How do I teach my young child about their body, hugs and secrets?

One page in this library answers this. It is for a parent or carer of a young child, in the US and the UK. A few short habits, begun while a child is small, tell them that their body is theirs, that a secret that upsets them can be told, and that you will listen.

Use the real names for body parts, let your child say no to a hug or a kiss, and teach them that a surprise is fine but a secret that makes them sad, worried or scared should be told to a safe adult. Let your child say no to a hug, and teach them which secrets to tell puts its safety box first, and if a child has already told you something that worries you, that box is the part to read. If a child tells you someone has hurt them, or you think a child is being hurt, and the child is in danger now, call 911 in the US or 999 in the UK. You do not have to be sure before you ask for advice: the NSPCC, a UK children’s charity, says “You don’t have to be certain, you don’t have to know for sure.” If a child tells you, the NSPCC says to listen carefully and not look shocked or as if you do not believe them, because that could make the child stop talking or take back what they said; to tell them they did the right thing and that it is not their fault; to say you will take them seriously; and not to confront the person the child says did it, because that could make things worse for the child. The NSPCC also says to explain what you will do next, and to report what the child told you as soon as you can, taking accurate notes soon afterwards. In the US, a 2009 fact sheet for parents from the National Child Traumatic Stress Network says not to make promises you can’t keep, such as saying you won’t tell anyone, to get the child away from the person and report to local authorities, and to get medical care for any physical harm; it also says the child should have a chance to talk with a mental health professional who knows about child sexual abuse. In the US, RAINN, a charity that runs a sexual assault hotline, says to report suspected abuse to your state’s child protective services or local police, and that depending on where you live and your relationship to the child you may be legally required to report. The Childhelp hotline (1-800-422-4453) says it is not a reporting line and is not connected to 911, and its site has a map of each state’s reporting contacts; if you would rather talk to someone first, its site says you can reach a counsellor by call or chat, or by texting GO to 800.422.4453. In the UK, the NSPCC Helpline is 0808 800 5000; the NSPCC says its phone line is currently open 10am to 4pm, Monday to Friday, and that you can report to it or to children’s services where the child lives, and it says you can contact it anonymously if that makes you more comfortable. If your worry grows before the NSPCC has replied, it says to contact the police or local children’s services directly, and the police non-emergency number in the UK is 101. Childline (0800 1111) is for children and young people in the UK; it says it is open 24 hours a day and that calls are free from most UK landlines and mobiles.

None of what follows guarantees a child’s safety. The US Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) says adults are responsible for ensuring that children have safe, stable, nurturing relationships and environments, and, in the US, the CDC says about 90% of child sexual abuse is committed by someone the child or the child’s family knows and trusts. The NSPCC runs Talk PANTS (also called the Underwear Rule), a short conversation for parents to have with a child; it says the aim is to help children understand that “their body belongs to them, and they should tell a safe adult they trust if anything makes them feel upset or worried.” In the US, the American Academy of Pediatrics (AAP) calls teaching children about body autonomy “one promising approach” to preventing child sexual abuse, and says children and teens who feel in control of their bodies are less likely to fall prey to sexual abusers and, if they do suffer abuse, more likely to tell a trusted adult. One person warns that guessing who is a danger from how someone looks, their age or whether they seem lonely is unreliable.

First, the real names for body parts. The AAP says to teach children the real names of their body parts, and to stress that it is natural and healthy to talk about all areas of our bodies. Some people say the real names help in three ways: a doctor can understand what the child means, the child can report clearly if something happens, and the words carry less shame. To explain which parts are private, the NSPCC suggests telling a child: “Your underwear covers up your private parts and no one should ask to see or touch them. Sometimes a doctor, nurse or family members might have to. But they should always explain why, and ask you if it’s OK first.” It says swimming is a good time to say that what a swimsuit covers is private, and the AAP adds that children can be taught who may look at or touch their private parts and under what conditions, such as a doctor checking that they are healthy.

Second, let your child say no to a hug or a kiss. The NSPCC says children “should never be made to kiss or be kissed by someone or forced to have hugs, cuddles or sit on someone’s lap against their will,” and that this includes family members and family friends of all ages; the AAP says it is fine for a child to say no to anyone, including adults, if they do not want to be touched or hugged. For a relative who is hurt, the NSPCC says to tell your child you will help them tell the other person, and reassure them it is always their choice; then explain to the relative that your child loves or likes them but does not feel comfortable with hugs and kisses at the moment, and find another way to say hello, such as a high five or a handshake. Some people say relatives may call a refusal rude, and that the child’s no matters more than manners.

Third, the difference between a surprise and a secret. The NSPCC puts it this way: “There are good and bad secrets. Good secrets can be things like surprise parties or presents for other people. Bad secrets make you feel sad, worried or frightened. You should always talk to a safe adult who you trust about a bad secret or anything that doesn’t feel right.” The AAP says the same in its own words: some secrets, like plans for a surprise birthday party, are safe to keep, but other secrets should always be shared with a trusted adult. Some people suggest one extra rule: a safe adult never asks a child to keep a bad secret from other trusted adults. One person warns that telling a child “don’t tell your parents” about a harmless surprise, such as a treat, copies the way abusers groom a child, and suggests saying “special surprise” instead of “secret”. How much a child can follow depends on their age, and people differ on how much to teach the youngest: one suggests a single simple rule, that if a grown-up says “don’t tell your parents”, the child tells them right away, and another says very young children cannot yet tell privacy from secrets, so the finer points can wait. You know your child, and you can choose the version they can hold.

Fourth, tell them who the safe adults are, and that telling will not get them in trouble. The AAP says a child needs to know it is safe to tell you anything, even if it is strange or scary, to always say you believe them and will do everything you can to protect them, and to help them understand they will not be in trouble for telling you something that should not be kept secret; it also says abusers often warn their victims not to tell anyone, and that when children do tell, it is often not a parent, so it helps to name the other safe adults together. The NSPCC says the safe adult does not have to be a family member: it can be a teacher, a friend’s parent or, in the UK, Childline. Some people suggest agreeing a signal or phrase that lets a child leave a situation where they feel unsafe, so that you step in without judging them. Fifth, start small, in ordinary moments: the NSPCC says Talk PANTS never mentions sex or uses scary words, and suggests times that come naturally, such as bath time, car journeys, swimming and walking, or after a TV show with a sensitive storyline; one person warns that telling a young child too much too soon can leave them fearful.

If you are worried about a child but the child has said nothing, the NSPCC says a child may not tell because they worry about the consequences or that nobody will believe them, and the AAP says children frequently do not tell for long periods and that after being abused many children show no signs at all. The AAP lists signs of stress that can point to sexual abuse: a child might withdraw from family and friends, struggle in school, show anger and aggression, have nightmares or extreme fears, avoid certain adults, or have symptoms of sexually transmitted infections; the NSPCC adds that every child is different. The NSPCC lists what you can do: keep talking to the child to build a trusting relationship, keep a diary of your concerns, talk to their teacher or health visitor, speak to someone you trust, and call its Helpline. The NCTSN says in its 2009 fact sheet that if you suspect abuse, you should try to get support by talking to someone else before you talk to your child about it. The page does not give you questions to ask a child, and neither does this answer. The RAINN page for adults who suspect abuse says to find a quiet, private moment, not in front of anyone who may be causing harm, keep a calm tone, ask open-ended questions in simple language, listen without judging, and tell the child they are not in trouble; the NCTSN says it is okay to talk to your child about it, and that if you are concerned about doing so you may want help from your child’s pediatrician or a mental health provider who knows about child sexual abuse, and one person says to avoid leading or specific questions while another says even open questions can backfire and trained professionals should do the interviewing. A helpline can talk it through with you before you raise your worry with the child. If a child does tell you something and later takes it back, the NCTSN says this is common, and that most children who take it back are telling the truth when they first say it.

Who this is not for. If a child has already told you something, or you think a child is being hurt now, this page is not the tool: use the numbers above. It is about teaching young children, and teenagers have needs it does not cover; a teenager can call Childline in the UK, or the Childhelp hotline in the US, themselves. Some people say a rule that a child must tell every secret is hard to apply in a high-conflict separation, where a child can be pulled into the middle or exposed to a parent’s anger or legal threats, and the page cannot say how to handle that; if you are worried about a child’s safety in such a separation, the helplines are the place to start. The page’s rules are about things that make a child feel sad, worried or frightened, not about every private matter. If reading this brings back something that happened to you as a child, the page cannot help with that, and you do not have to carry it alone: in the US, RAINN’s hotline is 800-656-4673 (800.656.HOPE), or text HOPE to 64673; in England and Wales, the Rape Crisis support line is 0808 500 2222, which it says is for anyone aged 16 and over; in Scotland, Rape Crisis Scotland’s helpline is 08088 01 03 02, which it says is open every day, 5pm to midnight; and in Northern Ireland, the Domestic and Sexual Abuse Helpline is 0808 802 1414, which it says is for anyone aged 18 and over. The page does not cover children’s TV, adults’ comments on a child’s body, or online safety, and it is not legal advice: reporting duties depend on where you live and on your job or role. The NCTSN sheet it quotes is dated 2009 and the other pages were read in October 2026, so check the numbers and hours before you rely on them.