Let your child say no to a hug, and teach them which secrets to tell

You do not need a special programme or a long talk to start. A few short habits, begun while a child is small, tell them that their body is theirs, that a secret that upsets them can be told, and that you will listen. This page is for a parent or carer of a young child. If a child has already told you something that worries you, read the safety note above first and use the numbers in it.

Use the real names for body parts, let your child say no to a hug or a kiss, and teach them that a surprise is fine but a secret that makes them sad, worried or scared should be told to a safe adult.

The NSPCC, a UK children’s charity, runs Talk PANTS (also called the Underwear Rule), a short conversation for parents to have with a child. It says the aim is to help children understand that “their body belongs to them, and they should tell a safe adult they trust if anything makes them feel upset or worried.” In the US, the American Academy of Pediatrics (AAP) calls teaching children about body autonomy “one promising approach” to preventing child sexual abuse. The AAP says children and teens who feel in control of their bodies are less likely to fall prey to sexual abusers, and that if they do suffer abuse they are more likely to tell a trusted adult. It says the lessons can start in the toddler years.

None of this guarantees a child’s safety. The US Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) says adults are responsible for ensuring that children have safe, stable, nurturing relationships and environments. The NSPCC tells children that if something has happened that makes them feel uncomfortable, it is never their fault.

Why this is about people the child knows

In the US, the CDC says about 90% of child sexual abuse is committed by someone the child or the child’s family knows and trusts. The NSPCC says children are sometimes sexually abused by adults who are family members and by people known to them, and that young people can also abuse children. The AAP names family members, relatives, friends, teachers, coaches, babysitters and other adults in positions of power or authority. That is why the NSPCC’s rules are about what is and is not OK whoever the person is. One person warns that guessing who is a danger from how someone looks, their age or whether they seem lonely is unreliable.

1. Use the real names for body parts

The AAP says to teach children the real names of their body parts, and to stress that it is natural and healthy to talk about all areas of our bodies. Some people say the real names help in three ways: a doctor can understand what the child means, the child can report clearly if something happens, and the words carry less shame. One person stood firm on the proper word when a relative objected, because a child who knows the word can say clearly what happened.

To explain which parts are private, the NSPCC suggests telling a child: “Your underwear covers up your private parts and no one should ask to see or touch them. Sometimes a doctor, nurse or family members might have to. But they should always explain why, and ask you if it’s OK first.” It says swimming is a good time to say that what a swimsuit covers is private. The AAP adds that children can be taught who may look at or touch their private parts and under what conditions, such as a doctor checking that they are healthy.

2. Let your child say no to a hug or a kiss

The NSPCC says children “should never be made to kiss or be kissed by someone or forced to have hugs, cuddles or sit on someone’s lap against their will,” and that this includes family members and family friends of all ages. The AAP says it is fine for a child to say no to anyone, including adults, if they do not want to be touched or hugged.

The NSPCC also has advice for the awkward part, a relative who is hurt. Tell your child you will help them tell the other person, and reassure them it is always their choice. Then explain to the relative that your child loves or likes them but does not feel comfortable with hugs and kisses at the moment. Find another way to say hello that suits the child, such as a high five or a handshake.

Some people say relatives may call a refusal rude, and that the child’s no matters more than manners. One person says to step in even if it causes an argument, so the child learns that a no is final. One person’s reasoning is that being forced to hug teaches a child that unwanted closeness is expected, and that being a relative or an old acquaintance does not make an adult safe.

3. Teach the difference between a surprise and a secret

The NSPCC puts it this way: “There are good and bad secrets. Good secrets can be things like surprise parties or presents for other people. Bad secrets make you feel sad, worried or frightened. You should always talk to a safe adult who you trust about a bad secret or anything that doesn’t feel right.” The AAP says the same in its own words: some secrets, like plans for a surprise birthday party, are safe to keep, but other secrets should always be shared with a trusted adult.

Some people suggest one extra rule for a child: a safe adult never asks a child to keep a bad secret from other trusted adults.

One person warns that telling a child “don’t tell your parents” about a harmless surprise, such as a treat, copies the way abusers groom a child, and suggests saying “special surprise” instead of “secret”. Some people say a child may spoil a surprise or report something small, and that this is a fair price.

How much a child can follow depends on their age, and people differ on how much to teach the youngest. One person suggests a single simple rule: if a grown-up says “don’t tell your parents”, tell them right away. Another says children in the later years of primary (elementary) school can tell a surprise from a dangerous secret, but younger ones need the simpler rule. Another says very young children cannot yet tell privacy from secrets, so the finer points can wait. You know your child, and you can choose the version they can hold.

One person says that when an adult jokes about keeping a secret, they should say straight away that it was a joke, and that real secrets from parents are never okay. Another warns that a child with special needs may take a joke about a secret literally and feel they must protect the adult.

4. Tell them who the safe adults are, and that telling will not get them in trouble

The AAP says a child needs to know it is safe to tell you anything, even if it is strange or scary. It says to always say you believe them and will do everything you can to protect them, and to help them understand they will not be in trouble for telling you something that should not be kept secret. It says to encourage them to tell another trusted adult if they are too uncomfortable telling you. It also says abusers often warn their victims not to tell anyone, and that when children do tell, it is often not a parent. So it helps to name the other safe adults together.

The NSPCC says the safe adult does not have to be a family member: it can be a teacher, a friend’s parent or, in the UK, Childline. It says talking should not get a child into trouble, even if somebody has told them it will.

Some people suggest agreeing a signal or phrase that lets a child leave a situation where they feel unsafe, so that you step in without judging them. One person’s example is a code phrase such as asking for a food they dislike. This site has a page about a code word for teenagers, linked below.

5. Start small, in ordinary moments

The NSPCC says Talk PANTS never mentions sex or uses scary words. It suggests times that come naturally: bath time, car journeys, swimming and walking, or after a TV show with a sensitive storyline. It says every family is different, and the timing may depend on the child’s age or how grown up they are. One person warns that telling a young child too much too soon can leave them fearful, and that the wording needs care.

If you are worried about a child

The NSPCC says a child may not tell because they worry about the consequences or that nobody will believe them, and some do not know that what is happening is abuse. The AAP says children frequently do not tell for long periods, and that after being abused many children show no signs at all. It lists signs of stress that can point to sexual abuse: a child might withdraw from family and friends, struggle in school, show anger and aggression, have nightmares or extreme fears, avoid certain adults, or have symptoms of sexually transmitted infections. The NSPCC adds that every child is different.

When you are worried but the child has said nothing, the NSPCC lists what you can do: keep talking to the child to build a trusting relationship, keep a diary of your concerns, talk to their teacher or health visitor, speak to someone you trust, and call its Helpline. It says you can contact it anonymously if that makes you more comfortable. In the US, the Childhelp hotline’s site says that if you would rather talk to someone first, you can reach a counsellor by call, text or chat. The National Child Traumatic Stress Network (NCTSN), a US network of child trauma services, says in a 2009 fact sheet that if you suspect abuse, you should try to get support by talking to someone else before you talk to your child about it.

This page does not give you questions to ask a child. The RAINN page for adults who suspect abuse says to find a quiet, private moment, not in front of anyone who may be causing harm, keep a calm tone, ask open-ended questions in simple language, listen without judging, and tell the child they are not in trouble. The NCTSN says it is okay to talk to your child about it, and that if you are concerned about doing so you may want help from your child’s pediatrician or a mental health provider who knows about child sexual abuse. One person says to avoid leading or specific questions, and to let the child bring things up in their own words. Another says even open questions can backfire, and that trained professionals should do the interviewing. A helpline can talk it through with you before you raise your worry with the child.

If a child does tell you something and later takes it back, the NCTSN says this is common, and that most children who take it back are telling the truth when they first say it: they may later have mixed feelings about the person and about what has happened since. If that happens, you can still call the helplines above.

Who this page is not for

If a child has already told you something, or you think a child is being hurt now, this page is not the tool: use the safety note at the top and the numbers at the end. This page is about teaching young children. Teenagers have needs it does not cover, and one person says older teens may have social boundaries of their own while still being at risk from people who rely on secrecy. A teenager can call Childline in the UK, or the Childhelp hotline in the US, themselves.

Some people say a rule that a child must tell every secret is hard to apply in a high-conflict separation, where a child can be pulled into the middle or exposed to a parent’s anger or legal threats. The rules above are about things that make a child feel sad, worried or frightened, not about every private matter. This page cannot tell you how to handle that situation; if you are worried about a child’s safety in it, the helplines below are the place to start.

If reading this brings back something that happened to you as a child, this page cannot help with that, and you do not have to carry it alone. In the US, RAINN’s hotline is 800-656-4673 (800.656.HOPE), or text HOPE to 64673. In England and Wales, the Rape Crisis support line is 0808 500 2222; it says it is for anyone aged 16 and over. In Scotland, Rape Crisis Scotland’s helpline is 08088 01 03 02; it says it is open every day, 5pm to midnight. In Northern Ireland, the Domestic and Sexual Abuse Helpline is 0808 802 1414; it says it is for anyone aged 18 and over. This page does not cover children’s TV, adults’ comments on a child’s body, or online safety.

If you are worried about a child, you do not have to be sure. In the US, call or text the Childhelp hotline on 1-800-422-4453 (text GO to 800.422.4453). To report, RAINN says to contact your state’s child protective services or the police. In the UK, call the NSPCC Helpline on 0808 800 5000 (10am to 4pm, Monday to Friday, it says), or contact children’s services where the child lives or the police on 101; a child or young person can call Childline on 0800 1111. If a child is in danger now, call 911 in the US or 999 in the UK.