Let the thought you hate pass without a fight

You are holding your baby on a high walkway, or driving across a bridge, and a thought arrives that you would never choose: drop the baby, swerve, wish it were over. It is gone in a second. Then comes the second shock, which can last far longer: what kind of person thinks that?

A thought that horrifies you is not a wish, so do not fight it, argue with it or hunt for proof that you are good: let it pass, and get help if it keeps coming back many times a day, takes over your days or turns into wanting to die.

This page is about thoughts you do not want. If a thought is about ending your life, or you feel you might actually act, or you are hearing or seeing things that are not there, that is a different situation, and the safety note at the top of the page says who to call today.

What these thoughts are, and are not

The NHS describes an obsession as an unwanted and unpleasant thought, image or urge that repeatedly enters your mind and causes anxiety, disgust or unease. The International OCD Foundation says unwanted intrusive thoughts come to people from time to time, and that what marks OCD is that they come often and cause extreme anxiety. An NHS perinatal service says worrying thoughts of harming their baby are common among new mothers, that having a thought is not the same as doing something, and that having thoughts does not raise the chance of it happening.

Some people point out that an intrusive thought is, by its nature, one that upsets you and that you would not choose to act on, so its content tells you little about your wishes. Some people explain these thoughts as the mind running through dangers to keep you safe, a risk check and not a wish; one person adds that the mind can only show you the thing to avoid, never simply a command not to do it. Whether that is the real cause is not something this page can say. The point that matters in practice is the one the NHS makes: a thought is not an act.

People describe them turning up in particular places. One person says new parents often have thoughts of dropping, throwing or hurting their child, and calls it a common part of parenthood despite how distressing it is. Another says drivers often have thoughts of swerving into traffic or going off a bridge. One person describes the mind simulating disaster where the stakes are high, such as holding a baby on a walkway.

Some people describe a harder one: under money pressure, a thought that a parent’s or relative’s death would solve the problem. One person describes it as morbid but common among people who are struggling, and says others in the discussion had it too. Some people say that someone who does not act on such a thought, and does not exploit the death if it comes, is still a good person, and that guilt about the thought shows a conscience. Not everyone agreed: some people called the thought itself disturbing. That is a values disagreement this page does not settle, and the clinical lines above hold either way. If the thought has turned into looking forward to the death, one person says counselling is worth seeking, perhaps free or at a reduced fee.

Do not fight it

Some people say that pushing a thought away, hitting it back or arguing with it makes it stronger, and that the better move is to notice it, let it exist and not engage with it emotionally or logically. One person points out that the explanation for why effort backfires, that it strengthens the brain’s connections, is speculation that nobody in the discussion backed with an expert source. The NHS perinatal page says the same about the practical result: try not to give the thoughts much attention, because they are meaningless, and do not deliberately try to suppress them, because that makes them occur more often.

Some people describe a way of standing apart from the thought. They say you are not your thoughts, and that looking at one briefly without taking it as yours makes it safe to examine and then drop, while hiding from it keeps it coming back.

What people say they do in the moment

These are individual methods, and each is one person’s unless the line says some people. Pick one at most, and drop it if it starts to feel like something you have to do to feel safe.

• One person suggests labelling it: that is an intrusive thought. Another suggests calling it a brain error, a glitch, and dismissing it without going into what it said.
• One person gives a particular thought a silly name, so that it reads as background noise and not as a warning. Another suggests telling the thought, I am not scared of you, and says it changes what you feel in your body.
• Some people suggest grounding yourself in the senses: naming colours or textures, noticing patterns around you, counting what you can see, hear and touch, or slow square breathing. One person says to practise this when you are calm so that it is there when you are not, and one person says it works less well if you only ever use it in a crisis.
• One person suggests boundaries, such as no worrying in the bedroom, or a set time later in the day to deal with it. One person says morning walks, good sleep, diet and less phone before bed affect how often and how strongly the thoughts come.
• One person suggests writing the thought down: getting it outside your head lets you see the whole picture.

If it comes while you drive, one person says that trying to acknowledge the thought while doing something that needs your full attention led to fixating on it. This page has no technique for driving. Pulling over somewhere safe if a thought shakes you costs nothing.

If the thought keeps you awake, one person says some people lose sleep when they let the thoughts sit, and that guided meditation or vivid mental pictures work for those people instead. Another says mental tasks such as singing lyrics through can redirect the mind, and one person suggests listening to audio instead. One person points out that picturing advice cannot be used if you cannot picture things at all, and one that holding a single calm image is hard with ADHD.

Some people warn that for OCD, thinking of something pleasant can be a compulsion and not a cure, and the NHS says cognitive behavioural therapy helps you face obsessive thoughts without putting them right through compulsions. So for a thought that fades on its own, redirecting is one option some people use. For a thought that returns again and again and that you feel you must cancel, check, replace or ask someone about, it may be that cycle, and the section on getting help is the place to go.

If it is a memory you cannot stop replaying

Some people say a replaying memory keeps coming back because the mind treats it as a story without an ending, and that giving it an ending, even an arbitrary one such as I will deal with this on Friday, lets the mind put it down. Some people say that thinking of yourself as a different person now helps you detach from an old memory. One person says forgiving the person you were then can reduce its charge. One person warns that picking through a thought can make anxiety worse when it comes from trauma and not from a lesson to learn. Some people say that if the thoughts are tied to trauma, a counsellor is the person to talk to, and one person says a therapy called EMDR should be done with a trained therapist, not alone.

When it is more than a passing thought

The NHS (England) says that if you keep getting these thoughts and they affect your daily life, you should speak to your GP or health visitor, and that you can refer yourself directly to an NHS talking therapies service without seeing a GP first. It names cognitive behavioural therapy as the usual talking treatment. The International OCD Foundation says a treatment called exposure and response prevention is the proven first choice for OCD in adults, children and teenagers, and that it should be guided by a knowledgeable therapist. It has a therapist finder on its website. Some people say professional therapy is the right route for persistent or severe thoughts. Some people say relentless, obsessive thoughts can be OCD that needs professional treatment, therapy and sometimes medicine; whether medicine suits you is for a doctor to decide with you.

Some people warn that a GP may not know much about mental illness, and one person says a GP dismissed their symptoms and advised going back to work. If a GP does not take it seriously, you can still refer yourself to an NHS talking therapies service, as above. One person suggests going to a therapist directly.

Who this page is not for

If you are thinking about ending your life, this page is not the tool. One person says that thoughts of picking up a knife or jumping from a window point to suicidal depression and need professional help straight away, and suggests saying aloud that you will not do it, moving away from whatever it involves until the thought passes, and telling a therapist or psychiatrist. Other people describe flashes of this kind as common. You do not have to settle which it is on your own: calling 988 in the US or Samaritans on 116 123 in the UK costs nothing.

If you feel you might actually act on a thought to hurt someone else, or you hear or see things that are not there, that is also an emergency, not a passing thought.

If the same thoughts arrive many times a day, cause intense distress or get in the way of looking after your baby, the NHS perinatal page says to contact a professional. A doctor can tell whether it is depression, OCD or something else. If thoughts of any kind are taking over your day, go straight to the doctor route in the section above; the methods in the middle of this page are for a thought that comes and goes.

If you are the partner or friend who has been told about one of these thoughts, one person suggests not answering with you would never hurt anyone, and saying instead that a thought is not an action. If the person says they might act, or sounds as if they want to die, treat that as the emergency it may be and use the numbers at the top.

This page is not about thoughts with sexual content, and it does not cover the money trouble that can sit behind a thought about a relative’s death. A doctor or therapist is the place for the first, and the money pages on this site are the place for the second.

If you are thinking about ending your life, call or text 988 in the US, or call Samaritans on 116 123 in the UK. If you are in danger right now, call 911 or 999.