Trust
None of this is expert advice. It's what people worked out for themselves, usually the hard way — what actually helped, and what they'd tell someone standing where you are. Take what fits and leave the rest.
If you only read a few
Accept that you may only have two or three real friends in your lifetime and keep personal matters to yourself.
Older people recognize this reality, which can spare you trouble.
- This reflects the perspective of older people.
one person who lived it
Keep friends' secrets from your own spouse if the secret does not concern the spouse.
Sharing it would betray the friend's trust; it is not your secret to tell.
- Some argue that healthy marriages involve sharing everything and that hiding secrets creates unhealthy boundaries.
3 people, independently
Do not share secrets simply because you trust someone, as trust does not guarantee silence over time.
People may forget the importance of keeping quiet or let things slip after time passes.
- Keeping all secrets to yourself makes dealing with difficult situations harder.
one person who lived it
- Do not burden others with keeping your secrets, as they will likely fail to keep them confidential.3
- Recognize that trustworthy people do not reveal others' secrets, even to those they trust; if they do, they are not trustworthy.1
Treat '100% trust' as unreliable because even those you trust fully have their own trusted contacts who may pass your secret along.
Secrets can travel down a chain of mutual trust until everyone knows.
one person who lived it
Be wary of people who only listen and never share their own thoughts or opinions.
There may be a reason they do not share while asking for yours.
one person who lived it
Inform friends upfront that you do not keep secrets from your spouse.
Setting clear expectations ensures they know that if you know it, your spouse will too.
one person who lived it
Gauge trustworthiness by observing how people treat others when they are unhappy or speaking behind their backs.
People who speak badly about others to your face may eventually do the same to you.
2 people, independently
Refrain from speaking negatively about people who are not present.
To avoid wondering if they speak poorly of you when you are absent.
2 people, independently
Do not expect others to keep secrets if you are unable to keep them yourself.
It is unreasonable to expect an obligation from others that you cannot fulfill.
2 people, independently
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Treat personal details shared by friends as lent cash: you hold them temporarily, but they belong to the friend to distribute to others.
The information belongs to the friend, not you.
one person who lived it
Protect secrets entrusted to you by your spouse as if they were your own responsibility.
You act as a single entity for receiving and protecting that information.
one person who lived it
Recognize that you are not a trustworthy source for the same reasons you do not trust strangers on the internet.
one person who lived it
Explicitly state that you do not want to hear secrets if you feel pressured by the responsibility of keeping them.
It creates too much pressure.
one person who lived it
- Refuse to listen to secrets by stating you cannot keep them, thereby avoiding the burden of confidentiality.3
If you break up with a partner, avoid speaking negatively about them in case you reunite.
Reuniting after bad-mouthing creates awkwardness.
one person who lived it
If your spouse asks about a secret you promised to keep, state clearly that you cannot discuss it due to confidentiality.
Refusing to disclose is not lying.
one person who lived it
Be careful and do not trust someone instantly; wait until they prove themselves trustworthy.
It is better to stay wary than to trust without enough evidence, avoiding positions requiring immense trust too early.
2 people, independently
Do not ignore gut feelings that interactions feel off, threatening, or cause distress.
Your intuition signals danger or incompatibility.
one person who lived it
Understand that a secret stays safe only if two out of three people involved are deceased.
3 people, independently
Assume information shared in a one-on-one setting is confidential, while information shared in a group setting may be okay to tell others.
Private conversations imply confidentiality until stated otherwise.
one person who lived it
Avoid telling secrets to colleagues or supervisors who have a history of spewing information.
They may instantly share everything with everyone else.
one person who lived it
To encourage others to share personal things, listen actively and react with interest rather than appearing distracted.
Distraction discourages people from sharing personal information.
one person who lived it
One approach that helped identify untrustworthy colleagues: tell specific false stories to certain people at work and track how the misinformation spreads.
one person who lived it