A friend is going through something hard — what do I say?

Less than you think, and one question first. Four of the five pages behind this answer agree on the shape: find out what kind of company they want before you offer any, and then build the conversation with seats in it.

Ask: commentary, or just a listening ear? The page of that name began as a confession from someone whose lifelong style, relate with an anecdote and help with a suggestion every time, turned out to be what some people had meant by annoying. The tool they were handed is six seconds long: before the wisdom, ask whether they want your take or just to be heard. One person there went deepest on why unrequested solutions land badly even when they are good. Most of what people say aloud was never a request for a logical response. It is how humans check that they are understood. Advice answers a question nobody asked while skipping the one everybody does. The asked-for opinion is a gift; the same opinion unasked is a grade. And the page refuses to convict the story-swappers: for many friendships the swapped stories and floated ideas are the intimacy. The question is not a rule about which style is right. It finds out which conversation you are in.

If you are the one who needs to talk, say what kind of listening you need. The companion page, Tell them what kind of listening you need, is for the other chair. One sentence up front, I’m not looking for advice, I just need to get this out, and the conversation changes shape to fit you. The case came from the fixers themselves: present them with a problem and something in them has to start solving, not from ego but because watching someone they care about struggle is intolerable. Without a label your vent reads as a work order. Couples who adopted the standing preamble, venting or feedback wanted, said it retired a whole species of argument. Pass this page to your friend if they seem stuck between wanting to talk and dreading your fixes.

Listen to hear, not to reload. That page came from four reformed over-talkers, and its diagnostic is one stroke: you are not building your reply from what they said, you are waiting your turn to say what you had already decided. Their fix is additive, not silencing. Keep your stories, and between them turn the conversation back, what do you think, what has been going on with you, then actually follow what returns. One of them runs a single gauge the whole time: does the other person still seem to be enjoying this?

If the hard thing is a job search, let them bring it up. The page Let them bring up the job hunt is built from people who have been asked any luck? at dinners and parties, again and over. The question arrives as a scoreboard, the answer is no again, said out loud in company, and some of them stopped coming to gatherings because it was waiting at the door. Ask how they are and what has been good, and if there is news they will enjoy telling you. That page is honest that the people in it disagree: some found the silence worse than the question, and it lays the argument out with both sides and no winner. What decides it is the person in front of you. If they raise it, they want to talk. If they deflect, stop. If you are close, ask once which they would prefer. What never helps, on either side: the forwarded listing, the advice from another era, have you tried.

If someone who has been very low suddenly seems calm, or starts giving away things they care about, ask them plainly whether they are thinking about suicide, and do not wait until you are sure. Ask plainly when a low spell goes suddenly calm is for a friend, partner or relative who has noticed that change, and it puts its emergency line first, which this answer keeps whole: if someone may act on thoughts of suicide now, or has already hurt themselves or taken an overdose, do not use the page: call 911 in the US, or 999 in the UK or go to A&E. Elsewhere, use your local emergency number. The US National Institute of Mental Health says that if someone tells you they are going to kill themselves, you should not leave them alone. If you are worried but it is not an emergency, in the US you can call or text 988, the Suicide and Crisis Lifeline, or chat at 988lifeline.org; it says to contact it any time a friend is struggling. In the UK, Samaritans is on 116 123, which the NHS says is open at any time, and NHS 111 can tell you where to get help. The 988 Lifeline also says never to promise to keep it secret, and to remove means such as weapons or pills. If you are the one having these thoughts, the page is about someone else, but the same numbers are for you.

Why ask, and why not wait to be sure. Some people say that when someone at risk moves quickly from a low mood to calm or happiness, that is a red flag and not a recovery, and some describe handing over treasured belongings, or spending money in an odd way, as a sign that someone may be preparing to die. The official lists are longer. The National Institute of Mental Health lists, among other behavior changes, making a plan or researching ways to die, and withdrawing from friends, saying goodbye, giving away important items or making a will, and says to get help as soon as possible, particularly if the behavior is new or has increased recently. What a person says counts too: the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention, a non-profit, lists talk about killing themselves, feeling hopeless, being a burden or having no reason to live, and lists both “Relief/Sudden Improvement” in mood and “Giving away prized possessions” among its warning signs. Treat the sudden calm as a sign that some people describe and one charity lists, not as a settled rule. The signs are not a test: one person warns that a single change of mood is not specific, another says someone can be at risk with none of them, and a calm can have a harmless cause, such as reaching acceptance after a long struggle. Some people say a person can laugh, seem bubbly and have good days while still suffering. You cannot tell from the outside, which is why the advice is to ask.

How to ask: the 988 Lifeline says to be direct and to talk openly and matter-of-factly about suicide. Asking does not plant the idea: the National Institute of Mental Health says that asking about suicidal thoughts and behaviors does not cause or increase them. Something like “Are you thinking about suicide?” is plain in that way. Pick a private moment, in person or on the phone, then listen and do not argue or fix. The NHS says to try to get them to talk, ask open-ended questions, and not worry about having the answers, because listening and taking it seriously can help more than any solution. If they say yes, the 988 Lifeline gives five steps: ask, be there, help keep them safe, help them connect, and follow up. In the UK the NHS says to call 999 for an ambulance or go straight to A&E if someone has seriously harmed themselves or may be about to, and for anything short of that to encourage them to contact their GP. One person warns that suggesting a hotline to the person can make things worse for some people. That is one person’s view, and it is no reason to hold back if someone may act now: call 911 or 999. You can also contact 988 or Samaritans yourself for advice, so the call does not have to come from them.

The page is not for the person whose face simply does not smile, because a neutral face is not a warning sign. It does not tell you how to talk with a child, and one person says children, including some under 13, can have real suicidal thoughts, so start with the numbers. If you are afraid of this person, or they have been violent to you, skip it and use the numbers instead.

Who this is not for. If you share a home and a budget with the person, a proper conversation about money is owed, once, and it is not small talk. And if your friend is in danger or talking about not wanting to be here, this is not a listening-style question: in the US 988 answers by call or text, in the UK Samaritans on 116 123, and you can sit with them while they call.