Let different friends know different parts of you

Your friends mention their best friends. You listen and realise you do not have one. You have people, and you like them. But there is nobody you would call first, tell everything and be completely yourself with, and it can feel like a gap that everyone else has already filled.

Many people describe this same feeling: friends, and still no single best friend.

If you have friends but no single best friend, let different people know different parts of you, instead of waiting for one person to know all of it.

(That does not mean giving up on wanting one close person. One person says a friend like that does exist and takes time to find, and that is covered further down. If you have no friends at all, the section called Who this page is not for points you to where to start.)

Why the standard may be too high

Some people say the picture of one person who is your confidant, your playmate and someone you tell everything is often an unrealistic expectation, shaped by how the media show friendship. They say it does not take total openness to be close. One person adds that people wear different faces for family, work, church and different friends, and that it is hard to find a place where every one of them can come off, which often leaves a spouse as the main candidate. Another says nobody, even a lifelong best friend, gets to see everything, and that keeping some thoughts to yourself is normal.

People disagree about whether total ease with another person can be reached. One person says it can, through work, time and both people opening up. Another says it cannot, and that the only person you can be completely comfortable with is yourself. The page does not settle it.

Some people say the single label “best” causes trouble of its own. It ranks one friend above the rest, and they say that creates pressure and jealousy that can strain the friendships it is meant to honour. One person puts it as a matter of tiers: “best friend” describes how close someone is, so several people can be in that group. Another says the idea is subjective and shifts with your circumstances. Some people point out that the claim that nobody has a best friend after their early twenties is too absolute; one says every friend in their own circle has one.

People also disagree about how usual it is to have none: some say it is the ordinary adult situation, one person says adults do keep best friends, which can make it feel lonelier.

Different friends, different parts

Some people say it works better to have a group in which different friends fill different roles, one for hanging out and another for deep talk, than to look for one person for everything. One person says a small circle of very close friends, each of whom would go out of their way for you, can do the same work as a single best friend. Another has close friends and sees no need to rank them. A third says all of their friends count equally.

For some people, the partner is that person. Some say their partner is the only one they feel fully at ease with, and one person says a wish for a separate friend of the same kind can remain even so.

Closeness takes time

Some people say deep friendships take years and can come later in life than you would expect, and that when the right person turns up is down to timing, not a sign that you failed. Some say a close friendship may be rare and number only one or two in a lifetime, and may form late, for example through a shared background or through work. One person says luck, being nearby and a spark between two people matter more than any fault in you. Another says people who do not form close ties until their twenties or later can find closeness foreign, which means being more forward, or more willing to accept that others are.

Some people say close friendships form more readily around shared activities, hobbies and values than by asking someone outright for closeness, so putting yourself where people with your interests gather helps. One person says regular contact, such as a sports team, a club or a job, builds depth over time. Some say you may have to make the first move, a text or an invitation, even though it is uncomfortable, and that if a campus or a circle feels closed, changing your surroundings may help.

What closeness asks of you

Some people say deep friendship needs time, shared hard moments, and learning to be open while keeping your own ego in check. One person says that sharing struggles and negative feelings is part of it, and that being only fun and upbeat can stop others from feeling they know you. One person describes being the one who listens and advises, with nobody to lean on in return. One person warns that hiding your own troubles to avoid being a burden can leave you isolated even with many acquaintances. The page called Maybe it isn’t more friends you need says more about how to begin.

Go carefully. Some people warn that being completely open can lead friends to leave or judge you. One person says a pact with some others to be fully open worked at first and then wore them out. One person warns against showing every raw impulse, because it is tiring for others, and another against sharing so much with someone who has serious troubles of their own that you lose yourself helping them. One person says focusing too hard on finding a best friend can come across as need, and push people away.

Some people say to work on your own interests and your relationship with yourself first. Others push back: one person loves their own company and still wants that bond with someone else, and some people say that advice dismisses the pain of loneliness.

If friends talk about their best friends

People disagree about saying “my best friend” aloud. One side calls ranking friends childish and says it can leave others feeling second. The other says naming real closeness is natural, and that hiding it is odd. One person suggests saying “one of my best friends,” which names closeness without a ranking. One person says being on the hearing end of it can hurt, and another that it matters more if you are close to the person left out and less if you are a casual friend. One person says that an explicit label can help people who find social cues hard to read, such as some autistic people.

Who this page is not for

If you have no friends at all, this is the wrong problem. This page is about people who have friends and miss one particular kind of closeness. The pages called Reach out first and Join the club. Really. start where you are.

If you want one best friend, and spreading closeness across several people feels like being told to settle, this page has no more to offer than what is above. It does not cover how to accept that, and it does not ask you to.

If the wish for one person is very intense, one person says it can sometimes be codependency, and that working on boundaries may matter more than finding that bond. This page cannot say whether that is you. Some people say therapy helped them see the gap between the friendships they wanted and the ones they had, and how to close it.

If feeling this alone has started to feel hopeless, you can call or text 988 in the US, or call Samaritans on 116 123 in the UK, at any hour.