Keep your own record when they say it never happened

You remember the conversation. Then the other person tells you it never happened, or that it went differently, or that you are remembering it wrong. After enough rounds you start checking your own memory before you trust it.

If someone keeps telling you that things you saw or heard did not happen, write down what happened, privately and with the date, to check your own memory against, and stop trying to win the argument with them.

This page is for the person on the receiving end. If you are afraid of the person, or they control your money, your movements or who you see, this page is a small part of what you need, and the safety note at the top lists lines that answer all day and night. If you think you may be the one doing this to someone, the section near the end is for you.

What it is, and what it is not

The National Domestic Violence Hotline in the US describes it as a form of emotional abuse. It says a partner questions your reality and says things did not happen, even when you know they did, so that you begin to question your own feelings, instincts and sanity. It says this tends to happen gradually, and that the early actions may seem harmless.

Some people say the difference from lying is what is targeted. A lie is a false statement about something, they say, while this goes after your hold on what happened, by denying that events happened or by changing their context. One person puts it as a difference in whose word you stop trusting: a liar costs you your trust in them, while this costs you your trust in your own memory.

Not every denial is that. Some people warn that forgetting or misremembering is not gaslighting, and that you should not assume bad intent from one incident: start with the context and a conversation. One person says the mark of it is a pattern in which the other person gains something by changing the details. People also define it differently. One person says it needs a fact that both people know is true, which one of them then insists is not, so an accusation that was never proved and is simply denied is only a denial; another takes a wider view. One person says that repeatedly putting down your intelligence or judgement is nasty, even abusive, but is not gaslighting, because it rests on opinion and not on a denied fact. The Hotline lists put-downs and attempts to control your time and actions among the signs of emotional abuse, so the numbers in the safety note are for that too.

Some people say the word is now stretched to cover any lie or disagreement, and one person says the label can itself be used as a weapon, to put the speaker’s position beyond question. Some people link it to a personality disorder; one person warns that diagnosing someone without a trained clinician is likely to be wrong, since such traits can show up in people in particular situations. This page does not diagnose anyone. You do not need a name for what the person is in order to decide what you will do.

Some people warn that denial and accusation can also come from memory loss such as dementia, and that mistaking that for abuse leads to pointless conflict. One person says people whose own memory is affected may be more vulnerable, because they rely on other people’s accounts of events. The NHS says that if you are worried about memory problems, it is important to talk to a GP (a doctor) sooner rather than later.

Keep your own record

Some people say that writing events down, or saving evidence, keeps you from doubting your memory and confirms you are not crazy. One person suggests texts, a journal or photos, and says the point is to reassure yourself, not to confront the other person. A line is enough each time: the date, what happened, what was said, and what they said afterwards.

Where you keep it matters. One person lists a separate place, such as a journal, a phone or cloud storage, that the other person cannot reach or delete. The Hotline says phone and computer use can be monitored without your knowing, says safe computers can be found at a library, workplace or shelter, and says its advocates can help you take extra precautions with technology. So if this person can get into your phone, accounts or home, a record they can find may make things worse. Keep it where they cannot, or ask an advocate before you start.

Some people suggest recording a conversation, or keeping other proof, to catch a denial in the act, and say it can stop the behaviour by making the person look foolish. One person warns that showing your notes in the middle of an argument can backfire, because someone who is good at this can treat your attempt to prove your point as evidence that you are unstable or overreacting. Rules on recording a conversation differ from place to place, and in some places recording without the other person’s agreement is illegal. This page does not cover them, so check yours before you record anything.

Stop trying to win

Some people say a response that often helps is to stop arguing, keep contact to what is necessary, or put distance between you, because arguing feeds it. Some people say confronting the person is often futile, because they turn it around to blame you, and that disengaging completely, if you can, works better than trying to prove your reality. One person says not to engage if the person is good at turning your words against you. One person says it is acceptable to pause and think before you answer, since other people cannot set the speed at which you process.

On staying flat and unemotional, people disagree. One person suggests a boring, unemotional manner, so that the person has nothing to feed on. Another says that will not stop them, and that only getting away does. The two may fit different situations: whether you can leave now, or have to stay for a while. Some people note that leaving needs somewhere to go, and one person notes that leaving a rented home early costs money. If you are thinking about leaving, the advocates at the numbers in the safety note help people plan it.

Rebuild trust in your own judgement

Some people say an important goal is rebuilding trust in your own judgement and feelings, and that an outside view from friends, or honest self-reflection, counters the doubt. One person says trustworthy people around you act as a reality check when your own memory feels unreliable. One person says that recognising the term helps people see they are not crazy. One person warns that a person who treats friends well and a partner badly is hard to expose: friends who only see the pleasant side may defend them and dismiss you. That is a reason to tell someone trained as well as friends.

Some people say therapy helps you process what happened. The Hotline recommends reaching out to a trusted friend or family member, or to its advocates, whose service is free and confidential.

One person says the same move is used at work, to discredit people who raise problems by calling them whiners or unstable. This page does not cover work.

If you are the one doing this

If you have recognised yourself, stopping is yours to do. Some people say that people can do this without knowing it, from habits they learned growing up, and that seeing the pattern is what makes it possible to own it and repair what you can. One person suggests that when you notice the urge, you pause and ask what you are afraid of; another, that when you see yourself doing it, you stop straight away and apologise without arguing the facts. One person suggests continuing therapy and owning the behaviour, and one person says to expect slips, since old habits return, and that persistence matters more than perfection.

One person suggests asking your partner to point it out to you when it happens. Some people warn that this puts the work on the person who was hurt, and that it could feel coercive or manipulative unless it is handled with great care. This page does not tell you to do it. One person says the partner may stay wary for a long time even after the behaviour stops. One person in that position says the damage they did was irreversible and the relationship cannot be saved, so advice about repair no longer applied to them.

Who this page is not for

If you are afraid of this person, the notes on this page are not enough: use the numbers in the safety note. If it was one forgotten incident with someone who is usually straight with you, start with a calm conversation about what each of you remembers. If you were accused and you are telling the truth, one person says a truthful denial is not gaslighting.

This page does not cover work, relatives who are not partners, or the case where you cannot cut contact because you share children.

If this has left you thinking about ending your life, call or text 988 in the US, or call Samaritans on 116 123 in the UK. For abuse, call the National Domestic Violence Hotline on 1-800-799-7233 or text START to 88788 in the US, or the National Domestic Abuse Helpline on 0808 2000 247 in the UK. If you are in danger right now, call 911 or 999.