Small talk
None of this is expert advice. It's what people worked out for themselves, usually the hard way — what actually helped, and what they'd tell someone standing where you are. Take what fits and leave the rest.
If you only read a few
Pose open-ended questions to move attention from your own discomfort to the other person.
Most people enjoy discussing their own lives.
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- Sustain dialogue by posing 'why' and 'how' inquiries that invite the other person to discuss their own experiences.4
- Pose sincere inquiries regarding the other individual to encourage them to share personal details.5
Read body language and social cues to determine if a stranger is open to conversation before approaching; avoid those who appear closed or want to be left alone.
This increases the chances of a successful interaction and prevents bothering people who do not want to talk.
- You may sometimes stumble and inaccurately read someone's desire not to talk, but it is okay.
- Do not double down if interactions are not going well or if someone seems to be fleeing.
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- Look for signs that someone seems happy or eager to talk, rather than just judging if they appear friendly, to determine if they are open to conversation.1
- Open conversations with humor about the immediate situation; if the other person does not respond positively, disengage.1
Be kind, smile, and state your reason for talking upfront to lower guards.
People can be on their guard, especially in cities.
one person who lived it
Answer small talk questions like 'how are you?' with a brief truth, such as being tired from work, rather than just saying 'good'.
Saying 'good' stops conversation; sharing a small truth invites talk without oversharing.
one person who lived it
Pretend to be confident to build genuine self-confidence over time.
Confidence is described as magical in that pretending to have it leads to getting it for real.
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people, conversations, conversation, strangers50
Approach and speak with unoccupied strangers, even without obvious shared interests.
Start small talk with obvious or trite topics to find broad points of agreement.
It is not because they are interesting, but because you are likely to agree, which prevents making an enemy if you don't make a friend.
one person who lived it
Present yourself honestly and genuinely, accepting that rejection may occur.
If people like you under these conditions, they like who you really are.
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Be aware that starting unsolicited conversations with strangers in public may be viewed as odd or taboo outside of the US.
Non-US cultures often find talking to strangers in public strange or forbidden.
- This perception varies by region; it is specifically noted as odd/taboo outside the US.
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View pleasantry questions like 'how are you' as rituals where honesty is neither expected nor cared for.
Most people ask just to say something and do not actually care about the answer.
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Ask someone for the time as a low-pressure way to initiate contact.
It is an easy interaction to start with.
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Volunteer at an event or table to create a purposeful context and common ground for engaging with people who approach you.
It gives you a reason for interaction.
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Expect to be turned down when initiating conversations and accept it without taking it personally.
Being turned down is not the end of the world.
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Observe the other person's non-verbal signals to gauge their comfort level. If they seem uneasy, excuse yourself and leave.
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Approach people in pubs and bars, but avoid initiating conversations in coffee shops where patrons may be working.
People in coffee shops are often trying to get work done and prefer not to be bothered.
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Give sincere compliments to strangers on their appearance, such as their hair or shirt.
Talking nicely to strangers is generally found pleasant, and receiving compliments makes people feel good.
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Join an organization related to your interests, such as a political youth group, to meet people who share those topics.
New members are often welcomed warmly, leading to extended conversations and gradual learning.
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Push through awkward moments by acting on curiosity rather than silence, as fear steals opportunities for growth.
Awkward moments pass, but the personal growth gained from pushing through them lasts.
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Consider cultural differences when attempting to approach strangers, as norms vary between regions.
Different cultures breed different kinds of people who approach or don't approach groups; what is common in one place may be socially inappropriate in another.
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In casual settings like bars, greet people with a friendly 'Hello' or ask how their day is going while introducing yourself and offering a handshake to break the ice.
A friendly tone can indicate whether someone wants to talk, and a handshake can help break the ice.
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Begin conversations with observations about your surroundings, like commenting on someone's attire or inquiring about nearby happenings.
Such exchanges can foster new friendships, create opportunities, and lift your spirits.
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- Approach and speak with unoccupied strangers, even without obvious shared interests.13
- Start a conversation by giving a compliment, as showing appreciation provides a reason to talk.4
- Use external situational reasons, such as asking to borrow a lighter or discussing a bus breakdown, to start conversations.3
Use time-appropriate greetings like 'Good Morning' instead of 'Hi' when passing strangers.
Saying 'Hi' randomly on the street might make people think you know them or want something, whereas time-based greetings feel more natural.
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Adopt a bolder mindset when traveling or in new environments by recognizing that you will likely never see these people again, reducing the fear of rejection.
The fear of rejection goes away because there is no harm or foul; you have less to lose if something goes wrong.
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Remind yourself that service workers will likely forget you within minutes of the interaction to reduce social pressure.
Realizing they will forget you makes it easier to remain friendly and relaxed.
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Recognize that people are generally not taken aback by polite random conversation and likely appreciate the effort.
They will probably think it is nice that you are trying.
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Participate in clubs, meetups, team sports, volunteer groups, or classes to connect with people in environments where socializing is anticipated.
It feels less awkward because attendees expect conversation and are likely to share similar interests.
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Make a comment if you notice something interesting; if the person responds, continue talking to practice small talk.
It helps practice small talk.
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Strip away labels such as gender, status, and attractiveness to view strangers simply as fellow humans.
Reminding yourself that everyone is the same species instantly removes pressure.
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Practice social skills in environments where people expect interaction, such as coffee shops or activity-based settings, rather than approaching random strangers on the street.
People in these settings are more open to interaction than random strangers on the street.
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Keep remarks with service workers brief.
They are working and need to move on quickly, making long conversations impractical.
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Do not equate introversion with having an off-putting personality; recognize that introverts simply recharge alone rather than with others.
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Use dog parks as low-stakes environments for initiating conversations by asking about a dog's breed or name.
The setting provides built-in icebreakers and people are generally okay with these questions.
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Acknowledge strangers in confined spaces like elevators with a hello, smile, or eye contact.
It can be more awkward not to say anything when you are alone together in such spaces.
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To quickly end a conversation initiated by a stranger, smile, nod, give a brief yes-or-no answer, and then look forward.
This combination of signals kills the conversation pretty quick.
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If the other person seems uninterested, politely end the interaction with a phrase like 'ok, have a good one' and move on.
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Develop social adeptness, as it is a teachable skill that makes strangers more receptive to connection.
People are more receptive to connections with socially adept strangers.
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Move on immediately if the group is not enthusiastic about your joining.
Persisting makes you pushy; attempting interaction with someone who doesn't want to be bothered is acceptable if you stop after one attempt.
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Make a statement about the environment instead of asking a question, allowing the other person to choose whether to engage without pressure.
If there is no response, you don't feel awkward.
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Ask questions where you already know the answer to control the conversation flow.
You control the conversation.
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Ask specific, observational questions about items the other person is using, such as why they chose a certain color for their headphones.
This gets them talking.
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- Make casual observations about someone's items or context to start a chat, but disengage if they respond with only a grunt, turn away, or show uninterested body language.1
Avoid tapping strangers on the shoulder to start a conversation.
Most people dislike being touched, and physical contact is often reserved for acquaintances in many cultures.
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Start conversations formally and transition to a casual tone gradually, avoiding overly informal greetings with strangers.
Starting too casually can make people think you are rude.
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Avoid initiating conversations with people wearing headphones, as this generally signals they do not want to be disturbed; wait until they remove them if you wish to interact.
Headphones are a general indication of 'don't talk to me', while removing them is a signal of openness.
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Use being a traveler or newcomer as a socially acceptable conversation starter by stating you are new and learning about the place.
It is universally socially acceptable to not know anyone in a new place and be open to anything.
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Jump into conversation immediately with generic openers to prevent discomfort from increasing over time.
Waiting makes the situation feel more uncomfortable.
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Take up smalltalk to start conversations.
Avoiding it leads to avoiding conversation altogether.
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- Initiate interactions with something contextual to avoid sounding canned or weird.1
Stop overthinking every word as if it were a performance; talk naturally without stressing the outcome.
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Pretend you are in a video game where every new person you encounter is a traveler like you, which fosters natural curiosity about them.
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Start by initiating conversations with comfortable people like family or close friends, then gradually increase difficulty to acquaintances and strangers.
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Accept that some people dislike mindless chatter and will not engage, without taking it personally.
Individual preferences vary; some people hate random conversation.
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If you receive a negative reaction, verbally acknowledge the awkwardness and then stop talking.
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Convince yourself that you have been with partners more attractive than the person you are approaching to reduce intimidation.
Self-delusions can build true confidence.
- This is described as a 'self delusion' by the source.
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Pretend to be comfortable during the first moment of an interaction to help yourself become more comfortable.
The act of pretending helps you actually become comfortable.
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