Make the plan, then ask who wants to come

You have something you would like to do, a film, an exhibition, a trip, and the plan so far is that you will go if someone is free. Nobody has said yes, so it waits. The weekend goes, the exhibition closes, and the plan was only ever “we should go sometime.”

Choose the day and the thing yourself, tell people “I’m going on Saturday, come if you like” instead of asking “do you want to go sometime?”, and go on the day even if no one comes.

This is for the person whose plans stall while they wait for someone else. If what you miss is company, not the outing itself, the last section is yours.

Why the wording matters

Some people suggest one change. Instead of asking whether someone wants to do something “sometime”, tell them you have already decided to do it, and invite them along. Asked as a question, your plan depends on their answer. Said as a statement, the plan stays yours whatever they answer, and they still get a real invitation. One person says to treat a partner the same way: state that you are doing something and that they are invited, instead of asking permission. They say the first reaction may be resentment, but that it leads to a healthier arrangement.

Plans made this way can still fall through. One person says that if you wait for others to be free you will never do anything, and that you have to make plans and keep them whoever can join. Another says that expecting others to follow through is unreliable. One person says that doing an activity alone first lets you get good at it and eventually draw others in, so that a solo habit becomes a group.

What you get by going

Many people say the main thing you get is control. You choose the pace, the place and how long you stay, and you negotiate with nobody, which suits travel, museums and concerts best. One person says you can stop whenever you like to sketch or take photographs. Another says a concert or a film alone can mean leaving early or sitting closer to the front than a group would. Some people say it also builds confidence that carries into other places, such as shops and interviews.

Some people say it can make meeting people easier, not harder. You are there for the activity itself, and you are free to start a conversation without the weight of an existing friendship. One person met a friend at a concert. Another says a casual conversation with a stranger while reading at a brewery can turn into a friendship. Some people say conversation goes better where a shared interest has brought people together than with strangers on the street, where it can bring sales pitches or requests for money, especially for women. It does not go that way for everyone, and the last section says who it is not for.

Some people say the fear of looking odd on your own is bigger than anything anyone else is doing about it, and that the other diners and cinema-goers have their own evening to think about. There is a page here called Take yourself to the film on that worry.

Start small

Some people say that when going out alone feels hard, you should start small: anxiety often comes from the thing being unfamiliar, not from danger. One person suggests a film or a meal first, then building up to bigger outings and eventually multi-day travel, and says the fear fades with repetition. Small things people suggest:

• One person suggests bringing something to read or watch to a restaurant and ordering several dishes so the meal lasts.
• One person says a seat at the bar or counter offers better service and more flexibility.
• One person suggests a thrift shop as a cheap, low-pressure way to get out in public.
• One person says that for camping, or any hobby with gear, you should rent the equipment for a weekend before you commit, and another says not to treat a store’s return policy as a way to test gear.

For trips, one person says to settle arrival, lodging and departure first, and then plan each day when you are there, using local listings and the weather. Another says that if unplanned time is hard for you, build the trip around a fixed event or a person you are meeting, because a trip with nothing fixed can end in boredom and overspending. One person suggests starting a solo road trip close to home if it feels daunting. One person warns that solo travel abroad can bring low motivation or depression instead of freedom, depending on temperament, and says to judge what you can handle before you commit to a long trip.

Somewhere remote is its own decision

Everything above is about ordinary places. A trail, a campsite or a long road is different, because help is far away if something goes wrong. The US National Park Service’s trip-planning guide says to choose a trusted contact who is not going with you, give them your destination, your planned activity and the time you expect to be back, and ask them to call the authorities and share your plan if you are not back on time. It also says your phone is not a substitute for the essentials: you may not have service, and the battery may not last the trip. One person adds that a phone or locator beacon should be on your body, not attached to your equipment, because an injury may stop you reaching it.

On hiking alone, park pages and people differ. Mount Rainier says not to travel alone, and White Sands says to avoid hiking alone if possible. Some people say it is manageable with preparation, and one person says the risks are mostly weather, injury and wildlife rather than other people. One person suggests starting with car camping and working up to a hike and a night out. Another says beginners should camp near populated places.

Some people warn that women on their own can face harassment on trails, in some bars and in unfamiliar cities at night. On trails, one person says, other people are the real risk, more than animals. People suggest different answers: one person says remote places feel safer than populated ones, and others suggest sticking to busy places in daylight. If you have been harassed or followed before, or a place feels wrong, that is a reason to pick another place or go with someone. It is not a failure of nerve. A daytime museum and a late bar or an empty trail are not the same decision, and you can choose the setting. If someone follows or threatens you, go to where there are other people and call 911 in the US or 999 in the UK.

When going alone is not the point

Some people say that for them, doing things alone makes the wish for company louder instead of satisfying it, especially when you have already got good at something and what is missing is someone to share it with. If that is you, the outing is not the missing piece, and one person says that being told how lucky you are to be independent does not help: it is better to acknowledge the difficulty than to present being alone as a privilege.

One person says being able to do things alone is not the same as wanting to, and that advice to go it alone does not reach someone who mainly wants connection. Some people say that learning to be comfortable alone keeps you from becoming insecure or clinging in a relationship. Another person says it is fine to manage on your own and still prefer company, and that having the option matters more than learning to love it. Which of those sounds like you is yours to judge. One person also notes that some activities, such as golf, are hard to do alone because of group tee times.

One person says that if you have just moved or a relationship has just ended, doing everything alone is not always the right first step, and suggests volunteering, classes or local groups to build a new circle. There is a page here called Let the hobby do the introductions.

One person says that after two years alone at home it got tougher to leave the house. Another says defaulting to doing things alone can end in loneliness and isolation over time. One person says a solo activity does best alongside a group of others who love the same thing, even if you take part as an individual, and another says avoiding all social contact can prolong social anxiety.

One person says going out alone can make a low mood worse. Another says that when nobody invites you, reading it as proof that you are unlikeable, rather than as a practical matter, can lead to depression, and that it can also push you to take the initiative yourself. The NHS says it is important to see a GP if you think you may be depressed, and describes depression as feeling persistently sad for weeks or months, not just a few days. In the US, a primary care doctor or a mental health professional is the same door.

If you are thinking of harming yourself, call or text 988 in the US, or call Samaritans on 116 123 in the UK, and call 911 or 999 if you are in danger now. If you would just like to talk to someone and it is not an emergency, NAMI lists warmlines in the US, and Samaritans takes calls about whatever you are going through.