Take the work complaint to someone outside work

A coworker rolls their eyes at the manager, and you want to say what you think too. It feels like friendship, and sometimes it is. It is also the moment that some people describe as the one where it went wrong.

If you need to complain about a coworker or your employer, say it to someone outside work, and at work say only what you would be comfortable hearing repeated to the person you are talking about.

This page is about ordinary venting. If what you want to complain about is harassment, discrimination, a safety hazard or pay you are owed, that is a different kind of complaint with its own route, and the last section says where it goes. The legal parts are about the United States.

How a complaint travels

Some people say a complaint made to a coworker about management often gets reported back to leadership, and that this has led to firing or discipline. Some people add that what you tell one coworker gets passed on, sometimes by accident, so that even a listener who meant no harm becomes the route. Some people say even coworkers who agree with you may still report or distort what you said. Some people say a colleague who gossips about others to you will gossip about you, so what they tell you about other people is a signal about what to tell them.

Some people also warn that coworkers may use personal information, such as a mental health condition, to steer a result or to report you to the owners. One person says that sharing health problems or weaknesses at work gives others leverage, however close you feel to them. That is a caution about coworkers and not a reason to hide from everyone: a doctor, a therapist, or a friend outside work are not the people being warned about.

Some people also say that professional relationships differ from friendships because of the power imbalance between people at work, and that treating coworkers as close friends makes you easier to hurt. One person pointed out the other side: real friendships with colleagues exist, including with former managers, and being a colleague does not rule out being a friend.

In writing it lasts longer

Some people say to avoid putting negative opinions or sensitive details in an email or text, because a message makes a record that can be turned against you in a dispute. One person says employers can monitor company computers and phones, so you should assume you have no privacy on them, and one person says not to keep personal information on them. One person warns that a message chain can pull in the very person you were complaining about, and one person says work messages are permanent records, so casual remarks in them are best avoided.

Some people say to keep a dated written log of what happens to you, as protection against false accusations. One person says HR works for the company and not for you, so your own records matter more than HR’s. One person warns that laws on recording differ: US federal law needs at least one person’s consent to a recorded conversation, but some states need everyone’s, and one person says people have been fired for recording without permission. This page does not suggest recording.

What people do instead

Some people suggest saying only what you would be willing to say to the person’s face. Some people suggest the opposite of badmouthing: speaking well of colleagues when they are not there, on the view that what you say about someone can get back to them. One person says it is necessary to let off steam about difficult coworkers to people outside work, such as a roommate, even if the language is unpleasant, and one person says being straight with trusted friends outside work about how you feel toward a colleague beats holding it in, even if it costs a friendship. One person suggests being specific about the action that annoyed you and not attacking the person’s character, which helps you work out what you actually feel.

People argue about the middle ground. One person says you can vent if you filter it, for example by saying only what you would tell your boss, and another says never to vent at work at all. What decides it, they said, is whether you are talking to people inside the workplace or outside it, along with your own tolerance for risk and the culture where you are. This page puts the line at what could be repeated, and does not claim it is the only line.

What the law protects, and what it does not

The National Labor Relations Board says that talking with one or more coworkers about wages, benefits or other working conditions is protected, with or without a union, and that an employer cannot discharge, discipline or threaten you, or question you coercively, about it. It covers a worker acting with or for other workers, such as bringing a group complaint to the employer or trying to start or prepare group action. It does not cover supervisors and managers. You can lose the protection by saying something egregiously offensive or knowingly and maliciously false. A personal gripe with no tie to coworkers’ shared concerns is not clearly covered. So an honest, calm conversation among coworkers about pay or conditions may well be protected, and a private complaint that your manager is a jerk is not something to count on the law for.

Who this page is not for

If what you are complaining about is discrimination or harassment, the EEOC says it is illegal to punish someone for filing a charge, for taking part in an investigation, for reporting discrimination to a supervisor or for discussing salary to find pay discrimination, and it gives a deadline of 180 days to file a charge, longer in some states. If it is a safety hazard, OSHA takes complaints on 1-800-321-6742 and says employers must not retaliate; its deadlines for retaliation complaints run from 30 days to 180 days depending on the law. If it is pay you are owed, the Wage and Hour Division takes confidential complaints on 1-866-487-9243. These are complaints with a route, and they are not the same as venting.

If you work in a close-knit team under heavy stress, such as a brigade-style kitchen, one person argues that the team’s closeness is what makes the work possible, and a rule written for office politics may not fit. If you are outside the United States, the US law above does not apply; in the UK, Acas takes questions on 0300 123 1100, Monday to Friday, 8am to 6pm.

If what is wearing you down is bigger than a coworker, in the US you can call or text 988 at any hour, and in the UK Samaritans answers on 116 123.