Talk to the bartender first

You are standing just inside the door of a bar, on your own. Everyone else seems to have arrived with someone, and the longer you stand there the louder one thought gets: they already know each other, and you do not fit. One person warns that waiting makes it worse, because the longer you leave it before speaking to anyone, the harder the first word gets.

If you go to a bar alone, talk to the bartender in a quiet moment, and do it soon after you arrive instead of after an hour of watching the room.

(This is for an evening out and a first conversation. If what you want is a close friend, or you do not want to be in bars at all, the last section is for you.)

Why the bartender

Many people suggest starting there. Some give the reasons: it is a low-risk place to begin, serving customers and chatting is part of the job, and the bartender gives your visit an anchor, so you are not just standing around. Some say that if the chat goes well, people next to you may join in, or the bartender may introduce you.

Some small how-tos, each from one person. One person says to keep the talk light and stay away from politics and religion. Another says to order something specific and tip well. One person says to keep it friendly and not flirtatious while you are settling in. And bartenders are working: one person notes they chat in the gaps between other customers, and another says going earlier in the week, when the bar is quieter, gives them more time for you.

Speak early

Some people say the best plan is to start talking right after you arrive, to the door staff, the bartender or the first person you see, instead of watching from a distance. Some say the smoking area is a good place to meet people, because it makes a smaller, chattier group. This page does not suggest taking up smoking or vaping to do it, and one person calls advice to start smoking for this purpose irresponsible.

If your anxiety is high, some people say a smaller goal is fine at first: go, stay a short while, and make only light contact, such as a nod or a few words with the staff. Some people also say you can go with no goal of meeting anyone, and treat getting comfortable on your own as the thing you are practising.

What to say

Some people suggest low-pressure openers: a comment on something you can both see, such as a game on the screen or a dog. One person says a single quick interjection is expected and often welcome, and another that asking a specific question, such as for a drink recommendation, works better than saying you are there to make friends. Another says to end your statements with a question so the talk keeps going. One person suggests choosing a bar with pool, darts or shuffleboard, where you can ask to play or be shown how, which gives you a reason to talk that does not feel like walking up cold.

Know when to back off. One person says that if a group goes quiet around you or does not answer, you should leave them to it. Another says to move on to another group, because being taken in is not guaranteed and you do not have to stay with a group that is not responding.

People disagree about joining a group that is already talking. One person says it is rude. Another says it can be fine if you are tactful, because groups sometimes welcome an outside view. One person also warns that approaching strangers can lead to being accused of making them uncomfortable, even when your intent is innocent.

Something to do with your hands

Some people say bringing a book or a notebook gives you a reason to be there, and that curiosity draws others to ask what it is. Others disagree: one person says a book or a phone on the bar can read as a sign that you want to be left alone. Noise and staff both matter, people say. On noise, some people say loud, high-energy places are poor for conversation and for reading. On staff, one person says some bars do not like patrons reading or working at the bar.

Choose the place and the time

Some people say places built around something are easier, such as trivia, karaoke, game nights or tastings, since the people around you share a reason for being there, and the format gives you something to talk about. One person separates bars made for mixing, with shared tables and moving seats, from restaurants that serve drinks, which they say do not work for talking to strangers. Another says a bar with a fire pit makes group conversation easy. For a first try, one person says a crowded club is a poor choice and a quieter place or time is better. One person adds that daytime can mean few people and little energy.

Some people say going back to the same place and learning the regulars’ names helps over time. One person says singing karaoke at a dive bar led to lasting friendships with regulars, once they committed to performing in spite of their nerves.

The feeling at the door

Some people say the discomfort comes more from what you expect others to think than from what they do, and that it helps to remember some people in the room may be lonely too. Some say acting as if you belong, and not staring at others, keeps the moment from feeling awkward. One person says going in awkwardly and putting up with it gets you used to discomfort and being turned down, so later visits get easier. One person who finds these places hard says not to put on a loud party persona, because it feels forced, and that being yourself draws people who suit you.

The advice has critics. One person says a bare “just go” skips the hard part, because the people who say it are mostly already at ease in a room.

What a bar can and cannot do

People disagree about whether a bar is a good place to meet people at all; both sides are set out below this page. Some people say bars suit casual company or dating better than a close friendship, and that a team, a league, a class or a recurring group works better for friends, because you keep seeing the same people. Some also say that even classes such as pottery or yoga can be quiet, with people keeping to themselves.

One person says that being approached at a bar is more likely to mean romantic interest than friendship. This page does not cover how to handle romantic attention you do not want.

A short note on drink. Some people say a drink eases the first hour and that you lean on it less as your confidence grows. Others warn: one person says using alcohol as your main social tool is a slope toward dependence, and another that being drunk works against what you came for. The NHS lists often feeling the need to have a drink as a sign to ask for support; it says to start with your GP, and its free, confidential UK helpline, Drinkline, is 0300 123 1110. In the US, the helpline listed with this page can point you to treatment.

Who this page is not for

If you are under the legal drinking age where you live, this page is not for you.

If you want a close friend more than an evening out, bars are a weak route, and the pages called Let the hobby do the introductions and Join the club. Really. are closer to what you need.

If you do not enjoy bars, one person says trying to socialize there works against you. And if starting conversations is too stressful, one person says a bar may be the wrong venue for you, and that a different one could suit you better.

If drink is already a problem, or it is how you get through the anxiety, Don’t drink your way through the shyness is for you.

If going out alone feels unsafe where you live, one person says the risk to a woman who goes to a bar alone depends on the area and the bar, and that going with a friend is safer. Nothing on this page asks you to stay anywhere that feels wrong.