Set the Christmas number before the shops do

Christmas is coming and the money is not. Maybe you are already dreading the list of who you will have to buy for, or the face someone pulls when you say you cannot. Some people describe the pressure to spend whether you can afford it or not. If your family treats gifts as proof of love, or you already owe money from last Christmas, parts of this are the wrong tool; the end of the page says which.

Decide now the most you can spend on Christmas without borrowing, and fit the gifts to that number, not the number to the gifts.

Start with the number

Some people say a strict budget is essential, and that it has to be a number you are comfortable with, whatever size the family norm is. Some people suggest putting a small amount aside from each paycheck or each month, so there is a cash fund for the holidays and no card to pay off afterwards. The arithmetic is yours to do: divide the number by the paychecks between now and Christmas, and that is what to set aside each time.

If the number turns out to be small, or zero, the gifts have to change, not the bill. Putting gifts on a card, or on a buy now, pay later plan, only moves the cost into January.

Shrink the list before you shrink the gifts

One person limits gifts to immediate family and close friends and drops extended family, coworkers and acquaintances.

Stop swapping gifts between adults

Many people say adults can drop gift exchanges with each other altogether, and some people describe having done it for years. Some people say limiting gifts to children only cuts the money stress, and that the adults in their group went along with it. Some people suggest a household rule that adults do not swap gifts, sometimes covering birthdays and weddings too, with cash as the only alternative if anyone insists.

Keep a swap, but cap it

Some people suggest a Secret Santa or white-elephant exchange with a low price cap, so each adult buys one gift instead of one for everyone. One person’s no-buy version is that everyone brings something they already own or found second-hand. Another person’s idea is an ornament exchange.

Put the money in the day, not the parcels

Some people suggest that if individual gifts are out of reach you put the money into something shared, like the meal, the drinks or a game. Some people say a donation to a charity in someone’s name is a valid alternative to a gift, though it may upset relatives who expect something to unwrap; one person’s family was angry, calling it wasted money.

Make something

Some people say baking, cards or simple handmade things cost little and feel personal. One person points out that baking is not cheap if you do not already own the ingredients, and some people note that handmade gifts take time. One person says handmade gifts get thrown away unless they are very well made or edible. One person says they would rather get nothing than cheap, obligatory items, and another that their children hated homemade gifts. And one person notes that homemade bread leaves out anyone with coeliac disease: if you give food, say what is in it, as the box at the top of the page says.

Buy through the year, from next year

Some people suggest buying gifts in sales and clearance across the year instead of in December, which lowers the cost and the pressure of choosing. One person buys age-appropriate toys at a deep discount after the holiday for use in later years. It is late for that this year. And the hunting has its own price: one person says getting half off took a great deal of work and stress, and one person notes that deal-hunting can itself cost time and stress.

Is a small gift better than none?

People disagree. Some people say it is better to give nothing than clearance items the person will throw away. One person says nothing is fine when you are struggling, because friends and family will understand; another says even a cheap or homemade gift does more for the relationship. One person’s rule is simpler: give a gift only if you come across something you are sure the person will love, and do not force one because it is the season. One person adds that there is no duty to give back: you can say thank you, or answer an expensive gift you did not ask for with something very cheap, though another person warns that this can end the other person’s gifts, and a third that not giving back may seem rude where you have not said so in advance.

Tell people early

Some people say friends and family will understand when you tell them your situation in advance, and that lowering expectations lowers the stress. This page does not give wording for the conversation. Some people warn that families can react with anger or guilt-tripping. One person says relatives tried to get round a couple’s decision by drawing names, and another that relatives may keep buying you gifts anyway, leaving you feeling you owe them something. One person says that even after agreeing on non-material gifts they end up spending more on their partner each year. The warnings are real and so is the saving; you can weigh both.

If there are school-age children

Some people say children starting school meet peer pressure about toys, and that a child who does not get traditional gifts can be distressed. Others suggest ways round it. Some people say children do not keep track of who gave them what, so a small number of presents is enough, even when grandparents add their own. Some people suggest practical things as the main presents, such as pyjamas, socks, toothbrushes, plus one or two toys the child chose. One person suggests asking the child directly, because children’s tastes are not what adults assume. Some people say shared experiences, a sledding day, a cooking afternoon, a treasure hunt, are remembered more fondly than objects and leave less clutter and stress. One person argues that children prefer a calm parent to expensive presents. People disagree about how much missing out costs a child, and this page cannot settle it; it may depend on the child’s age and on what the children around them get.

What fills the day without gifts

Some people suggest free or low-cost things to do instead: baking together, sledding, puzzles, caroling, volunteering, library visits, films. One person says Christmas can be about gathering and time together and not buying, and that you can leave out the commercial side and still keep the holiday.

Who this page is not for

If you already owe money from Christmas, this page does not cover paying it off; the debt advice services listed below do, in the United States and the UK. If your family treats gifts as a measure of care, one person warns that where a history of poverty sits behind it, gifts that cost too little or are not personal enough can cause a row. In that case a capped swap or a few small personal gifts may fit better than none, and the choice is yours. If giving is the part you love, one person says what it gives them lies in the hours of choosing and wrapping, not in the price; a low number can still hold that. If there is no money at all, even a capped swap may be more than you can spend, and one person suggests a letter saying what the person means to you.

Whatever number you land on, you set it before the shops did, and that was the point.