Why does the same thought keep coming back, and how do I stop feeding it?

Three pages in this library are about a thought that keeps coming back: a fear of dying, a doubt about whether you locked the door, and a mind that keeps going to one person. Two more are about what to do while it is happening. One more is about a thought you would never choose, such as a thought of harming a baby. This answer does not say why a thought returns, because the pages do not. It says what people and the NHS say to do about it.

If the thought is about ending your life, or you wish you were dead, this is not the right tool, and you should tell someone today. In the US, call or text 988; in the UK and Ireland, call Samaritans free on 116 123, any hour. If you have harmed yourself or you think you are about to, call 911 in the US or 999 in the UK (elsewhere, your local emergency number). That is the box at the top of Stop arguing with the fear of dying. The NHS says that if you feel like ending your life, it is important to tell someone.

You cannot order the thought to stop, and you do not have to win an argument with it: let it be there, do not scold yourself for having it, give it less to feed on, and if it costs you sleep or ordinary life, ask a doctor or a therapist. The sections below are where each part comes from.

Which thought is it?

On Stop arguing with the fear of dying, one person says the fear is not one thing, and the way out depends on which part is strongest for you, the act of dying, whatever comes after, or leaving the people you love behind. Ask whether you forgot or you are afraid draws a different line, for a doubt such as “did I lock the door?”: is it plain forgetting, or a fear that something terrible will happen? It suggests three questions worth noticing, and worth telling a doctor about. Does the doubt come with a fear that something terrible will happen? Does the checking take up a lot of time? Does the relief wear off and send you back? Give the thought less to feed on is about a mind that keeps going to one person, or to the wish for someone at all. Some people on that page say that wanting a partner is a natural drive, and that fighting the wish, or being ashamed of it, makes it hurt more.

On the fear-of-dying page, one person suggests writing the fear down in full to break the loop, which is also a way to see which part is yours.

Do not argue with it, and do not scold yourself

Some people say the fear of death cannot be argued away, that being frightened by it is not a malfunction, and that it is better accepted than fought. When the thoughts start, some people say to remind yourself that you are okay in this moment, if you are, and if you are not, to use the numbers at the top, and to leave the unanswerable questions until, if ever, you have to face them. On the page about a fixation on a person, one person says the thoughts cannot be ordered to stop, that resisting them strengthens them, and that what works is time, with the pain accepted and not argued with.

Let thoughts be weather describes one practice in three moves. Notice the thought and name it, an unwanted thought and nothing more. Let it drop without scolding yourself for having it: one person gives the reason that berating yourself for a wandering mind only adds more thinking. And if it helps, greet it lightly on its way through, “hi there, I see you”. The page says the practice is not a switch: thoughts keep arising forever, and beginners lose their place constantly. The page says pushing a thought away is engagement, and engagement feeds it. One person noted that a thought-fighting approach quietly labels the thought bad, which for some people can add fear on top.

People do not agree on all of this. Some people pointed out that avoiding the thought entirely is a kind of running away from something that cannot be avoided, and another warns that ignoring the fear completely may not be sound if you have an anxiety disorder. So there is no agreement between turning away and turning toward, and both have people behind them.

Give it less to feed on

These are people’s suggestions, each from the page named.

• Fill the hour the thought is loudest. Give the thought less to feed on suggests picking the hour when it is loudest, usually the evening or the end of the working day, and giving it a job that needs your body or your full attention: a walk, a workout, a chore, a puzzle. When the thought arrives, let it pass without arguing, and carry on with the job. Many people on that page say to put the energy somewhere else, such as hobbies, health, work, goals or learning something. One person says the emptiness is loudest when the day has no structure, and that a plain routine is the fastest way to quiet it.
• Take away reminders. Some people say to block or delete the person’s number and accounts, and put away keepsakes. If the person is an ex, the library has a page called Put their page out of reach.
• Write it down. Stop arguing with the fear of dying suggests writing down what exactly the fear says (the moment of ending, not existing, what comes after, or leaving someone you love), then doing something that takes your attention, such as a puzzle. For a panic thought, Write down the panic, then check it later says to write down what you are certain is about to happen, then check it later. Some people say the notes show how rarely the feared outcome arrived, and that seeing the written history is what retrains a fight-or-flight response that has been firing at shadows. Some people say a doctor should look for a physical cause first if panic episodes are new, severe or come with breathlessness; one person’s panic turned out to be asthma.
• Smaller habits, one person each. One person keeps a set time for worrying and writes down good things from the day before bed. One person says to cut back on caffeine and cannabis, which can make anxiety worse. One person says the aim is not to remove the fear but to live despite it: exercise, a steady routine, and what you can do today.

Not everyone finds that enough. One person says hobbies and a good career do not automatically stop the mind going back, and some people warn that “just get busy” can miss a deeper problem when the fixation is compulsive. One person is honest that for them the terror keeps returning and they have no working solution, only moments of forgetting.

If the doubt is “did I lock it?”

Ask whether you forgot or you are afraid says that if it is forgetting, many people suggest the same fix: make today’s lock different from the others while you do it, so that later there is something to find. Say it aloud as you do it, such as “I locked the door”, then do one small odd thing straight after, such as flipping your keys, and make it a different thing each time, or it turns into one more thing done without attention.

Photos are where people split. Many people say a photo or a short video of the locked door gives proof that settles the doubt. Many people warn that for some readers it feeds the checking, because the worry moves from the door to whether the photo is the right one. The page says what decides it is whether the doubt is plain forgetting or a fear, and whether it is clinical OCD, and it does not pick a side. If the doubt arrives as a picture of something terrible and the checking is taking over your day, go to the next section before you try any trick, because some of the tricks can backfire there.

When it is more than a thought

The NHS describes an obsession as an unwanted, unpleasant thought, image or urge that keeps entering your mind and causes anxiety, disgust or unease. It says that if you keep getting these thoughts and they affect your daily life, you should speak to your doctor. For OCD it lists two main treatments: a talking therapy, usually CBT, which helps you face your fears and obsessive thoughts without putting them right through compulsions, and medicine, usually a type of antidepressant. Whether medicine suits you is a question for a doctor, never something to start or stop on your own.

You cannot tell from outside whether yours is that, and some people warn against deciding for yourself that it is OCD or severe depression from what you read online: the person who can tell them apart is a professional who assesses you. If the checking is taking up a large part of your day, or the fear behind it feels unbearable, see a doctor: treatment can help. In England, the NHS says that for many problems, such as anxiety and depression, anyone aged 18 or over (16 in some areas) can refer themselves to an NHS talking therapies service without seeing a doctor first. In the US, a nonprofit network of therapists who see you for a low set fee when you cannot afford regular therapy prices or do not have good coverage, Open Path Psychotherapy Collective, is in the Resource Bank and cited below. In England and Wales, Mind’s Infoline can tell you about where to get help near you, though it is not a crisis service.

If the fear comes with chest pain that does not go away, or pain that spreads to your arm, neck, jaw or back with sweating, sickness, dizziness or breathlessness, call 911 in the US or 999 in the UK. The NHS lists panic as one cause of chest pain, but a doctor has to tell the difference, not you.

If the thought is one you would never choose

If a thought is about ending your own life, or you feel you might actually act on a thought to hurt someone, or you are hearing or seeing things that are not there, treat it as an emergency today rather than a thought to wait out. Let the thought you hate pass without a fight says to call or text 988 in the US at any hour, or 911 if you are in danger right now. In the UK, call Samaritans on 116 123 (free, any time), or 999 if you are in danger right now. Elsewhere, call your local emergency number. If you have had a baby and these thoughts come with hallucinations, strange beliefs, confusion or very high or very low mood, the NHS says this can be postpartum psychosis, which usually starts within the first two weeks after birth and needs same-day help. In the UK, contact a GP the same day, call 111 if you cannot reach one, and go to A&E or call 999 if you think you or someone else is in danger of harm right now. In the US, call 911 or go to an emergency room, or call or text the National Maternal Mental Health Hotline on 1-833-852-6262, free, 24 hours. Anything about medicine is a question for a doctor, never something to start or stop on your own.

Otherwise, that page is about thoughts you do not want: dropping the baby on a high walkway, swerving on a bridge, a wish that it were over. An NHS perinatal service says worrying thoughts of harming their baby are common among new mothers, that having a thought is not the same as doing something, and that having thoughts does not raise the chance of it happening. The International OCD Foundation says unwanted intrusive thoughts come to people from time to time, and that what marks OCD is that they come often and cause extreme anxiety. Some people point out that an intrusive thought is, by its nature, one that upsets you and that you would not choose to act on, so what it says tells you little about what you want. One person says new parents often have thoughts of dropping, throwing or hurting their child and calls it a common part of parenthood despite how distressing it is, and another says drivers often have thoughts of swerving into traffic or going off a bridge.

The NHS perinatal page says to try not to give the thoughts much attention, because they are meaningless, and not to deliberately try to suppress them, because that makes them occur more often. Some people say that pushing a thought away or arguing with it makes it stronger, and that the better move is to notice it, let it exist and not engage with it. What people say they do in the moment is individual: one person labels it, “that is an intrusive thought”, one gives a particular thought a silly name, and some ground themselves in the senses by naming colours or textures or counting what they can see, hear and touch. The page says to pick one at most, and to drop it if it starts to feel like something you have to do to feel safe. If it comes while you drive, one person says that trying to acknowledge the thought while doing something that needs your full attention led to fixating on it; the page has no technique for driving, and pulling over somewhere safe if a thought shakes you costs nothing. Some people warn that for OCD, replacing the thought with something pleasant can be a compulsion and not a cure. If you are the partner or friend who has been told about one of these thoughts, one person suggests not answering with “you would never hurt anyone”, because reassurance can keep the doubt going, and saying instead that a thought is not an action. If the person says they might act, or sounds as if they want to die, treat that as the emergency it may be and use the numbers above.

If you keep getting these thoughts and they affect your daily life, or they arrive many times a day, cause intense distress or get in the way of looking after your baby, the NHS in England says to speak to your GP or health visitor, and that you can refer yourself directly to an NHS talking therapies service without seeing a GP first. It names cognitive behavioural therapy as the usual talking treatment. The International OCD Foundation says exposure and response prevention is the proven first choice for OCD in adults, children and teenagers, and that it should be guided by a knowledgeable therapist. A doctor can tell whether it is depression, OCD or something else, and the page does not diagnose. It is not about thoughts with sexual content, or the money worry that sits behind some of them.

Who this is not for

• If you are not afraid of dying but feel empty, have lost interest in the things you used to enjoy, or wish you were dead, that is a different problem, and a technique is not what it needs. Tell someone now: in the US call or text 988, in the UK and Ireland call Samaritans on 116 123, and in an emergency call 911 in the US or 999 in the UK.
• If the thought is about someone who has said no and you still see them, or you notice yourself contacting, following or watching someone who does not want it, treat that as the signal to talk to a professional. After a no, let them set the distance says where the lines are.
• If you face a diagnosis that makes death close, the fear has a present cause, and the people caring for you are the ones to ask for help with it.
• If you want a diagnosis, these pages cannot give one, and they do not tell you what to do in the middle of a full panic attack. If the thoughts keep you awake tonight and you do not know what to do, a free call is open to you: 988 in the US, Samaritans on 116 123 in the UK and Ireland, or NHS 111 in England.