Block the number before the first drink

It is late. You have had a drink, or you are about to, and the phone is in your hand with their name one tap away. This page is about that moment, and about what a drink does to it.

Block their number before the first drink, and do not use the drink to get through the pain.

If you drink every day or a lot, this is not the right page for you: see the note above first.

That is the whole page. The rest says why people give this warning, what to do with the urge to say something, and what to do if drinking has started to feel like the only way through the evening.

What people warn about

One person says alcohol amplifies whatever you already feel and leads to behaviour you regret. Another says it dulls your judgement at exactly the time you are least steady, and another that it can stretch out the grieving. The warnings about the text itself are blunter. Drinking, one person warns, makes contacting the ex much more likely, and the shame afterwards seems to confirm the ex’s decision to leave. One says drunken emails and texts to an ex bring embarrassment later, and another that keeping the number in your phone is what makes drunk texting possible, and that it ends in regret.

Some of this matches what a US health agency says about drinking to cope. The National Institute on Alcohol Abuse and Alcoholism writes that alcohol is often used to cope with anxiety and other mental-health symptoms, and that it can seem to relieve anxiety for a short time, while heavy drinking and repeated withdrawal make the symptoms worse over time. Its warning is about heavy drinking and about drinking as the way to cope. It does not claim one glass with a friend does that.

The number is the part you can control

Blocking costs nothing and works before you have had anything to drink. One person says to block the number and remove the other ways to reach them, because every notification raises a false hope and sets the pain off again. Another says to delete the number and take them out of your social media to cut the triggers. Do it earlier in the day, while you are sober: a decision made then does not depend on how the glass is going.

If you cannot bear to delete anything, there is a page here called Put their page out of reach, with steps short of deleting.

The urge to say something does not go away with the number. One person’s rule is to write the message and then destroy it, because the writing is for you and not for them. Another uses small rituals to mark an ending: giving things away, or getting rid of old letters.

Feeling it without the glass

Some people argue that you have to go through the pain, not put something on top of it. One says to feel it and not smother it with drink or a new relationship. Another says that avoiding grief this way brings more and worse pain later. Another says alcohol and other drugs only mask the problem and keep you stuck, and one warns that using them to dull it can exaggerate what you feel.

The person who says to feel it is gentle about the practical side too. Eating, drinking water and exercise help, they say, but they are nothing to feel guilty about if you cannot manage them. Someone in the middle of the first days may not be able to do any of it, and that is not a failure.

Some people drink with friends, and say it helped

Other people see it differently. One person says to let yourself grieve hard, with tears and a drink among friends, until you are ready to move on. Another suggests being around friends, music and a drink, talking about how you feel, remembering the good times, and then putting it all down on purpose when the night is over. One person says drinking helped them even as they advise others against it. And one person had no patience for cheerful advice and said to get drunk with friends and cry.

In those accounts the drink is with friends, and the point is company and talking. The warnings above describe a different use: a drink to dull the pain, with the number still in reach. That is the line this page draws, and where you stand on it is your call. The health sources here are about regular or heavy drinking and say nothing about one drink with a friend.

Who this page is not for

If you drink every day, or a lot, this is the wrong tool and stopping suddenly can be dangerous: read the note at the top of the page, and talk to a doctor before you change anything.

If you do not drink, the first half of the counsel still applies to the late-night text, and Put their page out of reach covers the rest.

If your ex is frightening you, or is the one who keeps contacting you, this is not an ordinary breakup page. One person’s advice to stop blaming yourself carries the condition that there was no abuse. In the US the National Domestic Violence Hotline is 1-800-799-7233, 24 hours a day. In the UK the National Domestic Abuse Helpline (run by Refuge) is 0808 2000 247, free and open around the clock.

If you share children or a workplace with them, you cannot block everything. One person notes that no contact is very hard or impossible with shared children, and what to do then is not covered here.

When it is more than a breakup

Some people say that if the feelings start to get in the way of work or family life, or lead to using alcohol or drugs, that is the point to see a qualified professional, such as a psychologist. One person says that devastation that does not lift can be depression, anxiety or a drinking problem as well as heartbreak. A doctor can help you tell which. One person described fighting thoughts of suicide for more than a year after a breakup.

The NHS says to see a GP or an alcohol support service if you are worried about your drinking. For low mood and worry in the UK you can refer yourself to NHS talking therapies without seeing a GP first, if you are registered with one and 18 or over, or 16 or over in some areas. In the US, a doctor can help with both the drinking and the low mood, and the National Helpline from the Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration, below, connects people to local treatment.

And if you only want a person tonight: in the US you can call or text 988, which takes calls about emotional distress and alcohol or drug worries as well as suicidal crisis. In the UK you can call Samaritans on 116 123, free from any phone at any hour, and you do not have to be suicidal to call. If you are in danger right now, call 911 in the US or 999 in the UK.