Say how long your break is and when you will be back

Your heart is going, your thoughts have gone thin, and the argument is getting worse. You know the right move is to step away. But a partner may hear it as you leaving them, and a walk-out that is not explained can make things worse than staying would have.

When you need to step away from an argument, say out loud how long you need and that you will come back to it, then come back at that time.

This page is for two people who both feel safe in the argument. If you are afraid of your partner, the box at the top is the part to use, and a better break is not the answer.

Why the time matters

Some people say stepping out of an argument is acceptable, but that a partner who grows anxious when you pull back needs a stated, reasonable time limit, such as “I need a 30 minute break”, so they know the talk will resume. One person adds that some partners become more anxious when someone walks away to cool down unless a return time is given.

The American Psychological Association says the same from its side: if you need to step away to cool down before continuing, make a promise to come back later and finish the discussion.

What to say, and when to say it

Say three things in a few words: why, how long, and that you will return. For example, “I am too worked up to talk well. I need 30 minutes. I will come back and we will carry on.” That wording is an example, and not a script anyone tested.

One person, who is a therapist, outlines the same approach: practice the communication skills while you are calm so they are there when you are not, use a structured time-out to shift from being right to solving it together, and use slow belly breathing to settle the body. One person suggests asking for time to think and asking “how do we solve this fairly?” One person says to discuss boundaries and feelings with the other person when you are both calm, and that you can use a therapist or a trusted friend to practice the conversation first.

What to do during it

Many people say breathing is the first tool: slow deep breaths, or counting a rhythm, to settle the body’s fight-or-flight response. The NHS lists a faster heartbeat as one of the ways anger shows in the body, and suggests counting to 10 and doing calming breathing exercises. The American Psychological Association says shallow breathing is angry breathing, and suggests slow, controlled breaths from the belly rather than the chest. One person suggests a longer breath out, squeezing something in your hand, or taking a walk. One person warns that trying to talk while you have stopped breathing can make things worse; another says not to try to work the problem out while your pulse is racing and your head is foggy, and to deal with the body first. One person says some people have to calm themselves down before they can deal with the issue at all.

One person says basic needs such as food and rest, and comfort such as a hug or quiet, can interrupt the anger cycle so a calmer talk is possible later. Some people say calm is a skill built by regular practice, such as meditation, more than an in-the-moment trick.

The NHS also suggests talking to someone who is not connected to the situation. One person calls staying calm so that the other person looks bad a game you always lose, because the dynamic eventually flips.

When you come back

Come back at the time you said. Then some people say the goal is to solve the problem or keep the relationship, not to win, which lowers the sense of threat that sets anger off. Some people also say it helps to read the other person’s anger as pain, stress or a misunderstanding rather than malice, and to look for what is under the complaint. One person says a small complaint, about laundry for instance, may be the third time from their side, which explains how strongly they react. One person warns against telling your partner that they are really only upset because of a bad day at work, even if you think so: saying it is counterproductive. This page does not cover what to do if you are not ready when the time is up.

If breaks are not enough

Some people say structured courses, such as those used in legal or correctional settings, give a useful framework. One person says breathing and counting are only a short-term fix, and that the lasting work is going to therapy to see why you get so angry, and recommends dialectical behavior therapy for practical emotion-regulation skills. The NHS says to see a GP if you are struggling to manage your anger, your own efforts are not working, or you are acting in a violent or abusive way, and that NHS Talking Therapies can be asked for directly, without a GP. The American Psychological Association says to consult a psychologist or other licensed mental health professional if you continue to feel overwhelmed. If your anger is faster than any pause, there is a page here called “When anger beats the pause, get help for it”.

Who this page is not for

This page is not for someone who is being mistreated. One person warns that advice to stay calm and think the best of the other person has to be weighed against real mistreatment: if your partner is regularly rude or hostile, looking after yourself comes first. If your partner stops you leaving, or you are afraid of what happens when you do, the lines in the box at the top are for that: the National Domestic Violence Hotline on 1-800-799-7233 in the US, and the National Domestic Abuse Helpline on 0808 2000 247 in the UK. In the UK, the NHS also names Refuge, Women’s Aid and, for men, Respect’s Men’s Advice Line as support for people experiencing domestic abuse. In an emergency, call 911 or 999.

It is also not for a boss or a customer who is shouting; there is a page here called “Leave the room when the shouting starts” for work. And it is not for a partner who keeps refusing a break after many requests: this page does not cover that, though one person says that may point to a deeper mismatch.

If you are the one worried about hurting someone, the NHS says to see a GP, and Samaritans is on 116 123 (in the US, call or text 988).