How do I make time for the older people in my life?

Two pages in this library are about the older people around you who are not in your care. Ask them about before you were born is the grandparent, or another older relative, you love and keep meaning to call. Say hello, then let them decide is the older person on their own in a queue, a waiting room or the house next door. One is family and one is not, and each says who it is not for.

First, who this is not for. If your grandparent was cruel to you, abused you, or is a danger to your children, Ask them about before you were born says it is not for you, and you owe them nothing it describes. Many people make that point: blood does not oblige anyone to keep calling a person who harms them. Some people add that children should not be pushed into a relationship with an adult who is abusive or dangerous, and one warning is worth knowing even if your family is only difficult: “they won’t be around forever” can be used as a guilt lever by the very relatives who hurt people. A grandparent whose views wound you is harder to place, and people did not agree; the page says that is yours to judge. And Say hello, then let them decide says that if the older person is your own parent, it is not your guide, because your questions are different.

Call this week, and ask one question about their own life. Ask them about before you were born says knowing is not the problem: many people say time with a grandparent runs out without warning, and others describe knowing it, meaning to act, and running out of time. The gap was never knowing. It was the call not happening this week. So the page asks for one call and one specific question, about their childhood, how they met the person they married, what they remember of the big events they lived through, or how they do the thing they are good at, and for you to write down or record what they say. Many people say asking is worth more than being in the room. One person said specific prompts like these are what break the ice and bring out the detailed memories, and the questions keep a history that, one person points out, is not written down in any book. One person said a call may be the only conversation an older person has all day; in the United States, about one in four people aged 65 and older who live in the community, rather than in a care home, counts as socially isolated, a 2020 National Academies report found.

Keeping it going can be small, the page says: a phone call, a handwritten note, a small thing that made you think of them. One person said a weekly call is enough to keep the bond; others keep a monthly call, or a daily one. If you live far away, some people say video calls, emails, texts or letters are a real substitute. Call at an hour they are awake. Some people will not talk about parts of their past, and pushing is not always right. If they repeat the same stories, some people describe that as a normal part of time with older relatives; one person suggests steering with specific questions, and one warning is worth keeping before you write anything down: older relatives can misremember details or mix up where a story came from, so treat the notebook as their memories, not as a history book. If you want to record them, ask first: it is kinder, and in some places it is also the law; in California, for example, recording a private conversation without the consent of everyone in it is a crime.

When a grandparent is declining, the page says dementia changes the visit: one person warns a grandparent may not recognise you, and another that repetitive or muddled speech can be frustrating. A warning from the same people applies here: do not force a deep conversation on someone who can no longer take part. Being there counts. People did not agree about the very end, and the page says nobody can make that choice for you.

With an older stranger or neighbour: say something ordinary, then let them decide whether it becomes a conversation. Say hello, then let them decide says that because they are old, you think about it, and the thinking stops you. Some people describe brief, ordinary contact with an older person as worth more than it looks, because it told someone they were still seen as a regular person and not only as an old one. One person’s explanation is that by later life someone may have outlived the friends and family they grew up with. The hello the page means is the one you would give anybody, not a special tone, and some people say to talk to an older person as a grown-up with a long life behind them: no baby talk, no sing-song tone, no fake excitement. One person adds the exception: simpler speech is right only when someone’s dementia means they need it to follow you. What works instead is interest; one warning belongs beside it, that a question about a war can open something painful, so ask kindly, and if they turn it aside, let it go.

If they tell you they do not hear well, the American Speech-Language-Hearing Association says not to shout at all, because shouting makes speech harder to follow, and to face the person, use your ordinary tone and move somewhere quieter if you can; the UK hearing-loss charity RNID adds that if they miss something, say it a different way rather than just again.

The page gives the other side a proper hearing. Some older people are out alone because they want to be, and find a stranger’s chat intrusive; the warnings are direct: do not approach someone who looks like they want to be left alone, and do not decide someone is lonely from their age and the fact that they are sitting by themselves. What decides it, in their own words, is the person’s personality and their mood that day. The page’s reading is that a hello which asks for nothing lets the person make that call themselves, and if they look away or keep it short, smile and let it end there. If you have no energy for this, it says that with strangers and neighbours there is no duty at all, only an offer you can make on the days you have it, and a warm nod is not a lesser thing.

With a neighbour, the same thing repeated is how a neighbour becomes a friend. Some people with older relatives say to put a repeating reminder in your calendar; one person says not to wait to be asked, because older people may think you have no time for them; and one suggestion is to let them help you, by borrowing something small or asking their advice. If you bring food, ask first; one person’s reminder is diabetes. If you would like a way in with some structure, one person says anyone can volunteer at a care home through its activities coordinator, and another describes delivering meals to older people who cannot get out, where the volunteer is also the person who notices a fall or an illness. Meals on Wheels America, in the Resource Bank and cited below, says that many of its local programmes offer a safety check or a friendly visit along with the food.

If they seem worse than lonely. The neighbour page does not guess at signs of neglect, and says where to take a worry. If someone is in danger right now, call 911 in the US or 999 in the UK, or your local emergency number elsewhere. If you are worried someone is being neglected or harmed, or cannot look after themselves: in the US, anyone can contact their local Adult Protective Services, which also deals with self-neglect, and the Eldercare Locator, 1-800-677-1116, in the Resource Bank and cited below, can point you to local help. In the UK, the local council’s adult social care or safeguarding team takes these concerns from anyone, a neighbour included; in Northern Ireland it is the adult safeguarding team of the local Health and Social Care Trust. One person raises a harder thing, that loneliness in later life can be dangerous, especially for older men; the page says US suicide figures cannot show what part loneliness plays, but among men the suicide rate in 2022 and 2023 was highest in those aged 75 and over. If someone you talk to says they do not see the point any more, you do not have to handle it alone: the 988 Suicide and Crisis Lifeline in the US (call or text 988) and Samaritans in the UK (116 123, free, day or night) will talk to you about how to help, or to them.

Who this is not for, and what these pages cannot give. The grandparent page does not cover what to say after years of silence, how to keep in touch with someone who cannot hear well or does not use a phone, how to talk with someone whose dementia is advanced, or how to live with guilt after cutting a grandparent off. The neighbour page does not cover how to tell loneliness from a wish for privacy, how to talk with someone whose dementia is advanced or who is confused and distressed, or how to spot neglect. And if your grandparents have died, or you never knew them, some people said the same idea still holds: reach out to the people in your life who are glad to hear from you.