Say hello, then let them decide

You are in a queue, and the older person in front of you is on their own. If they were your own age you might say something about the wait without thinking. Because they are old, you think about it, and the thinking stops you. Will it be welcome? Will it sound like pity? Would they rather be left alone?

Say something ordinary, the way you would to anyone, and then let them decide whether it becomes a conversation.

Some people describe brief, ordinary contact with an older person as worth more than it looks: a chat in a shop, a few words at a fast-food table. They also name what the words did: they told someone they were still seen as a regular person, and not only as an old one. Others add a daily greeting on a dog walk, some good for the person who stops as well, and a brief chat that turns up a surprising story.

Why a few words can matter

One person’s explanation is simple and hard: by later life, someone may have outlived the friends and family they grew up with, so there is nobody left from their own years to talk to. Another points at the places that used to do this work. In rural areas especially, this person says, church was mainly the place people saw each other, and leaving it left a gap that is hard to fill.

One person says that for some older clients, the cleaner or the repair technician is the only person they talk to all day, and asks those workers to put the conversation ahead of speed. A medical professional who talks with older patients every day describes meeting, often, people with no one to support them, and making time to hear their stories.

Talk to them as the adult they are

Some people make one point in different words: talk to an older person as a grown-up with a long life behind them. No baby talk, no sing-song tone, no fake excitement. One person adds the exception: simpler speech is right only when someone’s dementia means they need it to follow you. Another says a sharp-minded person treated like a sad child will be offended, and rightly.

What works instead is interest. Ask what they did, where they have been, what they make of the news. Some people say those who have lived a long time carry history and stories worth asking about, and one of them adds that those stories can be lost if nobody asks. One person’s list of what came up: no television, shared party phone lines, vacuum tubes. One warning belongs here: a question about a war can open something painful. Ask kindly, and if they turn it aside, let it go.

If they tell you they do not hear well, one person says louder is not enough: speak clearly, and make sure they can see your mouth. Hearing-loss guidance agrees and goes further. The American Speech-Language-Hearing Association says not to shout at all, because shouting makes speech harder to follow, and to face the person, use your ordinary tone and move somewhere quieter if you can. The UK hearing-loss charity RNID adds that if they miss something, say it a different way rather than just again. And if someone’s memory or thinking is failing, one person found you may only get answers to simple things, like food. That is fine. Being there counts for more than what gets said.

The other half of the argument

Some people push back, and they deserve a proper hearing. Some older people are out alone because they want to be. They may just want to finish their errand and go home. One person describes older people who would switch off their hearing aids rather than chat. Another warns that some are rude or even hostile, and that advice to be kind does not allow for personality. The warnings are direct: do not approach someone who looks like they want to be left alone, and do not decide someone is lonely from their age and the fact that they are sitting by themselves.

How to tell, from the outside, loneliness from a wish for privacy is not covered here, and this page does not claim to know. The ordinary hello is how you avoid having to guess. One person’s middle ground is a light acknowledgement rather than a forced chat: a nod, a word, a smile, and room to answer or not. Whatever happens next is their choice, not your test. The two sides of this argument are set out below.

The neighbour

The same thing, repeated, is how a neighbour becomes a friend. One person urges younger homeowners to get to know the older people on their street: it makes the street safer, and it runs both ways, with advice going one direction and help with chores the other. Another describes what a neighbour can be to someone living alone, in help with a phone or a computer and in simple company, and warns that moving away without keeping in touch can leave lasting regret on both sides. One more person describes children and older neighbours finding their own way of getting on.

Three habits people shared help it last:

• Put it in your calendar. Some people with older relatives say to set a repeating reminder, because good intentions forget and regular contact steadies people. One person says the same habit works for anyone who never makes the first move. Another person’s examples of keeping it small: a game of dominoes, a visit every other Sunday.
• Do not wait to be asked. One person’s explanation for the silence, about older relatives: they may think you have no time for them. Making the first move answers that. Another says years of small, regular contact, with an older relative in their case, grow into real trust and far better conversations than the first small talk.
• Let them help you. One suggestion, made about older relatives, carries over next door: ask to borrow something small, or ask their advice. Being useful keeps a person from feeling like a burden.

Two practical notes. Some people, talking about phone calls to older relatives, warn that a quick call can run long, and a chat can too, so go in knowing how much time you have. Another person admits being stuck with long stories when they had only meant to nod. And if you bring food, ask first. One person’s reminder is diabetes.

If you want a way in with some structure

If striking up a chat with strangers is not you, one person points out that libraries and senior living places are better places to find someone who would like company than a chance meeting in the street. Another said younger people can hold back for fear of being a bother, and wished for a programme that would introduce them. Such routes exist. One person points out that anyone can volunteer at a care home through its activities coordinator, keeping people company or doing their nails. Another describes delivering meals to older people who cannot get out, where the volunteer is also the person who notices a fall or an illness. Meals on Wheels America says that many of its local programmes offer a safety check or a friendly visit along with the food. The services below can point you to one in the United States.

Stories about care homes pull in different directions, and each is one person’s experience. One says residents with no spouse or children can go years without a visitor. Another person, after eight years working in homes, saw residents without family get more attention, not less, through volunteers and companion programmes. It depends on the home and how it is staffed. Either way, you would be adding to someone’s week, not rescuing them.

Who this page is not for

If the older person is your own parent, this page is not your guide. Your questions are different, and some people raise each of these: making plans for money, legal matters and housing while your parent can still take part, because waiting until they decline leads to conflict and confusion; and putting their contacts, medical history and medicines where a paramedic can find them fast, taped to the fridge or in a wallet. Those deserve more than a paragraph.

If you have no energy for other people right now, or talking to strangers costs you more than it gives, you are not the reader either. The question below is for you. And if you live somewhere a stranger starting a chat is itself unusual, one person notes that too. There, a nod may be the whole of the hello, and it still counts.