persist in social practice and view failures as opportunities to learn.
Success rarely happens immediately.
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- Treat socializing like poker: accept that you will sometimes win and sometimes lose, laugh it off, and keep playing.1
- Accept that everyone stumbles in social interactions and do not expect perfection from yourself.9
- Treat awkward moments as learning opportunities and successes in improving social skills rather than failures.2
- Practice social interactions without worrying about perfection, accepting that everyone says awkward things sometimes.3
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Relax and stop taking social skills so seriously to reduce silence caused by perfectionism.
Taking social skills too seriously can keep you quiet.
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Give yourself permission to have 'pathetic' or awkward conversations to practice without pressure.
It takes pressure off your shoulders.
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Fake being social until your brain adopts the behavior.
One person noticed their brain slowly adopting the fake personality, leading to becoming social in reality.
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Practice confidence as a skill rather than waiting to have it naturally.
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Treat social interactions as mutual exchanges rather than one-sided pontifications.
Many poor social skills stem from selfishness.
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Treat social interactions as experiments where awkwardness is irrelevant if someone reacts negatively.
A situation only becomes awkward under your own scrutiny.
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Read 'Stillness Is the Key' by Ryan Holiday.
It is recommended as a good read.
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Research and practice Stoicism.
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