Write down what your last three had in common

The people were different. The ending was the same: the same slow hollowing, the same sense that you were doing all the reaching. Somewhere in the third one the question changes from “what is wrong with them” to “what is wrong with me”.

If you keep ending up with people who treat you badly, write down what your last few had in common and how each one felt in the first month, then take that list to a therapist or counsellor.

Nothing on that list is a verdict. It is a way to see a pattern that is hard to see from inside it, and to give another person something concrete to work with.

What people say may be going on

Some people say attraction to people who treat you badly often grows from a family where that treatment was normal, so it feels familiar, even when it hurts. Some people go further and say that what feels exciting, such as chaos, a person who is never quite available or a person who is unkind, can be a response to old hurt and not real attraction, and that kind, steady people can feel flat until you get used to them. One person puts it as: healthy relationships can seem like the other person is not interested, because they lack the intensity that came with the crossed lines.

Others point elsewhere. Some people say the pattern can come from wanting to be chosen by someone who is hard to win, so the chase becomes the reward. One person says it may come from impatience, or from a hole you were trying to fill, such as feeling that you mattered. One person says it may be less of a pattern than it feels, because a small number of dates is a small sample, and another that some people are dishonest at the start.

They also disagree about the cure. Some say the fix is to understand your attachment style and inner needs. Others say it is practical: choose more actively, slow down and stop entertaining people who are not available. What decides it, they said, is whether you want a way to understand the pattern or concrete changes to your behaviour. Both sides agree the pattern has to change.

What goes on the list

For each person on the list, a line or two on each of these.

How it began. How fast it moved, what drew you, and whether it felt like a rush. One person suggests looking at what the people had in common, such as charm, a story of being broken, or being out of reach, and then asking what need in you it answered, such as feeling that you mattered.

What you noticed early and set aside. One person gives examples: how they talked about their exes, hostility toward past partners, unwillingness to say what you were to each other. One person suggests that having few long-term friends can be a warning sign.

How you felt. One person says a partner who suits you feels at ease, without drama, and that who someone has cut off from their life can show what they have removed.

And one more, which one person raises: whether you turned away the people who respected your limits and stayed with those who did not. That person says people raised in difficult homes often expect their limits to be crossed, so someone who backs off feels wrong.

Then take it to someone

Many people say therapy is the way to work on a deeper pattern, and some people say it helped them. One person says that if your therapist knows about the pattern but is not helping you find where it comes from, you can switch, and another says to switch if there is no progress on the core issue. There is a page here called Tell your therapist what isn’t working. In the US, a low-cost network of therapists is listed below if cost is the barrier. In the UK, the NHS says that for many problems such as anxiety and depression you can refer yourself to NHS talking therapies without seeing a GP, that it is free, and that the service includes interpersonal therapy for problems in personal relationships, though the service has eligibility rules.

A trusted friend is another reader. One person says friends can be an outside check, and another notes that sometimes even when others point out what is happening, the person inside cannot see it yet, so be patient with that, with them and with yourself.

A few things that did not make it onto the list

One person suggests slowing the pace and watching whether the other person gives back before you give more. Another cautions that this assumes speed is the problem, and another that holding back on sex or hiding things to keep a mystery can backfire and keep you from real closeness. One person says to ask yourself after each date whether you can see a future with them, and leave sooner if not. This page leaves out testing people harshly, revenge, and ideas about what men or women are like, which others also offered and which do not help.

Who this page is not for

If someone controls you, demeans you or frightens you, that is not a pattern to journal; it is a safety question, and the lines at the top of the page are for it. They will not tell you what to do. If you are not in danger but the low feelings are heavy, in the US you can call or text 988 at any hour, and in the UK Samaritans answers on 116 123. If attraction never grows for you without an immediate spark, the page does not ask you to override that, and one person says it has never arrived late for them. The list still works: it asks about the spark and does not ask you to ignore it.

If it is bad right now, the numbers are the National Domestic Violence Hotline, 1-800-799-7233 or text START to 88788, in the US, and the National Domestic Abuse Helpline, 0808 2000 247, in the UK; in an emergency, 911 in the US or 999 in the UK.