If you have been abusive and want to stop, call a service made for that

Maybe someone told you how your behaviour looks from outside. Maybe you saw fear on the face of someone you love, or something broke, or a message arrived that you cannot unread. Now you want to stop, and you want it fixed today. This page is for a person who has been abusive to a partner or ex: shouting and name-calling, threats, controlling money or movements, checking a phone, breaking things, hitting. It is written so that the person you hurt is safer at the end of it, whatever happens to you.

If you have been abusive and want to stop, call a service made for people in your position, and let the other person’s safety and choices come before your wish to be forgiven.

Wanting to change is where the work starts. Some people who answered said an apology on its own does not repair trust, and that what counts is a change that lasts. Respect Phoneline’s page on choosing to change puts it this way: “Change starts with owning what has happened and choosing to be different, and stopping the harms.”

Who this page is not for

If the abuse is being done to you, this page is not for you; the numbers for you are in the section called “If you are the person who was hurt”. If your trouble is a short temper with nobody frightened of it, there is a page here called When anger beats the pause, get help for it. If you are hoping a call or a programme will bring a partner back, this page cannot promise that, and the first thing it asks is that you put their safety ahead of that hope. And it cannot decide whether what you did was abuse: the two services below take calls from people who are not sure.

The call

In the US, the National Domestic Violence Hotline’s page “What to Expect When You Contact Us” says: “We frequently get contacted by people who identify as abusive or who are concerned about behaviors that may be unhealthy.” It says advocates will talk through red flags and “brainstorm healthy alternatives for the behavior”, and “can help you learn more about Battering Intervention and Prevention Programs”, and that “Some people who contact us about BIPPS are looking for a referral because of a court order; others seek out this information on their own.” The number is 1-800-799-7233, or text START to 88788. Its page “Am I Hurting My Partner?” speaks to you directly and says: “Call us at 1-800-799-SAFE (7233) to confidentially talk to one of our advocates.” The Hotline’s legal help page says “WomensLaw.org has state-by-state information about laws including protective and restraining orders”.

In the UK, the Respect Phoneline’s page says “Freephone 0808 8024040 (Mon–Fri 10am–5pm)”, with webchat Monday to Friday, 9am to 10am. Its “What to expect” page says advisers “will ask questions to understand your situation better and give you relevant advice”, that each contact is planned for “around 30 minutes”, and that “A queueing system operates with no maximum waiting time.” Its “About us” page says: “We can support and advise people from anywhere in the UK.” Programmes differ by place, so ask on the call what is available where you live.

Before you give details, read what each service says happens to them. Respect’s policies page lists when information is passed on, including when advisers are “concerned that there is a risk to the welfare or safety of a child or vulnerable adult”.

What kind of help

Respect’s page says: “The self-help guides offer useful strategies, but they do not replace a behaviour change programme.” Many people who answered said the same: self-help alone is not enough, and professional help is the step they pointed to. Some of them said a general anger course is aimed at a feeling, while abuse is aimed at one person, so they pointed to programmes made for that.

The Hotline’s page on whether abusers can change is more specific. It names “a certified batterer intervention program” as one part of changing, and says: “we don’t recommend couples counseling, anger management, substance abuse programs or mental health treatments” as the way to change abusive behaviour. In the same sentence it adds that “oftentimes these can helpfully supplement a batterer intervention program”, so ask the service what can run beside a programme near you.

The same page lists, among signs of progress, “Accepting that overcoming abusiveness is a decades-long process”, and says: “While we hope abusive partners will change, it’s not always realistic to expect that they can and will.” A call or a programme is a start. It does not tell the person you hurt that they are safe.

Couples counselling is not the first step

The Hotline’s page on couples therapy says: “We at The Hotline do not encourage anyone in an abusive relationship to seek counseling with their partner.” One reason it gives: “An abuser may use what is said in therapy later against their partner.” One person said couples counselling should wait until you have done your own work. If your partner raises counselling, that is their choice to make with their own advice; it is not a first step for you to ask for.

Contacting the person you hurt

Some people who answered said the most urgent thing is that the person you hurt is safe now, whatever your intentions, and some said that means living apart while you do the work. Some also said not to start a new relationship until that work is done. Whether the relationship goes on is their decision; do not use leaving or staying as pressure, and ask the service you call how to give them space safely.

Respect’s page says: “Respect all requests for no contact and follow any conditions set by the police, courts or statutory services.” In the UK, GOV.UK’s page on injunctions for victims of domestic abuse says: “The person named in the injunction can be arrested if they break it.” That page does not say which nation’s courts it describes, so in Scotland and Northern Ireland ask a solicitor about the orders there. In the US, orders come from courts and the rules differ by state; if an order exists or may exist, follow its terms and ask a lawyer what it allows before any contact; LawHelp.org points to legal help in each state. In the UK, Citizens Advice (England 0800 144 8848, Wales 0800 702 2020, Scotland 0800 028 1456) and, in Northern Ireland, Advice NI (0800 915 4604) give advice on a range of problems and can be asked where to get legal advice on an order.

Some people who answered said that after years of abuse a simple apology falls flat, and that if someone chooses to leave, the person who abused should let them go without coercion or harm. One person said an apology to someone who has blocked you can feel like harassment. If you feel you owe an apology, bring that to the service you call, before you write a word. Some people also said that reading a partner’s phone, messages or search history is itself controlling; Respect’s list includes “monitoring of social media profiles, emails”.

If children live with you

Respect’s page says: “Children are often the silent victims of domestic abuse.” One person said abuse can reach people other than a partner. If a child has been hurt, or you fear one might be, Childhelp (1-800-422-4453) in the US and the NSPCC Helpline (0808 800 5000; it says it is open 10am to 4pm, Monday to Friday, and that its team will “listen, advise and take any action needed”) in the UK take calls from adults worried about a child. This page does not suggest asking a child what happened; those lines can say what to do. In danger now, call 911 or 999.

If you are the person who was hurt

Some people who answered said a person who was hurt did not cause the abuse, and that changing is the other person’s job, not theirs. Some people said leaving can be the most dangerous time, so the lines below can help you plan your safety before you decide anything. If you are in danger now, call 911 in the US or 999 in the UK. In the US, call the National Domestic Violence Hotline on 1-800-799-7233 or text START to 88788. In England, the National Domestic Abuse Helpline (Refuge) is 0808 2000 247; in Wales, Live Fear Free is 0808 80 10 800; in Scotland, Scotland’s Domestic Abuse and Forced Marriage Helpline is 0800 027 1234; in Northern Ireland, the Domestic and Sexual Abuse Helpline is 0808 802 1414 (18 and over). If someone may see what you read, the page on browsing privately is at findangel.org/support/browse-privately, and the Quick Exit button leaves this site at once.

What this page does not cover

It does not cover sexual violence, what a court case involves, how to rebuild trust, or what a programme costs. Those are questions for the services above and for a lawyer, and the people who answered did not settle them.

The cards below list support lines for both countries.