Ask them about before you were born

You love them. You mean to call. Then the week fills up, and it doesn’t happen, and you tell yourself it will next weekend. Nobody needs to persuade you that your grandparent matters. What the people behind this page offer is smaller and more useful than a reminder that time runs out: a way to make the next call worth more than the last one.

Call your grandparent this week and ask one specific question about their own life — their childhood, how they met their partner, a skill they have — and write down or record what they say.

First: who this is not for

If your grandparent was cruel to you, abused you, or is a danger to your children, this page is not for you, and you owe them nothing it describes. Many people make that point: blood does not oblige anyone to keep calling a person who harms them, and one person says ending contact can leave a person steadier and more confident. Some people add that children should not be pushed into a relationship with an adult who is abusive or dangerous. And one warning is worth knowing even if your family is only difficult: “they won’t be around forever” can be used as a guilt lever by the very relatives who hurt people. There is a page here called Love them from a distance for the middle ground — the relative you want to keep, but at a set distance. And one person describes avoiding a grandparent out of a feeling of being a disappointment to them; if that is what is stopping you, this page doesn’t cover how to get past it.

Harder to place is the grandparent who is not abusive but whose views wound you — about who you love, about race, about politics. People did not agree on that. One person argued for listening anyway, because the old person may be lonely or not realise the effect they have, and some people said it is not worth it when the insults are constant; some stop the conversations altogether. One person’s rule was to stay polite and not go out of your way to please. That is yours to judge.

And if your grandparents have died, or you never knew them, the same idea still holds, some people said: reach out to the people in your life who are glad to hear from you. Many of the people who shared this had no grandparent left to call.

Why a question, not just a visit

Many people say the same thing: being in the room is worth less than asking. Ask about their childhood, how they met the person they married, what they remember of the big events they lived through, how they do the thing they are good at. One person said specific prompts like these are what break the ice and bring out the detailed memories. The questions do two jobs. They tell the person they are interesting in their own right, not only as someone’s grandparent. And they keep a history that exists nowhere else — one person points out that what an older person knows about living a life is not written down in any book.

The loss people describe is not only the missed visit. Some people describe people realising, after a grandparent died, that they knew little of the person beyond their place in the family. Others regret the recipe never written down, the advice never kept, the war story nobody recorded, the voice they cannot hear again. For many people, that regret comes up in some form. It is heavy, and it is not the reason to call. The reason is what you get when you do.

One person gave an account of what that is. The childhood memories — stargazing together, hearing the same story told again — turned out to be the treasure. Another said older people may be more attentive to a call from a grandchild than to one from their own children. And one person said a call may be the only conversation an older person has all day. In the United States, about one in four people aged 65 and older who live in the community, rather than in a care home, counts as socially isolated, a 2020 National Academies report found. And for some people a grandparent was the nearest thing to a parent they had: one person says a grandfather stood in for an absent father, and it is his pride they still want.

Keeping it going

• Small is enough. Many people say small gestures improve an older person’s day and strengthen the bond: a phone call, a handwritten note, sending them a small thing that made you think of them. One person said a weekly call is sufficient to keep the bond and to make sure they remember the relationship. Others keep a monthly call, or a daily one.
• If you live far away, some people say video calls, emails, texts or letters are a real substitute. Some people pointed out that weekly family dinners are unrealistic for some families; the answers were a dinner over video, or simply less often.
• Call at an hour they are awake, even if you are up late. People disagree on surprise visits: one person called them a wonderful way to show care, and some people said an older person may need to prepare, or may want to say no on a bad day. Which is right depends on the grandparent — some enjoy the surprise, others need to be ready. This page’s reading: if you don’t know which kind they are, phone ahead.
• Distance, money, time zones, deafness and not being able to drive all got in the way for people. Hearing loss and a language that has drifted apart between generations can make deep conversation hard; one person adds that a shared language can fade if contact lapses. How to get round those barriers is not covered here.
• Some people will not talk about parts of their past. One person describes an uncle who never spoke about a war. Pushing is not always right.
• Honesty is welcome. One person said grandparents appreciate direct conversations about getting old and about their life, more than polite avoidance of the hard subjects.
• You don’t have to choose between family and friends. One person points out it plainly: you can keep calling your grandparent and keep your friendships and your love life going too.
• It is fine if part of the reason you visit is your own comfort. Some people describe visiting a grandparent mainly out of their own loneliness, and one person calls that morally murky. People also say it does both of you good — the older person is less alone, and the younger one learns things about the world they did not know.

Some people describe the kind of person who keeps it going. One is the youngest grandchild, who visits on a regular schedule because the others stopped and somebody should. The other was, at the time of writing, travelling to see a great-aunt who had just moved into a retirement home with a cancer diagnosis, because she had spent recent Christmases alone.

When they are declining

Some people describe families who kept gathering even as a grandparent became confused or was dying, though it was hard. Dementia changes the visit. One person warns a grandparent may not recognise you, and another that repetitive or muddled speech can be frustrating; one person described stopping trying to talk after their grandmother began repeating sentences, though she still knew who they were. A warning from the same people applies here: do not force a deep conversation on someone who can no longer take part. Being there counts. What to say to someone whose dementia is advanced is something this page leaves open.

People did not agree about the very end. One person said the last days can feel hollow, like a performance, with the mourner grieving for themselves more than for the grandparent. Some people said to be there anyway, so as not to carry the guilt afterwards. One person describes the impatience that can come as someone declines, and finding yourself mourning your own lost youth. Another says being absent when a grandparent dies — especially believing you could have saved them — can bring guilt and depression that lasts months or years. Nobody can make that choice for you.

One person said a move into assisted living can make a grandparent’s life better and visiting easier, and one person warns home care for someone with dementia can stop being safe, whatever the family would prefer.

One more account from the same conversations: a family rift, where a parent kept part of the family away, meant those relatives missed a grandmother’s last days — and the person telling it regretted having gone along with it. If a rift like that is all that stands between your grandparent and the people who love them, it may be worth asking whether it still has to. How to repair an estrangement where nobody was abusive is not something this page covers.

The call does not need to be long, and it does not need to be the last one. It needs one question you have never asked.